


The Jedi Council: Behind the Scenes

by CommunionNimrod, elegyunderstars



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Adi/megaphone, Allergies, Alternate Universe - Crack, Blue's Clues fans, Cat Sitting, DDR, Dance Dance Revolution - Freeform, Drug Dealing, Drugs, Jedi slumber party, Ki-Adi the drug lord, Lady problems, Merry-Go-Round, OC (Original Cat) - Freeform, Plo/Shaak (if you squint), Qui-Gon the Complainer, Roller Coaster, Shaak can't drive, Six Flags Over Coruscant, Truth or Dare, Water balloons, a very special kitty, beautiful Obi-Wan, broom closet, conservative fashion, hand-holding, inspired by kitty litter, morally ambiguous Shaak Ti, stalled roller coaster, streaking, sunny vacation to Hoth, these are not smart people, traumatized life guard, yay mail
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2020-05-13 21:17:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 80,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19259350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommunionNimrod/pseuds/CommunionNimrod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegyunderstars/pseuds/elegyunderstars
Summary: What really happens during an average day of the Jedi Council. Parody. Meaning much OOCness. (Ergo crack, treated like crack.) Read and review!





	1. Part One: It's Tough Being A Woman

**Author's Note:**

> This most likely is NOT what really goes on at the Jedi Temple. But it's just a STORY. Yes we know everyone is horribly out of character, but that's what makes it fun! Constructive reviews ONLY! Posting a rude and/or nasty review only shows what a moron you truly are. Rude reviews will be ignored, laughed at, and we shall hurl various molding vegetables at them.  
> Now that all that's said, let's begin. -

"Okay Master Kaleekay, because you are currently training two padawans we will raise your salary to eighty credits a week." Mace concluded the ongoing issue Jedi Master Ballimoth Kaleekay had been pestering the heck out of them about for the past three months.

"Thank you Master Windu. I knew you would get annoyed eventually." Master Kaleekay bowed and headed out of the council chamber.

"That was a waste of time." Yarael Poof sighed.

"Yes it was." Plo Koon agreed.

"I think we've earned ourselves a coffee break." Mace stood up and stretched.

"No we have not. Took a coffee break fifteen minutes ago we did." Yoda disagreed.

"Aww." All the other council members whined.

"Sit. Discuss Master Jinn's issue we will now." Yoda ordered.

The other council members sighed and sat down. Depa Billaba looked a little worried.

"Something wrong, Depa?" Adi Gallia asked.

"No. It's nothing." Depa looked down. Oh but it was something. Something every woman dreads each month. You all know what it is.

"Okay. We'll call in Master Jinn." Mace said.

"I wonder what his problem is this time." Ki-Adi-Mundi rolled his eyes.

Qui-Gon Jinn entered the council chambers. Eighteen year old Obi-Wan Kenobi followed him. They both bowed to the Jedi Masters.

"What is your problem today, Master Jinn?" Shaak Ti wanted to know.

"The air conditioner in my quarters is not working properly." Qui-Gon explained, "It's hot all day and freezing all night."

The council members could not have done anything to express the amount of disgust and annoyance they felt.

"Have it set to run in the day time and stop at night do you?" Yoda asked.

"Of course I do. How stupid do you think I am!" Qui-Gon demanded.

It took all of Mace's strength not to say anything. Depa shifted in her seat. Adi saw and looked suspicious of her.

"I would like to have the air conditioner repaired as soon as possible." Qui-Gon said.

"Oh sure Master Jinn, it's our top priority." Plo snorted.

"Thank you. That will be all." Qui-Gon turned to exit the chamber but Obi-Wan didn't follow, "Obi-Wan are you coming?"

"No. I have an appointment to speak with the council." Obi-Wan replied.

"Whatever about?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Personal problems." Obi-Wan answered, "Now leave."

"Oh. Alright if you don't want me here." Qui-Gon said.

"Well I don't. So leave." Obi-Wan ordered.

Qui-Gon left.

"Personal problems." Depa thought, "I'm having one right now. But hopefully it's not the same as Obi-Wan's."

"Obi-Wan, what do you wish to speak about?" Mace asked.

Depa couldn't wait anymore, "Master Windu can I…"

"NO!" Mace said, and stared at her wide-eyed, "No."

"You didn't even let her finish asking." Adi argued.

"Sh." Mace held a finger to his lips, "It's quiet time."

Adi sighed. She was catching on to Depa's problem.

"Well, I like Master Jinn and all." Obi-Wan started, "But he's really a pest. He's really picky. I just can't do anything right."

"And what do want us to do about it?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"I was wondering if I could trade in my old Master for a new one." Obi-Wan requested.

"What?" Yoda asked, "After training with Master Qui-Gon for five years?"

"Five years? That's all it's been? Feels like decades. Ages. Lifetimes." Obi-Wan said.

"Who would you rather have as a Master?" Shaak asked.

"Anyone. Preferably Master Hazza. He let his old padawan stay up late and eat junk food. And visit bars." Obi-Wan told them.

"Question Master Hazza about this later we will." Yoda whispered to Mace.

"Master Windu, could I please…" Depa tried again.

"No! No! And no again. If I hafta sit through this, so do you!" Mace replied.

"Master Qui-Gon is such a stick in the mud. His definition of fun is taking a walk around the temple lobby." Obi-Wan said, "For six hours a day."

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan, you cannot trade masters. All sales are final." Mace said, "Now leave so I can have some coffee."

"Thank goodness." Depa thought and stood up.

"Now wait a minute, Master Windu, Obi-Wan has a point." Yarael spoke up.

"Darn you Poof." Depa thought and sat back down.

"Master Jinn is a perfectionist. Perhaps he is pushing Obi-Wan too hard." Yarael added.

"Shut up." Depa yelled in her head, "Shut up all of you and let me go to the freaking bathroom!"

"Yeah." Obi-Wan got a pathetic look on his face.

"Alright. We'll see if any masters are currently shopping around for eighteen year old padawans." Mace said, "Now get out of here."

"How are you going to do that?" Obi-Wan wanted to know.

"Who cares." Depa thought, "Just shut up and get out of here you handsome little twerp."

"We'll put an ad in the newspaper." Mace replied, "Now leave."

"Yes." Depa's mind agreed, "Leave."

"But I want a new master today. I cannot take another minute of Master Jinn." Obi-Wan begged.

"Well you're gonna have to." Mace said, "Now go find your master and leave."

"Find my Master?" Obi-Wan asked, "I don't have to find my Master. I know where he is. He's on the other side of that door listening intently. Because he wants to know why I'm talking to you because he can't take criticism."

Depa's rage was becoming apparent. Her face was bright red and her eyes were looking to kill. Yoda sighed and used the force to open the chamber door. Sure enough there stood Qui-Gon, his ear pressed where the door had been.

"Good afternoon. Just seeing if Obi-Wan was almost ready to leave." Qui-Gon said.

"Sure you were." Obi-Wan sneered.

"Why don't you two get back to your blazing hot quarters and wait for the air conditioner repairman." Plo suggested.

"Yes we will do that." Qui-Gon said, "Come along Obi-Wan."

Qui-Gon left.

"Help me." Obi-Wan whispered one last time and followed Qui-Gon out.

"Now for that coffee break." Mace stood up and ran out of the chamber before Yoda had time to object.

The other council members followed. Adi met up with Depa outside of the ladies' room.

"So Depa, are you alright?" Adi asked.

"Yeah. A minute longer and I wouldn't have been." Depa sighed.

"Yeah. Those guys just don't understand." Adi glanced over to where the other members of the Jedi council were fighting for a place in line at the Pepsi vending machine.

"Yeah. It's tough being a woman." Depa agreed, "Especially when you're on the Jedi Council."


	2. Part Two: A Special Kitty

"Yes Master Jinn, we will get that squeaky door looked into right away." Mace reassured Qui-Gon for the umpteenth time.

 "Thank you very much." Qui-Gon bowed and left.

Obi-Wan had not been allowed to accompany Qui-Gon on his visit to the Jedi Council. After what had happened last time. Obi-Wan was grounded.

"That Qui-Gon." Shaak sighed, "Such a pain. I want to hurt him."

"Thinking like a Jedi you are not, Shaak Ti." Yoda said.

"Yeah. A Jedi would want to kill him." Mace added.

Yoda rolled his eyes.

"Meow." Came a sound from somewhere in the room.

Everyone turned to stare at Oppo Ransis.

"What?" Oppo asked.

"Did you meow?" Depa asked.

"No." Oppo replied.

"Meow."

The Jedi Masters drew their lightsabers and jumped up.

"What is that?" Adi wanted to know.

"And where did it come from?" Yarael questioned.

Everyone then noticed that Mace had not stood up or drawn his lightsaber.

"Master Windu know anything about this noise do you?" Yoda inquired.

"No." Mace blushed.

"MEOW!" It was louder now.

Depa's eyes widen with terror as she saw something moving under Mace's robe.

"Oh my word…" She stammered.

"What is it, Depa?" Plo asked.

Depa pointed at Mace. Sure enough some sort of creature was crawling around inside his robe. (My gosh this sounds wrong…)

"What are you hiding, Windu?" Oppo demanded.

"Nothing." Mace blushed again.

"MEEEOOOOOW!" At that minute the head of a white fluffy cat popped out of Mace's collar.

Pure chaos erupted. Lightsabers were flying and crashing was heard throughout the temple.

A young Padawan was walking by the council room.

"WTF?" He said.

A Jedi Master who was walking by slapped him in the back of the head, "Watch your mouth, kid."

The master walked on. The padawan listened in horror to sounds behind the door.

"Oh no." He said, "The temple is under attack. I have to sound the Dark Side alarm!" (The Dark Side alarm is only to be used if the temple is getting invaded by Sith. If only someone had thought to set off the alarm during Revenge of the Sith...)

He ran off.

"Kill it!" Shaak yelled as she attempted to slice the white cat in half.

Mace began squealing like a little girl, "Stop!"

Everyone stared, having never heard Mace make such a noise before.

"Master Windu? Ill are you?" Yoda demanded, "Swallow a Boga?"

"No! Don't kill my Moonbeam!" Mace shouted.

"Moonbeam?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"Yeah." Mace sighed, "My cat Moonbeam. My baby. My precious. My padawan."

"Training a cat you are?" Yoda asked.

"How good is he at building lightsabers?" Shaak asked.

Everyone laughed.

"Moonbeam is a very special kitty." Mace told them.

The laughter got louder. By now a large group of curious Jedi had gathered outside of the council chambers and were listening intently.

"What makes it so fabulous?" Ki-Adi-Mundi demanded.

"He's just special." Mace cuddled the white cat, "And I'm going to be leaving on a mission in a few days and you all are going to have to take care of my special kitty."

"Do you always carry that thing under your robe?" Yarael asked.

"Yes I do Poof." Mace snapped, "Now shut up before I slice your head off."

"I'll just grow a new one." Yarael snorted.

Yes. Yarael Poof had the ability to regenerate his head. He had to develop this ability. Why? Because an angry council member (usually female) chopped his head off every other day.

"What must we do to take care of this animal?" Adi asked.

"Moonbeam is not an animal!" Mace screamed, "Moonbeam is a very special kitty."

Adi sighed, "What do we have to do to take care of this special kitty."

"Feed him three times a day. Bathe him every other day. Make sure someone is with him at all times. Play womprat on a string with him every two hours. Hold him at least five hours each day. Groom him every three hours or so. Sing him to sleep each night. And tell him how special he is every five minutes or so." Mace replied.

"Sorry I asked." Adi muttered.

"How long will you be gone?" Plo wanted to know.

"A week." Mace said, "And I expect Moonbeam to be in tip top shape when I return."

Oh please, Mace. Look who you're leaving him with!

"Okay…" Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "Let's go home for the day."

The council members left the chambers. Upon exiting they noticed the large group of spectators they had attracted.

"Got a problem?" Mace demanded.

The group quickly dispersed. The council members headed for their quarters. Eeth Koth had been running late that day after getting a speeding ticket from the hall monitor in the lobby of the Jedi temple. There was a sign in the lobby with a picture of Yoda on it that said, "Run not, walk you must." Eeth had ran. And spent four hours in a detention center with naughty little younglings and Obi-Wan who Qui-Gon had dropped off there. Eeth was then forced to write a three page apology to the Jedi Council, in other words to himself. And write a six page paper explaining why he was running in the first place.

And now Eeth had finally made it to the council chamber.

"What's going on?" Eeth asked himself, "Where is everyone?"

The chairs in the chamber had been knocked over and there were lightsaber burns in the walls. At that minute a siren went off.

"The Dark Side alarm!" Eeth shouted, "We're under attack!"

He drew his lightsaber and heroically ran down the hall and got another speeding ticket from a different hall monitor.

Mace left two days later. He dropped Moonbeam off with Shaak before he left.

"Thanks Mace," said Shaak. "I'm deathly allergic to cat fur." She went into a sneezing fit.

The day went on normally with ten people taking care of Moonbeam. It really wasn't that much of a pain for awhile.

Yoda was actually getting attached to Moonbeam. "A very special kitty you are, yes… Loves you Yoda does, yes…"  
"Yoda, you're scaring the younglings," Ki-Adi-Mundi muttered.

A group of younglings was putting on a circus for the council. They had stopped juggling their lightsabers and were staring at Yoda.

"Come on, children. Let's go bake some cupcakes," Adi led the children out of the chamber.

Moonbeam jumped out of Yoda's lap and followed Adi.

"No! No, no, no," said Yoda. "Stay with Uncle Yoda, you will."

Moonbeam continued to follow Adi.

"Poodoo," Yoda said.

After staring at Yoda for three hours, the council continued with their council business. Adi and the younglings went to the kitchen. "Okay," said Adi, "I'm not a very good cook, but you children needed to get out of there before you were scarred for life. So, you all can just do whatever you want."

The younglings proceeded to destroy the kitchen. A small group of younglings mixed red and blue food coloring in a bowl.

"Look! It makes purple!" one youngling cried. "Let's dunk the cat in it!"

"It will match Master Windu's lightsaber!" Another one shouted.

They grabbed the cat by the tail.

"MEEEEEOOOOWWWW!" Moonbeam objected.

They dipped the cat in the purple mixture.

"Children, what are you doing?" Adi demanded. She had been busy cleaning up broken glass from another mess another group of younglings had made.

"Look, Master Gallia! It matches Master Windu's lightsaber!" one of the younglings held up the soggy violet kitty.

"Yes, children, it does. Now go find your Masters, so I can give the kitty a bath," Adi said. And then under her breath, she muttered, "So it won't permenantly stain the kitty, and Master Windu will not slice my head off. Because, unlike Poof, I cannot grow another one."

"Okay, Master Gallia," the children all rushed off.

Adi bathed the cat five times, but the purple would not come out. She finally told the other members of the council what had happened.

"What?" Yoda said. "Let this happen to precious Moonboom, you did?" He accused, jabbing Adi with his gimmerstick.

"It was an accident. The younglings did it!" Adi whined.

"Well, we need to do something." Ki-Adi-Mundi said.

"Let's shave the cat," Plo suggested. "Perhaps his hair will grow back before Master Windu returns."

So they shaved the cat. But a week later, it was still bald.

"What do we do now?" Depa wondered.

"I don't know," Shaak Ti said, and sneezed.

"I have an idea." Said Ki-Adi-Mundi. "COFFEE BREAK!"

The council all ran out.

"Now what?" Depa asked.

"Watch this." Ki-Adi-Mundi pulled a sleeping pill out of his robe, crushed it up, and put in a cup of coffee. "Now we gave this to Oppo, and while he's unconscious we'll shave his fur and glue it on the cat."

"Okay. Here Oppo, thirsty?" Shaak asked.

"Yes, thank you." Clueless Oppo took the cup. He drank all the coffee, and three seconds later, fell to the floor.

Yoda pulled a razor out of his robe, and grinned. "Shaving time it is, yes." He then proceeded to shave off Oppo's fur.

Yarael pulled superglue out of his robe and squirted it all over Moonbeam. They then stuck the fur all over the cat. And it was soon hard to tell, that the cat had ever been purple. Or bald.

Mace finally returned. He was thrilled to see Moonbeam intact. "Oppo, why are you bald?"

"I wanted to look more like you," Oppo grumbled.

"Whatever," Mace picked up Moonbeam and cuddled it. "You're such a special kitty." Mace tried to put Moonbeam down, but was unable to because the cat was stuck to his face. "What happened? What's going on?"

"Meow," Moonbeam agreed.

The members turned red as Shaak Ti, she just stayed red though.

"Your cat's just very happy to see you," Plo said. "It doesn't want you to leave again."

"So, he glued himself to my face?" Mace questioned.

"Yes. Loves you, he does. Miss you, he did." Yoda said.

"Oh, okay," Mace grinned and left the chamber.

…………………………………….…But whatever happened to Eeth Koth?

Well after spending another five hours in detention, he took it upon himself to save the temple from its invaders. He went down to the boiler room and got in a lightsaber duel with what he thought was a Sith lord but turned out to be the water heater and it exploded (which Qui-Gon will complain about later). Aayla Secura found him and rushed him to the healers.


	3. Part 3: DDR

 

"So you see Masters, Jedi robes are too revealing." Qui-Gon Jinn said, "I am afraid that if I allow young Obi-Wan to leave our quarters dressed like that, he will be…well…"

 "Raped?" Mace filled in the blank.

"Yes." Qui-Gon replied, "I've seen the way those female padawans look at him. It makes me nervous."

"They won't hurt him…too badly." Shaak said.

"You masters do not care about Obi-Wan's wellbeing!" Qui-Gon shouted.

"We do. You don't. You're always sending him to the detention center with scary people who WILL rape him." Ki-Adi-Mundi retorted.

"Fine. I shall start forcing Obi-Wan to dress more conservatively." Qui-Gon replied.

"How can it get more conservative than a Jedi robe?" Plo asked.

"I'm going to make him wear a ski mask so no one will know who he is." Qui-Gon explained.

"Well now we know who is. He's the Jedi with a ski mask on!" Adi yelled.

"I'll think of something. I just wish you masters would help me." Qui-Gon said.

He bowed and left.

"I hate Qui-Gon." Depa said, evilly.

"Depa's a Sith! Depa's a Sith!" Shaak teased.

"Hate Qui-Gon you can and not be a Sith." Yoda explained.

"Poor Obi-Wan." Adi sighed, "We really do need to get him a new master."

"Whatever." Mace said, "Now the next order of business, getting the mail."

The master all stood up and started dancing.

"Here's the mail it never fails it makes me want to wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAIL!" They all sang, prancing out of the chamber.

Hey these people spend all day sitting in a room listening to Jedi masters (mostly Qui-Gon) gripe. The mail is their only joy in the universe. They all made their way out to the mailbox. There was a large box sitting beside it.

"What?" Yoda asked, "What is this?"

"It's from some company called…Konami." Yarael read off the box.

"Hmm. Never heard of it." Adi said, "I wonder if it's near Komino."

"Let's see what it is." Yaddle suggested.

Mace attempted to lift the box. But it was really heavy. It took the efforts of Mace, Plo, and Ki-Adi-Mundi to lift the box.

"Weaklings." Shaak muttered.

They took the box inside of the temple and placed it in the council chamber. Plo took a box cutter out of his robe and cut the box open. Inside was a square board with four arrows on it. Two pink ones and two blue ones.

"What is it?" Depa wondered.

"Here are the instructions." Mace picked up a piece of paper, "It says we need to plug it into a TV."

Shaak ran down to the temple library and checked out a big screen TV. She stuffed it in her robe and ran back to the chamber. They plugged the board into the TV.

A little man appeared on the screen, "Hello. This is Dance Dance Revolution. Enjoy."

"What do we do?" Mace asked the TV.

"Dance." It replied, "Follow the arrows."

"But they're all pointing in different directions." Adi looked at the board.

The TV sighed, "Just look at the screen and arrows will appear and when the arrows appear, you step on the appropriate arrow. Do you understand?"

"Why do we step on the arrows?" Plo wanted to know.

"To dance." The TV replied, getting very frustrated.

"What does it do if we dance well?" Eeth wondered.

"It gives you a good score." The TV rolled its eyes.

"You mean it doesn't give us a cookie?" Yarael asked.

"No." The TV sighed, angrily.

"What does it do if we dance poorly?" Yaddle wanted to know.

"It self destructs!" The TV snorted.

"Oh no!" Mace said, "Maybe we shouldn't play it."

"Let's get rid of it." Shaak said, "It's evil."

The Jedi walked towards the board and were about to pick it up when suddenly, Eeth Koth accidentally stepped on a pink arrow. The TV started playing music and arrows started appearing on it.

"What did I do?" Eeth wanted to know.

"You stepped on it you idiot! You better dance well or we're all gonna blow up!" Adi yelled.

Eeth jumped on the board and did his best to step on the appropriate arrows. Slowly the music sped up as did the arrows and Eeth was forced to dance faster and faster.

"I can't dance much longer…" He said.

"I'll take over." Mace said.

"On three we'll switch places, one, two three." As Mace said three Eeth leapt off the board and he jumped on.

Mace did very well keeping up with the arrows. He's got rhythm you know…

"I used to break dance." Mace replied, "I once won a break dancing contest."

"I did ballet." Shaak said, "I'll take over when you get tired."

"Thanks. But I never get tired of dancing." Mace replied.

Three hours later…

"This is the song that doesn't end…" Mace sang, slowly, "Gonna collapse from exhaustion…gonna die…gonna blow up…"

"Mace I said I'd take over." Shaak reminded him.

"Yes…take over…please…" Mace begged.

"No. I don't want to anymore." Shaak folded her arms.

"Dance I will." Yoda said.

"Thanks…" Mace and Yoda switched places in the blink of an eye.

Yoda got his groove on. Yoda busted a move. Yoda can boogie! Yoda rocks the face!

"Master Yoda. I never knew you were such a gifted dancer." Adi said.

"My master made me take dance lessons when I was learning how to use my lightsaber." Yoda explained.

Five hours later…

"Dance more I cannot…" Yoda stammered.

"We're gonna die. Let's just accept it." Plo suggested.

"Yeah." The others agreed.

"Okay." Yoda jumped off the board.

The members of the council stood there waiting for the TV to self destruct and for them to die in a fiery explosion. The TV made a happy little sound. It did not blow up. The words "High Score!" appeared on the screen.

"We're alive…" Depa stammered.

"Crap." Yarael sighed, "If we were dead we wouldn't have to listen to Qui-Gon."

"A fun game this is." Yoda said.

"We could use this as a training tool. Jedi could keep their eyes closed and try to sense what the screen is showing." Mace suggested.

An hour later, the board and the TV were set up in the temple lobby. Jedi were lined up everywhere, waiting for their turns.

"A big success this is." Yoda said.

"Yeah. We should charge money." Mace suggested.

The Jedi were all dancing very well…until…Qui-Gon forced Obi-Wan to try it. Obi-Wan's new clothes cover everything, head, hands, face, hair, eyes, and of course the rest of his body. No skin on Obi-Wan's wonderful body was visible. How very sad.

"Now, try it Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon said.

"Master, these robes are so thick, I can't move." Obi-Wan said.

"Nonsense." Qui-Gon said, "Try it."

Qui-Gon shoved Obi-Wan onto the board. Obi-Wan could barely move in his new clothes and that caused him to step on the wrong arrows. The TV suddenly started making an alarm sound.

"This TV will self-destruct in twenty seconds." The TV said. There was a booing crowd noise in the background.

Panic erupted. Jedi were running everywhere.

"Everyone evacuate! Little green guys first!" Yoda yelled.

"And little green girls too!" Yaddle added.

All of the Jedi made it outside…except poor Obi-Wan. He couldn't see therefore he didn't know what was going on.

"Five, four, three, two, one." The TV said.

All the Jedi outside stood there, waiting for the temple to explode.

"Just kidding." The TV laughed.

The only problem was, Obi-Wan was the only Jedi in the temple and was the only person who could hear the TV.

"Oh. The building isn't going to explode. That's good." Obi-Wan said, "I better go outside and tell everyone."

Obi-Wan attempted to walk outside but since he couldn't see where he was going, he accidentally walked into a broom closet and somehow managed to lock himself inside. So all of the Jedi were standing outside of the temple waiting for it to blow up. Finally, a bomb squad showed up and after telling the Jedi they were idiots, informed everyone that the temple was NOT going to blow up. However they failed to let Obi-Wan out of the broom closet.

The council sent the DDR board back to where it came from. It turns out the only reason they got it in the first place was because a drunken mailman delivered it to the wrong place. If he had had any idea how much trouble he was going to cause I'm sure he would have never gotten drunk.

So the moral of this story is: Don't drink and deliver mail.


	4. Part 4: Ki-Adi-Mundi's Dark Deeds

Ki-Adi-Mundi is an enigma. Have you ever wondered what goes on in that tall head of his? Well today we will find out.

 "And so you see Masters the crack in the giant statue in the lobby is most unattractive. I feel that visitors to the temple will find it to be an eyesore and think we are all slobs." Qui-Gon Jinn stated.

Shaak Ti slapped herself in the forehead. Mace groaned and even Yoda could not resist rolling his eyes. Qui-Gon always had something to complain about.

"Alright Jinn we'll get someone on that as soon as possible." Plo Koon lied! He really didn't care when the stupid statue got fixed.

"Thank you. Sometimes I feel that without me this entire temple would just fall apart." Qui-Gon bowed and left the council chamber.

But wait! Where is that hot little padawan of his? Qui-Gon thought it would be an educational experience for Obi-Wan to take the younglings on field trip to the Coruscant Children's Museum. Oh the horror. And to make matters worse after that they were going to Wilbur Wookiee's Wonder World. (The Star Wars equivalent of Chuck E. Cheese complete with a ball pit, pizza, scary singing, robotical Wookiees, and dozens of plastic pipes for children to crawl through and get lost in.) Oh what a fun day for eighteen-year-old Obi-Wan.

"I think we need to banish Master Jinn to the spice mines of Kessel." Eeth Koth said. He was finally released from the medical center after sustaining third degree burns from the exploding water heater in part two. (See part two for more details)

"I think we can all go home for the day." Yoda said. Applause broke out. Except for Mace.

"What's wrong, Windu?" Adi Gallia asked.

"My quarters are being fumigated." Mace said, "I can't go in there for twenty four hours." If only Mace knew the next twenty four hours would be torture for him. He would have rather had bugs in his room than go through what he was going to go through tonight.

"Where will you sleep?" Yarael asked.

"In here I guess. I'll get some work done." Mace shrugged.

"Oh, the Jedi council open twenty four hours, Qui-Gon will love that." Shaak sighed.

"Ergh." Mace moaned, "Maybe I won't stay here."

"I would let you come stay at my place, but there's no oxygen there." Plo said. His quarters were special designed so he would not have to wear his mask in there.

"You could stay with me, but it would give people the wrong impression." Depa said.

"Stay with me you could but three feet high the ceiling of my room is." Yoda said. "Mine too." Yaddle added.

"You could stay with me." Yarael offered. Mace suddenly pictured himself repeated slicing off Yarael's head. He could slice off Yarael's head everyday. It was so fun!

'No. It'd get boring after a while.' Mace said.

"What would get boring?" Yarael asked.

"Oh nothing." Mace replied.

"Why don't you stay with Ki-Adi-Mundi?" Plo suggested, "He's pretty normal."

"Yeah, Ki-Adi-Mundi, could I stay at your place tonight?" Mace wanted to know.

Ki-Adi-Mundi began sweating like a nervous Gungan, "Well you see, I uh, I am uh…"

"Have a problem with Master Windu do you?" Yoda questioned.

"No, it's just that, uh…" Ki-Adi-Mundi stammered.

"Great!" Mace cheered, "It's settled than. We'll have a slumber party!"

"I wanna have a slumber party!" Adi shouted, "I'll invite Shaak, and Depa, and Yaddle, and Bultar, and Aayla. And we'll do each other's hair. And watch movies. And talk about boys!"

Everyone stared at her. Adi is always trying to relive her teenage padawan years.

"Oookay." Mace said, "You get right on that."

"I think I will." Adi jumped out of her seat and took off down the hall.

"Let's go." Plo said.

The rest of the council members left the chamber. Mace followed Ki-Adi-Mundi to his quarters. Ki-Adi-Mundi was being really quiet.

"So…" Mace said, "How about that bean casserole they had in the cafeteria last week. Pretty rancid, eh?"

"What?" Ki-Adi-Mundi acted as though he had not heard a word Mace had said, "Yes, it was great."

"Oh." Mace was puzzled. Ki-Adi-Mundi opened his front door and they stepped into his quarters.

"Well make yourself at home." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "You can sleep on the couch. Or in the bathtub, or on the back porch, wherever really. Just stay out of my room."

"Oh. Okay." Mace said, "I think I'll just sleep on the couch."

"Whatever." Ki-Adi-Mundi snapped.

"You seem awfully tense." Mace said, "Maybe we should go crash Adi's party, that always loosens me up." (Apparently Adi has slumber parties quite often…)

"No that's okay. I think I'll just go to bed." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "Good night."

"Good night." Mace replied. Ki-Adi-Mundi went into his room and quickly slammed the door.

Mace sat down on the couch and began reading a magazine he had found on the coffee table.

"Bald Men Monthly." Mace read the title, "Why ain't I subscribed to this?"

Mace read a few pages of the magazine and then fell asleep.

Meanwhile, down the hall…

"Oh my gosh I used to have such a crush on Qui-Gon." Shaak said, "But now he just bugs me all the time."

"Maybe he annoys you because he…" Adi started.

"Likes you." All the other girls finished.

"No. I don't think so." Shaak said.

"Let's play truth or dare." Depa suggested.

"Okay. Shaak, I dare you to call Qui-Gon and tell him he's a sexy bantha." Adi said.

The other girls burst into hysterics. Shaak looked terrified.

"Are you chicken Shaak?" Depa asked and started clucking. (Yes we know, no chickens in Star Wars, but there aren't any cats either.) (See part two for more information on cats.)

"Alright, I'll do it." Shaak said, "Just to prove that I'm not scared." Shaak grabbed the phone and punched in Qui-Gon's number. Adi put the phone on speaker phone.

"Hello, Master Jinn's quarters, Obi-Wan speaking; please kill me." Obi-Wan answered the phone.

"Hi Obi-Wan is your master home?" Shaak asked.

"Unfortunately." Obi-Wan sighed and then screamed, "QUI-GON! PHONE!"

"Hello?" The next voice Shaak heard was Qui-Gon.

"Qui-Gon?" She said.

"Yes. May I ask who is speaking?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Yes. It's Shaak Ti." Shaak said, "I just called to say I think you're a sexy bantha. Bye." Shaak hung up.

Qui-Gon stood there with the phone at his ear, a shocked expression on his face.

"Oh, Shaak great that was." Yaddle laughed. The party continued.

Mace lay sleeping on the couch. When he was awakened by a door closing. He sat up and glanced around. He noticed that the door to Ki-Adi-Mundi's room was open. Slowly, Mace got up and approached the door.

"Hello? Ki?" Mace called, "Are you in there?"

No reply.

Mace stepped into the room. There he saw hundred, no thousands of bottles of pills.

"Oh my gosh!" Mace gasped, "What is he doing with all of these? Hmm. Well with a head that big I suppose he gets quite a few headaches and neckaches. So these must just be pain pills. Yeah."

Mace stood there in silence.

"YEAH RIGHT!" He shouted, "Ki-Adi-Mundi is dealing drugs! I have to find out where he went."

Mace ran out the front door. And ran smack into Depa.

"Depa? What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?" Mace asked.

It was then that Mace noticed Depa was naked.

"Oh my gosh!" Depa screamed, "Master Windu! I'm sorry. They dared me to streak through the temple!"

Mace averted his gaze, "Yeah I see that."

"Well what are you doing out here?" Depa asked attempting to hide herself behind some nearby drapes.

"I ain't got no curfew." Mace said, "I ain't no youngling."

"Oh. See ya later." Depa streaked off down the hall.

"Oh my. It's gonna be one of those nights." Mace sighed.

He went outside of the temple as fast as he could (except through the lobby because he did not want to get a speeding ticket from the watchful hall monitor).

"Hey." Mace said to the hall monitor, "There's a crazy naked chick running around on the fourth floor, you might wanna do something about that."

"I'll get right on it." The young security guard sound very interested and ran upstairs.

Mace bolted out of the temple and down the street. He could sense Ki-Adi-Mundi's presence and he followed into the dark underground nightlife of Coruscant.

"Man." Mace said, "This is creepy."

"Ya wanna buy some death sticks?" Someone asked Mace.

"Who do you work for punk!" Mace grabbed the guy by his collar.

"I work for some guy with a tall head. He wears Jedi robes like yours but yours are much more stylish they compliment your figure." The guys said.

'Is he flirting with me?' Mace thought.

"Thank you very much that's all I needed to know." Mace dropped the man and ran off.

"If you're in town again call me." The guy said.

"Yikes." Mace said.

After passing several bars, various species of prostitutes, and dozens of bounty hunter looking for work, Mace found a small booth with a familiar tall headed guy sitting behind it.

Mace put his hood up and crept over to the booth.

"Hello sir, how may I help you?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"You can start by…" Mace pulled his hood down, "Telling me what the heck you're doing!"

"Mace." Ki-Adi-Mundi stammered, "What are you doing here?"

"Well so far I've picked a boyfriend, gotten offered three hundred different kinds of drugs, and gotten the numbers of over twenty different street walkers!" Mace shouted, "But I started out looking for you!"

"You have a boyfriend…" Ki-Adi-Mundi said.

"Yes!" Mace yelled, too enraged to know what he was saying, "You are coming back to the temple to explain this to Master Yoda."

"Sounds like you have some explaining yourself to do. Attachment is forbidden you know." Ki-Adi-Mundi retorted.

"What? You didn't see me and Depa in the hall a few minutes ago did you?" Mace asked.

"No, but you said you have a boyfriend." Ki-Adi-Mundi said.

"I was being sarcastic. Now, you're coming with me, drug lord." Mace grabbed Ki-Adi-Mundi by the arm and dragged him back to the temple.

"By the way, what were you and Depa doing in the hall?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"None of your business." Mace snapped.

But on the way into the temple, a water balloon fell out of a window and splattered all over Mace.

"Direct hit, way to go Bultar!" Adi said.

They (Mace and Ki-Adi-Mundi) then heard the giggling of several women.

"Stupid Adi's party." Mace muttered, "Scarred me for life."

So finally Ki-Adi-Mundi and Mace arrived at Yoda's quarters.

"What are you doing here in the middle of the night? Watching Jay Leno I was. My favorite segment was on. Headlines. Funny they are and interrupted them you did." Yoda said when opened the door wearing a rubber ducky bathrobe and holding a Snickers bar.

"Master Yoda, Ki-Adi-Mundi's dealing drugs." Mace tattled.

"What?" Yoda asked, "Is this true? I should have been suspicious when you pulled that sleeping pill out of your robe when we drugged Oppo."

"What?" Mace said. (See part two for more information).

"Yes. I deal drugs." Ki-Adi-Mundi confessed, "I need more money. I've got three wives to support."

"Oh." Yoda said, "Understand I do. Give you a raise I will. But you must stop dealing drugs."

"Thank you Master Yoda. I will stop." Ki-Adi-Mundi bowed and headed back to his quarters.

Mace stood there with a completely flabbergasted expression, "He doesn't get in trouble!"

"Why should he? Needs money he does. Taken his wives into consideration we should have when we decided his salary." Yoda said.

"But." Mace objected, "If I told you half of the thing I did tonight you would fire me!"

"And what have you been doing tonight, Master Windu?" Yoda asked.

"Oh. Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow." Mace said and left.

The next day…

The Jedi Council women were all taking the day off because they only got less than an hour of sleep last night because they were so busy wrecking havoc upon everyone. Depa was in a detention center after the hall monitor caught her streaking. (He did allow her to retrieve some cloths before he took her there.)

"And after Shaak Ti called me a sexy bantha, I saw Depa Billaba running down the hall naked." Qui-Gon said, "What if young Obi-Wan had seen that? I'd have to give him…the talk."

"Qui-Gon, he's eighteen, he knows." Mace muttered.

"How could he know? Who told him?" Qui-Gon demanded.

"Ever checked the history of the computers in the library?" Plo asked, "Those padawans go to horrible websites…not that I was looking at them…"

"If you all will not help me, then Obi-Wan and I shall relocate ourselves to some other planet." Qui-Gon said, "I hear they could use a few extra Jedi on Hoth."

"That's the best idea I've heard all day." Mace said, "Pack your winter cloths Jinn, you're going to Hoth."

Qui-Gon stood there in shock, "I was not being serious."

"Too late. You're outta here." Mace said.

"But I will…" Qui-Gon started.

"Goodbye Master Jinn." Mace interrupted.

"Hmph." Qui-Gon said and stormed out of the chamber.

The phone in the chamber rang. Eeth picked it up. "Hello?" He said, "May I ask who is calling?" Eeth turned to Mace, "It's for you. He says you should know who he is. He said something about death sticks?"

Mace slapped himself on the forehead, "Tell him I was poisoned by some bean casserole. And died."

"Oh, okay." Eeth said, then grinned, Ki-Adi-Mundi had told him about last night, "He says he'll call you back. And that he can't wait to see you again. And that you're his little muffin." Eeth said and hung up.

"Eeth Koth. You have just signed your own death certificate." Mace grabbed his lightsaber and started chasing Eeth around the chamber with it.


	5. Part 5: Shaak and Plo's Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tagline of this story, "Oh…okay."

"Well this issue has been bothering me for quite some time." Qui-Gon said.

 "What is it this time, Jinn?" Mace demanded.

Qui-Gon Jinn had somehow managed to escape being relocated to Hoth. How? No one knows. But he's still at the temple. Annoying the crap out of everyone.

"Well you see I do not think male masters should be allowed to have female padawans and visa-versa." Qui-Gon told them.

Mace and Depa exchanged looks.

"Why do you think this, Master Jinn?" Depa asked.

"Well isn't it obvious? Is there a Master in this temple who hasn't accidentally walked in while their padawan is changing clothes?" Qui-Gon asked.

The masters sat there in silence. Mace shifted uneasily and Depa stared at him. There were a few occasions when Mace accidentally walked in when Depa was changing. But after Adi's party, the whole temple had seen Depa naked and it didn't really matter anymore.

"Do you knock Master Jinn?" Plo asked.

"Well…sometimes. But sometimes I forget." Qui-Gon said.

"How do you forget? If you see that Obi-Wan's door is locked, why don't you knock before entering?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Obi-Wan's door is closed so often, I never know what he's doing in there. He could be doing something horrible. Like playing video games or watching TV or who knows what! I try to walk in and surprise him and catch him in the act." Qui-Gon explained.

"Master Jinn trust your apprentice you should." Yoda said.

"How can I trust him? What has he done to earn my trust! He tried to replace me!" Qui-Gon said.

"Can you blame him? You don't give him any privacy." Mace said.

"If he trusted me he wouldn't need privacy!" Qui-Gon snapped.

The masters all rolled their eyes.

"Master Jinn talk about this later we will. Discuss it with such a master/padawan team and ask about it we will." Yoda said.

"I know Mace and Depa never had any problems, right?" Yarael asked.

"What? Oh no…none…" Mace said nervously.

"Fine. If you do not care about this issue I will find someone who does." Qui-Gon stormed out of the chamber.

"Qui-Gon is such a Puritan." Shaak sighed.

"He just believes that everything should be the way it was hundreds of years ago when the temple was first established." Eeth said.

"Yeah. I just said that. He's a Puritan." Shaak argued.

"Well personally I don't think there is anything wrong with male and female master and padawan teams. As long as they give each other some privacy. And no hanky panky." Oppo said.

Mace and Depa exchanged another worried glance.

"Mace? Depa? Is there something you want to share with us?" Adi asked.

"No. Nothing." Depa said.

"Dismiss this issue we will. Add a no hanky panky rule to the book we will." Yoda said.

"You mean there isn't one already?" Mace asked, maybe he and Depa hadn't broken the rules after all.

"No. With a rule against attachment we thought such a rule was unnecessary." Plo said.

"Yeah. It should be." Adi glanced around rather nervously herself.

"And now on to a more serious matter." Shaak spoke up, "My vacation. I want it now. Now now now! Right now!"

"Yes. When is Shaak's vacation?" Mace asked, glad he and Depa were off the hot seat.

"Begins today it does." Yoda looked at his calendar that hung beside his chair.

"But my vacation begins today." Plo whined.

"We can't have two masters gone at the same time!" Eeth said.

"Sure we can! We had four gone after Adi's party last week." Yarael pointed out.

"Yeah. You all can take care of the place." Shaak said, "Now I'm outta here."

Shaak ran out of the chamber.

"Me too." Plo ran after her.

A few moments later Shaak and Plo ran into each other in the hallway.

"Hey, Plo where are you going for vacation?" Shaak asked.

"Six Flags Over Coruscant." Plo said, "I love roller coasters!"

"Really?" Shaak was shocked, "I'm going there too. We should do something together."

"Okay. We can go on the merry-go-round." Plo said.

"Alright." Shaak replied.

"We should car pool. No point in each of us taking a speeder if we're going to the same place." Plo suggested.

"True. But I'm driving." Shaak answered.

"Oh…okay." Plo said, uncertainly. Shaak's driving skills were known all over the galaxy to be terrifying.

Plo and Shaak had been old friends. But they hadn't spoken much in the past few years. They needed to catch up. The two of them put their suitcases in Shaak's sporty green speeder (that clashes with her skin but she doesn't care).

"Nice ride." Plo said.

"Thanks." Shaak replied.

"How did you afford it?" Plo asked.

"I won it in a Sabaac game." Shaak answered.

"Oh…okay." Plo said once again.

Shaak took off speeding towards Six Flags. Do to her inability to go less than ten miles over the speed limit they made it there in just an hour and a half.

"Good time…" Plo said, his fingers still holding on to his seat.

"Let's go." Shaak jumped out of the speeder and raced towards the park gate.

"Yeah…let's…" Plo was in too much shock to leave his seat.

"Remember where we're parked." Shaak ordered.

Plo looked up at the sign at the front of the row of speeders. It said "You are parked in Veractyl 5."

"Veractyl five that shouldn't be to hard to remember." Plo said and got out of the car.

"Come on Plo!" Shaak shouted, waiting impatiently.

"I'm coming." Plo ran across the parking lot towards her.

The two of them bought tickets and walked into the park.

"I wanna have my picture taken with Wally Wompa!" Shaak said, grabbing Plo by the wrist.

The two of them waited in line for an hour to have their picture taken with Wally Wompa, the park's mascot. They then bought a print of the picture for only a low price of three hundred and eighty two credits! Theme park merchandise is so over priced!

"Let's go on the merry-go-round!" Shaak suggested.

"Okay." Plo said.

It was then that the two of them released they were holding hands.

"When did this happen?" Shaak asked, quickly pulling her hand away and wiping it on her robe.

"I dunno." Plo said and did the same.

"Oh aren't you two just a cute little couple!" An old lady said.

"Excuse me?" Plo asked.

"I saw you two posing with Wally Wompa. And then you skipped off holding hands. My husband and I used to do that. I miss those days." The old woman said and wandered off.

"But we're not a couple!" Shaak yelled after her, "We hate each other!"

"Very much so!" Plo added.

They continued on to the merry-go-round. Shaak got on a bantha and Plo got on a speeder bike. The ride went around in circles.

"This is fun!" Shaak shouted, "I'm winning the race."

Plo noticed her bantha was placed a few feet ahead of his speeder bike.

"No, I'm already a lap ahead of you." Plo argued childishly.

The two immature Jedi finally got off the merry-go-round and made their way over to the park's biggest roller coaster, The Raging Gundark.

"I hope this isn't too scary." Shaak said.

"It's not." Plo reassured her, "The last time I rode it all I did was throw up all over the guy next to me. Whom I later found out was Qui-Gon."

"You were sitting next to Qui-Gon on a roller coaster and didn't know it? Didn't he complain about something?" Shaak asked.

"No. He was unconscious." Plo explained.

"Unconscious?" Shaak repeated.

"Yeah. Him and Obi-Wan took a trip here. And Obi-Wan thought he was being a pest. As usual. So he knocked him out and dumped his lifeless body on the roller coaster." Plo told her.

"Gee no wonder Qui-Gon doesn't trust him." Shaak said.

After waiting in line for half an hour, they got on The Raging Gundark.

"This is gonna be great!" Shaak cheered and put her arms up.

The roller coaster made its way to the top of the hill and dropped and went halfway through a loop and got stuck upside down.

"We stopped." Plo said.

"Good one Captain Obvious." Shaak said.

They heard the frightened screaming of the other passengers. They were shouting things like "The blood is rushing to my head." and "We're gonna be stuck here forever." and of course "I can see my house from here."

Finally Plo used the Force to calm everyone down so they would shut up.

"Well looks like we're gonna be here for a while." Shaak said as she looked down at the ride's mechanics scurrying around like confused protocol droids.

"Yep." Plo said.

"Let's play a game. I spy with my little eye something that is brown." Shaak said.

"The temple?" Plo guessed.

"Yep. Your turn."

"I spy something yellow." Plo said.

"Those flowers down there?" Shaak guessed.

"Yep. Your turn."

"I spy something red." Shaak said.

"You?" Plo guessed.

"Yeah." Shaak answered.

"This game really stinks when you can read each other's minds." Plo said.

"Yep."

"What do you wanna do now?" Plo asked.

"Let's catch up. What kind of movies do you like?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Oh…action and adventure. Thrillers. What do you like?"

"Romantic comedies. Chick flicks."

"I should have known." Plo sighed.

"Now what?" Shaak asked.

"Your definition of catching up is talking about movies?" Plo asked.

"Well I don't see you asking any questions." Shaak snorted.

"Okay. What's your favorite color?" Plo wanted to know.

"Isn't it obvious? Red." Shaak replied, "What's yours?"

"Green." Plo answered.

"My speeder's green." Shaak said, stupidly.

"Sure is."

"Yeah." Shaak said.

"Yeah." Plo agreed.

"Green." Shaak said.

"Cool color."

"Sure is."

"This sucks." Plo complained.

"Yeah it does. I'm bored. Let's use the Force to open all the safety restraints and watch all the other passengers fall to their doom." Shaak suggested.

"Nah. That's dangerous." Plo replied.

"Yeah." Shaak agreed.

Six hours later, they were still upside down.

"I'm getting weak, Plo." Shaak said, "I can't see anymore…"

"Me neither." Plo said.

"Something's touching my arm!" Shaak screamed.

"It's me." Plo replied.

"Oh…okay." Shaak said.

"You know, I never thought I'd die on a roller coaster." Plo said.

"Me neither…" Shaak's voice trailed off.

"Shaak? Keep talking! Don't fall asleep!" Plo shouted.

"Okay. No need to get so…melodramatic…" Shaak replied.

"At least we'll die together." Plo said.

"Yeah." Shaak agreed.

Back at the temple…

"Qui-Gon we don't care!" Mace shouted.

"But Master Windu without my ceiling fan my room is unpleasantly warm!" Qui-Gon said.

"And Obi-Wan, you say you didn't see anyone walk into your quarters, take out a lightsaber, and cut down the ceiling fan?" Adi asked.

"No. I didn't see anyone…" Obi-Wan said nervously. If Qui-Gon found out he was the one who accidentally cut down the ceiling fan while jumping on the couch with his lightsaber, who knows what Qui-Gon would do!

"Master Jinn we will have your fan replaced as soon as we can. Now leave." Ki-Adi-Mundi commanded.

Qui-Gon grabbed Obi-Wan by his braid and dragged him out of the chamber.

"Sense a disturbance I do." Yoda said.

"What?" Mace asked.

"Plo and Shaak. In pain they are. Dying they may be." Yoda replied.

"Where are they?" Depa asked, concerned.

"On…a…rollercoaster?" Yoda could not believe what his mind was telling him.

"We should go rescue them!" Eeth said.

"Not you. We all know what happened when you tried to save the temple from the Sith. You sliced up the water heater and Qui-Gon complained about it for two months." Adi said.

"Alright. Adi and I will go." Saesee said.

"Go. Hurry. Die they might!" Yoda said.

"Good riddance." Mace muttered.

"What?" Yoda asked.

"Nothing." Mace replied.

Saesee and Adi ran out of the temple, jumped in a speeder and sped off towards Six Flags Over Coruscant.

Back on the roller coaster…

"Plo…I feel like…my head…is…going to explode…" Shaak stammered.

"Me…too." Plo replied.

"What are the mechanics doing?" Shaak asked.

Plo managed to open his eyes long enough to see the ride's mechanics building a human pyramid in an attempt to reach the stranded riders.

"We're screwed." Plo said.

"Oh. In that case there's something I want to tell you…" Shaak said.

"Me too." Plo said.

"You want to tell yourself something?" Shaak was confused.

"No I wanna tell you something." Plo said.

"Oh. Okay. Well you go first." Shaak said.

"I…always…sort of…" Plo said

Suddenly they heard a speeder. It flew underneath them and hovered there.

"Plo! Shaak!" Someone with a megaphone shouted, "Can you hear me!"

"I can." Saesee rubbed his ear.

"Adi?" Plo thought he recognized the voice.

"Yes!" Adi yelled, "Can you hear me!"

"Didn't you hear me say your name!" Plo demanded, "Yes I hear you!"

"Don't worry!" Adi screamed, "We're coming to get you."

Shaak screamed in terror, "They're gonna get us!"

"It's okay Shaak, it's just Adi and Saesee." Plo reasurred her.

"Oh…okay." Shaak said, "Adi and Saesee?" She screamed again, "We're screwed!"

"Saesee get the speeder a little closer so I can undo the restraints!" Adi commanded.

"Adi, you don't need to use the megaphone. I'm sitting less than two feet away from you. I can hear you." Saesee said.

He piloted the speeder closer to the roller coaster until Adi could reach the restraints. Plo and then Shaak fell with a thud into the speeder. After dropping the two of them off with a medical team, Adi and Saesee went back to save the other passengers.

"Are you all okay?" A medic asked Plo and Shaak.

"Yep." Plo replied, "Just need to get the blood down from my head and into the rest of my body."

"Oh. Okay." The medic walked off.

"He didn't even bother to see if I was okay." Shaak whined, "My horns hurt."

"I'm so sorry." Plo said.

Finally Saesee and Adi landed their speeder and let Plo and Shaak in. The four Jedi flew back to the temple where Plo and Shaak would spend the rest of their vacation recovering from hanging upside down for so long. What Shaak and Plo wanted to tell each other on the roller coaster, the world may never know…

But wait a minute, what happened to Shaak's speeder?

Well Eeth Koth was feeling insulted after Adi said he couldn't go on the rescue mission. So he decided to go get Shaak's speeder. It took him five hours to find the speeder. After hanging upside down for six hours, Plo couldn't begin to remember where they were parked. Once Eeth found the speeder he headed towards the temple but wrecked and ruined the speeder. He fled the scene of the accident and left the planet before Shaak could find out about her speeder and kill him.


	6. Part 6: Jedi Congeniality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: We make a cameo in this as Adi's hairstylist and makeup artist. You can sound out Na'sheemanah for yourself just put extra emphasis on the last "nah" So it is said like Na'sheemaNAH. And Qecpfcne is somehow supposed to be pronounced "Candlelynn." Just thought we'd tell someone that.
> 
> Another Note: Yes, this is sort of based off the wonderful chick flick Miss Congeniality. But it's better than that! At least we think it is…

"So Eeth, are you having a good time on Kashyyyk?" Mace asked the hologram of Eeth Koth.

"Yes. These Wookiees sure know how to party." Eeth said.

In the background of the hologram the other members of the council saw a conga line of Wookiees dance by.

"As soon as you get back here, Koth, you're dead!" Shaak threatened, "My poor speeder, it was brand new."

"Yes Shaak, I'm very sorry about that." Eeth replied.

"You will be sorry!" Shaak shouted.

"Eeth, you will remain on Kashyyyk until your accident proneness is cured." Mace told Eeth.

"Thank you Master Windu. I told you I needed a vacation." Eeth said, "But you didn't listen."

"I'm sorry Master Koth. It won't happen again." Mace said.

"It better not! If he goes crazy again, he'll wreck another one of my speeders!" Shaak yelled.

The hologram of Eeth bowed and faded away.

"How many speeders do you have?" Depa asked.

"Fourteen." Shaak replied.

"Deal with your gambling problem later we will, Shaak Ti. Right now, put your hands together for the amazing complaints of Qui-Gon Jinn!" Yoda cheered.

The other members of the council applauded as Qui-Gon walked into the chamber.

"Oh…um…thank you Masters." Qui-Gon said, curious as to why he got an applause.

"What is it today, Jinn?" Oppo wondered, "Ice machine in your quarters not working and you're forced to drink your beverages at room temperature!"

"What?" Qui-Gon questioned, "Oh no. Nothing like that. This is a serious matter."

"It always is with you, Jinn." Adi sighed.

"Masters, I think we need to have some new lightsaber safety rules." Qui-Gon said.

"Like what?" Mace demanded.

"I think every lightsaber should be equipped with one of these." Qui-Gon handed Mace a lightsaber with a small black attachment on the end the blade came out of.

"What is it?" Mace asked, observing the lightsaber.

"A safety lock." Qui-Gon replied, "Try to turn the lightsaber on."

Mace pressed the power button on the lightsaber, "It won't work."

"Exactly." Qui-Gon smiled, "This lock can help prevent a number of injuries. It can stop younglings from accidentally hurting themselves if they steal their master's lightsaber. It can prevent masters from accidentally turning their lightsabers on while they are trying to put them back on their belts and they wind up burning their robes. And most importantly, it can prevent naughty apprentices from jumping on couches with their lightsabers and cutting up their master's ceiling fan!"

Poor Obi-Wan. Back in the detention center. After Qui-Gon saw that tape from one of the temple's security cameras, Obi-Wan was grounded once again. And sent to the detention center for three weeks.

The Masters sat there in silence.

"You know." Yoda said, "This might not be such a bad idea."

"I agree." Plo agreed, "I've seen too many younglings getting lightsabers burns treated after they steal their masters' lightsabers. It makes me sad."

"Well with these new locks, Master Koon, that can be prevented and you will not be sad." Qui-Gon said.

"I propose a new rule. Every Jedi, including us, will have one of these safety locks on their lightsaber." Mace said.

"Good. I hoped you would see it my way." Qui-Gon smirked, "I will go to my quarters and retrieve the fifteen thousand lightsaber locks I made."

"You already made them?" Adi gasped.

"Yes. I knew you all would like this idea. And I didn't make them, Obi-Wan did as part of his punishment." Qui-Gon said and left the chamber to retrieve the locks.

"Did that really just happen?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked, "Did we really just agree with something Qui-Gon suggested?"

"I think we did." Shaak said, "Weird."

"First time for everything I suppose." Yaddle said.

"We will send someone to pass out the new locks to everyone in the temple." Mace said, "Now let's all go home and get some sleep."

The Jedi all left the chamber. The next morning, they all had one of Qui-Gon's new safety locks installed on their lightsabers.

"I like this." Mace looked at the lock on his lightsaber, "It's kind of stylish."

"Mine's pink!" Adi cheered, "Qui-Gon started making them in colors!"

"Aw. I should've gotten a purple one." Mace said.

"It could match your lightsaber. And your cat." Depa slapped a hand over her mouth.

"What?" Mace questioned.

"I said it could match your lightsaber and your…your…hat." Depa said, "You know the purple jester hat you wore to the temple carnival last year."

"Oh I like that hat." Mace grinned.

"Receiving a message we are." Yoda said.

A hologram of a tall dark and skinny man appeared in the middle of the chamber.

"Who are you?" Mace asked, "What do you want?"

"I'm Gib Noslem." The man replied, "Every year my family puts on the annual Miss Galaxy pageant."

"That horrible beauty pageant that makes women look like objects? Ditsy objects obsessed with universal peace?" Adi gagged.

"Yes. That's the one." Gib replied.

"Well what about it?" Yarael asked, "Are you giving us free tickets?"

All the male members of the council looked very hopeful. Finally a chance to see women from all over the galaxy in as little clothing as possible. Ugh. Men. The female members of the council glared at their counterparts in disgust.

"No." Gib answered, "You see we think one of the contestants is a Sith lord."

"A Sith lord?" Mace repeated.

"A Sith lord!" Gib shouted, "And we've heard rumors that she's going to kill every contestant who places higher than her."

"Oh she's going to kill some of the galaxy's snobbiest, most ditsy, women. What a pity." Adi muttered, sarcastically.

"It is a pity!" Oppo shouted, "We can't let some innocent girls die just because they are prettier than a Sith lord!"

"Sure we can." Adi retorted.

Adi had hated beauty pageants since she was a little girl. Her old Jedi master used to force her to participate in the annual Miss Junior Coruscant pageant. Adi just wasn't the type who like to dress up and wear make-up. Adi was a tomboy. And still is today.

"Master Gallia since you seem to be so anxious to help this man, we're going to assign you to this mission." Yoda snapped.

"What?" Adi was shocked.

"You heard me." Yoda said, "Go to the pageant you will. Find the Sith lord you will and stop her before she can harm anyone."

"But Master Yoda I don't want to!" Adi whined, "Make Shaak do it."

"I'm sorry but the only planet who has not yet picked a contestant is Xorex." Gib said.

"I do not think anyone would believe Shaak is from Xorex." Mace said.

Xorex was a planet inhabited by humans. It had lakes and forests and mountains. It was a perfect vacation destination!

"Alright. I'll do it. But only because it might give me the opportunity to slice someone's head off." Adi said.

"I shall pick you up tomorrow Master…what is your name?" Gib asked.

"Adi Gallia." Adi replied.

"Oh. We'll hafta change that. I'm sure since you're a member of the Jedi council people all over the galaxy have heard of you." Gib said.

"And we all know Jedi are not allowed to participate in this pageant." Mace said, "They might use mind tricks on the judges."

"Okay. I'll be…Noleta. It means unwilling. Since I am unwilling to participate in this." Adi said.

"What about a last name?" Gib asked.

"Windu." Adi glared at Mace.

"No, that's too much of a Jedi name." Shaak disagreed, "Make it…Moonbeam."

"Noleta Moonbeam?" Adi said the name in disgust.

"I love it!" Mace said, "It reminds me of my special kitty."

"It's settled then. Thank you for your help Masters. I will see you tomorrow, Noleta Moonbeam." Gib bowed and his hologram disappeared.

The next day, Adi met up with Gib on the landing platform. They then flew to an arena on Coruscant where the pageant was held every year. On that landing platform they met up with two other people.

"Noleta, I'd like for you to meet your hair stylist and make up artist. Na'sheemenah Yenool and Qecpfcne Tama." Gib introduced her to two women, a blue Twi'lek and a red one.

"Hi." The blue one said, "I'm Na'sheemenah. I'll be doing your hair!" She noted the headdress Adi was wearing, "You do have hair right?"

"Yes." Adi pulled the headdress off letting her long tangled brown hair fall to her shoulders.

"Oh. Nice." Na'sheemenah said, uncertainly.

"I'll be doing your makeup!" The red Twi'lek, Qecpfcne, said.

"I'm overjoyed." Adi said, boredly.

"Let's get started! You're late! The first round of competition starts tonight!" Qecpfcne grabbed Adi by the arm and dragged her off to the dressing room.

In the dressing room they met up with all sorts of different species, all preparing for the competition. A Hutt with a banner across her shoulder that said "Miss Tatooine" came up to Adi.

"Oh, you must be Noleta from Xorex! I heard all about the attack that made you late." The Hutt said.

"Uh…attack?" Adi questioned.

"You know, the attack on your shuttle. Some gangsters boarded it and tried to kidnap you for ransom. But you fought them off barehanded!" Na'sheemenah shouted.

"Gib told us all about it!" Qecpfcne added.

"Oh. That attack. That was my ex-boyfriend and some of his friends. Apparently he's still mad at me." Adi played along with the story.

"Oh my gosh tell me about it! My ex kept coming into the salon where I worked and he would like keep pestering me! One day I pulled a curling iron on him, held it to his throat and marched him down to the courthouse where he filed a restraining order on himself." Na'sheemenah told them.

Adi just nodded and smiled.

"Oh by the way!" The Hutt said, "I'm Thamly Quiop, Miss Tatooine." She pointed to the banner, "I'll go see if I can find your ribbon."

The green Hutt slithered off.

* * *

_To Be Continued..._


	7. Part 6: Jedi Congeniality: Continued

"Let's see. You have beautiful eyes we need to enhance them!" Qecpfcne began on Adi's makeup.

 

"I'll try to get this mess back here worked out." Na'sheemenah attacked Adi's hair with a huge comb.

Adi glanced around the dressing room. She saw Miss Kashyyyk the Wookiee with pink frilly bows in her hair. She saw Miss Naboo, a Gungan with her ears twisted into a bun on her head. She saw creatures from every different planet dressed up. None of them looked suspicious. There was no way to tell who was a Sith lord and who wasn't!

"This is going to be harder than I thought." Adi said quietly.

"It sure is." Na'sheemenah said as she continued to fight with Adi's hair.

At that moment, Thamly returned with a banner that said "Miss Xorex".

"Here put this on, it's almost time for the competition." The hutt said.

"Oh, thanks." Adi put the banner around her neck and shoulder.

"You look beautiful!" Qecpfcne said as she finished Adi's makeup

Adi looked into the mirror. She had to admit, she did look nice.

"Oh and your hair is gorgeous." Na'sheemenah finished putting Adi's hair into a nice little bun with a braid hanging down.

"Thank you. But don't you think I need some nicer clothes?" Adi asked. She had changed out of her Jedi robes before leaving the temple and now wore an old robe and pants with holes in the knees.

"Oh! I can't believe we forgot the costume!" Qecpfcne said.

"We better hurry!" Na'sheemenah agreed.

The two ditsy Twi'leks ran off. Adi was now sitting alone in the dressing room. When suddenly Thamly and some of the other contestants wandered up to her.

"Noleta, I'd like for you to meet Armelle Uchuu, Miss Mon Calamari." Thamly pointed to a Calamarian wearing a green dress and a poofy blonde wig.

"Nice to meet you." Armelle shook Adi's hand.

"And this is Rini Ebtonolt, Miss Shili." Thamly introduced a tall togruta to Adi.

"Looks like Shaak." Adi thought.

"Nice to meet you." Adi shook Rini's hand.

"And this is Oudia Klay, Miss Aldaraan." Thamly pointed to a woman with red hair twisted into buns on either side of her head. (Princess Leia style).

"It's a pleasure." Oudia shook Adi's hand.

"The pleasure is mine." Adi said, politely.

"Oh! The music is playing! The competition is about to start." Armelle shouted.

"I'm not dressed yet!" Adi said, "Stupid Twi'leks!"

"Don't worry the host will stand out there and blab for thirty minutes, you still have time." Rini reassured her.

Adi was suddenly getting a strange feeling that evil was nearby. One of the four women around her was the Sith lord. She could just feel it.

At that minute Qecpfcne and Na'sheemenah returned with a lovely lavender gown for Adi. Adi quickly got into it just in time. The contestants were herded out on stage by stagehands. Adi and the others now stood in front of a screaming audience of various species. They were all holding up signs to show which contestant they supported. Every planet was represented, including Xorex.

"Who the heck is holding up a sign for me?" Adi wondered.

"Do you think she sees our sign?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"I hope so." Mace said, chuckling.

"I wonder if Adi will win." Depa said.

"I hope she will." Yoda said, "If she gets eliminated, she will not be able to be out onstage with the other contestants."

"She's looking at us." Mace whispered, "Everyone duck down behind the sign. If Adi knows we're here, she'll kill us, no doubt about it."

The four Jedi all crouched down behind their huge Xorex sign so Adi could not see them.

"Ladies and gentlemen and all you undecided changelings out there, meet your Miss Galaxy contestants." The host shouted.

The crowd applauded even louder.

"Tomorrow night we will have a question and answer session with these ladies." The host explained, "But right now, let's get ready for the swimsuit competition."

The audience was going crazy, especially the men.

"Alright." Mace snickered, "Swimsuits."

"This will be most amusing." Depa decided.

The contestants all went backstage to change. Qecpfcne and Na'sheemenah grabbed Adi and started redoing her hair and makeup.

"Uh, guys. What swimsuit do I hafta wear?" Adi asked.

"This." Qecpfcne picked up a skimpy yellow bikini with pink poke-a-dots that was hanging on the mirror, "Didn't you see it?"

"Yes, I saw it. I was hoping it was underwear." Adi said, "Why is it so…so…revealing?"

"Cause the person with the most revealing swimsuit always wins." Na'sheemenah explained.

"Didn't you see the judges?" Qecpfcne asked, "They're all men."

"Great." Adi muttered.

"And since they're all men, they're going to be look for more than skin." Na'sheemenah said.

"Excuse me?" Adi asked, could this get any worse?

"They're going to be looking for these." Qecpfcne held up two rubber bowl shaped objects.

"And those are…what?" Adi wanted to know, although she already knew the answer.

"Instant implants!" Na'sheemenah and Qecpfcne shouted together.

"Guaranteed to take you from an A to a D in less than thirty seconds!" Na'sheemenah said.

"Now hurry up and get into the suit." Qecpfcne shoved Adi into a small changing room and tossed the implants in after her.

"Here they come." Ki-Adi-Mundi said as the contestants came out from behind stage.

"There's Adi!" Depa cheered.

"Oh…my…word…" Mace stammered, "Adi has a chest."

"And skin." Yoda added.

"You perverts you told me we were coming here to support Adi not check her out." Depa snorted.

"I think that bikini is giving her enough support. So we'll just stare at her." Mace said.

"You all make me sick." Depa folded her arms.

Adi almost fainted as she made her way to the front of the stage. The audience went crazy when they saw her swimsuit or lack there of.

However when Thamly made her way to the front of the stage, the applause slowed. No one wants to see a Hutt in a swimsuit.

"Thank you ladies." The host said, "Thank you very much. Tomorrow night we will begin the interviews."

That night Adi paced around her hotel room, which she shared with Rini.

"Now let's see." Adi thought, "I know the Sith lord is someone I know. I only feel darkness when I am around Rini, Thamly, Oudia, and Armelle. But who is it?"

"I think I'll pick some flowers today." Rini said in her sleep.

"Hmm." Adi thought, "Rini talks in her sleep. I could find out some useful stuff."

Slowly Adi approached Rini.

"Rini." Adi said in her best hypnotist voice.

"Yes?" Rini muttered in her sleep.

"Are you a Sith lord?" Adi asked.

"What's a Sith lord?" Rini asked, still asleep.

"An evil person." Adi explained.

"No. I'm not evil. I like flowers and bunnies and kitties." Rini mumbled.

"Special kitties?" Adi wanted to know.

"Yes. I love all kitties." Rini replied.

"Thank you." Adi said.

"Well, it ain't Rini." Adi thought, "No Sith lord would admit to liking kitties. Or flowers and bunnies. So that leaves Thamly, Oudia, and Armelle."

* * *

_…Who do **YOU** think it is? _

* * *

 

**To Be Continued…**

 


	8. Part 6: Jedi Congeniality: The Finale

The next day Na'sheemenah and Qecpfcne prepared Adi for the interview portion of the pageant. The competition was down to the top ten contestants. So pretty much the judges cut over 5,000 contestants based solely on the swimsuit competition. Adi, Thamly, Rini, Oudia, and Armelle all managed to make it to the top ten. It was now time for the interviews.

 

"How did that Hutt not get cut?" Mace wanted to know when he saw Thamly slither out onto the stage.

"I don't know. But that rhymed." Depa pointed out.

"First I will talk to Noleta Moonbeam, Miss Xorex." The host said, "Good evening Noleta."

"Good evening." Adi said in her best fake happy voice.

"Noleta, where would you go on a perfect date?" The host asked.

"This I gotta see." Mace laughed, "Adi's never been on a date."

"Um...I'd like to go on a boat ride on one of the many beautiful lakes on my home planet Xorex. It would be so romantic to kiss under the moonlight." Adi is very good at making up crap.

The audience said, "Aww." And applauded.

The host asked Armelle a different question, "Armelle, what do you do in your spare time?"

"I volunteer at a soup kitchen and an animal shelter. And sometimes I practice juggling chain saws." Armelle answered.

The audience gasped then applauded.

"Note to self." Adi thought, "Keep an eye on Armelle, she juggles chainsaws."

"That's very interesting." The host said, "Now, Thamly what is your favorite place to go to relax?"

"My garden. I grow all sorts of pretty flowers and vegetables and mushrooms." Thamly answered.

"Note to self." Adi thought once again, "Keep an eye on Thamly, she grows mushrooms."

"Wow, that's very interesting." The host smiled, "Oudia, describe your dream man."

"He'd be sweet. He'd be tall dark and handsome. And he'd bring me flowers and we'd go dancing. And he'd make a surprise candlelit dinner on my birthday. And we'd get a little puppy and we would spoil it." Oudia replied.

The audience once again said, "Aww."

"Note to self." Adi thought, "Oudia is harmless. She likes puppies."

So the host went on to ask the rest of the contestants questions.

The very next day, the judges would pick the top three contestants.

"Do we even know if Adi has found the Sith lord yet?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"No. I guess we should have found a way to communicate with her." Mace sighed.

"What?" Yoda asked, "It's down to the top three and she still doesn't know who the Sith lord is."

"I'm sure she has a pretty good idea." Depa defended her friend.

"I have a pretty good idea who the Sith lord is." Adi said to herself in the dressing room, "It's not Rini, or Oudia. So that leaves Thamly and Armelle. They are the only two who are capable of being evil."

The host announced the top three contestants.

"Our first contestant is…Miss Shili!" The host shouted.

The audience showed how original and creative they are by applauding once again. Rini made her way to the front of the stage.

"Our second contestant is…Miss Aldaraan!" The host yelled.

The ever-so-clever audience applauded as Oudia made her way to the front of the stage.

"I guess Adi isn't going to win. Those are the last contestants." Mace sighed.

"Did you hear him? He said they were the top three contestants." Depa said.

"Yeah. And Adi wasn't one of them." Mace replied.

"He's only called TWO Mace!" Depa shouted.

"Fail math class did you, when a young padawan you were?" Yoda asked.

Mace folded his arms and sighed.

"And our third and final contestant is…" The host paused to build up maximum suspense.

"Please not me." Adi chanted in her head, "The sooner I lose, the sooner I can get out of these shoes…hey that rhymes!"

"Miss Xorex!" The host shouted.

"Aww. Crap!" Adi yelled, loud enough for everyone to hear.

The audience…FAILED TO APPLAUD! They sat there in silence. A cricket could be heard chirping. Slowly, a few members of the crowd applauded.

"Come on guys." Mace said as he clapped, "We have to support Adi. No matter how much she makes herself look like a fool."

The top three contestants made their way to the front of the stage. The contestants who did not win made their way off the stage.

"Wait a minute…" Adi thought, "Thamly and Armelle are gone. But I still feel darkness! No one has been killed yet. So the Sith lord must still be in the competition! Is it Rini or Oudia?"

"The second runner up is…" The host paused again, "Miss Xorex!"

"Yeah. I came in third, I don't care!" Adi thought, "Just announce the winner! If the Sith lord doesn't win, she'll kill everyone! But I don't know if the Sith lord is Rini or Oudia!"

"The first runner up is…" The audience was about to strangle the host because of his long pauses, "Miss Shili!"

Rini smiled and the crowd applauded. Adi watched Rini, waiting for her to start slicing people's heads off. But nothing happened.

"So that means our new Miss Galaxy is…" The host didn't pause very long this time. The audience has already used the process of elimination to figure out who the winner is, "Miss Aldaraan!"

Oudia smiled. The host put a crown on her head and handed her some roses. Confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling. The crowd applauded…how surprising.

The prop people working for the pageant had not measured the arena properly. And soon the entired building was full of balloons! Up to the ceiling! Everyone had to evacuate to keep from being suffocated by the power of balloons.

Once outside in the parking lot, Adi saw Na'sheemenah and Qecpfcne skipping up to her.

"Well. You lost." Na'sheemenah said.

"Third out of 5,700 isn't bad." Adi said.

"But it's not first." Qecpfcne objected, "You suck!"

And with that the two of then skipped off.

"Well gee. Glad everyone's so happy for me." Adi sighed, "So no one was killed at the pageant. So the Sith lord must have come in first. That means it was…Oudia."

"Yes, it was me." Oudia came up behind Adi, nearly making her jump out of her skin.

"Oudia, I would have never suspected you." Adi said.

"Oh, I may be an evil Sith lord. I might kill people for fun. I might burn down a few buildings every once in a while. But I'm a beauty queen at heart. All I ever wanted to do was win the Miss Galaxy competition." Oudia smiled, "And I love puppies."

"And since you won, you didn't kill anybody." Adi said.

"Yep." Oudia grinned, "But if I had lost, you wouldn't be standing here right now. I'd love to stay and chat, Noleta. But I've got thousands of reporters waiting to talk to me. Goodbye."

Adi watched as Oudia walked away. She knew she probably should kill Oudia, since she was a Sith lord and all. But Oudia's story touched her. Perhaps every Sith lord has a dream they want to accomplish. And maybe if they accomplish that dream, they will be happy and there will be peace in the galaxy…

"Congrats, Noleta!" Thamly and the others ran up to Adi.

"Way to go!" Rini said.

"You rock!" Armelle said.

"Thanks. Hey Armelle, can you really juggle chainsaws?" Adi asked.

"Sure can, wanna see?" Armelle asked.

"Sure." Adi said.

Armelle opened up her suitcase and pulled out three chainsaws.

"Good luck getting that suitcase past airport security." Adi muttered.

Armelle began juggling.

"Hey Oudia!" Adi called after her.

"Yes?" Oudia turned around.

"Catch!" Adi screamed.

She used the Force to snatch one of Armelle's chainsaws out of the air and hurled it at Oudia, hoping to decapitate her. However, Oudia caught the chainsaw and hurled it back at Adi who ducked out of the way.

"Ladies, I must warn you! Only experienced jugglers should play with chainsaws!" Armelle shouted.

"Oh, so you wanna fight, Miss Second Runner Up?" Oudia asked.

"Yes. I do as a matter of fact." Adi said.

"Then, draw your lightsaber!" Oudia said, pulling out her own saber and igniting her red blade.

Adi took out her lightsaber and tried to turn it on…but it wouldn't come on…there was a hot pink safety lock on the end of it.

"Wait a minute! Let me get this lock off!" Adi shouted at Oudia.

"I'm afraid I don't have time to wait." Oudia said, "Goodbye Noleta Moonbeam."

Oudia turned and walked off as Adi continued to try and remove the lock from her lightsaber. However, the metal device wouldn't budge.

"Darn you Qui-Gon Jinn!" Adi screamed.

Two days later…

"So why am I being banished to Hoth?" Qui-Gon asked.

"By putting a safety lock on Master Gallia's lightsaber you helped a Sith lord escape to wreck havoc upon the galaxy." Mace explained.

"Oh. I suppose that's a decent reason to banish someone." Qui-Gon said, "Obi-Wan, pack your bags, we're moving to Hoth."

Obi-Wan gave the council his best puppy face, "Do you all really hate me that much?"

"Oh, ignore that pathetic face I cannot." Yoda sighed, "Obi-Wan will stay here and train under Master Hazza until Qui-Gon's punish is over."

Obi-Wan cheered.

"But Masters, Obi-Wan is MY apprentice! I am in charge of him." Qui-Gon whined.

"Why should he have to suffer for your dumb mistake?" Depa asked.

"Well…" Qui-Gon paused.

"Leave, Jinn." Mace said, "We'll see you in four months. Unless you freeze to death."

"What a pity that would be." Shaak Ti muttered, sarcastically.

Qui-Gon sighed and exited the chamber.

"Thank you!" Obi-Wan bowed and ran off.

"So, Adi, nothing exciting happened at the pageant?" Depa asked.

"Nope." Adi said, "I just tracked down a Sith lord."

"Are you sure that's all you did?" Mace asked.

"Yes Mace. I should know what I did." Adi said.

"She wore an itsy bitsy tiny weenie yellow poke-a-dot bikini!" Yoda sang.

Adi paused and thought for a minute, "You people were holding up that Xorex sign! I'm going to kill all of you!"

"Yeah, if you can get that lock off your lightsaber." Ki-Adi-Mundi laughed.

Adi looked down at her lightsaber, the lock was still stuck on it. She threw the weapon down, "I'll just have to kill you with my bare hands!"

Adi started chasing everyone around the chamber.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

_Tune in next week for_

_Part 7: When Good Blenders Go Bad_


	9. Part 7: When Good Blenders Go Bad

Four months after part 6…

 

"So you see Masters, that squeaky floorboard in the temple library is most distracting when I try to read." Qui-Gon Jinn complained.

"Qui-Gon, you just got back from Hoth yesterday and you're already complaining!" Adi pointed out.

"Nice observation Master Gallia." Mace rolled his eyes.

"Complain so much you should not Master Jinn. Send you back to Hoth we can." Yoda said.

"Hoth wasn't that bad. There was little to complain about. Except for the cold of course. But there certainly weren't any squeaky floorboards!" Qui-Gon snipped.

"Alright, Jinn. We'll get on that right away." Mace said, "Now leave."

"I hope you get on it right away! A library is supposed to be a quiet place where one can sit and read in peace." Qui-Gon said.

Shaak Ti sighed, "Qui-Gon. Will you do us all a favor and…"

"Um…stay out of the library until we get the board fixed?" Depa interrupted Shaak. She knew all too well that Shaak was going to ask Qui-Gon to shoot himself.

"Thank you Masters. I shall do my best to keep out of the library. But I cannot survive very long without reading "Jedi Master Guidelines"." Qui-Gon explained.

"You read "Jedi Master Guidelines"?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked, "That five hundred volume series of rules written by thousands of Jedi over the last nine hundred years? Those books are SOO boring!"

"Each one of them is like fifty thousand pages long! And every time you think you've read all of them, they release a new edition!" Plo screamed.

"Yes. Those books. I am currently on the third volume." Qui-Gon announced, "And I must say they are very informative."

"Yeah right." Adi sighed, "The third volume was written eight hundred years ago. Half the stuff in there is totally outdated. They didn't even have lightsabers back then!"

"Discuss boring literature later we will. For now, leave Qui-Gon." Yoda commanded.

"Thank you. Goodbye." Qui-Gon turned to leave but then turned back to the council, "Have any of you seen Obi-Wan lately? I thought you all said he was staying with Master Hazza."

"He is." Adi said.

"No he is not! I went to Master Hazza's quarters this morning to collect my apprentice. But Hazza said he hasn't seen Obi-Wan in four months." Qui-Gon said, "What if he's been kidnapped!"

"We'll find him. If he's half as smart as I think he is, he's left the planet in order to escape you. Now leave." Mace ordered.

Qui-Gon stormed out.

"I wonder where Obi-Wan is." Saesee wondered.

"Like I said, he left the planet." Mace said, not telling everyone he was the one who bought Obi-Wan a ticket on a shuttle to Xorex.

"Now for the next order of business, who wants a smoothie!" Yaddle shouted.

All hands went up. Except for Oppo Ransis.

"Something wrong, Oppo?" Yarael asked.

"I do not want a smoothie. They bring back bad memories." Oppo explained.

"Like what?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Well a few years ago, I worked out everyday. And every morning I would make an energy drink in my blender." Oppo said, "And one day, one day, one sunny day…"

"Is this going to go anywhere anytime soon?" Eeth wanted to know.

"One day, I got my beard caught in the blade of the blender." Oppo said.

Everyone stared at him.

"How in the name of all that stays crunchy even in milk did you manage to do that?" Mace wanted to know. (Mace loves his cereal! Honey Bunches Of Oats!)

"Well I was leaning over the blender reaching for a banana and my beard got caught. Well I thought maybe if I turned on the blender, the blades would release my hair." Oppo explained.

"And why in the name of all the silly rabbits who cannot have Trix because they are for kids did you think that?" Mace wanted to know. (Mace loves cereal! Honey Bunches Of Oats With PEACHES!)

"I don't know. I was young and foolish at the time." Oppo sighed, "It was over one hundred years ago."

"You should try to drink a smoothie. The only way to get over your fear of blenders is to face a blender." Shaak explained.

"That's very wise Shaak. I'll hafta submit that one to "Jedi Master Guidelines"." Plo rolled his eyes.

"Alright. I'll try a smoothie. But leave out the bananas I do not want you to get hurt." Oppo said.

"Who said I was making the smoothies?" Shaak demanded, "You need to face the blender. Go one on one with the blender. Become the blender!"

"You want me to make loud noises and grind up fruits?" Oppo asked.

"That's exactly what you need to do! If you think like a blender, the blender cannot hurt you." Shaak said.

"Okay…" Yarael said, "Shaak why don't you go lie down for a while. I think that six hundred pound crate falling on your head in the storage closet may have done some damage after all."

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. Or maybe I just wanted to see if Oppo would actually start acting like a blender." Shaak walked out of the chamber.

"Come on Oppo, I'll make the smoothies and you can help." Depa said.

"Alright." Oppo followed Depa into the kitchen.

"What in the name of snap crackle and pop do they expect us to do while we wait?" Mace asked.

"Play duck, duck, Yoda!" Plo shouted.

"I'm it!" Yoda said.

The Jedi all sat down in a circle and Yoda walked around, hitting them all in the head with his Gimmer stick.

"Duck, duck, duck you are, duck, duck yes mmm, duck." Yoda said.

Mace quickly grew bored so he left the chamber to go to the library to checkout the squeaky floorboard.

In the kitchen, Depa and Oppo had gathered up all the necessary stuff they needed to make smoothies. Strawberries, raspberries, orange juice, etc.

"Okay. All we have to do is toss them in a blender with some ice and blend them up and then we have smoothies!" Depa explained, "Yay!"

"Alright…" Just being in the same room as the blender made Oppo feel uncomfortable.

"Do you want to push the button?" Depa asked in her best kindergarten teacher voice.

"Sure." Oppo looked at the blender. There were at least thirty different buttons, "Which one should a push?"

"The one that says "mix"." Depa replied.

"Alright." Oppo reached out to press the button when all of the sudden the phone rang! Oppo was so startled his finger missed the "mix" button and hit the "attack" button!

The blender turned its blades really fast until it lifted off of the counter like a helicopter! It's motor made a loud, ear-shattering grinding noise as is floated in the air.

"Look what you did!" Depa yelled.

"It wasn't my fault, the phone rang!" Oppo shouted.

Back in the chamber, Yoda answered the ringing phone. (There's a phone in the chamber and the kitchen. Yeah. In case you couldn't tell that. Honey Bunches Of Oats With Bananas!)

"Hello. Yoda this is." Yoda said, "Yes Qui-Gon we're looking for Obi-Wan." Yoda looked over at the other members of the council who were now playing an intense game of Red Rover, "Yes. Looking very hard we are. Find him we will. Goodbye."

Back in the kitchen, the blender was now flying towards Oppo and Depa.

"Prepare to die." A robotical voice came from the possessed appliance.

The blender released its pitcher and sent it sailing towards the two terrified Jedi. The glass pitcher shattered all over the wall. Depa and Oppo used their robes to shield themselves from the flying shards of glass.

"Come on." Oppo grabbed Depa by the arm and dragged her over to another side of the kitchen.

The two of them dove inside a large cabinet and closed the door. The blender floated around the room.

"Darn it. Where did they go?" The blender asked itself.

Slowly it flew around the kitchen checking under every table and inside every closet and cabinet. Soon, it was only three cabinets away from the one Depa and Oppo were in. The two Jedi could hear the sound the blender knocking various piece of cookware out of cabinets as it searched for them.

"This is scarier that that scene in Jurassic Park." Oppo whispered.

Suddenly, the lights went out. The blender was using so much power to fly around, that it blew the fuse that gave electricity to over half of the temple.

"Oh great." Depa whispered, "Now it's dark. Either that or my eyes are closed and I don't know it."

"No, it's really dark." Oppo said, "Now's our chance to get out of here."

Carefully he opened the door of the cabinet and crawled out, Depa not too far behind him. Suddenly, he saw a light in front of him. He stopped crawling.

"Oppo, is something wrong?" Depa wanted to know.

"I see a light." Oppo replied.

"Are you dying?" Depa asked, "Come on, it's a blender. There's no reason to be scared to death of it."

Suddenly, they both heard the horrific grinding of the blender's motor. Oppo realized that the light was moving towards them! He had forgotten that the blender had a battery back up system as well as an internal flashlight in case of power outages. (Cause you know, electricity or not, you can't live without your smoothies.)

Oppo and Depa stood up and ran out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind them. They could hear the sound of the blender on the other side, trying to ram the door down.

Back in the chamber, the phone was ringing once again. Plo answered it.

"Yes, Qui-Gon we know the power is off. Yoda and Yarael went down to fix it. It should be on very soon. Leave us alone. Have a nice life." Plo hung up and went back to where he and the other Jedi were playing flashlight tag.

Depa and Oppo were using all of their strength to keep the door closed. The emergency backup lights were on in the hallway. Depa spotted something.

"Oppo, can you hold the door closed by yourself for just three seconds?" Depa asked.

"Yes. Just hurry." Oppo said.

Depa moved away from the door and grabbed a mop from a nearby janitor's closet someone had left open. She slide the mop inside the handle of the door so there was no way it could be opened from the inside. Once sure that the mop would hold, Oppo moved away from the door. The two Jedi stood there for a moment, catching their breath.

Just when they thought they were safe, the heard the sound of wood being sawed through. The next thing they knew, the blender had used its blades to slice through the kitchen door and it was flying right at them. They both ran down the hall and smack into a hall monitor.

"No running in the halls!" The monitor yelled. He looked at Depa, "Hey, don't I know from somewhere. Aren't you that woman who I caught streaking?"

"No time to chat! Evil blender!" Depa shouted.

She and Oppo ran off.

"Hey! No running!" The monitor screamed.

Suddenly he heard the grinding sound of a motor. He looked around the corner Oppo and Depa had ran out of and saw a blender flying towards his face. He whipped out his lightsaber. As soon as the blender was close enough, he swung away and sliced it in half.

"I said no running!" The monitor shouted at the blender's corpse, "And I meant it!"

Oppo and Depa heard him yelling and hurried back over to him. They saw the blender carnage.

"You…you killed it." Depa said.

"It was running." The monitor replied.

"Well technically it was flying." Oppo pointed out, "But the point is you killed the evil blender and we are very grateful."

"Ding dong the blender's dead!" Depa sang and skipped around.

"Ma'am you're coming to the detention center." The monitor said.

"What for?" Depa asked.

The monitor pointed to a list of hallway rules hanging on the wall, "No skipping."

Oppo laughed as the monitor marched Depa down the detention center. Soon Yoda and Yarael fixed the lights.

The council returned to the chamber to discuss what had happened. After Oppo had explained everything, Yoda called Qui-Gon into the chamber.

"Master Jinn, you're going to Mustafar." He said.

"Whatever for!" Qui-Gon demanded.

"You called us to ask about Obi-Wan, causing Oppo to press the wrong button on the blender, causing the blender to attack and wreck havoc." Yoda explained, "It's all your fault the lights went out and it's all your fault that Depa and Oppo will need weeks of therapy as soon as Depa is released from the detention center. So pack your summer clothes, Mustafar is a bit on the warm side. See you in another four months."

Qui-Gon snorted and stormed out of the chamber.

But wait! What happened to Mace? He left the chamber, but where did he go?

Well he went to the library to check out the squeaky floorboard. Well the library is on the other side of the temple, so when the fuse blew, the power was still on in the library. And Mace decided that since he would get lost if he tried to go back to the chamber in the dark, he surfed the Internet for a while. Soon he stumbled upon a terrific video.

Two college-aged guys were lip-syncing to a song that went like this, "Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Milk and cereal. Cereal and milk."

Mace thought the video was so great he watched it over and over and over and over and over again. He spent three weeks in the library watching the video over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. (Maces LOVES cereal 4-Eva!)

* * *

You too can watch the Milk and Cereal video at

http / www . albinoblacksheep flash /milk

(Just make sure you take out all the spaces!)

If this doesn't work, go to Google and type in "Milk and Cereal" and click on either the first or second option that comes up.

We highly recommend this video! It's fun!

* * *

_Tune in next time for_

_Part 8:_

_Saesee Tiin: Matchmaker_


	10. Part 8: Saesee Tiin: Matchmaker

_Four months after Part 7…_

* * *

"Well, I'm glad we finally got a vacation from Jedi business." Yarael said.

The Jedi Council and some other Jedi were at the beach! They had taken a vacation to Xorex. Except for Adi. After winning third place in the Miss Galaxy competition she decided she would get too much unwanted publicity on Xorex. So she and Plo decided to stay back at the temple and take care of things like Qui-Gon. (Little did they know...Qui-Gon had snuck off to Xorex after he heard rumors that Obi-Wan was there.)

"Go surfing I will. Yes." Yoda said.

"Last one in the water is a smelly bantha!" Mace shouted.

The Jedi all rushed into the water. Except for Kit Fisto. Saesee noticed him lingering behind and walked up to his friend.

"Hey, Kit. Something wrong?" Saesee asked, "Self conscious about that new Speedo?"

"No. It's not that." Kit sighed.

Saesee leaned over to see what Kit was staring at. There he saw Aayla Secura lounging on the beach in her hot pink bikini with several other female Jedi.

"Wow." Saesee said when he saw all of them, "Shaak looks good in that one piece doesn't she?"

"No. That's not who I'm looking at." Kit replied.

"Bultar?" Saesee asked.

"No."

"Depa?"

"No."

"Surely not Yaddle." Saesee groaned.

"No. I don't want to move in on Yoda's girl. I'm looking at Aayla." Kit said.

"Oh." Saesee said. Aayla had a reputation around the temple. Most people thought that since she was a Twi'lek she was well…loose.

"She's so beautiful." Kit said, "And so smart and brave. I love her."

"Great." Saesee said, "Wipe the drool off your chin and we'll go talk to her."

"No!" Kit objected, "What if she doesn't like me?"

"She's a Twi'lek. Trust me. If you're male and alive, she likes you." Saesee said.

Kit punched Saesee, "How dare you talk about Aayla like that?"

"Sorry." Saesee rubbed his jaw, "But you know how Twi'leks are."

"Yes. But Aayla's different." Kit sighed, "She's special."

"Like Mace's cat?" Saesee asked.

"Yeah. Like Mace's cat." Kit said, "Only much less furry."

"So then I was like, shut up Adi, I know you won third place in Miss Galaxy but that doesn't mean you can just cut in line at the vending machine like that." Shaak told her pointless story.

"That's real nice Shaak." Depa rolled her eyes.

"Hey look." Bultar pointed, "Saesee and Kit are staring at us."

"Oh. Let's put on a show!" Shaak suggested.

"Like what?" Yaddle asked, "Dare I ask?"

"I have an even better idea. Let's go ask them to put sunscreen on our backs!" Depa shouted.

"Hey! What good would sunscreen do me? I'm already red." Shaak pointed out.

"I've got it!" Aayla shouted, "Synchronized swimming!"

The other girls all cheered and they ran into the water.

"What are they doing?" Saesee asked.

"I don't know." Kit replied, "But they're looking right at us."

"And smiling." Saesee said, "I'm scared."

The female Jedi all started swimming around. They all dove underwater and kicked their legs up in the air. They twirled around. They all did back flips in the water. They all formed a human pyramid and with Yaddle standing on top shooting water out of her mouth like a fountain.

"What the crap?" Saesee wondered.

"Maybe they're…drowning." Kit said.

"Oh! Then you need to go rescue them!" Saesee yelled.

"All of them?" Kit asked.

"No. You get Aayla. I'll get the rest." Saesee said.

"Look! Kit's coming this way!" Shaak shouted.

"I wonder what he wants." Depa said.

"Hello ladies." Kit said, "I happened to notice that you all were drowning."

"Drowning?" Bultar demanded.

Yaddle looked at Kit with tears in her eyes, "Is that what you think of our swimming routine."

"Well no…I thought…" Before Kit could finish his sentence the women all started wailing and sobbing.

"You don't even know talent!" Depa shouted.

"Let's see you put on a better show!" Shaak joined in.

"Shut up!" Came a yell from Mace who was a few yards away, floating in an inflatable ring that was painted to look like a giant Cheerio (Mace and his cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries!)

Soon they Jedi left the beach and returned to their condo. They condo had six bedrooms and six bathrooms. The rooming arrangements were like this: Mace, Yarael and Yoda. Saesee, Kit, and Eeth. Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, and Master Ballimoth Kaleekay (who we met in part one. He's just a normal human and very sneaky.). Shaak and Bultar. Yaddle and Depa. And Aayla and Luminara.

They Jedi had all settled into their rooms for the night. Little did they know a dark creature lurked outside. It was searching for something and it was going to find it. No matter what…

"Aayla, is something wrong?" Luminara asked her roommate, "You want me to go next door and make Mace turn down his boom box? I'll bet Adi and Plo back at the temple can hear that!" The men were all throwing a party in Mace's room.

"No. It's not that." Aayla said.

"Then what is it?" Luminara wanted to know.

"I'm…I'm…" Aayla said.

"Oh my gosh! You're pregnant!" Luminara shouted, "Baby shower! Wait, who's the father?"

"No, Luminara, I'm not pregnant." Aayla said.

"Dang it." Luminara muttered, "I'm never going to get to throw a baby shower!"

"I'm in love." Aayla replied.

"Oh! You're getting married! Wedding shower!" Luminara screamed.

"No! He doesn't know I love him." Aayla said.

"Who is it?" Luminara wanted to know, "You have to tell me or I'll put you're bras in the freezer while you're sleeping!"

"I can't tell you." Aayla sighed.

"Oh." Luminara walked over to Aayla's suitcase and dug out all of her bras, "I'll just go put these in the freezer."

"Fine. Half the clothes I wear don't require a bra." Aayla said.

"Well dang it I'm gonna put 'em in there anyway!" Luminara marched in the kitchen and put all of the bras in the freezer. She then returned to her room.

"Hey Kit, you want a beer?" Saesee asked.

"No. I'm not in a partying mood." Kit sighed.

"Still upset about Aayla?" Saesee wanted to know.

"No!" Kit shouted sarcastically, "I'm upset that Qui-Gon isn't here to complain to us!"

"Alright. No need to be so touchy." Saesee said.

"Hey Mace go fix some pizza rolls!" Oppo shouted.

"Alright!" Mace said, "Then we can go toilet paper the girls' bathrooms!"

Mace danced down the hall and into the kitchen. He opened the freezer. Inside he found a bunch of bras.

"Oh that's real nice." Mace muttered.

He found the pizza rolls and closed the freezer.

_The next morning…_

The male Jedi were all too hung over to go anywhere, except for Kit. He went outside and sat one the balcony overlooking the lake. Suddenly he heard someone walk out the backdoor. He turned around and there stood Aayla.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was out here." Aayla said, she turned to go back inside.

"Hey, it's a balcony not a bathroom. Come on out." Kit said.

"Okay." Aayla awkwardly walked out on the balcony and sat down beside him, "Nice day."

"Yep." Kit agreed, "What are you doing up so early?"

"I like sunrises. And I had to put my bras in the microwave." Aayla said.

"Okay." Kit stammered, "Not going to ask."

"Yeah." Aayla looked down at the beach, "Hey, someone's jogging down there. It looks like he's wearing Jedi robes."

Kit looked and saw the person she was talking about, "Yeah. I wonder who that is. It looks like he's being chased by someone."

_Down on the beach…_

"Stay away from me!" Obi-Wan yelled, "I don't want to be your apprentice, Master Hazza agreed to take me in!"

"Master Hazza's behavior is inappropriate!" Qui-Gon yelled, "Besides, you belong to me!"

"No!" Obi-Wan shouted, "I can leave whenever I want!"

"Not without telling me!" Qui-Gon said, "I was so worried when you disappeared!"

"Why afraid you would have no one left to nag!" Obi-Wan shouted.

The two Jedi continued to race down the beach.

* * *

_To Be Continued…_


	11. Part 8: Saesee Tiin: Matchmaker Complete

Later that day, Yoda was making up a big bunch of pancakes for the group. Mace refused to eat them, he had brought his Honey Bunches of Oats cereal bars! So the Jedi were all sitting around eating.

When suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Depa answered it and there stood a tall skinny woman with long black hair.

"Hello. I am Madam Leco." The woman said.

"Congrats." Depa muttered.

"I am a door to door fortune teller." Leco said.

"Fascinating." Depa sighed, she hated salesmen.

"Would you like to have your fortune told?" Leco asked.

"Yeah, right after I let you remove my appendix." Depa said, sarcastically.

"Depa, be nice." Saesee said as he walked over to the front door, "You say you're a fortune teller?"

"Yes. Since you are being nice to me, I shall tell your fortune free of charge." Leco told him.

"I'll try anything if it's free." Saesee sighed.

"I see great things for you. You will bring two people very close together. You will help them know how they feel. And you shall strengthen their relationship." Leco informed.

"That's it!" Saesee thought, "She must be talking about Kit and Aayla! I must be the one who will bring them together!"

"Thank you madam Lego, now please get off our porch." Depa ordered and slammed the door.

"Wait!" Leco cried through the door, "There is one more thing you must know!"

Depa sighed and opened the door.

Leco looked at Saesee, "You will die young. And you will be killed by a very powerful man." She then turned to Depa, "And you will become evil."

"Thanks." Depa slammed the door once again, "Turn evil. I'm already evil. What a fraud."

"You don't really believe her, do you Saesee?" Yarael asked.

"Of course not." Saesee said, "Do I look superstitious."

"You look like a reek." Depa muttered. (A reek is that big bull like thing that Anakin rides in the arena scene in Episode 2. In case you didn't know. We had to look it up. And I think you will agree that it looks quite a bit like Saesee. Thank you.)

"Shut up Depa." Mace said, "You're preventing me from enjoying my cereal in peace."

"Oh go grow some hair." Depa shouted.

"Children!" Yaddle yelled, "Behave we must!"

After breakfast the immature Jedi went to the beach again. Aayla, Depa, and Bultar were sunbathing. Mace, Eeth, Yoda, Yaddle, Shaak, and Oppo were all taking surf lessons from a local Xorex resident. Kit, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Luminara, and Saesee were all taking a walk on the beach looking for shells. Kaleekay was burying Yarael in sand until only his tiny head was visible.

"This is a pretty shell." Luminara held up a lavender colored conch shell. She looked at it very closely when suddenly a crab popped out and started angrily snapping its claws at her. She threw the shell down, "I'm obviously not the only one who liked it."

"Speaking of liking things." Saesee said, "Kit, what do you like?"

"I already told." Kit stared at Saesee.

"No, I'm trying to find common interests the two of you share. That way I can get you two to talk to each other." Saesee explained.

Luminara and Ki-Adi-Mundi exchanged confused looks.

"I'll be like a matchmaker." Saesee said.

"You've got to be kidding! You think that the two people the fortune teller said you would bring together are me and…" Kit paused, knowing Saesee could fill in the blank for himself.

"Yes I do. Who else would it be? Adi and Mace?" Saesee asked.

"Alright." Kit sighed, "I like to read. And I love to garden. And I have never told anyone this, but I like to dance ballet."

Luminara and Ki-Adi-Mundi burst into hysterics.

"Do you wear a tutu?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"Thanks, Kit. I'll go find out what you know who likes and see what you two have in common. Bye." Saesee ran off.

"What is he on?" Luminara asked, "He's flying around like an angry mynock."

Saesee made his way over to Aayla.

"Hello." Saesee said.

"Hi." Aayla muttered.

"I was just wondering what you like to do in your spare time." Saesee told her.

"Why?" Aayla asked.

"Oh, I'm writing a magazine article on Jedi knights and what they do when they're not saving the galaxy from certain destruction." Saesee explained.

"Oh, well that makes sense." Aayla muttered, "Let's see…" She looked at him, "Aren't you going to write this down?"

"No, I can remember." Saesee said.

"Whatever." Aayla sighed, "I like reading, gardening, and dancing ballet."

"That's just creepy." Saesee said, realizing Kit and Aayla had everything in common.

"What's creepy? Ballet? I'll have you know, it's a beautiful dance and it builds strong muscles. To kick people's butts with." Aayla threatened.

"Okay…" Saesee stammered, "I think I have enough information. Bye."

Saesee scurried off once again.

That evening, Saesee rented a rowboat from a boat rental place. He took Kit down to the dock.

"Now, she likes everything that you do." Saesee told him, "Just talk about reading, and gardening, and tutus. And you'll be fine!"

"Okay." Kit sighed.

"Here she comes." Saesee saw Aayla approaching, "Act casual."

"Hey Saesee." Aayla greeted, "Why did you want me to come down here, need some more information for your magazine?"

"What?" Saesee said, having completely forgotten about the lie he told earlier, "Oh, no. I rented a boat and was wondering if you and Kit would like to go for a boat ride together."

"You spent your money renting a boat that you weren't going to use yourself?" Aayla was confused.

"I get sea sick." Saesee answered.

"Then why did you rent a boat to begin with?" Aayla asked.

"Just get in the boat." Saesee ordered and ran off to watch from the bushes with his binoculars.

Aayla looked at Kit who was blushing, "I guess we shouldn't let this boat go to waste."

"I guess not." Kit replied.

Aayla climbed into the boat and Kit rowed out until they were in the middle of the lake.

"It's a beautiful night. It reminds me of a book I once read." Kit said.

"Oh, what book?" Aayla asked.

"It was a mystery novel called Dark Secrets from…"

"Lake Ipeakuwa?" Aayla filled in the blank.

"Yeah!" Kit shouted, "I loved that book! The ending was such a plot twist."

"I know." Aayla agreed, "I never thought Mapoka could be the killer!"

"Yeah." Kit smiled, "He just seemed too nice."

"Yeah." Aayla said.

The two of them sat there in silence.

_From the bushes…_

"Yes!" Saesee said to himself, "They've talked about books! Now move on to gardening!"

"Do you like to garden?" Aayla asked.

"Yes. How did you know?" Kit wondered.

"Well, let's face it, you have a green thumb." Aayla laughed.

"Two of them actually." Kit grinned.

"I just love to watch things grow." Aayla said, "It's such a joy."

"Yes. I love to feel the dirt in my hands." Kit said.

"It's no fun unless you get dirty." Aayla agreed.

(Oh my. That statement could be taken the wrong way…)

_From the bushes…_

"Yes!" Saesee cheered, "They've talked about gardening! Now for the ballet!"

"So what else do you like, Aayla?" Kit wanted to know.

"Well, I love ballet." Aayla replied.

"That is so strange. So do I." Kit said.

"I'm starting to get the feeling that we've been set up." Aayla said.

"That is so strange. So am I." Kit agreed.

"But that's okay. I'm having a good time." Aayla said, "I'm glad we're finally getting to know each other."

"That is so strange. So am I." Kit said.

"Are you stuck on repeat or something?" Aayla asked.

"No. I just can't think of creative things to say when I'm with someone so beautiful. I get so nervous." Kit confessed.

_Bushes…baked beans…_

"Oh, this is getting good!" Saesee said, "I should tape this and sell it!"

"Tape what and sell it to whom?" A voice came from behind Saesee.

It's the Grim Reaper! No it's not. It's Mace. Eating a Honey Bunches of Oats with Blueberries cereal bar!

"Mace!" Saesee shouted, "What are you doing here?"

"Eatin'." Mace replied.

"Well get down or they'll see us!" Saesee pulled Mace down into the bushes.

"Who will see us?" Mace asked.

Saesee shoved the binoculars into Mace's face.

"Kit and Aayla?" Mace said, "No way!"

"Way." Saesee replied, "And I think they're running out of things to talk about."

"Well then, it's time for the real fun to start." Mace said.

"…Fun?" Saesee muttered.

"You'll see." Mace dove into the water, robes, boots, and cereal bar still on him.

"Mace!" Saesee called, "Where are you going?"

"You'll see." Mace said.

"We could be really good friends." Aayla said.

"Yes." Kit agreed.

"But I don't think it would ever go any further than that." Aayla told him.

"I agree." Kit said, "We just have too much in common. Opposites are supposed to attract."

"That's true." Aayla said, "If we tried to have a real relationship, something would go wrong."

"We'd probably kill each other." Kit said, "We'd probably compete all the time."

"Yeah." Aayla smiled, "But it's still been a wonderful evening."

"Yes. It has." Kit smiled.

The head of a dark skinned bald man popped up out of the water. It's Will Smith! No it's not. It's Mace.

"Hello." Mace said.

"Hi…" Kit stammered.

"I have a message for you." Mace pointed at him.

"There you see her." Mace sang, "Sitting there across the way. She don't got a lot to say, But there's something about her. And you don't know why, But you're dying to try  
You wanna kiss the girl!"  
"Oh my God." Saesee muttered from the bushes.

"Yes, you want her." Mace continued his song, "Look at her, you know you do. Possible she wants you too, There is one way to ask her. It don't take a word, Not a single word. Go on and kiss the girl!"

Suddenly, frogs, flamingoes, turtles, and fish all leapt out of the water and joined in the singing!

"Sha la la la la la, My oh my! Look like the boy too shy! Ain't gonna kiss the girl!" Sang Mace and his choir of sea critters, "Sha la la la la la, Ain't that sad? Ain't it a shame? Too bad, he gonna miss the girl."  
Mace continued the next part by himself. By now the rest of the Jedi had all rushed outside to see what the commotion was.

"What?" Yoda said, "What is he singing?"

Mace went on, "Now's your moment, Floating in a blue lagoon. Boy you better do it soon, No time will be better. She don't say a word, And she won't say a word, Until you kiss the girl!"

Now the sea creatures returned, "Sha la la la la la, Don't be scared! You got the mood prepared! Go on and kiss the girl! Sha la la la la la, Don't stop now! Don't try to hide it how, You want to kiss the girl!"  
Luminara grinned, "Hey, that looks like fun!"

"It sure does!" Ki-Adi-Mundi agreed.

The rest of the Jedi (except for Saesee) jumped into the lake and joined Mace and his nautical chorus, "Sha la la la la la Float along! And listen to the song, The song say kiss the girl! Sha la la la la, The music play! Do what the music say, You got to kiss the girl! You've got to kiss the girl! You wanna kiss the girl, You've gotta kiss the girl! Go on and kiss the girl!"

The song came to a close. Kit and Aayla stared in terror that all of the Jedi and sea creatures swimming around their boat.

"Guys, we decided we just want to be friends." Aayla said.

Kit was too traumatized to say anything.

"Oh. Whatever." Yaddle said.

The Jedi all swam back to shore and the sea critters went on with their normal lives.

"Let's go back to the house. And forget this ever happened." Kit said.

"I agree." Aayla said.

The two Jedi rowed back to the dock and went back to the house.

Saesee stood there in the bushes, "Stupid fortune teller, she didn't know anything."

The next day, the Jedi were packing up to return to the temple. When suddenly Saesee spotted Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Neither of them looked very happy.

"What's wrong?" Saesee asked.

"Obi-Wan is angry because I'm taking him back to the temple. I am angry because Obi-Wan has a bad attitude." Qui-Gon replied.

"You two have stuck together for five years!" Saesee shouted, "Five years! Don't tell me you can't tolerate each other! You are one of the best Master and Padawan teams I've ever seen!"

"Thanks." Qui-Gon said, "But Obi-Wan is still a punk." (We like him that way!)

"Obi-Wan is a good kid. You just annoy him sometimes." Saesee said, "He's a rebellious teenager. Obi-Wan why don't you tell your master how you really feel."

"Qui-Gon it's not like I don't like you. It's just that, you want everything to be so perfect. And there's no such thing as perfect. I just wish you could tolerate things the way they are. Even squeaky floorboards in the temple library." Obi-Wan said.

"Well Obi-Wan I just want to help people with their problems. I never realized that it was bothering you." Qui-Gon said.

"And the council." Saesee said under his breath.

"Qui-Gon you're a really good master. I've learned a lot from you. I just wish you would give me more freedom." Obi-Wan said.

"Alright. I will." Qui-Gon said, "But only because you are a great apprentice and you will be a powerful Jedi some day."

"Okay." Saesee said, "Therapy session over. Now hug and make up."

"You're kidding right?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Nope." Saesee replied, "Hug."

Obi-Wan sighed. He and Qui-Gon hugged for .00006 seconds and then quickly backed away from each other.

"There. Don't you both feel better?" Saesee asked.

"Well, other than feeling like I need a shower, yeah I do feel better." Obi-Wan said.

"Thank you Saesee. See you back at the temple." Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon went off to their own ship.

"Bye." Saesee said, "Gee. The fortune teller was right. But I never imagined I would be bringing those two closer together. Weird."

**THE END**

But wait…

What happened to Yarael Poof? Kaleekay buried him in the sand. And he was stuck there until the tide came in. After being underwater for almost an hour, he was rescued by some of Mace's sea creature friends. They freed him and gave him a soggy Honey Bunches of Oats with Blueberries cereal bar to return to Mace. Yarael thanked them, went back to the temple, and gave Mace his cereal bar.

**THE END**

* * *

_Stay tuned for_

 

_Part Nine:_

_The Mystery Episode_

 


	12. Part 9: Special Kitty 2: Moonbeam's Return

"Obi-Wan has too much spare time when he returns from training. They need to give Padawans more homework so they will stay out of trouble." Qui-Gon explained.

"Qui-Gon, when was the last time Obi-Wan got in trouble for having too much free time?" Plo wanted to know.

"Uh…um…well…" Qui-Gon thought for a minute, "Never. But I know it's going to happen some day!"

"Qui-Gon the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior." The ever-so-wise Adi said.

"Then I guess I will just have to give Obi-Wan more chores." Qui-Gon said.

"You do that." Mace muttered.

"Mace, I just noticed, you're not eating cereal. Are you okay?" Depa wanted to know.

"Ill are you?" Yoda asked.

"No. Just worried." Mace replied.

"About what?" Yarael asked.

"Excuse me, Masters, but I am not finished yet." Qui-Gon spoke up, "I still need to tell you all about…"

"Master Jinn, we don't care." Shaak said, bluntly, "Now go home, take off your hat and your shoes sit down and meditate about happy things."

"But I am not wearing a hat." Qui-Gon replied.

"I meant it as an expression." Shaak sneered.

"Qui-Gon, what Shaak here is trying to say is, LEAVE!" Ki-Adi-Mundi snapped.

"Alright. But only because Master Windu seems ill. I will talk to you all first thing tomorrow." Qui-Gon bowed and exited.

"So Mace, whatcha worried about?" Adi wanted to know, "Did they stop making Coco Puffs?"

"They changed the flavor of Trix?" Yaddle guessed.

Eeth gasped, "Surely they didn't discontinue Honey Bunches of Oats Cranberry Almond cereal bars?"

The council erupted in laughter.

"It has nothing to do with cereal." Mace muttered, "I'm worried about Moonbeam."

The Jedi all stopped laughing and looked concerned.

"Uh…you didn't by any chance drop him in glue remover and his fur fell off did you?" Oppo asked.

"No, why?" Mace wanted to know.

"Oh, no reason." Adi glanced around nervously.

"Moonbeam has been really moody lately. He just isn't acting like himself." Mace said, "And the worst part is, I have to leave on a mission this afternoon. So I have to leave my special kitty with you idiots again."

"Hey!" Depa objected, "We took darn good care of that cat last time."

"Yes. But he's sick. And I won't be there to take care of him." Mace sobbed.

"Mace, we'll take good care of Moonbeam. And if anything happens, we'll call you and take him to a vet." Yoda reassured Mace.

"Okay." Mace sighed.

Later that day…

"Goodbye Moonbeam. I'll see you when I get back." Mace waved goodbye to his special kitty.

"Bye-bye Mace." Adi took Moonbeam's paw and made him wave.

"Bye." Mace got in his shuttle and flew off.

"Mace is right. This cat…I mean special kitty is acting rather skittish." Adi observed.

"Maybe he's got a cold or something." Plo shrugged.

"Didn't Luminara once have a cat? Maybe she knows what's wrong with him." Yarael suggested.

So Adi, Yarael, and Ki-Adi-Mundi took Moonbeam to Luminara's quarters. Luminara carefully examined the cat.

"So what has been going on?" She asked.

"Well, he just seems irritable and moody." Ki-Adi-Mundi replied.

"He?" Luminara repeated.

"Yes. Moonbeam. The special kitty." Ki-Adi-Mundi pointed to the white cat.

"This cat is a she." Luminara replied.

"What?" The three Jedi all said at once.

"Now my first thought was that this cat had some sort of nerve disease. But after noticing that the cat's stomach is really tight, I've made a different diagnosis." Luminara announced.

"What? Dare I ask." Adi said.

"Congratulations, you all are going to be parents!" Luminara cheered.

"Wha?" Yarael asked.

"You heard me, I think this cat is pregnant." Luminara answered, "The only way to know for sure is to go to a vet for a test. But I'm pretty sure that's what it is. You all should be thankful. If this cat did have a nerve disease, it would be paralyzed and eventually die."

"I'd prefer that over kittens!" Adi shouted.

"Well, I'm not one hundred percent sure that's what it is. Take her to a vet to find out." Luminara said, "Now leave. I'm having a few friends over for a game of Yahtzee."

"Why weren't we invited?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

Before Luminara answered, she slammed the door in their faces.

"So now what?" Adi asked.

"I really don't want to take this cat to a vet. It will probably traumatize him…eh…her." Yarael said.

"Maybe we can just buy a home pregnancy test and use it." Ki-Adi-Mundi suggested.

"Great idea!" Adi shouted, "But who can we trick into buying one?"

The three of them returned to the council chambers.

"Guys, we really need a few groceries." Adi said, "Could someone please take this list and go to the store?"

"Sure." Plo volunteered.

"Go also I will." Yoda said.

"Thanks…" Adi handed Plo the list.

Yoda and Plo headed to the nearest Wal-Mart.

"Let's see. Carrots. We've got those. Eggs. Go those. Socks. Check. Saw blades. Check. Sesame Street coloring book. Check." Plo paused, "Why does Adi want all this stuff?"

"Perhaps it is for the younglings." Yoda suggested.

"Saw blades?" Plo asked.

"Uh…maybe those are for Adi." Yoda replied.

"One last thing. A…what?" Plo was shocked.

"What?" Yoda asked, "What is it?"

"A home pregnancy test!" Plo shouted.

Everyone in the store stopped and stared at him.

Plo lowered his voice, "Do you realize what this means?"

"Pregnant Adi is." Yoda nodded.

"Who's the father?" Plo asked.

"There's no telling." Yoda sighed.

"Seven bucks says it's Mace." Plo muttered.

"Let's just go buy it. Then leave we can." Yoda said.

So the two guys went down the feminine products isle. They saw all sorts of scary things. Finally, Yoda found an EPT test. He snatched it up and dashed off to the check-out counter.

Soon, Plo and Yoda returned from the store. Thankfully, Yoda used to self check-out lane so no store cashier would question their purchases. Adi grabbed the bag and scurried off.

Yarael and Ki-Adi-Mundi dragged Moonbeam into the bathroom. Adi started reading the instructions on the test.

"Oh…my word…" Adi stammered.

"What?" Yarael asked.

"We need cat…pee." Adi replied, "Moonbeam's to be specific."

"Okay…" Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "We'll give him…I mean her lots of water. She'll have to go eventually."

And Moonbeam did go eventually. In Ki-Adi-Mundi's shoe.

"Thanks you special kitty." Ki-Adi-Mundi snorted.

Adi took a drop of the cat urine in a dropper and put it on the test. The three Jedi all waited in suspense for the results. About two minutes later, two blue lines showed up on the test.

"What does that mean?" Yarael asked.

"Eh…" Adi grabbed the box the test came in and started reading, "If the lines are red your dreams are dead. If the lines are blue, a baby for you. Well that seems a little blunt and unkind. And unnecessary. Who makes these tests! I'm gonna write my congressman!"

"Adi, it's just a pregnancy test." Yarael said.

"And according to it, Moonbeam is going to be a mommy." Ki-Adi-Mundi announced.

"Mace is going to kill us!" Adi yelped.

"Why? Moonbeam was obviously pregnant before he left." Yarael told her.

"And it's not our fault Moonbeam sleeps around." Ki-Adi-Mundi folded his arms.

"Okay. Maybe we should look for the father." Adi suggested, "I'm sure Mace would like to know. So he can get kitten support money or whatever."

"These kittens could belong to any cat on this planet." Yarael said, "There's no way we're going to find him."

"We'll just have to keep Moonbeam healthy until Mace returns." Ki-Adi-Mundi said.

Almost two months later, Mace still wasn't back. His mission was proving to be more difficult than he had expected.

Moonbeam was now very, very chunky. The members of the council were all growing very excited. They all started buying cat toys and cat clothes and cat treats. Everyone except for Plo and Yoda, who were still under the impression that the test had been for Adi. They started planning a baby shower.

One day, Shaak noticed that Moonbeam was breathing very rapidly and seemed very uncomfortable.

"Ohmygosh!" She yelled, "Today's the day!"

The Jedi all started running around like decapitated poultry birds. Three hours later, six new special kittens entered the world. They were all very healthy and Moonbeam was just fine. However, the council members were scarred for life.

"That was…disgusting." Eeth muttered.

"I feel like I need to take out my brain and wash that memory out of it." Oppo agreed.

"Come on guys!" Depa cheered, "These kittens are miracles! And they're so adorable!"

"Depa. Please. Stop it." Ki-Adi-Mundi mumbled.

"You men just don't understand." Adi snapped, "The process you just witnessed showed how we're all alive!"

"We're all dead!" Yarael shouted.

"What?" Adi asked.

"Mace's ship just landed." Yarael replied, "We're dead."

"We will have to tell him in a very calm, subtle fashion." Depa told everyone, "Someone take Moonbeam and her kittens into another room and don't let Mace see them until we tell him."

Yaddle and Eeth took the cats out of the chamber. Two seconds later, Mace entered the chamber.

"How's my special kitty?" Were the first words out of his mouth.

"Mace we need to tell you something." Depa said.

"Moonbeam's dead!" Mace shrieked, "You morons killed my cat!"

"No. Mace would you ever want to add a few members to your family?" Depa questioned.

"Now is not the time Depa! I need to mourn Moonbeam!" Mace wailed.

"Mace your cat ain't dead!" Depa screamed.

"Then where is he?" Mace wanted to know.

"SHE is in the other room." Depa told him.

"What?" Mace asked.

"That's right Mace. Moonbeam is a girl. And she just had kittens." Depa said.

"Moonbeam is a mommy?" Mace stammered.

"Yes. And you can go see them if you promise not to freak out." Depa explained.

"Okay. I won't freak." Mace said.

"That's what you said when you first saw Honey Bunches of Oats with raisins at the store." Depa replied.

"I swear I won't freak." Mace said.

"Alright." Depa led Mace over to the room where the kittens were.

Mace cheered and started jumping up and down when he saw the kittens, "YAY! Look the seven special kitties!"

"Mace this could qualify as freaking out." Depa warned.

"I'm sorry." Mace stopped his jumping and knelt down beside Moonbeam and her kittens, "I'm going to name this one, Moonbeam Junior. And this one Muffin. And that one Peaches. And that one Honey. And that one Bunches. And that one Of Oats."

"I pity those kittens." Yarael muttered.

So Mace was actually happy about the kittens. He refused to sell any of them and built them a gigantic cat jungle gym in the middle of his quarters.

"Well, guys. Do you all realize what this means?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"What?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Now whenever Mace goes on a mission, we have SEVEN cats to take care of!" Ki-Adi-Mundi replied.

The Jedi all sighed and buried their faces in their hands and prayed that Mace would never go on another mission.

But wait…

Two days later, Adi walked into her quarters.

"Surprise!" Yoda and Plo jumped out from behind her couch and threw confetti at her.

"What is this?" Adi demanded shaking the paper squares out of her hair.

"It's a baby shower." Yoda replied.

"For who?" Adi asked.

"For you silly!" Plo said and put a button on Adi's shirt that said "Baby on Board."

"What?" Adi asked.

"Don't try and hide it from us. We were the ones who bought your pregnancy test." Yoda said.

"That was for Mace's cat. Not me." Adi replied.

"Oh." Yoda said.

They all stood there in silence.

"Well. No point in letting all this food and all these decorations go to waste. I guess I can pretend to be pregnant for the day." Adi grabbed a pillow off the couch and stuffed it up her shirt. The three Jedi all went on with the party.

* * *

How disturbing. You see what happens when we don't plan the next chapter?

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

 

_Tune in next time for_

_Part 10:_

_The Pot Luck Dinner_

 


	13. Part 10: The Pot Luck Dinner

"And that Masters is why I believe everyone should have their apprentices spayed or neutered." Qui-Gon Jinn finished his presentation.

(Author Objection! Obi-Wan and I could have such beautiful children!)

Anywho, Qui-Gon's presentation had lasted a good two hours and featured a slide show, charts, statistics, and an eye witness Wookiee who claimed he saw a male padawan making out with a female padawan in the gym locker room.

Despite Qui-Gon's knowledge about his uh topic, the council was not convinced.

"Qui-Gon you are taking this complaining thing to a whole new level." Shaak managed to say after she regained her composure.

"But Masters if we want to keep attachment forbidden we have to!" Qui-Gon started.

"Where is Obi-Wan?" Mace interrupted.

"In astronomy class, why?" Qui-Gon asked.

"I am starting to believe that you are too mentally unstable to have a padawan." Mace explained.

Qui-Gon looked completely flabbergasted, "Mentally unstable?"

"Yes." Mace replied, "Obi-Wan will stay with me until we can find him a permanent master."

"But-"Qui-Gon objected.

"And about your most recent idea, by treating apprentices like animals, we would show them that we do not trust or respect them." Adi said.

"And lead to the dark side that can." Yoda added.

Qui-Gon looked like he might explode. He snapped the stick he had been using as a pointer during his presentation right in half. Then he stormed out of the chamber.

"Well." Depa stood up, "I'm gonna go barf up every meal I've ever eaten."

"Wait!" Yarael suddenly cried.

"What?" Everyone asked in an extremely cheesy perfectly in sync way.

"Do you all realize what today is?" Yarael asked.

"Thursday?" Plo guessed.

"No! It's the day of the annual pot luck dinner." Yarael reminded them.

"You mean that big dinner where distinguished Jedi from all over the galaxy come to exchange recipes?" Mace asked.

"Yep." Yarael replied.

The pot luck dinner was very famous. Thousands of Jedi came to the temple every year to exchange dishes and share cooking tips. Then well-known judges would pick the best dishes. Yaddle had won first place for the past twenty years. Plo was a whiz at making interesting desserts and almost always took home second place. The pot luck was a very big deal.

"Oh no!" Shaak cried, "I haven't made anything yet!"

"I'm just gonna bring the corn pudding I brought last year." Depa said, "It's still in my freezer."

"If no one ate it last year, what makes you think they will find it more appetizing now that it has been rotting in your fridge for a year?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"Like pot lucks I do." Yoda said, "Try out new recipes I can."

"We know." Eeth sighed, "We all remember that oatmeal, pickle, and tangerine concoction you made last year."

"We're all still recovering from it." Adi muttered.

"We'll all go home early today so we can get started on our dishes." Mace decided.

So they did.

"What should I make?" Yoda asked himself as he paced around his quarters.

"I know!" He snapped his clawed fingers, "Try out my new Betty Crocker Bacon Fill Cake Pans I can!"

NOTE: For those of you who don't know, the Betty Crocker Bake'N'Fill is a cake pan that allows you to make cakes filled with icing, ice cream, or jell. I wonder what Yoda will put in his cake!

So Yoda started cooking.

Shaak had gone to the temple courtyard to meditate about what she should cook. (The Jedi take their pot lucks very seriously you know). Oppo saw her and decided to join her.

"Something wrong?" Oppo asked.

"I don't know what to cook." Shaak sighed, "I'm not a gourmet chef like Yaddle or Plo. Heck, Dai is a better cook than me!"

"Hey! Don't be _that_ hard on youself!" Oppo shouted, "We should make something together."

"Yeah. We should." Shaak agreed, "But what?"

"Something that doesn't involve blenders, that's for sure." Oppo chuckled.

"Okay. How about pizza? Everyone loves pizza!" Shaak suggested.

"Everyone loves chocolate too." Oppo added.

"We could make a chocolate pizza!" They both yelled together.

They marched off to Shaak's apartment to get started. In the hallway they ran into Mace.

"Hey Mace. What are you gonna make?" Oppo asked.

"A Honey Bunches of Oats layer cake." Mace replied.

"Wow. That sounds much better than the Lucky Charms tacos you made last year." Shaak grinned.

Mace shrugged, "I was being creative. Lucky Charms went great with everything else, so why not ground beef?"

Mace walked off and Shaak and Oppo continued on their way.

Later that evening, the dinner started. The dishes were all placed on a long table to be judged. After that, everyone could chow down. The judges this year were Master Ellori Symbana, a Rodian who had been stationed on Mustafar, Master Cherina Almota, a human who was working on Hoth, and Cucabobba, a Wookiee from Tatooine. The three of them carefully looked at and tasted each dish. The first one they came to was Depa's ancient corn pudding.

Since last year, is had freezer burnt, turned green, and attracted its fair share of maggots.

"How old is this?" Cucabobba asked.

"A year or two." Depa answered, "Don't worry, it can't go bad!"

"That's because it can't get any worse that it already is!" Muttered Mace whose dish was next to Depa's on the table.

Needless to say the judges did not want to catch malaria, therefore they did not eat the corn pudding. They also warned Depa that if the corn pudding returned to following year, they would have her arrested for attempting to poison them.

The judges were very impressed with Mace's Honey Bunches of Oats layer cake.

"The first layer is Honey Bunches of Oats with bananas, the second is Honey Bunches of Oats with strawberries, then blueberry, cranberry almond, peaches, and oatmeal raisin." Mace explained.

"Can I ask why you drew white cats all over the cake with icing?" Cherina asked.

"Those are my special kitties!" Mace then enlightened the judges with a three hour story about his cats.

"Lovely." Ellori muttered, "We need to move on."

The next dish was Obi-Wan's. He had made fortune cookies.

"Let's see what my fortune says." Cucabobba smiled, "It says, "You will help save a young padawan from his clinically insane master"."

"That's funny. So does mine." Ellori announced.

"Mine too. Hmm. I wonder when that will happen." Cherina said.

The judges moved no to Yoda's cake. They each took a bite and made a face.

"Is this cake filled with bacon?" Cucabobba asked.

"Yes." Yoda replied, "Made it with my Betty Crocker Bacon Fill I did."

"Don't you mean Betty Crocker Bake AND Fill?" Ellori wanted to know.

"What?" Yoda asked, "Who is Phil and what does he have to do with my cake?"

The judges rolled their eyes and moved on. They tried Yaddle's pasta surprise, Plo's martini pie, Adi's burnt sock stew. Finally they reached Shaak and Oppo.

"What is this?" Cherina questioned.

"A chocolate pizza." Shaak explained, "With a chocolate chip cookie crust, chocolate sauce, for the tomato sauce, white chocolate shavings, for the cheese, and macadamia nuts and chocolate chips as the toppings."

"It's richer than an Aldaraan senator." Oppo added.

The judges tried the chocolate pizza and fell in love with it! Oppo and Shaak won first place. Mace won second and Yoda won a ribbon for most unique recipe. It was the best potluck ever - if you overlooked Depa's corn pudding.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

**_Tune in next time for:_ **

**_Part 11:_ **

**_Road Trip_ **


	14. Part 11: The Road Trip

"Okay. I turned off the coffee maker, put timers on the lights, left a nasty message on the chamber door in case Qui-Gon stops by, made sure Mace's special kitties were doing okay at the pet hotel." Adi sighed, "I just know I'm forgetting something."

"it might be a good idea to extinguish that fire you started when you used the toaster this morning." Ki-Adi-Mundi reminded her.

"Oh yeah!" Adi snapped her fingers, "That's it!"

She ran into the kitchen and used a fire extinguisher to put out the fire she had started earlier when she put four strips of bacon in the toaster. (Don't ask, this is Adi after all).

"Glad I did that before we left." Adi said, "The whole temple probably would have burned down before we got back."

Poor Adi. So flustered about the trip. What trip? We didn't tell you? Sorry. The Council is heading to the other side of Courascant so Yaddle could compete in the ping pong championships.

"Ready to go I am." Yaddle announced, "Win I shall."

Adi, Ki-Adi-Mundi, and Yaddle went outside where they met up with the other council members. They were taking two speeders that could each seat six people. One speeder was red, the other was blue. Yareal had used his lightsaber to cut a hole in the roof of the blue speeder so his head could stick up through it. The drive was 18 hours long. There was no way Yareal could keep his neck bent for that long.

Ki-Adi-Mundi was going to drive the red speeder and Depa was going to drive the blue one. Depa, Yareal, and Shaak were in the front seats with Plo, Eeth, and Oppo in the back. In the other speeder, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Adi, and Yaddle were in the front with Yoda, Mace, and Mace's temporary apprentice, Obi-Wan, in the back.

Sheesh. My hand hurts! Too much writing!

"Remind me again why we agreed to let Depa drive?" Plo asked.

"She threatened to kill us in out sleep." Eeth replied.

"Oh. That's right." Plo said.

"Is everyone ready to go?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked as he buckled his seat belt.

"Yep." Adi answered.

The two speeders took off. Although she was a complete failure at everything else, Depa was a really good driver. The blue speeder glided down the road, Yareal's head sticking out of the roof.

"Adi, are you sure Moonbeam and the kittens are okay?" Mace asked for the hundredth time.

"The last time I called the hotel they were all eating caviar and getting massages." Adi told him.

"How much does that place cost?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"Forty thousand credits a day." Mace answered, "But nothing is too expensive for my special kitties."

"Obi-Wan?" Yoda spoke up, "Okay are you? Look a little green you do."

"So do you." Mace muttered.

"No. I'm fine." Obi-Wan said, "Please don't disown me or threaten to have me fixed!"

"Relax, kid." Mace said.

"Boy." Adi said, "Qui-Gon really messed you up."

(By the way, Sasee Tiin isn't going on this trip. He is still trying to get Aayla to hook up with Kit. We'll check on him in the next chapter.)

"Yareal's head looks so stupid sticking out of the roof." Yaddle giggled.

"Worry about that you should not!" Yoda scolded, "Focus on ping pong you should! If drag us all the way to the other side of the planet and then lose, rip off your ears I will!"

It was at that moment that Obi-Wan threw up all over Mace.

"Whoa!" Mace yelled, "Stop the speeder!"

Ki-Adi-Mundi pulled over. The blue speeder stopped behind them. Depa got out.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I'm sorry! I forgot to tell you I get motion sickness." Obi-Wan announced, "Please don't make me meditate for three days or polish all of the statues in the temple lobby!"

Depa and Adi's maternal instincts kicked in. The gorgeous 18-year-old that stood in front of them had never known a life outside of the strict rules of Qui-Gon. They both decided they needed to show Obi-Wan some compassion.

"Don't worry, sweetie." Depa said, "We'll clean you up."

Mace's mouth dropped open, "I'm the one who got puked on!"

"Then walk to that gas station and clean yourself up!" Adi ordered.

"I brought some car sickness pills." Depa said, "Let me go find them."

Mace stood there in shock.

"Come on Mace." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "I'll walk to the gas station with you."

A few minutes later, Ki-Adi-Mundi stood in the men's room at the gas station as Mace used a gigantic wad of paper towels to clean off his shirt.

"I've forgotten what it is like to have an apprentice." Mace said.

"Depa threw up on you?" Ki-Adi-Mundi questioned.

"She visited a lot of bars when she was younger." Mace replied, "If I had a dollar for every time I've had to drag her drunken butt home, I'd be a billionaire."

"Obi-Wan had Adi and Depa wrapped around his finger." Ki-Adi-Mundi announced.

"Why are women so attracted to cute things?" Mace demanded, "Like bunnies, and unicorns, and padawans, and..."

"Special kitties?" Ki-Adi-Mundi interrupted.

"That's different!" Mace objected.

"Is it? Would you still love Moonbeam if she were purple? Or bald?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"Of course I would!" Mace said.

"Oh. That's a good thing to know." Ki-Adi-Mundi muttered.

"What? Why is that a good thing to know?" Mace wanted to know.

"Well, in case any of that stuff ever happened." Ki-Adi-Mundi said quickly, "Yeah."

"Oh." Mace grinned, "But that could never happen."

"Of course not." Ki-Adi-Mundi agreed.

"I mean how could a cat turn purple?" Mace laughed.

"You'd be surprised." Ki-Adi-Mundi thought.

A few minutes later, Mace and Ki-Adi-Mundi returned to the speeders.

"Ready to go?" Yaddle asked, "If hurry we do not, late I will be!"

"Don't worry your squishy little head about it." Depa muttered, "Let's go."

The Jedi piled into the speeders.

* * *

Two hours later...

 

"The legs on the bantha go stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. The legs on the bantha go stomp, stomp, stomp all through the galaxy!" Shaak sang.

"How long have we been listening to this?" Eeth demanded.

"Too long!" Depa yelled.

"The tail on the bantha goes swish, swish, swish..."Shaak continued to sing.

"How about we sing a new song?" Depa suggested.

"Okay!" Shaak cheered.

"My lightsaber can go slice, slice, slice, burn, burn, burn, kill, kill, kill. My lightsaber can go slice, slice, slice so shut up!" Depa sang, evilly.

Shaak folded her arms, "You didn't have to be so blunt about it. If you had asked I would have stopped!"

The other Jedi all laughed.

Five seconds later...

"99 bottles of Jawa juice on the wall." Shaak sang.

"SHAAK!" Everyone yelled.

In the other vehicle...

"And that's why I've never owned a computer or Gameboy before." Obi-Wan explained, "Qui-Gon is convinced that they leak radiation."

"Man. He really was one marshmallow away from a bowl of Lucky Charms." Mace sighed.

"Well Obi-Wan, the next Wal-Mart we come to, I'll buy you a Gameboy." Adi said.

"That's okay. I'm content just chatting with you all." Obi-Wan said, "You are a lot cooler than everyone says. Most people think you're really stuck, crusty, and boring."

"What?" Yoda said, "They do?"

"Yeah." Obi-Wan replied.

"I can't imagine why they think that." Ki-Adi-Mundi shrugged.

* * *

An hour later the council stopped at a McDonald's for lunch. Mace insisted that they stop at the one with a huge kid's play place.

 

Once they had gotten their food, immaturity took over. Oppo was chasing Adi all over the restaurant with French fries stuck up his nose. Depa was complaining that she didn't get the toy she wanted in her Happy Meal. Mace and Yaddle were having a contest to see who could chug the most ketchup packets. And Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda were playing the games on Depa's Happy Meal box.

Once they were finished "eating" the all attacked the play place. Mace took off his boots and crawled into a green plastic tube. Shaak went straight to the ball pit. The others all found their way into the giant maze of colorful plastic tubes and crawled around. Yoda had reached the top of one tube and could no longer see where he was going. It was completely dark!

"Get out of here I must." Yoda said.

He crawled forward two more feet than felt himself falling.

"AAAH!" Yoda screamed as he sped down the dark, enclosed plastic slide.

Four terrifying seconds later, Yoda was thrown out of the slide and into the ball pit.

"Glad that is over I am." Yoda sighed.

He then noticed two horns were swimming towards him. Someone or something was buried beneath the balls! Once the horns were about a food away from Yoda, they popped up, revealing Shaak's grinning face.

"Boo!" She cried, "I scared you!"

"Did not." Yoda insisted.

"Did too." Shaak argued.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"You're stupid." Yoda snapped and exit the ball pit.

It didn't take the idiotic McDonald's employees too long to realize that all the Jedi were too old to be playing in the play place. So they got kicked out despite Mace's best efforts to use a mind trick on them.

"Gee." Obi-Wan said, "You guys really AREN'T serious at all."

The Jedi drove down the road. In the red speeder, Yaddle was meditating.

"Be one with the paddle. Become the paddle. Let the ball out of your sight you cannot!" She chanted, "Become one with the paddle!"

Suddenly her concentration was broken as her face became one with the dashboard. The speeder had come to a sudden stop.

"Ki-Adi-Mundi!" Yaddle scolded, "Capable of driving safely are you? Stop slamming on the brakes!"

"It's not my fault." Ki-Adi-Mundi replied, "It's a traffic jam."

"Great. Now we're gonna be late." Adi whined.

"Aw man." Mace groaned around a mouthful of Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut cereal bar.

"Uh guys..."Obi-Wan said.

"I hate traffic jams." Ki-Adi-Mundi muttered.

"Guys..."Obi-Wan tried to say again.

There was a pounding on the driver's side window. Everyone turned to see Eeth with his face smooshed up against the glass. Ki-Adi-Mundi rolled down the window.

"Looks like we're not going anywhere for a while." Eeth sighed.

"Yep." Adi replied as she stared at the endless line of cars in front of them.

"Guys!" Obi-Wan said more forcefully.

"Let's have a Huttese fire drill!" Yoda suggested.

Before Obi-Wan could object, the Jedi all hopped out of the speeder and started running around it. They all got back a few seconds later except they were all sitting in different seats.

"You all are crazy!" Obi-Wan muttered.

"Now we can play I Spy!" Said Adi, who was now seated in the driver's seat.

"I spy something green." Ki-Adi-Mundi started.

"Me?" Yoda asked.

"Yep." Ki-Adi -Mundi replied.

"Find that offensive I do." Yoda said, "Help being green I cannot!"

"Don't anyone even think about saying you see something black." Mace warned.

"Okay. I Spy is too controversial. Let's play something else." Adi said.

"Guys we..."Obi-Wan started.

"I can't think of anything to do!" Yaddle said.

"We're going to be stuck in this traffic ham all day with nothing to do!" Mace sighed.

"Bored already I am." Yoda said.

"GUYS!" Obi-Wan screamed, "We're Jedi! We can pick up this speeder with the Force and move it out of this traffic jam."

The masters stared at him.

"Of course!" Mace slapped himself on the forehead, "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

So the Jedi all picked up the speeders with the Force and then set them back down a few miles up the road, beyond the traffic jam.

"I think we've earned ourselves a milkshake." Mace cheered.

"At this rate we might as well walk to the contest." Obi-Wan muttered.

Yoda called Eeth's cellphone to inform the other speeder of their plan.

A few minutes later they came to a Dairy Queen. Plo was now driving the blue speeder because he wound up in the driver's seat after the fire drill. Ki-Adi-Mundi was still driving the red one because...well...would you really let any of those other people in that speeder drive?

Plo pulled up to the menu and ordered six chocolate shakes.

"Pull up to the next window." The personalityless employee said through the speaker.

Plo pulled up. Yareal then saw something that he had only seen in his worst nightmares! A sigh stuck to the concrete structure above the drive through window that said, "Clearance 8 feet".

Quickly he did the math. The speeder was 6 feet high; his neck was 26 inches long. The top two inches of Yareal's head were about to become acquainted with a brick of solid concrete.

"Stop!" Yareal yelled to Plo.

But it was too late.

KLUNK! Yareal's head slammed against the roof, knocking him unconscious.

"Oh dear!" Plo cried, "I forgot about Poof!"

"He's okay. Just unconscious." Oppo announced, "He'll probably have a killer headache when he wakes up but other than that he'll be fine."

"Can I have his milkshake?" Shaak asked.

Plo handed it to her.

About five minutes later the Jedi were cruising down the road enjoying their frozen dairy treats. Mace had tried one of Dairy Queen's new Honey Bunches of Oats Blizzards.

"Argh. My head." Yareal moaned as he regained consciousness.

"Oh!" Depa cried, pointing, "Lookie! A tunnel!"

"Honk the horn! Honk the horn!" Shaak said, slapping Plo's arm.

Plo rolled his eyes and honked the horn once the speeder was in the tunnel. Depa and Shaak giggled at the echo.

In the red speeder, Adi, Mace and Obi-Wan were sitting in the backseat. After such an exciting day, Obi-Wan was asleep, leaning against Adi.

"He's a good kid." Mace said.

"All kids are good kids." Adi replied.

"I never knew you liked kids." Mace said.

"I love kids. If I wasn't a Jedi, I'd be a stay at home mom." Adi said.

"And who would be the father?" Mace asked.

"Whoever could tolerate my insanity." Adi shrugged.

"I lived with Depa for ten years, Adi. To me, you are the sanest person in the universe." Mace said.

"I'll remember that the next time you call me stupid." Adi chuckled.

They both laughed.

The two speeders zoomed out of the tunnel.

"Look!" Yaddle cried, pointing, "On the other side of the planet we are!"

"It's about time." Mace muttered.

"Go to the hotel we will. Need to sleep we do. Begin tomorrow the tournament does." Yoda announced.

The two speeders parked outside of Holiday Inn Courascant and everyone hopped out, except for Yareal.

"Poof?" Eeth said, "Are you okay?"

Shaak climbed on top of the speeder to see if she could see Yareal's head. Instead she found the stump of Yareal's long neck. His head had been severed when they went through the tunnel!

Shaak sighed, "Oh well. He'll grow a new head."

The Jedi dragged Poof's body into the hotel and settled in for the night. Tomorrow would be a hectic day.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

 

**Tune in next time for**

**Part 12:**

**The Ping Pong Tournament**!

 


	15. Part 12: The Ping-Pong Tournament

Obi-Wan Kenobi sat in his hotel room, cross-legged on the bed, playing Tetris on the new Gameboy Advance Depa had bought him. He had been completely absorbed in the game for the last eight hours. The other Jedi were preparing to go to the arena where the ping-pong tournament would be held. Mace was currently in the bathroom, drying his hair.

Obi-Wan sighed. "Master, you've been in there for two hours and you don't even have hair! What's going on?"

"I'll be out in a second, Obi-Wan," Mace said, unable to tell his apprentice that he had knocked the sink off the wall and water was spewing everywhere.

"Just hurry up. We're leaving in an hour."

"Oh, I'll hurry," Mace said as he tried to block the jet of water with his robe.

There was a knock on the door. It was Chuck Norris. No. Just kidding. It was Depa.

"We're leaving now," she informed Obi-Wan. "We want to get good seats."

"I'm ready to go. Get Mace," Obi-Wan turned off his Gameboy and hopped up.

Depa went over to the bathroom door and knocked on it.

"Mace, we're leaving," Depa called.

"Okay," Mace shouted back.

He eyed the water spraying out of the wall and the sink lying on the floor. He shrugged.

"I'm a Jedi, not a plumber." He opened the bathroom door and exited, leaving the soggy mess behind.

Upon seeing him, Depa raised an eyebrow. "Why are you all wet?"

"Uh. I took a shower and forgot to take my clothes off," Mace replied.

"Oh…Okay," Depa did not want to pursue the matter further. "Well, let's go."

Mace, Depa, and Obi-Wan exited the room. In the parking lot, they met up with the rest of the Council. Yaddle was sitting cross-legged on the asphalt, mediating.

"What took so long?" Yareal asked. His head had regenerated after arriving at the hotel.

"Oh. Got up late," Mace replied, not wanting to tell everyone that his hotel room was turning into a goldfish's paradise with every passing minute.

"Oh. Whatever," Yareal seemed satisfied with the answer.

The Jedi piled into the van. Obi-Wan resumed his game of Tetris. Shaak started singing car songs.

"There was a guy who liked to whine and Qui-Gon was his name-o. QUI dash GON. QUI dash GON. QUI dash GON. QUI dash GON and Qui-Gon was his name-o!" She sang.

Thirty verses of Qui-Gon later…

The van arrived at the arena.

"Nervous I am," Yaddle sighed.

"I hate the number 34," Plo said, totally off topic.

"Don't be nervous," Adi said. "Just picture everyone in their underwear."

"How would that help?" Yaddle demanded. "Break my concentration that would."

They entered the arena through the back door. All the competitors were back there. A guy with fangs wandered up to Yaddle.

"If you beat me, I'll eat you," he threatened. "Little green punk."

"But cannibalism that is," Yaddle objected.

"Then I guess I'm a cannibal," the guy said before meandering off.

"Very nervous I am," Yaddle said and started pacing.

"Don't worry about him, Yaddle. I'm sure he's all talk," Shaak assured her.

"Good luck," Yoda said as he and the other members of the council went to join the audience.

Since the Jedi were running late, the tournament started not two seconds after their butts touched the seats.

* * *

_To be continued…_


	16. Part 12: The Ping Pong Tournament Part 2

The first show down was between a hutt and a Jawa. Needless to say, the Jawa won. Since the hutt had little stubby arms. So the Jawa would proceed to the next round. The next round was a Wookiee verses a Rodian. The Wookiee lost because he slipped on a random banana peel in the middle of the game. The Rodian would move on to the next round.

In the stands, the Jedi were all ready to cheer on Yaddle. Depa and Shaak had even made little banners with her name on them. They were all very excited. Obi-Wan just played his Gameboy. After about an hour of eliminations, Adi released she had to go to the restroom. So she did.

While in the ladies room, she heard two familiar voices.

"I'm telling you, just ask him!" One of them said.

"But I don't know if he likes me or not." The other replied.

"You'll never know if you don't ask him!" The first one retorted.

"Where have I heard those voices before?" Adi whispered to herself.

She stood up on the toilet and peeked over the stall door. Standing at the mirrors, primping, were two Twi'leks. A red one and a blue one. It was Na'sheemanah and Qecpfcne! Adi's hair and makeup stylists when she went undercover at the Miss Galaxy pageant! Adi exited the stall.

"Hey!" She greeted.

The two Twi-leks turned around. They both grinned from ear to ear.

"Noleta!" The both shrieked and threw their arms around Adi.

Adi winced, she hated to be touched. Who doesn't?

"Please, call me Adi." Adi said, as she shoved the two young girls off of her.

"What are you doing here?" Na'sheemanah asked.

"One of my friends is competing in the tournament. I came to support her." Adi replied, "Why are you two here?"

"Na'sheemanah here has a big crush on one of the competitors. So we came here from Corellia to watch him." Qecpfcne explained.

"You two came all the way to Courascant just to watch some stranger compete?" Adi asked.

"Yep." Na'sheemanah replied, proudly.

"We're stalkers." Qecpfcne added.

"Which player is it? I can get my friend to put in a good word for you." Adi suggested.

"He's tall. Dark hair. Dark eyes." Na'sheemanah got a dreamy look on her face.

"And fangs. Don't forget the fangs." Qecpfcne reminded her.

"He's got a slight overbite!" Na'sheemanah retorted.

Dark hair. Dark eyes. Fangs? Adi added all the details together. They gave a perfectly accurate profile of the man who had threatened Yaddle.

"I think I know who you're talking about." Adi said.

"You do?" Na'sheemanah grinned, "Isn't he just to die for?"

"Actually, I think he said he was a cannibal." Adi said.

Qecpfcne burst into hysterics, "Boy you sure can pick them, Na'sheemanah! First that pansy death stick salesman and now a cannibal!"

Na'sheemanah folded her arms, "I don't care. He's still hot. That's all that matters."

"I really should be getting back to my seat." Adi said, not wanting this discussion to go any further.

The three women exited the restroom. It was then that they ran smack into Mr. DarkHairDarkEyesAndFangs! Na'sheemanah squealed and started jumping up and down.

"Hi." She said.

"Hello." He replied.

"I'm Na'sheemanah Pye." Na'sheemanah introduced herself.

"Cliegg Lars." The man replied, "Pleased to meet you."

Yes, it is the same Cliegg Lars from Episode II. You see Shmi Skywalker didn't really get kidnapped by Tuskan Raiders. Cliegg tried to eat her! The sandpeople saved her! But Cliegg had wounded her so badly that she died anyway. And then Cliegg got so mad that he chewed his own leg off!

"Oh the pleasure is all mine." Na'sheemanah smiled.

Qecpfcne and Adi rolled their eyes.

Cliegg started checking Na'sheemanah out, "You're adorable. I could just eat you up." Then under his breath he added, "Literally."

"Thank you." Na'sheemanah blushed.

"This has all been very stimulating, but we need to get back to our seats." Qecpfcne grabbed Na'sheemanah by the arm and started dragging her away.

"Bye! I'll be cheering for you!" Na'sheemanah called.

Once the two Twi'leks were gone, Cliegg glared at Adi.

"What are you looking at my little caramel delight?" He demanded.

"Oh nothing." Adi stammered, having never been referred to as a caramel anything in her entire life.

She scurried off to her seat.

"It's about time you got back!" Mace shouted, "Yaddle is up."

"Against that guy who threatened to eat her if she beat him!" Plo added.

"Oh dear." Adi fretted.

Yaddle stood in the middle of the arena. The spotlight shined down on her dramatically. Standing beside her was Cliegg. He pulled a salt shaker out of his robe and started sprinkling salt on Yaddle.

"What are you doing?" Yaddle wanted to know.

"Oh nothing." Cliegg said, licking his lips.

Adi shifted in her seat.

"Something wrong, Adi?" Depa asked.

"He's going to eat her." Adi told her.

The Jedi all laughed.

"It's true! I ran into him and he called me a caramel delight!" Adi defended herself.

The Jedi were in hysterics.

"Guys!" Adi yelled, "If Yaddle beats him, he will eat her! We have to do whatever we can to keep her from winning!"

Yoda stared at Adi, "Serious about this, aren't you?"

"Yes!" Adi nodded.

Yoda thoughtfully rubbed his chin. He himself could sense something strange about Cliegg. He heard the whistle go off, meaning the show down was starting.

"Hurry. Prevent Yaddle from winning we must." Yoda said.

And with that, the Jedi masters all started walking down towards the stage. Obi-Wan stayed behind and played his Gameboy.

Suddenly Obi-Wan sensed something. A feeling of impending doom. He shrugged and kept playing Tetris.

Now standing right beside the stage, the Jedi masters tried to decide what they should do.

"I've got it!" Oppo shouted. He pulled a banana out of his robe, unpeeled it, and then threw the peel up onto the stage.

Yaddle easy dodged the peel and hit the ping pong ball back over the table to her opponent.

"Well I've done all I can do." Oppo looked defeated and sat down on the floor.

* * *

Oh but the Jedi have to stop Yaddle from winning! Can they stop her? Or will Cliegg eat her? Why did Obi-Wan get a feeling of impending doom? Is Mace's broken sink still flooding this hotel? All of this and more will be revealed in Part 12 Part 3!


	17. Part 12: The Ping Pong Tournament Part 3

Yaddle was puzzled when Oppo threw the banana peel. It seemed to her that the others were trying to tell her something. She looked to the ping pong referee and motioned for a time out.

"Time out!" The referee called.

Cliegg grunted angrily. He wanted this match to end. He was getting hungry.

Yaddle hurried over to her friends.

"A problem do you have?" She asked.

"That guy is gonna eat you if you beat him!" Mace warned.

Yaddle gave him a blank stare.

"Do you all really think that I am going to lose this tournament on purpose just because there is a slight chance that my opponent is a cannibal?" Yaddle questioned.

"Slight chance?" Shaak repeated, "Look at him!"

Cliegg was sitting on a bench eating out of a bag that said, "Hannibal's Diner. Our secret ingredient: PEOPLE!"

"Oh please." Yaddle rolled her eyes, "That probably just means that Hannibal's Diner has friendly and hard working employees."

"Yaddle please! We don't want you to wind up getting eaten." Depa begged.

"No! I refuse to lose! Trained for months I have! Blow it now, I will not!" Yaddle signaled to the referee that she was ready to start again.

The other Jedi returned to their seats, defeated. Obi-Wan had stopped playing his Gameboy and was looking around like an alert hamster. (Hamsters are cute. So is Obi-Wan.)

"Is something wrong Obi-Wan?" Plo asked.

"Afraid of Yaddle getting eaten are you?" Yoda wanted to know.

"No. Yaddle can take care of herself. I just have this feeling of impending doom." Obi-Wan explained.

"I get that same feeling everyday when Shaak walks into the council chamber." Oppo said.

"Yeah. It's probably nothing." Obi-Wan sighed and resumed playing his Gameboy.

The Jedi watched as Yaddle performed somersaults and cartwheels and other acrobatics to keep the tiny plastic ball moving. Cliegg was getting angrier by the second. Mace looked at the score board. It was a tie.

"This last point will determine the winner." Mace told the others.

Cliegg served the ball at Yaddle. Due to his building rage, he was able to hit it extremely hard. Yaddle dove for the ball and her paddle touched it. However the ball was moving too fast. It burned a hole right in the middle of the paddle. Then it landed on the wooden floor with enough impact to make a crater! Yaddle had lost. The other Jedi breathed a sigh of relief.

The two competitors shook hands.

"Great match." Yaddle smiled.

"I'll get you next time my little lime sherbet." Cliegg sneered.

He then started preparing for the next victim...er...opponent. Yaddle joined the other Jedi.

"Great job Yaddle!" Adi cried.

"Lost I did. But I gave it my best." Yaddle said.

"I'm just glad we don't have to worry about anyone getting eaten!" Ki-Adi-Mundi said.

"Me too." The others agreed.

"Let's get back to the hotel and throw party in honor of Yaddle!" Shaak suggested.

The Jedi turned to go out to the van. When suddenly the intercom announced the start of the next match.

"Match number thirty. Winner Cliegg Lars verses challenger Qui-Gon Jinn!" The announcer announced announcefully.

The Jedi froze in their tracks.

"So that's why I had a feeling of impending doom!" Obi-Wan said, "Qui-Gon is here!"

"What if he wins and gets eaten by that Lars guy?" Yoda asked.

They all stood there for a moment in complete silence.

"Who cares?" Mace muttered.

"I don't." Obi-Wan said.

"Me neither." Shaak added.

"Makes no difference to me." Depa shrugged.

"I'd like for him to get eaten." Plo said.

"Okay. Then let's just go." Mace said.

So they did. They entered to hotel lobby only to find it FULL of water! The fancy chairs were floating, the receptionist standing behind the desk was wearing a snorkel and flippers, and a couple of exotic fish had taken up residency there.

"How in the galaxy did this happen?" Depa wondered aloud.

"Uh...um...can't imagine." Mace answered, not wanting to tell the others about his broken sink.

"We aren't going to let this keep us from having a party!" Shaak shouted, "We'll just have to make it a POOL PARTY!"

And with that, the group all jumped into the water. A bunch of beach balls, rafts, and inflatable animals appeared out of nowhere. The Jedi swam around and laughed and had a great time in the flooded hotel.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

...But how did that last ping pong game turn out?

* * *

"Mr. Lars, you just need to accept that I am a better ping pong player that you are!" Qui-Gon Jinn snapped.

He and Na'Sheemanah were tied to chairs in Cliegg's basement. Yes, Qui-Gon had defeated Cliegg. And now Cliegg was planning on making Qui-Gon the main course and Na'Sheemanah dessert! How terrible! (But what happened to Qecpfcne, you may wonder. Don't worry; she was smart enough to not get tied to a chair and is probably out flirting at the local bar.)

"Shut up!" Cliegg snorted, "I'm gonna eat both of you and there is nothing you can do about it!"

Na'Sheemanah suddenly got an idea.

"Can I just take out my mirror for a minute? I want to be an appetizing dessert." She said.

Cliegg sighed, "Whatever."

He untied her hands. Na'Sheemanah reached into her pocket and pulled out her handy dandy superdy duperdy travel hairspray! She then proceeded to spray it in Cliegg's eyes! Cliegg screamed as the hairspray burned his retinas! Oh my! Na'sheemanah got up and freed Qui-Gon. She grabbed him by the wrist and ran away.

"I don't know how I can ever repay you, ma'am!" Qui-Gon said.

Na'sheemanah looked at him, "I can think of a few ways, cutie."

The two of them ran off to find a cop to arrest Cliegg.

Oh my! Skanky Twi-lek!

* * *

**THE END FOR REAL!**

* * *

Tune in next week for

**Part 13:**

**Jedi Idol**


	18. PART 13: Jedi Idol

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen!" Said Plo, the host for tonight's festivities. That's right! It's that wonderful time again! Time for the Jedi Idol singing competition! Woot!

"We've got some great stuff prepared for you!" Plo announced, "Not for him but for you!"

What did that mean? Oh well.

"Now it's time to meet our judges! Mace Windu!" Plo introduced.

"Yo!" Said Mace, "We've got some hot ones out there tonight!"

"Oh God." Plo muttered, "And our next judge Depa Billaba."

Depa smiled politely and clapped her hands.

"And Yoda!" Plo said.

Some people applauded for Yoda. Some people booed. Yoda is known for his brutal honesty.

"And now let us begin Jedi Idol!" Plo said.

The audience clapped.

"First up tonight is...Shaak Ti!" Plo introduced.

The audience went wild as does Plo. Plo was like a hyper active squirrel. Shaak took the stage carrying an umbrella.

"Hi - Hi! I'm Shaak Ti - Ah-huh - And have we got news for you - You better listen! Get ready, all you lonely girls and leave those umbrellas at home." Shaak threw the umbrella across the stage and hit Plo in the crotch, "- Alright!" Shaak sang, "Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low! According to all sources, the street's the place to go! Cause tonight for the first time, Just about half-past ten, For the first time in history, It's gonna start raining men!" Shaak shouted. She started dancing Sister Act style, clapping and swaying, "It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get, Absolutely soaking wet! It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! It's Raining Men! Every Specimen! Tall, blonde, dark and lean Rough and tough and strong and mean! It's Raining Men! Ame-nnnn!"

Shaak froze with her left arm reaching upward as if about to pluck that perfect man from the sky!

The audience went wild! They love Shaak! But let's see what the judges have to say!

"Yo!" Said Mace, "Shaak. You know I love you! We've been part of the dog pound since you first started this competition! We got a hot one!" (Hey, he's our Randy!)

The audience went absolutely CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs! Sorry. Mace's cereal obsession is rubbing off on the writers!

"Thank you!" Shaak said, sweetly.

"Shaak you look absolutely adorable. The people love you, you did a great job." Depa smiled.

The audience went so insane that the men in white coats came and took them all away! Bye-bye audience!

"Thank you!" Shaak said, sweeterly.

"Well. Deaf you all must be. Horrible that was." Yoda said.

The few remaining audience members who managed to escape the men in white coats, booed loudly!

"What?" Depa said, angrily, "Did you just not like it because it said tall, dark, and lean, not short fat and green?"

"Just being honest I am. Pitch problems she had." Yoda said.

"She did not!" Depa snapped, "You're the one who has got problems!"

The audience chuckles.

"Well. That's our judges. Think what you will of them." Plo said, walking over to Shaak, "You look terrific tonight."

"Thank you." Shaak said, sweetestly.

"Coming up next we've got Obi-Wan Kenobi with some George Harrison for us!" Plo announced, "But first a commercial break."

The commercial says, "Watch Cooking With Legolas! Tonight at 5, 6, 7, 7:04, 7:15, 7:16, 7:30, 7:45, 7:50 8, 9, and 11! Watch it or die! Oh yeah it's on at 3:12 too! And 4:49!"

Back to the show!

"Ladies and gentlemen, Obi-Wan Kenobi!" Plo introduced.

Obi-Wan comes out on the stage. In a tux. Lookin' hot. Oh my.

"Something in the way she moves. Attracts me like no other lover." Obi-Wan gave the audience his best puppy face, the women all sighed, "Something in the way she woos me." The women in the audience cheer at the idea of wooing Obi-Wan, "I don't want to leave her now, you know I believe and how. You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know! You stick around now, it may show, I don't know, I don't know! Something in the way she knows, And all I have to do is think of her. Something in the things she shows me. I don't wanna leave her now. You know I believe and how!" Obi-Wan finishes by giving the audience an adorable pouty little face. AWWW!

The girls in the audience have all fainted. As have the gay guys. The straight guys look bored. Yep. But let's see what the judges say.

"Yo!" Says Mace, "The best performance in this competition ever! We got a hot one here tonight!"

Depa cannot comment seeing as how she has fainted. But Mace woke her up by sticking his boot in her face.

"Eew! I smell death!" Depa shouted, "Oh! Obi-Wan. Sweet Obi-Wan. Beautiful Obi-Wan. This competition has made you a sex symbol! You ARE this competition! I wanna have your babies!"

Meanwhile offstage Qui-Gon has a coronary!

"Well. I am going to have to disagree with Mace and Adi. Terrible performance that was. Turning over in his grave George Harrison is!" Yoda said.

"Ha!" Depa shouted, sticking her finger in Yoda's face, "Goes to show you what you know! George Harrison was cremated and his ashes were sprinkled in the Ganges! HA! Loser!"

The audience was thrilled by Depa's comeback. Yes they have regained consciousness.

"Okay. Then turning over in the Ganges George Harrison's ashes are. Butchered his song you did." Yoda commented.

"Okay." Obi-Wan said sadly.

"Well." Plo said as he scurried back onstage, "Just remember it's up to the voters whether or not you make it through!"

With their applause the audience assured Obi-Wan that he would make it through. Yippee.

"That was such a great performance we're gonna skip the commercial break! Here's Qui-Gon Jinn!" Plo said.

A man hurried onto the stage and whispered something in Plo's ear.

"Oh. We're sorry to inform you that Qui-Gon just had a heart attack and has been rushed to the Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center." Plo told the audience.

The audience didn't seem to care. Who cares about Qui-Gon anyway?"

"So here is Yareal Poof!" Plo introduced.

The audience applauded politely.

"Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea. And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee!" Yareal sang, "Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff,  
and brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Oh! Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail. Jackie kept a lookout perched on Puff's gigantic tail, Noble kings and princes would bow whene'er they came! Pirate ships would lower their flag when Puff roared out his name! Oh Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea. And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee! Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff, and brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Oh Puff the Magic Draaaagooonnnn!" Yarael sang!

The audience was utterly confused by Poof's performance of Puff. But the hippies in the audience thought it rocked!

"Yo. That was a'ight for me. Little bit pitchy. Little bit pointless. I just don't think it was the song for you. It was just a'ight for me." Mace said.

"Okay." Yareal shrugged.

"It was great. You've become a sex symbol. You look stunning tonight. Marry me!" Depa is high!

"Oh my God. Where do I begin?" Yoda said, " Suck you do! Get off the stage!"

"Whatever." Yareal said. And he meandered off.

Plo runs out onstage, "And now Saesee Tiin!"

The audience was indifferent about him.

"Sunny day! Sweeping the-clouds away! On my way to where the air is sweet! Can you tell me how to get how to get to Sesame Street!" Saesee sang, bobbing head around like an ostrich on crack.

"What a minute!" Yoda jumped out of his seat, " Ridiculous this is! Give us a serious competitor Plo! Or kill you I will!"

"Okay." Plo said, "Um...here is um...Adi Gallia!"

Adi was not prepared to go out onstage yet and she still had curlers in her hair.

"Clock strikes upon the hour and the sun begins to fade. Still enough time to figure out how to chase my blues away. I've done alright up till now, it's the light of day that shows me how. And when the night falls loneliness calls! Oh I wanna dance with somebody! I wanna feel the heat with somebody! Yeah I wanna dance with somebody! With somebody who loves me! Oh I wanna dance with somebody! I wanna feel the heat with somebody! Yeah I wanna dance with somebody! With somebody who loves me!" Adi sang as she danced around the stage like a moron in her curlers.

The audience went WILD! WILD 12! They love Adi!

"Yo! We got a hot one!" Mace said, " A very hot one! A hot, hot, hot one! Why she's so hot she makes Mustafar look like..."

"Get it we do Mace. Infatuated with Adi you are!" Yoda shouted.

The audience burst into hysterics! Who wouldn't?

"Adi. You're great. You know you're great. We know you know you're great. The galaxy knows you know we know you're great. The lawnmowing purple peacocks with gravy know that the galaxy knows that you know that we know...¦" Depa started.

"Get it we do! Great she is!" Yoda is in a bad mood. He needs to go play hockey or something to get his grumpy out!

"Adi you did okay. Just okay. Just get this over with!" Yoda screamed.

"Uh." Plo hurried onto the stage, " Here is Oppo Ransis!"

Oppo gave a mediocre performance of Lookin' For Love. Followed by Evien's laughable performance of Do Your Ears Hang Low. Followed by the only performance Yoda enjoyed all evening, Yaddle with Somewhere Over The Rainbow! Now at last it is time for the final performance, Eeth Koth.

"I'd like to dedicate this song to my homedawg Mace Windu!" Eeth said, " Milk and Cereal! Milk and Cereal! Milk and Cereal! Cereal and Milk! Milk and Cer..."

"WHAT! WHAT is WRONG with you people! Hear you sing about cereal I do not want to." Yoda yelled.

"Well I do, so you just shut your little green pie hole." Mace snorted.

Mace and Yoda duked it out and both had to be sent to the Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center. Too sad.

"Well. Uh...that's all for this week." Plo said. Cast your votes. And um...we'll see who makes it. Yeah. Bye."

* * *

Tune in Next Week. For the Next Round of Jedi Idol. Special thanks to the writers of Cooking With Legolas.


	19. Jedi Idol Part 2

"Welcome back to Jedi Idol!" Plo shouted.

The audience cheered like nobody's business.

"Tonight is the night where we pick our top five contestants!" Plo announced.

The audience is insane with cheering!

"And don't forget our judges, Mace, Depa, and Yoda." Plo paused, "Hey! All of our judges have only four letters in their names. Isn't that wonderful!"

The audience just sat there.

"Now we haven't a moment to lose." Plo said, "So let's announce the finalists! But first a commercial."

The audience booed.

* * *

The commercial said...

"I want waffles for dinner!" Some brat shouted.

"I want pancakes!" Another brat yelled.

"Kids you can have them both!" Their mom said, "With Stouffer's new Waffle and Pancake Casserole! Just three hours in the oven and you have a delicious and nutritious meal! Mmm! Waffles and Pancakes soaked in a syrup sauce and baked into a biscuit crust. It turns my mouth into a faucet just thinking about it!"

"Thanks mom!" The brats cheered.

"This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!" One brat said.

"Me too!" The other brat agreed.

The announcer said, "New casseroles from Stouffer's! Waffle and Pancake, Dog food and Lemon Chicken, Mayonnaise and Flamingo Tongue, and Tires with Ranch dressing! Buy them today in grocery stores everywhere!"

* * *

A few people in the audience rushed outside to throw up. Nasty casseroles! Eew.

"Okay then." Plo said, uncertainly, "Back to the eliminations! Now I'm going to separate you contestants into two groups. One is the group that will move on to the next round. And the other won't. Because they suck. Okay. Shaak!"

"Hi, Plo." Shaak batted her eyelashes.

"Last night you sang It's Raining Men. And the judges loved it, except for Yoda." Plo said, "Shaak will you go stand on the far left side of the stage?"

"Why? Do I smell bad?" Shaak asked.

The audience rolled their eyes.

"No. Just do it." Plo told her.

Shaak made her way across the stage. Plo moved on to Yareal Poof.

"Okay Yareal." Plo said.

"Hello." Poof replied.

"You sang Puff The Magic Dragon." Plo read off of a card, "And the judges thought it was dumb. Would you go join Shaak on the far side of the stage."

Poof rose and walked across the stage.

"Saesee Tiin." Plo said to his next victim, "You sang" snicker "the theme from Sesame Street."

"Sure did." Saesee replied.

"Right." Plo nodded, "Would you go stand on the far right side of the stage, please."

Saesee walked to the side of the stage.

"Adi!" Plo moved on, "You sang I Wanna Dance With Somebody. Mace and Depa loved it but as usual Yoda hated it. Would you go join Shaak and Yareal."

Adi made her way across the stage.

"Oppo you sang Lookin' For Love. The judges thought it was okay. But Yoda hated it. Big surprise. Would you join Saesee please." Plo told him.

Oppo joined Saesee.

"Evien you sang Do Your Ears Hang Low." Plo said, "The judges couldn't say anything because they were too busy laughing. Go join Oppo and Saesee."

Evien did so.

"And Yaddle." Plo said, "You sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow. And you wowed Yoda! You were the only performance Yoda liked. You should feel very proud of that. Would you please join Saesee, Oppo, and Evien."

Yaddle waddled across the stage. That was fun to type. Yaddle waddled.

"And last but not least Obi-Wan!" Plo said.

Girls cheered insanely, screaming like their hair was on fire!

"Obi-Wan you sang Something." Plo announced, "And all of judges, except Yoda, loved it. And you are going to join a group...after these commercials!"

The audience booed and hurled produce at Plo.

* * *

The commercial said...

"It started out as a simple slumber party..." A voice over announced, "But it ended tragically."

The commercial showed a group of girls playing Monopoly in a basement.

It then faded into a shot of one girl running out of a room and shouting, "There is a possessed chair in there!"

"This Septober, expect terror beyond your wildest imagination!" The voice over continued.

The commercial showed a girl falling off of a staircase, another girl getting knocked over, and yet another girl getting grabbed by the arms of a chair!

The commercial then showed the movie's title and the announcer read it for the illiterate folks watching, "Gweds and the Phantom Chairs¹ in theaters Septober 2056! Rated VD for Very Dumb."¹

* * *

Back to the show...

The audience looked down at their chairs rather nervously.

"Okay. Obi-Wan!" Plo shouted, "Go and join Shaak, Yareal, Eeth, and Adi!"

The audience cheered like a bunch of maniacs.

"Now let's ask the judges which group they think is moving on." Plo suggested.

"Let's don't!" Someone in the audience yelled.

"Why don't you just read the stinking results!" Another person shouted.

"Okay...Sorry people I have to kill time." Plo said.

"I think Shaak's group is moving on." Mace said, "They've got some hot ones! Last night they rocked the house! Oh yeah!"

"I think the same thing." Depa said.

"Copy cat." Mace muttered.

"Obi-Wan was just so adorable last night there is no way he is going home this soon." Depa said.

The girls in the audience screamed in agreement.

"And Yoda what do you think?" Plo asked.

"Force willing, they ALL will go home!" Yoda said, "Except Yaddle. She was terrific."

Plo said, "Well that's what the judges think. We'll find out the real results..."

"If you say "after these messages" I am going to beat your face in!" An audience member threatened.

"Okay..." Plo stammered, "After a word from our sponsors."

An angry mob rushed onstage and started attacking Plo.

* * *

The commercial said...

 

"Are you tired of that boring toaster?" The commercial asked...

...This is ridiculous! Let's just let Plo read the results.

* * *

We returned to the show to find Plo all beat up. His arm in a sling, a black eye, the works.

 

"And the group that is moving on is..." Plo opened an envelope, "Shaak, Adi, Yareal, Eeth, and Obi-Wan!"

The audience went insane with applause! The losing group wandered offstage, to go get drunk.

"WHAT!" Yoda screamed, "How did Yaddle get cut! How! How!"

Two security guards had to carry Yoda away.

"But I had the voting fixed! Yaddle has to move on!" Yoda yelled.

He was hauled away.

"So standing up here with me is your next Jedi Idol!" Plo cheered, "But who will it be! Tune in Wednesday to see them perform and cast your votes!"

"WAIT!" A voice offstage cried.

Everyone turned to look. It was...SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY!

...No it wasn't. It was Qui-Gon!

"I am out of the hospital and I want back in the competition!" Qui-Gon demanded.

"Oh crap." Plo muttered, "Okay. So these six will be performing on Wednesday²! Tune in! Be there or be..." Plo made a square with his fingers, "BOX!"

The audience rolled their eyes.

* * *

**THE END for now!**

¹Sadly, this is a real movie we made a few years ago. It's….interesting.

²Or Tuesday, Thursday, or Friday.

 


	20. Jedi Idol: Part 3!

"Hey all!" Plo said, "Welcome back to Jedi Idol! Tonight our remaining contestants…and Qui-Gon…will sing once again and try to get your votes! And let's all give a warm welcome to our judges! Mace Windu!"

"YO!" Mace shouted, "Who's gonna be in da dawg pound tonight!"

Plo rolled his eyes, "Depa Billaba!"

Depa clapped and smiled.

"And Yoda!" Plo introduced.

The audience booed.

"Hey Yoda I heard that you signed a contract with Just For Men!" Plo said.

"Yes. I did. Need money I do. Pay me well this competition does not." Yoda replied.

"Well it doesn't look like the product is working very well!" Plo said.

The audience laughed. Mindless drones.

"Okay, first up tonight is Eeth Koth! Let's look at the video screen and see what he had to say about making it this far in the competition!" Plo turned to the video screen.

Eeth appeared on the screen and sappy piano music was playing.

Eeth said, "I have been singing since I was two months old. I love to sing. I love to dance. This competition has been a dream come true for me. And just last week, my grandma passed away. So now I'm trying to win this competition for her. I love you Gram Gram!"

The audience started crying as Eeth looked at them with pathetic eyes. Mindless drones.

Eeth walked out onstage, "Old Godzilla was hopping around Tokyo City like a big playground. When suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade! Godzilla got pissed and began to attack but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu when Aaron Carter came out of the blue and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal then they both got flattened by the Batmobile but before it could make it back to the Batcave, Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave and took an AK47 out from under his hat and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat but he ran out of bullets and he ran away because Optimus Prime came to save the day!"

Depa was on her feet dancing as was the audience. Mindless drones.

Eeth continued with the chorus, "This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see! And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be! This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny!" Then Eeth skipped a verse to get to the best part, "Angels sang out in immaculate chorus down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris who deliver a kick which could shatter bones into the crotch of Indiana Jones who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne but Chuck saw through his clever disguise and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs!" Eeth skipped another verse because hey, it's a long song and he has a time limit, "and the fight raged on for a century many lives were claimed, but eventually the champion stood, the rest saw their better: Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater! This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see! And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be! This is the Ultimate Showdown…this is the Ultimate Showdown…this is the Ultimate Showdown…of Ultimate Destiny!"

The audience exploded into applause! Depa cheered! People were tap dancing the isles! Plo scurried back out on the stage.

"That was nice Eeth!" Plo said, "Let's see what the judges thought."

"Man!" Mace said, "Yo! What a great way to kick off the show tonight! We got a hot one right here!"

The audience cheered. Wow.

"Eeth! The people love you! I love you! You did a wonderful job!" Depa was told by the show's producers to make her judgments a little less graphic.

The audience cheered of course.

"You all know what I am going to say. So I won't say it." Yoda snorted.

The audience breathed a sigh of relief.

"Great job Eeth!" Plo said.

Eeth walked offstage.

"Next up, Adi Gallia!" Plo announced.

Adi appeared on the video screen, "I never really knew I could sing until I landed the lead role in my high school's production of Grease. Then people started telling me that I was a great singer. And I believed them. So here I am."

Adi walked out onstage and started dancing rather…uh…suggestively, "I made it through the wilderness! Somehow I made it through! Didn't know how lost I was, until I found you! I was beat incomplete! I'd been had, I was sad and blue! But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel shiny and new! Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Like a virgin! When your heart beats, next to mine! You're so fine and you're mine! Make me strong, yeah you make me bold! Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out what was scared and cold! Like a virgin, ooh, ooh! Like a virgin! Feels so good inside! When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me!"

Adi finished and the audience applauded but one could not hear their clapping over Mace's loud cheering…

"Yo! That was the hottest performance this contest has ever seen! Man! I am sweating!" Mace started fanning himself.

"We didn't need to know that." Yoda muttered.

"Adi you look stunning. I don't think that was your best performance. I think you sang it just to um…impress Mace. But it was still a very good performance." Depa commented.

"Terrible it was." Yoda mumbled, "And not family friendly. No!"

Plo rushed out onstage, "And now…Qui-Gon Jinn."

Qui-Gon appeared on the screen, the audience hurled things at his picture.

"I am Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn." Qui-Gon said in the video, "And I am here just to prove that this competition is inappropriate and very un-Jedi-like! And if I win this competition I will shut it down forever! So vote for me! A vote for Qui-Gon is a vote for scruples!"

Qui-Gon took the stage, "I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you!" Qui-Gon blew the audience a kiss. The audience members ducked for cover, "Won't you say you love me too!"

…

And that was it.

"Man? What the crap was that?" Mace asked, "Scruples? Is that like an STD?"

"No sir. It means "having high morals or ethics" ." Qui-Gon replied.

"Don't sound like it means nothing ethical." Mace muttered.

"Well. You sang." Depa said, "Yep. That's about it."

"I don't want to waste any breath commenting on that performance." Yoda said.

Plo ran back onstage; he was running out of breath because he had been running back and forth so much, "And now, "Yareal Poof!"

Yareal appeared on the screen and delivered this inspiring message, "When I was born, the doctors said I would never be able to speak. So at that time singing was out of the question. But then one day, my mom tried to feed me carrots and I hated carrots so somehow I forced myself to yell, "NOOOO!" and I've been talking ever since. And then when I was three I started singing and competing in beauty pageants. I know what you're thinking, but they have pageants for guys too! And that really boosted my confidence and that confidence got me here today."

"Why do I get the feeling that some of these speeches are entirely made up?" Plo asked himself.

Yareal walked out on the stage, "You Are My Sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away! You told me once, dear, you really loved me. And no one else could come between. But now you've left me and love another. You have shattered all my dreams! You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. OH PLEASE! Don't take my SUNSHINE AWAY!"

The audience sat there, wide eyed. After being stunned for a few minutes, Mace spoke.

"Man. That was…nice. It was a little pitchy but I enjoyed it." Mace said.

Depa was bawling, "So beautiful! So beautiful! You are what this competition is all about! You ARE this competition! You inspire me so much!"

"You inspire me to hang myself." Yoda grumbled.

Plo wandered back out on the stage, "And now Shaak Ti!"

Shaak appeared on the screen, "I never imagined I would make it this far in this competition. My family was always putting me down and telling me I couldn't do anything right. My mother died when I was five, she was run over by a bantha. And then my dad started drinking and walking the streets naked. So he was in jail for most of my childhood. So my grandma raised me. And I'm in this competition for her. I love you Gram Gram!"

"Wait a minute! We've already heard the Gram Gram line!" Yoda shouted.

"It was a total coincidence." Shaak said from offstage, "Eeth and I both were raised by our grandmothers and we both called our grandmothers Gram Gram."

…

…Are Eeth and Shaak long lost relatives? Tune in next week and watch the E! True Hollywood Story of The Jedi Council!

What an unannounced commercial break. Back to the show! Shaak took center stage!

"First I was afraid! I was petrified! Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side! But I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong! I grew strong! I learned how to carry on! And so you're back from outer space! I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face! I should have changed my stupid lock! I should have made you leave your key! If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me! Go on now go walk out the door! Just turn around now! 'Cause you're not welcome anymore! Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye! You think I'd crumble! You think I'd lay down and die! Oh no, not I! I will survive! As long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive! I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give and I'll survive! I will survive! I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you! And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free! Now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me!" Shaak sang.

The audience went crazy!

"Yo!" Mace said, "We got a hot one here tonight!"

"That was the best performance of the night!" Depa agreed, "You go girl!"

"What?" Yoda said, "Surrounded by idiots I am."

Plo hurried onstage, "And last but not least by any means, Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

The girls in the audience went C-R-A-Z-Y!

Obi-Wan appeared on the screen, "I tried out for this competition so I could get away from my master, Qui-Gon Jinn. He pesters me and treats me bad. If I win this competition I will file a restraining order against him. And I will donate a lot of money to help starving children."

"Aww." The audience said.

Obi-Wan took the stage; no one could have predicted what was going to happen next…

…

…

…Obi-Wan started singing, "I'm Too Sexy! I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love! Love's going to leave me! I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt!" Obi-Wan tore off his shirt, "So sexy it hurts! And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan! And I'm too sexy for your party! Too sexy for your party! No way I'm disco dancing! I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car! Too sexy by far! And I'm too sexy for my hat! Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that!" Obi-Wan took his hat off, "Cos I'm a model you know what I mean! And I do my little turn on the catwalk! Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah! I shake my little touche on the catwalk!" And Obi-Wan did just that, "And I'm too sexy for this song!"

The audience could not applaud because all of the girls had fainted and all of the guys had gone to go work out because the performance made them feel self-conscience.

"Yo!" Mace said, "That was hot! Those girls love you! You rock!"

Depa has fainted and not even Mace's boot can revive her this time.

"That was so disturbing!" Yoda said.

Plo took the stage, "Okay! That's our show for tonight so please vote for your favorite contestant!"

Someone rushed onstage and handed Plo a note.

Plo read it, "Oh no! I regret to inform you that Qui-Gon Jinn will not be present for the eliminations. He slipped into a coma during the last performance and has been rushed back to the (drum roll, please!) Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center. Oh what a pity." Plo wadded up the note, "Oh well! Vote for your favorite contestant! This is Koon out!"


	21. The Jedi Council Behind the Scenes Part 16: Jedi Idol Episode 4

Plo Koon stood on the stage looking extremely hyper. He looked like that little squirrel in Ice Age that runs around with the acorn. His eyes were bulging and he had a cheesy grin on his face. Wow.

"Good evening everyone! Welcome to the second eliminations of Jedi Idol!" Plo said.

The audience applauded. Big surprise.

"We haven't a moment to lose! So let's get started." Plo paused, "After these commercials!"

The audience booed as did Depa and Mace. Yoda was asleep.

Commercial time!

A man with rock solid abs stood there.

"Hi! I'm Norton Bench! Try the new Ab Lounge if you want to look like me!" Norton shouted.

"Or if you want to keep your gender, you can look like me! Norma Bench!" Norton's muscular wife, Norma said.

"With the Ab Lounge you can look like either one of us!" Norton said, "The Ab Lounge works for men and women! And Wookiees! And even the occasional Hutt, but results are not typical for them."

"Order the Ab Lounge today or I will scalp Norton alive!" Norma drew a knife and held it to Norton's head.

"Call 555-ABLN!" Norton said, "Call today and get a free pair of uber-tight Richard Simmons work out shorts!"

Yep. Back to the show!

"Okay! Let's meet our remaining contestants!" Plo said, "Eeth Koth, Adi Gallia, Shaak Ti, Yareal Poof, Obi-Wan Kenobi and via satellite from The Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center, Qui-Gon Jinn!"

The audience rolled their eyes. Get on with the eliminations!

"Okay. We'll start with Eeth Koth!" Plo announced, "Eeth last night you sang Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny. And everyone loved it...except for Yoda. What would you do if you moved on tonight?"

"I would jump up and down, tear off my shirt and rip it to shreds like a rabid Nexu!" Eeth told Plo.

The audience applauded. They wanted to see this.

"Well you better start jumping because you are moving onto the next round!" Plo announced.

Eeth jumped up and down and tore off his shirt and ripped it to shreds. Then he tore off his pants and did the same. Then he was about to tear off his Spongebob boxers...

"Go to commercials!" Plo shouted, "This is a family show! No nudity!"

Ugh! More commercials.

"Have you ever wanted to make a green bean casserole and mow your lawn at the same time?" An announcer asked, "Well now you can with the..."

Back to the show now that Eeth is dressed again!

"Okay. Next let's talk to Adi Gallia. You sang Like A Virgin." Plo said, "Adi what would you do if you moved on?"

"Not strip." Adi replied.

"Darn." Mace muttered.

"I heard that!" Adi snapped, "I would thank every single person in the galaxy who voted for me. And kill all of them who did not."

"Wow. That's uh harsh." Plo said, "Adi would you stand in the center of the stage please."

Adi did as she was told.

"Now only three people will move on tonight. The top two contestants with the most votes will be told right away that they are safe, like Eeth just was. But the rest of the contestants will stand in a group in the center of the stage. Only one from that group will move on. Understand?"

Cricket chirps came from the audience.

"Good!" Plo cheered, "Anyway now let's talk to Shaak Ti! Shaak you sang I Will Survive. What are you going to do if you move on to the next round?"

"Reveal my natural hair color." Shaak answered.

Plo paused, "But you don't have any...or never mind! Shaak go stand in that group with Adi. Now I'll move on to Yareal Poof! Poofy you sang You Are My Sunshine."

"Aren't you going to ask me what I'm going to do if I move on?" Yareal asked.

"Nope!" Plo replied, "Time for commercials!"

A red skyhopper appeared with lights shining down on it to make it look all shiny and sexy.

An announcer said, "Introducing the new T-9 Skyhopper! With front and rear air condition controls, driver and passenger air bags, and a 645398 Turbo Engine! All for only 1590794 credits! But if you visit your local Skyhopper dealer in the next three days, we'll knock off 4 credits for you! That's only 1590790 for this amazing new machine!"

Back to the show. No one likes car commercials!

"Anyway, let's talk to Obi-Wan Kenobi." Plo said.

The girls in the audience went crazy. A few of them fainted and had to be carried away by security officers.

"Obi-Wan if you move on to the next round..." Plo was interrupted.

"Would you please strip for us!" Depa yelled.

"Anything for you, Depa." Obi-Wan winked at Depa.

"Don't encourage her." Mace warned.

"Um...anyway. Obi-Wan you made it. Everyone in the galaxy knew that already." Plo said.

Everyone cheered! I mean everyone! The entire galaxy! Even people in other galaxies that haven't been discovered yet!

"Now...let's talk to Qui-Gon." Plo mumbled.

The audience booed as a TV with Qui-Gon on it was rolled onto the stage.

"Hey Qui-Gon can you hear me now?" Plo said, "Hey that reminds me, we haven't had a commercial break in almost fifteen seconds! We better have one."

An announcer on the commercial said, "Is your old toaster getting worn down and not toasting the way it used to..."

…

Enough!

"Okay Qui-Gon. If you move on, you better not do anything. The doctors said you could have another heart attack if you tried to move around." Plo announced.

"I don't plan on moving around. I plan on ending this competition forever!" Qui-Gon said and folded his arms.

"Okay." Plo muttered, "Anyway, Qui-Gon you're in the group with Adi, Shaak, and Yareal. And now I will announce the person in this group who will move on to the next round. That person is..."

"Introducing McDonald's new fried lard cubes! Delicious rejected pork fat rolled in rejected cow fat with a touch of Bantha fat, dipped in butter and fried until it is unrecognizable!" An announcer said, "Come on down and order some today for only 99 cents! You can also get a side salad for just 50 cents more." The announcer lowered his voice, "Then again why bother trying to eat healthy right after you scarf down an order of fried lard cubes." The announcer returned to his cheery tone, "Come order some lard cubes from your friendly McDonald's employees." The announcer muttered to himself once more, "Stupid clueless teenagers and useless forty year old high school dropouts!" The announcer needs some happy pills! Which are also available at your local McDonalds for only 99 cents!

(We do not mean to offend anyone who works at a McDonalds. If you saw the one where we live...you'd understand.)

"Okay! Shaak Ti you are moving on to the next round!" Plo said.

The audience went insane! Yippee!

"WHAT!" Qui-Gon's image on the TV shouted, "Why am I not moving on?"

"Qui-Gon you were the only contestant who did not get a single vote." Plo said, "Apparently no one wanted to vote for scruples."

"Scruples is bad." Mace said, "I was talking to my cousin last night and he said his mom's friend once got a bad case of scruples and..."

"Scruples is NOT a disease! I demand a recount! There is no way that Obi-Wan's strip tease got more votes than my Barney song! Absolutely no..." Qui-Gon was cut off in mid-sentence, Plo had turned off the TV.

The other two contestants who had been eliminated, Yareal and Adi, graciously hugged Shaak and then walked off the stage to plot her untimely death.

"So here are the top three Jedi Idols! Eeth Koth! Obi-Wan Kenobi! And Shaak Ti!" Plo said.

The audience went crazy once again, as did Depa and Mace. Yoda was still asleep and he had drooled a small puddle on the desk in front of him. Depa smacked him until he woke up.

"Tune in next week because it's Movie Night! The three remaining contestants must sing a song from a movie!" Plo said, "I'll see you all next week! This is Koon out!"

**THE END**

…

...Meanwhile at The Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center, Qui-Gon has another heart attack and slips into a coma for the next five years. Pity.

 


	22. Jedi Idol: Part 5

Plo stood on the familiar stage of Jedi Idol. He looked extremely happy and extremely doped up on caffeine. He looked at the audience and grinned.

"HI!" He shouted, "Welcome to Jedi Idol! Tonight is movie night! Each of the three remaining contestants will have to sing a song from a movie! My favorite movie is Honey I Shrunk The Kids!"

"Will you get on with it man?" Mace asked.

"Oh sure. But first, a commercial break!" Plo announced.

"Growing tired of the same flavors in your cooking?" An announcer on the commercial asked, "Then you should try the new line of meats from Bittersweet Alpaca! Alpaca meat is so tender and juicy and it tastes better than you can possibly imagine! Try all four flavors, Spicy Cajun Alpaca, Kentucky Fried Alpaca, Sweet and Sour Alpaca, and of course classic Bittersweet Alpaca! Try them all today! Not tomorrow but today!"

Also be sure to tune in tonight at eleven for the E! True Hollywood Story of Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Featuring exclusive interviews with Globey, Chairy, and the psychotic food that lives in Pee-Wee's refrigerator. Also learn about how the salesman developed severe depression after having Pee-Wee slam the door in his face so many times.

...Okay Whatever. Back to the show!

"Did you enjoy those commercials?" Plo asked.

"NOO!" The audience shouted.

"Then perhaps you'd like these better!" Plo said.

Back to commercials!

"Does your houseplant have self-esteem issues?" An announcer asked.

"I was just kidding!" Plo cheered, "It's time for our first contestant, Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

The audience went insane! Obi-Wan Forever! WOOT!

"We interviewed our contestants before the show about why they chose the songs they chose." Plo said, "Let's see what Obi-Wan had to say!"

Obi-Wan appeared on the large screen, "I chose Walk The Line by Johnny Cash. I can't remember what movie it's from though...something with Joaquin Phoenix maybe? I don't remember the title. It was like a biography of Johnny Cash. What was the title? Oh well. I'm singing Walk The Line."

Obi-Wan walked out onstage dressed all in black. Oh, sexy.

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you're mine, I walk the line. I find it very, very easy to be true. I find myself alone when each day is through. Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you. Because you're mine, I walk the line. As sure as night is dark and day is light. I keep you on my mind both day and night. And happiness I've known proves that it's right. Because you're mine, I walk the line. You've got a way to keep me on your side." Obi-Wan walked to the edge of the stage and held out his hand so all of the fangirls could grab it and try to yank him off the stage. They didn't succeed though. Darn security guards, "You give me cause for love that I can't hide. For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide. Because you're mine, I walk the line. I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you're mine, I walk the line!" That's right! Tonight everyone gets to sing the entire song! Not just a chorus.

The audience applauded so hard that they exploded and pieces of them blew everywhere!

"Man! That was such a great way to kick off the show! Obi-Wan you are a true performer." Mace said, "We got a hot one here tonight!"

Depa rolled her eyes, "Mace you need some new catch phrases. Obi-Wan you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. And you look so good in black. If you don't win this competition I think I will banish myself to the outskirts of Tatooine and become a hermit!"

"Why am I surrounded by people with issues?" Yoda asked, "Obi-Wan that sucked. Terrible it was. Out of tune it was. Stink you do."

"Man!" Mace shouted, "You need to get those little green sausages on the side of your head checked out! As big as your ears are you can't hear nuthin'!"

"Shut up baldy." Yoda muttered.

Plo hurried over to Obi-Wan, "That was a great performance Obi-Wan. By the way, that movie you were talking about was called Walk The Line."

"No that was the title of the song." Obi-Wan corrected.

"Yeah. But it's the title of the movie too." Plo explained.

"Whatever." Obi-Wan shrugged.

"Okay! By the way, I forgot to mention that after the show we will show you the address of the hospital Qui-Gon is staying at in case any of you want to send him a get well card." Plo said.

"Don't hold your breath." Obi-Wan mumbled.

"Our next contestant is Eeth Koth!" Plo announced.

"I chose the song Hakuna Matata from my favorite movie in the whole world, The Lion King. It's such an upbeat and happy song. I just love it. I love it so much I could marry it!" Eeth's interview said.

Eeth skipped out onstage. And I do mean skipped, "Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze! It means no worries! For the rest of your days! It's our problem-free philosophy! Hakuna Matata! When he was a young warthog!" Eeth changed voices, "When I was a young warthog!" Eeth switched back to his first voice, "He found his aroma lacked a certain appeal. He could clear the savannah after ev'ry meal." He changed back to the second voice, "I'm a sensitive soul though I seem thick-skinned. And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind! And, oh, the shame! Thought-a changin' my name! And I got downhearted! Ev'rytime that I..." First voice again, "Hey, not in front of the Kids!" Second voice, "Oh, sorry." Regular voice, "Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase! Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze! It means no worries! For the rest of your days! It's our problem-free philosophy! Hakuna Matata! Hakuna...it means no worries! For the rest of your days

It's our problem-free philosophy! Hakuna Matata!"

The audience applauded, but not as much as they did for Obi-Wan. They didn't explode. Smoke just started coming out of their ears.

"Okay. Eeth that was alright." Mace said, "I think you might have a case of scizophernia but it was okay."

"I thought it was very upbeat. I loved it. But I still want to marry Obi-Wan." Depa added.

"I don't feel the need to comment on that performance." Yoda muttered.

Plo hurried out onstage, "Alright. That was Eeth Koth. An last but not least the luscious Shaak Ti!"

Shaak appeared on the screen, "I am singing Bang Bang from the movie Kill Bill because it is a great song. Kill Bill is my favorite movie because it has so much violence. It always gives me a boost of girl power! Uma Thurman is my hero!"

Shaak walked out onstage wearing a bridal gown with red food coloring all over it to look like blood, "I was five and he was six, We rode on horses made of sticks. He wore black and I wore white. He would always win the fight. Bang bang, he shot me down. Bang bang, I hit the ground. Bang bang, that awful sound. Bang bang, my baby shot me down. Seasons came and changed the time. When I grew up, I called him mine. He would always laugh and say "Remember when we used to play?" Bang bang, I shot you down. Bang bang, you hit the ground. Bang bang, that awful sound. Bang bang, I used to shoot you down. Music played, and people sang. Just for me, the church bells rang. Now he's gone, I don't know why. And till this day, sometimes I cry. He didn't even say goodbye, He didn't take the time to lie. Bang bang, he shot me down. Bang bang, I hit the ground. Bang bang, that awful sound. Bang bang, my baby shot me down." Shaak fell to floor and pretended to be dead.

Plo ran out onstage and nudged her with his foot. She didn't move. Plo shrugged. The audience went insane with applause! Yippee!

Plo said, "Okay. Since it seems Shaak isn't going to wake up anytime soon why don't we..."

"Maybe it's like Sleeping Beauty. Maybe you gotta kiss her!" Depa suggested.

"No. I don't think so." Plo said.

"Come on!" Depa urged.

Soon Depa engaged the whole audience in a riveting chant of, "Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!"

Plo rolled his eyes and kissed Shaak every so gently on the cheek.

"That's not a kiss! You gotta smooch her on the lips! Like this!" Depa grabbed Mace and kissed him dead on the lips.

Plo sighed and leaned down and kissed Shaak on the lips. Instantly Shaak woke up. She jumped up.

"Okay. What do the judges have to say about me?" She wanted to know.

Mace, who now had Depa's lipstick all over his face, said, "That performance broke my heart. It was so touching and heart felt. Did a man really shoot you?"

"No it's just a song." Shaak explained, not feeling that it was important to say that Plo on accidentally shot her in the foot a few years ago.

"Great performance. I have tears in my eyes and I suddenly have the urge to kill everyone in the galaxy named Bill!" Depa said.

"That ain't all you got the urge to do." Mace mumbled as he wiped the lipstick off his face.

"I hated that performance so much." Yoda said, "Now I want to shoot myself down!"

"GOOD!" The audience yelled.

"Anyway. Thanks for joining us here tonight! Tomorrow we will find out who our top two contestants are! Will it be Eeth and Shaak? Shaak and Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan and Eeth? Will Qui-Gon spontaneously show up as a wild card contestant? Who knows! I'll see you there tomorrow! This is Kuun out!" Plo said.

Don't forget to vote! By the way, Qui-Gon is staying at The Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center which is located at 1098472 Jedi Avenue on Coruscant. He's in room 1134. Just in case any of his fans want to send him something...yeah right.

* * *

**The End! (But only for now...)**


	23. Jedi Council: Part 18: Jedi Idol: Part 6

"It's that wonderful time again! Elimination time!" Plo cheered, "Who do you think will move on? Will it be a boy-girl battle? Or will our two male contestants battle for your votes? Oh the suspense is just killing me! Literally! I went to the doctor last week and my cholesterol has gone up six points since this show started! He's putting me on drug called Cificap to lower my cholesterol. Hey that reminds me! It's time for a commercial break!"

"Is your cholesterol higher than that of a Hutt? Are you constantly having heart attacks and being rushed to the emergency room? Do you eat at McDonalds more than seven times a day? Then you need Cificap. Cificap is proven to lower cholesterol by up to 1035 points. That's amazing!" An announcer cheered, "Cificap is only recommended for people with ridiculously high cholesterol so don't take it if you only want to lower your cholesterol by just a few points. It is so powerful that it will eat away at your arteries! Cificap is not for everyone including women who are nursing, pregnant, may become pregnant, Wookiees over eight feet tall, midgets with blond hair, chickens, Rodians with severe body odor, skanky Twileks, (Then again that probably fits under the category of women who may become pregnant), people who drive green speeders, or bald Banthas over fifty. Ask your doctor today if Cificap is right for you."

The audience was now asleep and Plo was wearing a Cificap t-shirt.

"Hey, the more I advertise Cificap, the more free stuff I get!" Plo said.

"Will you get on with the elimination!" Yoda shouted.

"I suppose..." Plo said, "Okay, let's meet our three finalists, Shaak Ti, Eeth Koth, and Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

The audience instantly woke up and applauded until their hands caught on fire.

"Okay! Let's start!" Plo said, "Last night was movie night, Shaak, you sang Bang Bang from Kill Bill. The judges were really moved by your performance, except for Yoda, he was moved to kill himself. Pity he didn't. Eeth, you sang Hakuna Matata from The Lion King. Mace thought you might be schizophrenic because you kept talking to yourself, Depa loved it but she still loves Obi-Wan more and Yoda was speechless!"

"What? Speechless I was not!" Yoda objected, "I didn't want to waste my breath commenting on that piece of crap."

Plo looked at Yoda, menacingly, "Do you want me to go to another commercial break?" He threatened.

"No!" Yoda shouted, "I want to get this over with!"

"Then I suggest you shut your little green stew-hole!" Plo said, "And Obi-Wan! You sang Walk the Line from, uh, Walk the Line. And the judges with the exception of a little green one absolutely loved it. Who will be moving on? WHO WHO! WHOOO! Hey! Owls say who! Let's go to commercials!"

"Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll(TM) center of a Tootsie Pop™?" A poorly drawn, naked, animated boy asked.

"Let's find out." The owl took the Tootsie Pop™, "One, tw-WHO, three." The owl crunched into the Tootsie Pop™ and handed the stick back to the naked kid, "Three."

An announcer than asked, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop™? The world may never know?"

...On a side note it takes approximately 142 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop™.

"Wasn't that a fascinating blast from the past?" Plo asked.

The audience took a deep breath and shouted, "NO!"

"Okay! The moment we've all been waiting for!" Plo said.

"Another commercial break?" Depa groaned.

"No silly! I will read the results from most votes to fewest votes. The person with the fewest votes can kiss their dreams good-bye!" Plo informed.

"That's harsh, man." Mace said.

"I don't care." Plo said, "The person with the most votes is...Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

The audience said, "Like we didn't see that coming!"

"You people are all in sync. Have you been practicing these little remarks?" Plo asked.

"Maybe we have you commercial obsessed freak." The audience retorted.

"That's just creepy." Plo muttered, "Anyway! The person with the second highest number of votes is...Shaak Ti! Meaning Eeth Koth will be leaving us tonight."

The audience cheered for Shaak then cried for Eeth. Then cried some more because they knew they would have to wait until next week to find out who the next Jedi Idol was. Life sucks.

"Obi-Wan and Shaak will be competing for your votes next week! Be sure to vote for your favorite!" Plo said, "See you next week! This is Koon out!"

* * *

**The End!**


	24. Jedi Idol: Part 7

Plo stood on the stage wearing a tux. Tonight was a big night! The final round of Jedi Idol! Plo looked more rabid than ever before.

"Good evening everyone." Plo greeted, "Tonight our final two contestants will go head to head. Or since Shaak is here, head to horns. And to make this show more exciting all of our finalists have returned for a special performance! Here they are everyone your 2006 Jedi Idol finalists! Performing the Jedi Drinking Song!"

The curtains opened and there stood all of the finalists. Shaak, Obi-Wan, Eeth, Yareal, Saesee, Adi, Evien, Oppo, and Yaddle.

The group started singing, "I had one pint of beer, and one shot of scotch! One bottle of wine, and bourbon on the rocks! I had one lassie on me right, another on the left, I looked that puppet in the eye and said give me the test!"

Next, Eeth had a solo, "A long time ago, in a pub far away, I sat on a barstool, just a-drinking away. I couldn't hold it down, I guess I had too much, I felt a tremor in the force and then I lost my lunch!"

Then it was Yareal's turn, "I woke up in a desert land, feeling hot and sick, I saw a bearded man, he looked like some kind of hick, He slowly waved his hand, and my pain was gone. He said let's go see Yoda, and I'll teach you this song!"

The entire group sang the chorus once more, "I had one pint of beer, and one shot of scotch! One bottle of wine, and bourbon on the rocks! I had one lassie on me right, another on the left. I looked that puppet in the eye and said give me the test!"

Next up was Adi, "So we got a starship, and weflew off into space. He said his name was Obi-Wan; there was no time to waste! I have to get you trained before it is too late. He said drink this bottle of whisky, and don't give in to hate."

Oppo's solo, "Training went on, and I'd drank most of the bar We stopped for supplies on the nearest Death Star!"

Evien's solo, "I learned to control my fear, and hold my alcohol. Soon I was able to stand when Obi-Wan would fall!"

Chorus time once again, "I had one pint of beer, and one shot of scotch. One bottle of wine, and bourbon on the rocks! I had one lassie on me right, another on the left, I looked that puppet in the eye and said give me the test!"

Yaddle's turn, "I sat down beside him and looked him in the eye. He looked right back at me, said you judge me by my size!"

Obi-Wan's solo (in third person), "Obi-Wan said careful, for Yoda is the best. I said ok shorty, bring on the test!"

It was then Saesee's turn, "Well I could tell you how it ended, I could tell you some lies Let's just say, on that night the force was on his side!"

Shaak's solo, "I got all riled up, and they threw me in jail! I said I don't believe it, Yoda said that's why I failed!"

Sick of the chorus yet? "I had one pint of beer, and one shot of scotch. One bottle of wine, and bourbon on the rocks! I had one lassie on me right, another on the left, I looked that puppet in the eye and said give me the test!"

Final chorus!

"Everyone sing!" Obi-Wan shouted.

The finalists and the audience all sang, "I had one pint of beer, and one shot of scotch, I had one bottle of wine, and bourbon on the rocks! I had one lassie on me right, another on the left, I looked that puppet in the eye and said bring on that test!"

The audience applauded like they have never applauded before! I don't know how that is possible but they did.

"Man that was SO GREAT!" Plo said as he ran out onstage, "I want to go get drunk right now!"

"Me too." Yoda groaned, "Stupid song."

"Anyway, it's time for a commercial and then Shaak is up!" Plo announced.

"Next up on E! The Entertainment Channel, Hollywood celebrities who look like Russian historical figures!" An announcer said, "98 of people agree that Keanu Reeves looks like Leon Trotsky! What do you think! Tune in tonight!"

"On the next brand new episode of Revenge Of The Clam People, Otis Otter decides to give up clam hunting and become a neurosurgeon, but can Susie Sea Lion change his mind? Or is the entire ocean doomed to be ruled by Darth Clammelton and his evil Clamtroopers?" Another announcer asked, "Tune in tomorrow night at 7:30 to find out!"

"Okay." Plo said, "Remind me to set my TiVo to catch Revenge Of The Clam People tomorrow. Anyway, here she is, everyone's favorite red woman, Shaak Ti!"

Shaak walked out onstage wearing a flashy red dress, "I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda! S-O-D-A, soda!"

Yoda smacked himself in the forehead.

Shaak walked over to Yoda and sang to him, "I saw the little runt sitting there on a log. I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda" Y-O-D-A, Yoda  
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda!

Mace and Depa started dancing around like idiots.

Shaak took center stage and continued, "Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen, A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green! Oh, my Yoda  
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Well, I'm not dumb..."

"That's up for debate!" Yoda snapped.

Shaak continued, unaffected, "but I can't understand How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand! Oh, my Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Well, I left home just a week before And I've never ever been a Jedi before But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"!"

Shaak jumped the stage and walked around, slapping high fives with people in the front rows of the audience, "Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben! So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again With my Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! So I used the Force! I picked up a box! I lifted some rocks! While I stood on my head! Well, I won't forget what Yoda said!"

"Oh and what did I say?" Yoda muttered.

Shaak climbed back onstage and continued, "He said, "Shaak, stay away from the darker side! And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"! Oh, my Yoda  
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"! Oh, my Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess! So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess! But I know that I'll be coming back some day! I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray."

"What part? Mace wondered, "This ain't no movie."

Shaak went on, "The long-term contract that I had to sign Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time With my Yoda! Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda! Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda!"

Plo ran out onstage. The audience went insane with applause. Even Yoda couldn't resist clapping a little.

"Let's see what the judges thought of your final performance." Plo suggested.

"Wow! That was an amazing final performance! I think the votes will be close tonight! We got a HOT ONE HERE TONIGHT!" Mace is crazy.

"Shaak that was unbelievable! I loved the song, I love that dress! I love you!" Depa got some strange looks from the audience, Mace, and Yoda, "Like a sister you perverts!"

"Shaak. That was a decent performance." Yoda said.

A stunned silence filled the stadium.

"What? Liked it I did." Yoda said.

"Um. Of course you did." Plo broke the silence, "Anyway! Commercial time and then Obi-Wan!"

"Visit Toasty's Toaster Shop today for the best deals on toasters in the entire galaxy! One slotted, two slotted, four slotted, and eight slotted toasters are all on sale now! So come on down and let's get toasting!" An announcer said.

"Food is good." A message from the food producers of the galaxy.

"Wow that was short." Plo said, "Oh well, here he is! Obi-Wan!"

Obi-Wan stood in the middle of the stage, dressed in his finest robe, "A long, long time ago In a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack. And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the federation into Maybe cutting them a little slack. But their response, it didn't thrill us! They locked the doors and tried to kill us! We escaped from that gas Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass. We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the Queen. We all wound up on Tatooine. That's where we found this boy..."

Obi-Wan shrugged off his dark brown robe (hey he has his clothes on under it, unfortunately), "Oh my my this here Anakin guy! May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry! And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"! "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"!"  
"I love how he always has to work some form of stripping into his performances." Depa said.

Obi-Wan continued, "Did you know this junkyard slave Isn't even old enough to shave? But he can use the Force, they say! Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he's just nine and she's fourteen! Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday! Well, I know he built C-3PO! And I've heard how fast his pod can go! And we were broke, it's true So we made a wager or two! WOO! He was a prepubescent flyin' ace! And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I knew who would win first place! Oh yes, it was our boy!"  
Obi-Wan leapt off the stage and touched the hands of fan girls in the audience who were leaning over the guard rails trying to grab him, "We started singin' ...My my this here Anakin guy! May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry! And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"! "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"! Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be! So we took him there and we told the tale How his midi-chlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy! Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance to the Force? They interview the kid  
Oh, training they forbid! Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy"!

A picture of Qui-Gon appeared on the screen behind Obi-Wan, "He was singin' ...  
My my this here Anakin guy! May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry! And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"! "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"!"

Obi-Wan went back to the middle of the stage, "We caught a ride back to Naboo  
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to. I frankly would've liked to stay. We all fought in that epic war And it wasn't long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day! And in the end some Gunguns died. Some ships blew up and some pilots fried. A lot of folks were croakin'. The battle droids were broken! And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast!" The picture of Qui-Gon on the screen fell into a computer generated toaster and burned up, "Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost I guess I'll train this boy. And I was singin' ...My my this here Anakin guy. May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry. And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi". "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"! Everybody!" Obi-Wan motioned for the audience to stand up. Everyone in the audience stood up and took out lighters and joined Obi-Wan on the final chorus, "We were singin' ...My my this here Anakin guy! May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry! And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"!"

And the audience exploded with applause once again. Yep.

Plo ran out on the stage, "Why don't we see what the judges have to say?"

"I don't know, why don't we?" Obi-Wan said.

"Obi-Wan that was the greatest performance of ALL TIME! WE HAVE GOT A HOOOTTT ONE HERE TONIGHT!" Mace said.

"Obi-Wan get off the stage and into my dressing room!" Depa ordered.

The audience laughed.

Yoda rolled his eyes, "I can't say that I liked how that song portrayed me. I give you a 2 out of 10."

"Better than a zero out of 10." Plo said, "Nice job Obi-Wan. Okay everyone tune in..."

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Someone shouted offstage.

Who could it be? Keanu Reeves here to object to the fact that we compared him to a Russian political figure? No. It was Qui-Gon!

"That was horrible! How dare those animators make a picture of me go into a toaster and burn up! Absurd! Obi-Wan you are in BIG trouble!" Qui-Gon said.

"What are you doing out of the hospital?" Plo asked.

"I felt I was needed here." Qui-Gon said.

"Well you ain't so get out of here before I call security." Mace warned, "Scruples brain."

"Go ahead. Call security. I don't care." Qui-Gon folded his arms.

Two huge Wookiees appeared behind him. They were both wearing badges that said "Security" on them. They grabbed Qui-Gon and hurled him out a window.

"Okay." Plo said, "Anyway be sure to vote for your favorite! Then tune in next week and we will find out who is the next JEDI IDOL! This is Koon out!"

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, obviously both Shaak's and Obi's songs are from Weird Al. The Jedi Drinking Song (yes, it is a real song!) is by the Brobdingnagian Bards. If you ever get a chance to hear any of their music, I suggest you do so, as they are uber-fabulous. And very cool in person, based on my now very old memories.


	25. Jedi Idol Part: 8! The Finale

Meanwhile down in the forest of the magical dawn. The deer frolicked as Gary the bunny came out of his hole. He looked up at the sky and declared that it was a beautiful morning...

...Oh...Wrong story. Oops.

...Take two

Lights flashed! Music blared! And Gary the bunny was no where in sight! It was time for the finale of JEDI IDOL! Plo Koon frolicked out onstage (side note: word of the day: frolicked) Plo was wearing a tux and just coolin' it.

"Hey, hey, hey, ladies and gentlemen!" Plo shouted. (side note: No more Bill Cosby for Puff)

The audience went nutty and waved their signs saying "Obi-Wan is Number ONE!" and "Shaak Rocks!" and "How about some jumbo shrimp for only thirteen dollars at Red Lobster?" Yes there is a sales representative from Red Lobster here trying to cash in on Jedi Idol's popularity.

"Tonight is judgment night!" Plo said, "Tonight, we will declare the next JEDI IDOL!"

Audience goes insane. That's all they're really good for.

"Will it be Obi-Wan Kenobi or Shaak Ti!" Plo asked.

The audience screamed in response. It was kind of like Plo had asked "Do you want Shaak to win or do you want Obi-Wan to win?" and the audience answered, "Yes."

"First let's meet the judges." Plo suggested, "We've got Mace Windu!"

"Yo, yo! I love how cool was used as a verb a few paragraphs ago!" Mace said.

Mace? How can you comment on the narration?

"And next is Depa!" Plo introduced.

"Hey Plo. Hey audience. Hey world." Depa said.

"And last and least, Yoda!" Plo cheered.

"Hate this I do. But do anything for money I will." Yoda announced.

"Anything?" Depa asked and pulled out her wallet, "Here's five dollars. Shoot yourself."

"As much as I would like to, my contract with this show doesn't run out until after tonight. If I were to die right now the show's producers would sue me." Yoda explained.

Crickets chirped. Somewhere in the distance Gary the bunny seeks shelter beneath a rock as a rainstorm moves across the prairie...

"Okay! Time to stall! I could just tell you the results but this show has an hour long time slot and by golly we're gonna use it!" Plo announced, "So. First things first. Mace, who do you think will win tonight?"

"You know, I'm not sure right now. Maybe Obi-Wan. Maybe Shaak. I don't really know." Mace said.

"Wow. Decisive tonight, aren't we?" Plo rolled his eyes, "Depa, what about you?"

"What about me?" Depa asked.

"Who do you think will win tonight?" Plo asked.

"Obi-Wan, of course. I sent five hundred votes for him last night!" Depa said.

"You're not allowed to vote." Plo said.

"Shut up." Depa muttered.

"Okay. Mental note. Enforce the rule that people associated with the show can't vote." Plo said, "Yoda who do you think will win tonight?"

"Me. As soon as this show is over, I am free." Yoda replied.

"Free from what?" Plo asked.

"Bad singing." Yoda said.

The audience exploded!

"ANNOUNCE THE RESULTS ALREADY!" They all demanded.

"I can't." Plo said, "We've already been through this. I know what will take up time! A commercial break!"

Gary the bunny. In theaters tomorrow.

Next commercial...

Dr. Luap Inojo of Hoth is doing a study on gravy related depression. If you or someone you know suffers from severe depression simply because they cannot make gravy, then call 1-555-6282 to participate in the study. Call now you failures!

Next hopefully more friendly commercial...

"If you thought getting your wife jewelry for Valentine's day would take her breath away..." An announcer started, "you were wrong. Get her what she really wants...something she will actually use...a smart investment...buy her a cemetery plot."

That commercial has just been pulled off the air. It is sick.

Watch Behind the Scenes of Cooking with Legolas tonight at 2:30 am, 3:90 am, 12:09 pm, 4:17 pm, or 3:48 pm. Watch it or pay the consequences!

Back to the show.

"Gee. That was the most disturbing commercial break ever." Plo said, "Would anyone really get their wife a funeral plot for Valentine's day?"

The audience was silent. Because they exploded, remember?

"Okay, well, I can't think of anything else to do. How about I announce the results?" Plo asked.

The audience came back to life and cheered!

"Haha! Psyche!" Plo said, "We've got 45 minutes to kill! So. Yoda. Boxers or briefs?"

The audience died again. Fortunately most of the husbands in the audience had already bought cemetery plots for their wives so at least some members of the audience had a place to go to.

"Hmm. Tricky question that is." Yoda thought for a minute.

"Why is that so tricky?" Depa asked.

"Because wear underwear I do not." Yoda said.

Depa died. She just died. If she had a husband to buy her a cemetery plot, she'd be pushing up the daisies. Depa has ceased to be. She has gone to meet her maker. This is an ex-Depa!

...Watch Monty Python's Flying Circus tonight at 9:00 pm on channel 97.

Wow, another unannounced commercial break.

Plo sighed and looked at his watch, "We still have 43 minutes to kill..."

... "OH SCREW IT!" Plo yelled, "Surely the network can fill up this empty time with a special showing of Cooking with Legolas or something! Okay! Time to announce the winner!"

The audience eyed Plo nervously. This could be a trick.

"The new Jedi Idol is..." Plo opened the envelope, "QUI-GON JINN!"

The audience applauded? They stopped. What did Plo say?

"Oh sorry! This envelope got mixed up with the one for Worst Contestant ever." Plo said, "Okay. Take two. The new Jedi Idol is..."

Long pause.

"Get on with it man!" Mace yelled, "I've got to go host the video game awards!"

"OBI-WAN KENOBI!" Plo shouted.

The audience exploded again!

Obi-Wan ran out onstage, tears of JOY in his beautiful blue-gray-green eyes. Oh, I love those eyes.

"Thank you all so much! This is the greatest thing that could ever happen to me!" Obi-Wan said.

Obi-Wan's tears brought Depa back to life.

"Obi-Wan won? OMG!" Depa screamed.

She climbed over the judges' table, ran onstage, and planned a kiss right on Obi-Wan's lips.

"Oh man." Mace muttered.

"Free at last! Free at last!" Yoda jumped out of his chair and ran out of the studio.

Confetti fell from the sky. Some members of the audience stared up at it with their mouths open like dumb turkeys and choked on it. And DIED! So now do you see the benefits of buying a cemetery plot?

"Obi-Wan, why don't you sing something while the network tries to decide what to do with all the extra time?" Plo suggested.

Obi-Wan pushed Depa off of him.

"Um. Okay. I really wasn't prepared to sing anything so...um...Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb..." Obi-Wan sang.

...And the network found something to play for the next 38 minutes!

Gary the bunny was frolicking through the magical forest when a fairy appeared and said...

Tune in next time for Part 14: Jedi Theater 3000!

* * *

**The End!**

* * *

 

**Tune in next week for:**

**Part 15:**

**Jedi Theater 3000**

 


	26. Preparing for Jedi Theater 3000

Mace Windu sat down with a heaping bowl of popcorn.

"Hey! Are you people ready for this?" He asked the other council members.

"I sure am!" Adi cheered, "The Star Wars Holiday Special! This is going to be great!"

"Adi, are you high?" Eeth asked, "The movie got horrible reviews."

"Yeah. All of the actors in it deny that it even exists." Depa added.

"Prepared my favorite movie time treat I have." Yoda enter the room with a bucket full of Jell-O.

"Dang! That's a lot of Jell-O." Mace observed, "Why do you need all that Jell-O?"

"To cover the fish heads of course." Yoda replied.

Everyone gagged.

"What?" Yoda asked, "Fish heads covered in Jell-O are a tradition on my home planet."

"Yoda where exactly is your home planet?" Shaak wanted to know.

"I'd tell you but then have to kill you I would." Yoda replied.

"So what exactly is the plot of this movie?" Plo inquired, desperately wanting to change the subject.

Adi picked up the movie box and read the back of it, "Han Solo and Chewie rush home so Chewie can spend Life Day with his family. Aww. Chewie's family. I bet they're cute!"

"Life Day? What is that?" Eeth asked.

"Some Wookiee holiday." Mace shrugged.

"Who is Han Solo?" Depa wanted to know.

"Well, this movie takes place like forty years in the future. So I'm assuming Han Solo is a guy who hasn't even been born yet." Oppo explained.

"Woah! We're watching a movie starring people who don't even exist yet. That's creepy." Mace said.

"I don't know about you guys, but I think this movie should become a holiday tradition!" Adi cheered.

"Don't say that until we've watched it." Plo warned, "It might be painfully bad."  
"I heard some padawans once dared each other to watch it. They were all completely speechless for like six months." Shaak recalled, "They wouldn't eat. They wouldn't sleep. They just sat there like statues."

"Freaky." Depa said.

"Oh come on guys!" Adi exclaimed, "I'm sure it's not _that_ bad."

"We'll just have to watch it and find out." Yoda concluded, "Press play, Mace."

Mace was about to push the play button on the remote control, but suddenly his cellphone rang.

"Aww crap." Mace groaned, "Who could that be. As if I don't already know." He pushed a button on his cellphone, "What do you want, Jinn?"

"Masters, I think it is a little bit too early for there to be a Christmas tree in the temple lobby. It is only November 30th. I don't think the tree should be put up until December 23." Qui-Gon said on the other line.

"What's the point of having a tree up for three days?" Mace asked.

"Christmas is just too exciting for padawans. Obi-Wan wanted a Play Station last year and the second after you all put that tree up he started buttering me up." Qui-Gon complained, "Offering to do the dishes, mop the floors, and do extra homework."

"...So did you get him the Play Station?" Mace asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"Of course not! Video games are so violent these days. And I wanted to show him that a month of good behavior would not make up for the whole year of bad behavior."

"Bad behavior?" Mace smirked, "Does Obi-Wan rob banks in his spare time?"

"He would if I turned my back on him." Qui-Gon said.

"Obi-Wan is a great kid. You need to get him something special this Christmas." Mace said.

"I got him something special last year. Volume 73 of Jedi Master Guidelines." Qui-Gon replied.

"Oh dear marshmallow Lucky Charms!" Mace moaned, "Jedi Master Guidelines?"

"Yes. I'm sure he has put it to good use." Qui-Gon said.

"As a door stop? Or perhaps a paper weight?" Mace chuckled.

"If you must know, he used it to balance a desk in his room with uneven legs." Qui-Gon informed.

"Jinn, will you leave me alone? We're trying to watch a movie." Mace was growing sick of this conversation.

"Promise you will take down that tree and I will hang up." Qui-Gon said.

"Okay. I'll get right on that." Mace lied and hung up.

"Who was that?" Depa wanted to know.

"You know who it was." Mace replied, "And someone buy Obi-Wan Kenobi a Play Station for Christmas. I'm pretty sure the only thing his master is going to get him is Jedi Master Guidelines Volume 74."

All the Jedi groaned.

"Can we start the movie now?" Plo asked.

"Sure. Let's go!" Mace pressed play on the remote control.

...Meanwhile, in the lobby of the temple, Qui-Gon and a very unhappy Obi-Wan started taking apart the giant Christmas tree.


	27. Jedi Theater 3000

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

 

1\. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT

 

Han and Chewbacca are seated in the cockpit of the Falcon.

 

2\. EXT. SPACE

 

The Falcon speeds across the screen. Two Star Destroyers chase the Falcon and fire on her. Several of the laserblasts connect with the shields.

 

3\. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT

 

The Falcon rocks as lasers hit their shields.

 

HAN

That's it I'm turning back.

 

Chewie growls at Han in reply.

 

HAN

I know your family's waiting.

 

Chewie growls again.

 

HAN

I know it's an important day.

 

 **Mace:** Talk like a pirate day comes but once a year.

 

Chewie growls again at Han.

 

HAN

All right. We'll give it a try. I'll set short coordinates - we won't jump far.

 

Han flips some switches on a control panel.

 

HAN

I'll get you back there in time, pal.

Trust me.

 

Chewie growls and leans over and pits his arm around Hanvery affectionately.

 

4\. EXT. SPACE

 

A Star Destroyer is firing on the falcon.

 

5\. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT

 

HAN

Our only hope now, is to outrun that Imperial garbage scow, tho'. I'm going to lightspeed.

 

Chewie growls yet again. Han smiles.

 

HAN

That's the spirit! You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!

 

 **Depa:** Either that or both of us will be celebrating Death Day.

 

HAN

Standby, here's where we say goodbye to our unpleasant friends.

 

The Falcon makes the jump to hyperspace.

 

6\. EXT. SPACE - STARFIELD

 

A graphic is displayed over the starfield left from the Falcon jumping to lightspeed. It says: THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

 

ANNOUNCER

The Star Wars Holiday Special.

 

 **Adi:** Brought to you by Kelloggs.

 

ANNOUNCER

Starring Mark Hamill as

 

 **Plo:** A 1970s Ken doll.

 

ANNOUNCER

Luke Skywalker.

 

A clip is shown of Luke in his flight uniform.

 

ANNOUNCER

Harrison Ford as Han Solo.

 

A clip is shown of Han in the cockpit of the Falcon.

 

ANNOUNCER

Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia.

 

 **Mace:** Duuh.

 **Shaak:** Stoned out of her head.

 

A clip is shown of Leia in her white dress from Star Wars.

 

ANNOUNCER

with, Anthony Daniels as C-3PO.

 

A clip is shown of C-3PO.

 

ANNOUNCER

Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca.

 

A clip is shown of Chewie.

 

ANNOUNCER

R2-D2 as R2-D2.

 

A clip is shown of Artoo rolling around.

 

ANNOUNCER

And, James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader.

 

 **Eeth:** Oh my God! Darth Vader is in this?

 

A clip is shown of Vader walking down a corridor of the Death Star with an Imperial Officer.

 

ANNOUNCER

Introducing Chewbacca's family,

 

A clip is shown of Chewie's family altogether.

 

 **All:** AAAHHHH!

 

ANNOUNCER

His wife, Malla.

 

A clip is shown of Malla who is around Chewbacca's height and slightly heavier.

 

ANNOUNCER

His father, Itchy.

 

 **Mace:** You know they have medications for that.

 

A clip is shown of Itchy who is shorter than Chewie. He has gray and white hair and a very bad under bite.

 

ANNOUNCER

His son, Lumpy.

 

A clip is shown of Lumpy who is a small wookiee child.

 

ANNOUNCER

With special guest stars, Beatrice Arthur.

 

 **Plo:** Maude!

 

A clip of her is shown.

 

ANNOUNCER

Art Carney.

 

A clip of him is shown.

 

ANNOUNCER

Diahann Carroll.

 

 **Shaak:** Oh shiny!

 

A clip of her singing is shown.

 

ANNOUNCER

The Jefferson Starship.

 

A clip of the band performing is shown.

 

ANNOUNCER

Harvey Korman.

 

Different clips of him is shown in the roles he plays.

 

ANNOUNCER

And an animated Star Wars story

 

 **Plo:** By Matt Groening.

 

ANNOUNCER

on...

 

A clip is shown from the cartoon of Boba Fett on some creature.

 

ANNOUNCER

The Star Wars Holiday Special.

 

The original graphic of THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, is brought back up.

 

7\. EXT. WOOKIEE HOME - DAY

 

Outside shot of Chewbacca's family's home. It is a high in the trees and looks like a cartoonish painting.

 

 **Yaddle:** Meanwhile, at George of the Jungle's summer home

 

8\. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA

 

Malla is busy in the kitchen cleaning or cooking. Itchy is sitting in a chair carving X-wings out of wood.

 

 **All:** AAAHHHHH!

 

Lumpy comes down the steps "flying" one of the X-wings that his grandfather has carved. He then proceeds to "fly" the X-wing around Itchy's head. Lumpy makes spaceship noises.

 

 **Mace:** Someone's running a body through a woodchipper.

 

Itchy growls at Lumpy in anger.

 

 **Plo:** I seriously just peed my pants!

 

Lumpy makes more noises.

 

 **Ki-Adi-Mundi:** Sounds like ET screaming because he got his finger caught in a paper shredder.

 

Malla motions for Lumpy to come over to her.

 

 **Adi:** Time for your flea bath kid!

 

Malla makes a reluctant Lumpy leave his Grandfather alone and to take out the garbage. On his way over to the garbage can, Lumpy sees some cookies on the table and picks one up.

 

 **Depa:** Wookiee Cookies!

 

Malla sees this and makes him put it back. She then hands him the garbage can he is to take out.

 

 **Eeth:** Take this bucket of sauerkraut to your room!

 

Lumpy heads to take out the garbage and Malla goes back into the kitchen.

 

9\. EXT. WOOKIEE HOUSE - PORCH - DAY

 

Lumpy exits the door and sets the can next to it. He looks through the railing to the cartoonish ground far below. He then looks back into the house to see if anyone is watching. Apparently, the coast is clear, so, he climbs up on the railing.

 

 **Mace:** Yes! Do it! Jump! Jump!

 

Lumpy walks along it like a tightrope walker.

 

 **Depa:** We're supposed to want him to fall, right?

 

10\. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA

 

Malla walks over to Itchy and pats him on the shoulder.

 

 **Shaak:** Do you realize that this movie has been on for almost seven minutes and there hasn't been a single word of Basic?

 

She then walks over to some shelves and gets a picture frame down with a picture of Chewbacca in it.

 

 **Mace:** I didn't know Wookiees used Polaroid cameras.

 **Adi:** These are the most domesticated Wookiees I have ever seen. That one it wearing an apron for crying out loud!

 

Itchy walks over to her. They exchange some grunts and growls. Malla goes back to the kitchen. Itchy gets a cartridge from a shelf and looks around for Lumpy. Lumpy runs up to him. They head over to a hologram table similar to the chess board on the Falcon. Itchy puts the cartridge in and a strange circus of holographic aliens in fluorescent colored costumes appear.

 

 **Plo:** Please tell me this isn't happening!

 **Mace:** This isn't happening.

 **Plo:** Thank you.

 

A man in a green feathered outfit appears and spins around.

 

 **Eeth:** Oh of all times for a gay pride parade!

 

More feathered people come out in bright outfits.

 

 **Depa:** This is what happens when Big Bird's relatives inbreed.

 

 

Two feathered people come cartwheeling out together.

 

 **Adi:** No one was impregnated during the making of this film.

 

The green feathered man becomes life-sized.

 

 **Oppo:** I am in physical pain right now.

 

Lumpy watches (with a scary look on his face) as two of the feathered people juggle.

 

 **Shaak:** Look at that expression on his face!

 **Plo:** Wookiee hungry!

 

The circus goes on.

 

 **Mace:** For the love of GOD make it stop!

 

The music goes "du du du dat!" The little circus people sort of bow. Once again, the music goes "du du du dat!" and the little circus people sort of bow.

 

 **Eeth:** They just did the same thing two times in a row! Now the stupid thing is malfunctioning!

 

Lumpy is very amused by this and claps at the end of the show.

 

 **Mace:** That was supposed to make us sad, right?

 **Adi:** No, it was supposed to make us crap our pants.

 **Plo:** And it worked.

 

Malla makes Lumpy come over and dry the dishes when its over. Lumpy whines.

 

 **Depa:** He is such a brat! Spank him! Spank his butt bald!

 

Malla goes over to a computer console and pushes some buttons on it.

 

 **Mace:** Apparently MI-6 has a branch on Kashyyyk now.

 

Nonsense letter and number combinations come up and then the message: YOU HAVE REACHED TRAFFIC CONTROL is displayed.

 

 **Yaddle:** Traffic Control on channel 96 with officer Paul.

 **Shaak:** In Soviet Russia, traffic control has reached you!

 

XOXOXO appears on the screen.

 

 **Yoda:** Hugs and kisses from traffic control!

 

* * *

   
*This is only the first little bit of the movie. More coming soon.¹ The Star Wars Holiday Special is just too scary to watch in more then five minute increments.

 

¹More is never coming. This was written in 2007. We have no intention of finishing this movie. It was terrifying.


	28. Part 15: You Can Never Have Too Many Yodas!

One morning Yoda was taking a brisk jog around the temple. Then again, can Yoda really jog? Hmm…let's just say he was waddling around the temple really fast. He somehow made his way to the basement of the temple. There he found a box that said "warning" on the side of it. Naturally he opened it.

"What?" He asked himself, "What is this?"

It was an ancient cloning machine from Kamino. Wow! There was a sign taped to it that read: "Caution! Do not use this machine! Even if you are a short, green, pointy-eared, Jedi master". Yoda of course used the machine. Right before his eyes, five more Yodas appeared!

"Wow!" Yoda said, "Handsome bunch we are."

"Yes, mmm." The other Yodas agreed.

So Yoda and his clones exited the basement.

"Well, I'm going back to the council chambers, you guys have fun!" Yoda left.

The Yoda clones scattered themselves all over the building. Little did Yoda know it, but every hour each Yoda clone would break into another five Yoda clones.

Qui-Gon Jinn was trotting down the hallway, heading for, you guessed, the council chambers to place a complaint. On his way there he ran into a Yoda.

"Oh, good morning Master Yoda." Qui-Gon said.

"Hi." The Yoda said.

"I just thought I'd let you masters know there is a toilet in the washroom that will not stop running. That could cause the temple water bill to go up drastically next month." Qui-Gon told him.

"So?" The Yoda replied, "Care I do not. Party I want to."

"What?" Qui-Gon asked, "But master! You can't…"

"Up shut." The Yoda shouted, "Party I will! You screw!" (for the record, the Yoda clones are even WORSE with backwards talking than the original and with each generation of new Yoda clones, the backwards talking gets even WORSE!)

"WHAT?" Qui-Gon gasped, "I'm going to go report you to the other masters! Right now!"

"Fine. Give a crap I do not." The Yoda said, "Later I may see you. But I hope I don't!"

The Yoda clone marched away, leaving a dumbfounded Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon started to walk to the council chambers. But he ran into another Yoda clone.

"Hello Master Yoda…wait! Didn't you just take off down the hall?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Nope. Just got here." The Yoda clone replied, "Want a hotdog I do! Find one I shall!"

"But I thought you wanted to party." Qui-Gon said.

"Nope. Hotdog I want. You want one too?" The Yoda asked.

"No thank you. Hotdogs are made from processed meat. I do not eat anything processed." Qui-Gon said, snootily.

"Yeah, well process this." The Yoda gave Qui-Gon the finger. (for the record, the Yodas are much more obscene than the original. And with each generation of Yoda clone, they get more and more obscene.)

Qui-Gon fainted for a few minutes. The Yoda clone rushed off to find a hotdog stand. When Qui-Gon woke up, he ran into the council chambers.

"Masters! You won't believe what I just saw Master Yoda do!" Qui-Gon panted.

"What did I do?" Yoda asked.

"AAH!" Qui-Gon screamed, "You…were…how did…in the hall…you…"

"Can you form sentences please?" Mace asked.

Qui-Gon cleared his throat, "I just saw Master Yoda in the hall. First he said he wanted to party. Then he said he wanted a hotdog. Then he…" Qui-Gon paused, "Made an obscene gesture at me."

"What kind of gesture?" Adi asked, already knowing the answer.

"You know…he held up one finger." Qui-Gon answered.

"Which finger?" Adi wanted to know, once again already knowing the answer.

"You know…the middle one." Qui-Gon replied.

"I don't understand. Can you show me?" Adi asked, still playing stupid.

"NO! I will not!" Qui-Gon shouted.

"Darn. I thought I almost made Qui-Gon do something bad." Adi sighed.

"While you're here, Jinn." Mace said, "A certain former padawan of yours is really starting to get on my nerves. You want him back?"

Obi-Wan took advantage of the new privileges Mace had given him. He went out on the town one evening and got drunk.

"Why, yes. I suppose I do." Qui-Gon said.

"Oh dear." Yoda said.

"What?" Oppo asked.

"I think I know why Qui-Gon saw me in the hallway even though I was here." Yoda said, "I walked through a cloning machine this morning."

The other masters gasped.

"You mean the one in the basement with the warning stickers all over it?" Shaak questioned.

"Yes." Yoda replied.

"Why?" Ki-Adi-Mundi wanted to know, "It clearly says "do not use this" all over it!"

"I thought it would be fun." Yoda shrugged.

"Well what do you plan to do about these clones?" Qui-Gon wanted to know, "They are very vulgar and I do not want Obi-Wan to see any of them."

Little did Qui-Gon know, Obi-Wan was out doing Jell-O shots with about ten or so Yodas.

"We have to get rid of the clones before they start multiplying!" Mace said.

"But how?" Plo asked, "We can't kill them, that would be inhumane."

"But they're not human." Shaak reached for her lightsaber.

"Wait! Let's send them off to a distant planet where no one will ever find them." Depa suggested.

"Like…Dagobah!" Yoda shouted, "No one lives there. I was thinking about building a vacation home there. If we send the clones there, then I can be amoung my own kind."

"But they are OBSCENE!" Qui-Gon objected.

"Qui-Gon, why don't you go find Obi-Wan and lock him in his room until all of this is over?" Plo said.

"Alright. I will." Qui-Gon opened the chamber doors.

There stood twenty naked Yodas singing "Don't Cha". Qui-Gon fainted again.

When he woke up he said, "Masters, I would like to file a complaint about the number of vulgar Yodas running around this building!"

"No time for that! Come on!" Mace cheered, "Grab as many Yodas as you can, stuff them into an escape pod and shoot them off to Dagobah!"

"I ain't touching the naked ones!" Shaak coughed.

Mace got a butterfly net out of a nearby closet and scooped up the twenty naked Yodas.

"No. No no." The Yodas objected.

So the Jedi set off to find all of the Yodas. Three hours since Yoda got into the cloning machine, there were 1080 Yodas. An hour later there were 6480 Yodas. And an hour after that there were 38,880 Yodas! (We can do math good!)

"We'll never be able to find all of them." Depa said.

"It would almost be easy to move all of the non-Yodas off of Courscant and onto Dagobad and then just switching the names of the two planets." Adi agreed.

"You know…that might just be crazy enough to work." Mace rubbed his chin, thoughtfully.

So the Jedi started rounding up every single resident of Courscant. They loaded them all onto a bunch of starships and sent them off to Dagobah.

"Is that everyone?" Mace asked, as he helped three old ladies onto the final ship.

"Yeah, except for this guy I found trying to sell death sticks. He refused to leave." Ki-Adi-Mundi said.

"Forget him!" Mace answered, quickly.

"Did we get the real Yoda?" Depa wanted to know.

"Right here I am." Yoda replied.

"Can't I stay here with all the sexy men?" Yaddle asked, "Worship me they do!"

"Nope! Everyone is going!" Mace closed the door on the ship and they took off.

As the final ship left Courscant, the clones watched and said, "On, on, on. Won ohw lliw ew rethob?" (for the record, now the Yodas talk completely backwards! That sentence actually meant: No, no, no. Now who will we bother?)

So everyone from Courscant landed on Dagobah and instantly started rebuilding all of their structures. There was a new Jedi temple and everything! Mace paid a visit to the place where the official map of all known planets was kept. He switched the names of Courscant and Dagobah. Everything was back to normal.

…

…

…

"Obi-Wan! How could you have gone off and gotten drunk with those hooligans?" Qui-Gon demanded.

"It was fun, ma'am." Obi-Wan belched.

"Oh! Why I should go back to the council and see if Master Windu will take you back! I don't know what to do with you anymore!" Qui-Gon said.

"You love me and you hiccup know it!" Obi-Wan replied and started singing, "Oh my my this here Anakin guy, maybe Vader someday later now he's just a small fry…"

"Who is Anakin? What are you talking about?" Qui-Gon asked.

Obi-Wan just went on singing.

…

…

…

"Hey Yoda, how are you today?" Mace asked Yoda as he poured himself a cup of coffee in the temple lounge.

"Enif dna uoy?" Yoda replied. (Fine and you?)

"What did you just say?" Mace started backing away from "Yoda".

"Tahw? Did I rettuts?" (What? Did I stutter?)

Mace ran off screaming, "GUYS! WE GOT THE WRONG YODA!"

…

…

…(lots of dots in this story)

Meanwhile, on Dagobah, Yoda and his clones were having a limbo contest. Will the concil ever find the REAL Yoda? Who knows!

* * *

**THE END**

**Tune in...some time for:**

**...who knows?**


	29. Part 16: Goin' to the ZOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subtitle: Oh God…

"Masters, I honestly have no idea how a cat got in my soup. It was most distressing to see this poor feline drowning in my _Campbell's_ ® _Select Harvest_ ® _Healthy Request_ ® Italian-Style Wedding Soup (Wow that sentence has more "R"s in it than a pirate movie…)!" Qui-Gon whined.

"Man, he whudn't drownin'." Mace objected (BTW, whudn't=wasn't…we think. Not sure what happened. Can't talk right. Mmm…creamed corn chicken.), "Of Oats knows how to swim really good!"

Mace's kitten, Of Oats, really enjoyed spending time in the temple cafeteria. And decided to take a dip in the big pot of _Campbell's_ ® _Select Harvest_ ® _Healthy Request_ ® Italian-Style Wedding Soup. And Qui-Gon was of course the Jedi to end up with the cat in his soup because he is the only one in the whole temple who would have cared at ALL. Anyone else would've just said "A cat in my soup. Hmm…doesn't happen everyday. Oh well. Lawnmower." And go on about their business. But since every little thing is the end of the world to Qui-Gon, here he stands before the council holding a soggy cat.

"Masters, this is the last straw." Qui-Gon said.

"You're finally leaving the order?!" Depa was excited.

"No." Qui-Gon replied.

Depa now sits before you a broken and miserable woman.

"I am ordering a vote of no confidence in you all." Qui-Gon threatened, "I've already got a petition and I'm going to get every Jedi in the temple to sign it. We will unite and overthrow you and then the temple will be mine."

"…Right." Oppo said, "You get on that Qui-Gon. If you get more than two signatures, and even those two will be you and Obi-Wan, I will cut off my own feet and eat them."

"Thank you that is all I ask." Qui-Gon stormed out.

"What?" Yoda was confused, "Want Oppo Rancisis to eat his own feet Qui-Gon does? Sick man he is. Very sick. Mmm-hmm."

"Fortunately for Obi-Wan he's still on his Jedi Idol tour. So now Qui-Gon's signature will be the only one on the petition because he can't force Obi-Wan to sign it." Shaak pointed out.

"My tunic is the same color as this lipstick." Plo announced holding up some lipstick he'd bought…not sure why. Gift for Shaak? Probably.

"Okay, what are we gonna do today?" Mace wanted to know, "Besides listen to Qui-Gon whine."

"Today we are scheduled for a field trip!" Ki-Adi-Mundi cheered.

"Where are we going?" Adi was bouncing up and down in her chair.

"The zoo!" Ki-Adi-Mundi replied.

Adi passed out from excitement. She loves animals. Especially penguins.

"Okay, I'm gonna wash the _Campbell's_ ® _Select Harvest_ ® _Healthy Request_ ® Italian-Style Wedding Soup off Of Oats really quick and then we can go!" Mace said. (Can you tell who sponsored this chapter yet?)

So the Jedi loaded up their speeders. The zoo was only about 30 minutes away. So they got there in 35 minutes. Eeth made them stop so he could get his picture taken with the world's largest badminton racket. They pulled into the parking lot. And parked there. Go figure. They got out of the car and immaturity set in (like it hadn't before they left the temple…).

"Elephants first!" Yaddle squeaked.

"Lemurs!" Shaak yelled.

"Cassowary!" Depa shouted.

"BATMAN!" Saesee exclaimed.

"…Batman isn't an animal." Plo pointed out, "He is a human being."

"I'm a Iktotchi, so any species that is not my own is an animal to me." Saesee said.

"Glad you to know you put me and a hamster in the same category." Adi muttered.

"Well you both enjoy popcorn and pianos." Depa pointed out.

…Anyway. (We apologize, we can't remember the last time we wrote a chapter. We've sustained more severe head trauma since then.)

"Okay. Look at the zoo map we will. Follow the path and see the animals in order we will. Yes. Mmm. Plan." Yoda suggested.

The Jedi reluctantly agreed. Following the zoo path and seeing the animals one at a time in an organized manner did not appeal to them at all. So the first animal they came were the Geejaws (leather-winged bird creatures according to Star Wars Wiki).

"Native to Naboo and the forest moon of Endor, Geejaws are very intelligent birds. The female will close herself up in a tree cavity and lay her eggs. The male will bring her food and she will take care of the chicks until they are fledged. These birds are capable of vocalizing in Basic. Each mated pair has a code word so they can distinguish their mate from all others. For the pair here at the Courascant Zoo, the code word is "Kimono"." Yarael read off of the information sign outside of the Geejaw exhibit.

"Amazing!" Yaddle cheered.

"Kimono." One of the birds said.

"Kimono." The other bird said back.

"I wonder if they ever pick up words from their keepers or zoo guests?" Oppo wondered.

"Only one way to find out." Mace leaned over the fence around the birds' exhibit, "Can you say "Honey Bunches of Oats"? I know you can. Honey…Bunches…Of Oats." Mace repeated the words over and over again.

"Honey." One of the Geejaws finally said.

"Yes!" Mace encouraged.

"Honey." The Geejaw repeated.

"YES!" Mace was sweating.

"Honey…" The Geejaw paused and looked right at Mace, "Honey…you're an idiot."

Mace's mouth dropped open. Adi and Depa were on the ground in hysterics.

"Man, that ain't right." Mace was mad, "I'm gonna make some fried Geejaw right now!"

He was about to jump over the fence and attack the Geejaws. But Ki-Adi-Mundi grabbed his sleeve.

"Let's move along. Next animal." He said and dragged Mace off.

"But that bird called me an idiot!" Mace fumed.

"I don't care. Maybe because it's true." Ki-Adi-Mundi dragged Mace off.

The next animal they came to was the Varactyl. It made happy noises as it played in the sprinkler the keepers had put out for it. It was quite possibly the most adorable thing anyone has ever seen. EVER.

"Oh my gosh that is quite possibly the most adorable thing I have ever seen. EVER." Adi said.

They read about the Varactyl and how it could be trained to haul riders or supplies. This varactyl was female her name was Gyo and she really liked guacamole. Face it, who doesn't? That stuff is OM NOM NOM!

The next animal was a tiger. Then a giraffe. Standard zoo stuff. Then the lemurs! They were curled up asleep in the trees. It was quite possibly the most adorable thing anyone had ever seen. EVER. Sorry Gyo. Have some guacamole!

"BALL OF LEMUR!" Shaak screamed upon spotting the furry gray blob with a black and white striped tail wrapped around it, "This is quite possibly the most adorable thing I have ever seen EVER! I'm like going to have a seizure it is so cute!"

"You do that." Mace said, "I'm gonna go buy a bowl of Golden Grahams at that concession stand see if I can get them to top it with nacho cheese."

Mace wandered off.

"I'm agreeing with the Geejaws more and more every second." Depa mumbled.

Shaak jumped up and down and shrieked at the lemurs for like forty-five minutes before the rest of the council managed to drag her away. They went on to the elephants. Yaddle was amazed!

"They make me feel so small." She said.

"And standing next to Yarael Poof doesn't?" Mace muttered around mouthful of nacho cheese Golden Grahams.

So they looked at the elephants and then moved on to the cassowary.

"My favorite animal!" Depa cheered, "The deadliest bird ever! It can disembowel you with just one kick!"

Everyone but Depa took one giant step back from the fence around the cassowary.

"And what's great about them is that the female ditches the egg with the male and makes him raise the baby while she goes out and does whatever she wants!" Depa added.

"If I ever have kids, that's totally how it's gonna be." Adi said.

So cassowaries are amazing. They saw many more animals. But if we went into anymore detail, we'd be here forever. The last animal they came to was in a dark cave. It was so dark, they could barely tell what it was. It was tall with pointed ears…and a cape.

"I told you this zoo had a Batman!" Saesee said. (There's more than one? I guess so…George Clooney…Adam West…The guy who does the voice on the cartoon...)

"This is bizarre." Plo stated the obvious.

At that minute that the Batman keeper appeared. It was a blue Twi'lek. She was wearing a name tag that read "I'm Na'sheemanah, Batmankeeper".

"Hey Na'sheemanah!" Adi greeted her friend, "You work at the zoo now?"

"Yep! I'm the Batmankeeper." Na'sheemanah pointed to her name tag as the Jedi were illiterate (seriously there's nothing funny about illiteracy…), "Qecpfcne works here too. She's the Neanderthal keeper. Do you have any questions about the Batman?"

The Batman was just staring at them. Blankly. He doesn't really care that he is in a zoo.

"He looks bored. How do you keep him entertained?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Well, we get death row inmates every three days and toss one of them in there and he'll beat the crap out of him. Fun to watch." Na'sheemanah replied.

"What does he eat?" Eeth asked.

"Well several things. But he's got a cold right now. So he's on a strict diet of _Campbell's_ ® _Select Harvest_ ® _Healthy Request_ ® Italian-Style Wedding Soup." Na'sheemanah answered.

"Fascinating. Can we get out of here?" Mace wanted to know, "This is wrong. This ain't right."

"That's usually what wrong implies." Adi grumbled.

"Thanks for coming. Please visit our gift shop. It's where most of our profit comes from." Nasheemanah wandered off.

So the Jedi went to the gift shop and bough 532 credits worth of crap. Actually they only bought a total of 6 items. The items were just that overpriced.

"I love my stuffed cassowary!" Depa hugged to life-sized plush cassowary she had bought, "It only cost 342 credits!"

"For that price, you couldn've gotten a real one." Yoda muttered.

So they drove back to the temple. They opened the door to their chamber and saw Qui-Gon inside looking proud.

"How did you get a key to this room?" Mace demanded.

"I found one under the doormat. Not a very original hiding spot." Qui-Gon said, "Look at my petition."

Mace looked at the petition. It had 636 signatures on it.

"How the *insert dirty word* did you get this many *insert famous Samuel L. Jackson dirty word* signatures?" Mace demanded.

"Apparently I am not the only Jedi in this temple who does not have confidence in your abilities." Qui-Gon said.

"So Jedi Master Jig Quinn No thinks we're stupid too?" Adi read, "And so does Jedi Master Join Q. Guinn? I've never heard of any of these people."

Yoda looked hard at the paper, "Every since name on here is an anagram of Qui-Gon Jinn!" He glared up at Qui-Gon.

"Well…I uh…" Qui-Gon for once wasn't sure what to say.

"You forged all these signatures?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"That ain't right." Mace added.

"Well…um…" Qui-Gon stammered.

"Did you really think we wouldn't notice?" Depa asked, "Do you think we're illiterate (seriously not funny)?"

"Hmph." Qui-Gon was about to storm off in a defeated huff. But Yoda stopped him.

"I can only think of one punishment for a crime this stupid." Yoda said, "I have to call someone."

He called Na'sheemanah.

"Have a victim for your Batman I do. Yes…mmm. Lots of fun he will have beating this one. Jealous of Batman I am." Yoda said.

"Cool! I'll pick him up in 35 minutes. I could be there in 30 but I want to get my picture taken with the world's largest can of _Campbell's_ ® _Select Harvest_ ® _Healthy Request_ ® Italian-Style Wedding Soup! See ya!" Na'sheemanah hung up.

Yoda and the rest of the council were so happy. They danced! They told Qui-Gon they had gotten him a job at the zoo…little did he know it was as Batman's punching bag.

* * *

THE END

* * *

Brought to you by: _Campbell's_ ® _Select Harvest_ ® _Healthy Request_ ® Italian-Style Wedding Soup


	30. Part 5 (But really Part 17. What?) - Try again - Part 17: Meet the Poofs

"You dropped your Oreos!" Depa cried as the bag of mint Oreos tragically hit the floor.

"Remember that Oreo cereal they used to have?" Mace asked, "It was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Shut up!" Yoda screamed, "Depa pick up your Oreos and Mace...need help you do. Now brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen...and Adi...and Mace...and Plo...and Shaak...you know what. Everyone within thirty feet of this room, brace yourselves. Something bad is about to happen. Something really bad. Muy malo (Spanish is fun!)!"

"What?" Shaak asked, already knowing the answer. She could hear Qui-Gon's uptight footsteps approaching the council chamber.

"My Oreos." Depa mourned, "Now they're crumbs. Dunkable no longer. Now they are simply a glorified ice cream topping. Que lastima (Spanish is fun!)!"

"Depa we will have a funeral for your Oreos later. Now we all need to clear our minds and focus on getting Qui-Gon out of here as soon as possible. Okay? Okie dokie?" Eeth said.

The door to the chamber busted open and there stood Legolas, but he realized he was in the wrong story and left. So since the door was already opened, Qui-Gon's dramatic entrance was kinda ruined. He didn't get to throw the door open all ticked-off like. This frustrated Qui-Gon furtherererererer...we're a lawnmower!

"Masters." Qui-Gon chirped like the song sparrow outside the window right now, "I must object to you all leaving this door open. What if you were discussing some vital secret galaxy business and a Sith lord walked by? Hmm? You should keep this door closed at all times. That is my first objection."

"And hopefully your last...ever...go die." Depa muttered.

Qui-Gon stared at her, eyes wide, face red, and not at all wearing a sombrero, "Master Billaba, have you turned to the dark side? I must object to that!"

"Qui-Gon she has suffered a devastating loss just now. She is emotionally unstable and cannot be held accountable for anything she says." Mace defended Depa even though he knew this a lie and completely agreed with her.

"Back to your statement from when you first entered a few paragraphs ago, the door had only been opened for like two milliseconds before you got here." Adi pointed out, "It has been closed all day. ALL day. But then this sexy guy with long blonde hair opened it and walked away and then like less than a second later, you came in before we had a chance to close the door back. Okay? Now that I think about it, that door-opening sexy guy might have to be punished for giving you something else to complain about...hmm..." She stared off into space.

Silence.

"Can we just forget everything that has gone on since Qui-Gon entered?" Plo asked, "Okay. Take two, Qui-Gon excluding the door thing, why are you here?"

"Obi-Wan claims he is lonely." Qui-Gon sounded annoyed...surprise surprise, "He wants a companion."

"Where's the sign-up sheet?" Shaak wanted to know.

"NO!" Qui-Gon was getting livid but he still wasn't wearing a sombrero (we'll let you know when he is), "He wants a pet."

"Again where do we sign up?" Shaak asked.

There are no words to express how Qui-Gon feels about this statement so we're gonna make one up...he is furious, digusted, flabbergasted, and itchy...so I guess he is...furdigflatchy. Yes, Qui-Gon was feeling quite furdigflatchy indeed.

"What kind of pet does Obi-Wan want?" Yareal tried his best to ignore Shaak's stupidity.

"He wants a Giant Millipede." Qui-Gon sounded absolutely disgusted.

"They're really cool!" Eeth said, "They just crawl around and eat...and eat and crawl around. They require little to no maintenance at all. I think that a millipede would be the perfect companion for a lonely Padawan with a clinically insane master."

"But it is an INSECT! I do not want insects in my chamber!" Qui-Gon snorted.

"What incest? Who? Where?" Oppo has just woken up. Depa smacked him.

"Technically, a millipede is not an insect Qui-Gon." Eeth sounded like he felt superior because possessed knowledge that the all-mighty Qui-Gon did not, "Millipedes belong to the class Diplopoda while insects belong to the class Insecta. The two groups actually diverge at the subphylum level meaning they are very different."

...Can you tell the person writing this is two months away from having a BS in wildlife?

"I do not care." Qui-Gon scoffed, "If I step on it and it crunches, it is an insect!"

"I guess Cornflakes are insects then." Mace said, "And tater chips."

"You masters are impossible!" Qui-Gon was starting to tremble with rage and lack of sombrero.

"Look, Qui-Gon, millipedes can't bite or scratch so they can't hurt Obi-Wan and they are so low maintenance that it won't inconvenience you in any way and you can still come up here and complain as much as you want." Eeth explained, "So let him have one. He obviously needs to talk to someone who isn't completely nuts."

The furdigflatchy Qui-Gon glared daggers at each master, "He's not getting one. I would never get him one!"

"Then why are you consulting us? If you knew the minute he asked that the answer was no, why even bother us with this?" Mace demanded, "We have other things to do besides listen to you complain Qui-Gon. Do you think that Harry Potter 5-DVD collector's edition we just bought is gonna watch itself? Hmm?"

"Masters I come to you all for guidance and every time I leave empty handed. I am losing faith in the Jedi order." Qui-Gon said.

"Excellent, I have an idea. We're gonna send you to the most desolate place in the galaxy and make you establish a new Jedi order!" Yoda said.

"Where exactly are you sending me?" Qui-Gon did not sound convinced.

"No idea. We're go load you into a starfighter, blindfold you, tie your hands down, and see where you end up." Yoda replied, "Mace, Plo, you two take Qui-Gon to the fighter."

Mace and Plo jumped and skipped! They were just ordered to do something evil to Qui-Gon! This was pretty much the best thing that had ever happened to them with the possible exception of Oreo cereal. They dragged a very furdigflatchy Qui-Gon away.

"Now, on to real business. The Prince Consort of Xorex and his wife are missing. Possibly kidnapped from their home." Yoda said this in an intense story-telling voice. He sounded like the guy who announces that CSI is coming on next only in Yoda voice, "They lived in a very high-class neighborhood and it is possible that one of their neighbors, a political rival, is responsible for their disappearance." By now the Council members are enthralled and eatin' popcorn, "Our mission is to infiltrate this high-class suburban neighborhood and see if we can figure out who kidnapped the Prince and where he is being held. Only catch is, these people will be suspicious of Jedi so we need to go undercover."

"Oh no!" Adi shouted, "I've gone undercover before. It's someone else's turn!"

"What do we have to go undercover as? A gardener? A housekeeper?" Depa wanted to know.

"Well, in a game of chance I acquired a mansion in this neighborhood." Yoda said (hey, if Lucas can use the "game of chance" line, so can we. And I guess we can elaborate on Yoda's gambling problem in a future chapter.), "So I was hoping that two Council members could go undercover as a newlywed couple who bought the house and want to start a new life there."

Silence.

"You want two of us to pose as a married couple?" Shaak was stunned, "Really?"

"Well, Mace and Plo aren't the room so they can't object, let's volunteer them for this job!" Eeth chimed in, "What a cute couple!"

"No...this is a very...how should I say...close-minded community? That won't work." Yoda said, "It must be a male and female."

"Should we draw straws?" Depa asked.

Well after an extremely intense and very violent game of Duck Duck Yoda, it was decided that Shaak and Yareal would be the happy couple. The other Jedi pointed and laughed at them for twenty minutes and then they boarded the shuttle for Xorex.

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon's fighter had drifted off to the Dalonbian Sector and showed no signs of stopping any time soon because Mace and Plo had duct-taped the accelerator down. Qui-Gon is speeding to the edge of the galaxy faster than you can say "Corn meal muffins with honey butter!" Although I'm not sure why you'd wanna say that. I guess you can say that if you happen to be a Cracker Barrel Menu.

Yareal and Shaak's shuttle landed on Xorex. The first thing they had to do was buy wedding rings to make their story believable. Then they arrived in the snooty neighborhood and saw the mansion Yoda had won. It was 17-bedroom, 68-bathroom, 5-kitchen, 32-dining room, 535-laundry room, 2-car garage (gee, cheaped out there didn't they?) house. You know, your basic starter home. Perfect for a couple just starting out on their own...a couple who both happen to be professional assassins and heirs to an oil monopoly. Anyway. It was a big house. Lots of rooms. Don't ask us to add them all up for a total number cause we're too lazy to get the calculator out!

"Man, this house is incredibly unnecessary." Shaak observed, "How many clothes do you need to warrant having that many laundry rooms?"

"Don't know." Yareal replied, "Whoever Yoda won this from left all the furniture so we don't have move any boxes or anything. I guess this will kind of be like a vacation home for us until this mission is over."

"Who did Yoda win this from?" Shaak wanted to know, "And what did Yoda put up as collateral if happened to lose this hand? The temple? The entire flippin' galaxy?"

"Don't know. Maybe he promised to tell the person the name of his home planet if he lost." Yareal shrugged.

"Should we go introduce ourselves to the neighbors? Or do you think they will come to us?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Well, based on what Yoda told us about this snooty neighborhood, these people aren't very friendly so they won't go out of their way to be nice to us. The only thing that will get this snotty people out of their houses would be if it started raining Lamborghinis." Yareal said.

"Hey! We have the Force! We could arrange that!" Shaak chirped (yes the bird is still out there!).

"I think that would be a gross misuse of our Force abilities. And the whole reason we're pretending to be married is so we don't draw attention to ourselves." Yareal explained.

"You smell like nail polish remover." Shaak ended the conversation with a completely irrelevant statement.

An extremely snooty looking woman and her really idiotic looking husband were power-walking down the street. They saw Shaak and Yareal standing on the front porch of their new 17-bedroom, 68-bathroom, 5-kitchen, 32-dining room, 535-laundry room, 2-car garage house. The woman made a disgusted facial expression but it didn't really differ much from her usual "I'm better than you" facial expression. I hate this woman. I want you to hate her too. She drowns kittens so she can make fur coats out of them! No she doesn't look like Cruella DeVille. She's a bleach-blonde, fake-tanned, tries-to-dress-too-young punta (Spanish is fun!). What were we talking about?

"Ugh. Jameson look at what just moved in to the Millers' old house. Ugh. They must have bought it from that horrible little green toad after Mr. Miller lost it to him in that Sabacc game. Ugh. They disgust me. They exist. How dare they." The snooty woman scoffed.

"Meep." Is all Jameson is allowed to say.

"I suppose we should go introduce ourselves. These people obviously had enough money to buy the house so they must have some sort of power that could benefit me in some way." The snooty woman dragged Jameson up to Yareal and Shaak.

"Suspects number one and two approaching." Yareal whispered to Shaak.

"Hello, new neighbors!" The snooty woman said in feigned cheerfulness, "I'm Prudence Worthington and this is my husband Jameson."

"Hello." Shaak tried to mimic the fake cheerfulness, "I'm Shaak Poof and this is my husband Yareal."

"Poof?" Prudence scoffed at the one-syllable surname, "Well...eh...welcome to the neighborhood."

"Thanks. So how about the Prince disappearing last week." Shaak jumped right into interrogation, "Anybody know what happened to him?"

'Thanks for blowing our cover Shaak.' Yareal thought.

"No. No." Prudence brushed the question off which to Shaak was an almost immediate confession of guilt. Shaak was instantly suspicious of Prudence.

"Well, we simply must be going. Ta-ta." Prudence dragged Jameson away.

Once they were out of earshot, Shaak spoke up, "She did it. Guilty. Hang her."

"Shaak, you're a bad Jedi." Yareal rolled his eyes.

"Oh? Are you gonna spank me? We are married now after all." Shaak said in a flirtatious tone just to make Yareal (and the author the readers) feel REALLY uncomfortable. And maybe a little furdigflatchy. By the way, Qui-Gon is still not wearing a sombrero. He's getting close but not quite. We'll keep you posted on the Qui-Gon-sombrero situation.

"Maybe we should check in with the rest of council. Let them know we landed okay." Yareal instantly changed the subject.

"Like they care." Shaak rolled her eyes, "Right now they are probably talking on the phone to Miss Cleo and playing Nancy Drew computer games.

* * *

Right now, the rest of the Council was talking on the phone to Miss Cleo and playing Nancy Drew computer games.

"You're a Libra, aren'tcha darlin'?" Miss Cleo asked Yoda.

"No. Gemini I am. Yes. Born in June. Yes. Mmm." Yoda corrected her.

"Is there a gentleman in your life?" Miss Cleo asked.

"What?" Yoda was stunned, "No! NO!"

"Did he play football when he was in high school?" Miss Cleo asked.

"NO! There is no gentleman in my life!" Yoda shouted.

"Is he incarcerated?" Miss Cleo asked.

"NO! The only person I know who played football in high school and is incarcerated is OJ Simpson!" Yoda yelled.

"Yap, that's the daddy." Miss Cleo replied.

Yoda dropped the phone for a minute. He sat there stunned and then slammed the phone down with such force that the handset broke in two.

"Problem Yoda?" Mace asked as he helped Nancy Drew make an omelette on Nancy Drew and the White Wolf of Icicle Creek.

"Have a baby with OJ Simpson I do not!" Yoda stormed out of the chamber.

Mace shrugged and Plo, Depa, and Eeth laughed as Nancy Drew fell off a balcony in Nancy Drew The Final Scene.

* * *

...So, how do you think it ends? Did Prudence really do it? Are the Prince and his wife just off touring the galaxy on a second honeymoon? Is the truth just something utterly ridiculous? Will the rest of the coucil ever beat those darn Nancy Drew games? Did Legolas find his way to the right story? (Watch, er, read Cooking with Legolas!)


	31. Part 17: Continued…woo…

(This is the first chapter of Jedi Council to resurrect RAITMOTS which stands for Random Announcement In The Middle Of The Story. Okay?)

* * *

 

So, Yareal and Shaak wanted to make their newlywed status as believable as possible. No…before you think…out of the gutter…NO!

"Do you feel like we're being watched?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Yeah, I kinda do." Yareal looked around at the houses around their new 17-bedroom, 68-bathroom, 5-kitchen, 32-dining room, 535-laundry room, 2-car garage mansion. In every surrounding house, he saw people in the windows watching them suspiciously. This is one of those neighborhoods where no one ever talks to each other but they will totally go out of their way to spy on each other so they can gossip. Okay?

"Yikes." Shaak said, "They're spying on us. That's awful and offensive."

"Um…Shaak…we're spying on them." Yareal reminded her.

"Well I feel like I'm back at the pet store cleaning fish tanks like I did to pay for college. And all of those big eyes are staring mindlessly at me…wanting my soul. I hate being watched! Especially by goldfish!" Shaak fell to the ground seizing.

"Fortunately Shaak, none of the neighbors are goldfish…but I think I did see some Calamarians. Kinda fishy looking. But they could tell ya if anything is a trap." Yareal reassured Shaak.

"Big…eyes…staring…" Shaak continued to seize.

"Do you want me to carry you over the threshold? I feel kind of obligated because these people are watching me." Yareal said.

Shaak immediately stopped seizing and jumped up and down, "Yeah! Carry me!"

She pounced on Yareal and completely knocked him to the ground.

"Carry me!" She yelled, "Or I could carry you!"

"No, I'll carry you. I'm the man in this relationship. I wear the pants in this house." Yareal said.

"You're totally not wearing pants. You always wear a skirt, robe, dress thingy. Manskirt. You don't wear pants." Shaak pointed out. (Seriously, Google Yareal Poof, he totally wears a dress.)

"Well you don't wear pants either." Yareal said, pointing to Shaak's brown skirt.

"Well who's going to carry us defenseless little non-pants-wearers over the threshold?" Shaak fretted.

"Well, anatomically, I am still…"

"SHUT UP! OMG! NOOO! NEVER OPEN YOUR MOUTH AGAIN!" Shaak screamed and started seizing again.

Wow, if the spying neighbors aren't suspicious of these two by now, God help them. Without consulting her any further, Yareal grabbed Shaak, slung over his shoulder like a sack-a-taters and marched into the 17-bedroom, 68-bathroom, 5-kitchen, 32-dining room, 535-laundry room, 2-car garage mansion. He slammed the door and from all of the windows the neighbors sighed disappointedly as the show ended. They quickly grabbed their phones and started texting everyone they knew about the suspicious new long-necked and red-horned neighbors.

"Okay, we're in the house. Now what?" Shaak wanted to know, "What do married couples usually do when they first get in their new house?"

"I'm not going to answer that because I don't want you to seize anymore. So we are going to make our board of suspects." Yareal announced.

"YAY! Can we make it pink?" Shaak asked.

"No, it's a white board and we're going to write all of our suspects and their motives on it." Yareal told her.

"Can I at least give it a pretty border? Maybe with some hibicuses? Or little bumblebees?" Shaak questioned.

Yareal tried to smack himself in the forehead but his neck is four feet long and his arms are only three feet long so he can't quite reach his head. It's a shame really. Whenever his nose itches at the temple, Mace has to get a stepstool out of the closest, stand on it and scratch Yareal's nose for him. Mace wasn't quite sure how he became the designated Poof-nose-scratcher, but he wasn't too happy about it. What were we talking about again?

Yareal wrote "Prudence and Jameson Worthington" on the suspect board.

"What would their motive be?" He asked.

"She's a snotty woman who was probably sleeping with the Prince to get information on something and then sell it off to some bad guy who was gonna destroy the galaxy but then the Prince's wife found out about it and shot Prudence in the head and while Prudence was bleeding to death she whips out a samurai sword, slices off the Prince's head, he dies, Prudence survives but is now in a permanent vegetative state, the wife gets the insurance money, moves to Cancun, marries a sexy Phillipino guy, and it turns out that she and Prudence were in cahoots to kill the Prince the whole time." Shaak said.

"To quote someone short and green: WHAT?" Yareal demanded, "That makes no sense! For someone in a vegetative state, Prudence was walking and talking pretty good earlier!"

"That's where Jameson comes in! He's a skilled droid-builder and he reanimated her lifeless vegetable body! Turns out he's the bad guy she was going to sell information to so he could destroy the galaxy. Now if he can ever get her out of her permanent vegetative state, she can give him the information he needs and he can destroy the galaxy!" Shaak explained.

Yareal rolled, "You know it was long journey here. Maybe you just need some sleep."

"What we're not going to consummate our marriage?" Shaak said in a flirtatious tone.

"Yeah, you need sleep real bad." Yareal found the nearest bedroom, threw Shaak in it and locked the door. Shaak fell onto the bed and instantly fell asleep face-down in the pillow. Hopefully she won't suffocate.

Meanwhile, in the darkness of the Xorex night, a shadowy figure ran up to the Poofs' front door and slid an envelope under it and then ran off almost getting run over by a Ford Pinto as he crossed the street.

The next day, Shaak woke up and was feeling more normal and a little bit oxygen-deprived. She fell off the bed and realized she was locked in the room. Yareal had claimed a 480 square-foot bedroom with an inground, kangaroo-shaped swimming pool, and a 70 square-foot kashmire-blend mattress with 1087352570 thread-count sheets. He was still sleeping like a dead cow. The room Shaak had been thrown in was 10-feet by 7-feet with a straw mattress on top of two cardboard boxes with burlap sheets and a really creepy picture of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo on the ceiling. (Good God, who did the previous owner intend to sleep in this room?)

"Poof!" Shaak pounded on the locked door, "You let me out of here right now or you will no longer be able to rely on anatomy to prove you are the man in this relationship! Get my drift?" Then she looked at the ceiling, "! Dear God!" She wanted to seize again but was too scared, "Must…get…out…of…room…NOOOWWW!"

She ran around in circles then decided to use her head. And by that we mean she bent over, scraped her right foot on ground twice like a bull, and rammed the door with her horns. By this point, the screaming had woken up Yareal and he was standing just outside of Shaak's room. He was about to open the door and let her out when suddenly two horns burst through the door and got stuck in it. Shaak is now bent over in the creepy room with her horns stuck through the door. But on the bright side, she is face down staring at the floor and cannot look up and Steve.

(RAITMOTS: eating yourself is not cannibalism it is considered autophagia.)

"Shaak? Are you okay?" Yareal asked.

"My horns are stuck in the door, I have a rash from sleeping on a burlap mattress, and currently a scantly-clad Steve Buscemi is checking out my butt so I am about as far away from okay as one can possibly be." Shaak said, "Now open the door slowly and HELP ME!"

Yareal opened the door very slowly and Shaak stepped forward, horns still stuck in the door. With one quick yank, Yareal was able to pull her horns out. Then they burned the poster. After a lovely breakfast of Poof's famous waffles, they discussed what they were going to do today.

"We need a way to meet all of the neighbors. Get them all together." Yareal said.

"Wine and cheese party!" Shaak cheered, "Booze and cheese and snotty people."

"That makes it sound like snotty people are on the menu." (RAITMOTS: that would be cannibalism) Yareal said, "But I think that would work. If we buy really expensive wine…or really cheap wine and put it in really expensive wine bottles."

"Sweet! I'm gonna go buy the booze and the cheese. You invite the snooty people." Before Yareal could protest, Shaak had skipped to the front door. She stopped in front of the door and picked something up off the floor.

"What's that?" Yareal asked.

"It's an envelope with our name on it." Shaak held up the envelope that read "Poofs".

"What's in it?" Yareal asked.

"Does it look like I've opened it yet? Do I look like I have X-ray vision?" Shaak rolled her eyes and tore open the envelope.

Inside there was a note that read: "Stop this investigation now and no one else gets hurt. Interested in a time share condo?"

"Wow. I don't know which is scarier, the threat or concept of time share." Shaak muttered.

"Who sent this?" Yareal asked.

"Are you the King of Stupid Questions today?" Shaak demanded, "There's no return address on this! Whoever they are they own a condo. Which probably doesn't narrow it down much."

"Maybe we can get DNA off of the seal where they licked it and track the person down." Yareal said.

"Yeah, send it to the Jedi Temple crime lab." Shaak said sarcastically, "No more CSI for you Poof."

(RAITMOTS: CSI comes on in half an hour, Puff's excited! So much so that she keeps typing "Puff" and not "Poof".)

"How else are we going to find out who sent this?" Yereal asked.

"Not sure, you figure that out, I want to buy booze!" Shaak jumped in the car and sped off, tires screeching all the way.

"Maybe I could get a handwriting sample from all of the guests and compare them with this note." Yareal said.

Well Shaak returned six hours later with 17 truck loads of wine and 1 truck full of cheese. Apparently she's planning on serving huge glasses of wine with really small chunks of cheese. She knows which half of the Wine and Cheese Party is the most important. Cheese is the Robin to the Wine which is Batman. It doesn't really matter. And makes a lot of people sick. (I actually like Robin…)

Anyway, around 8 that night, all of the guests showed up. Dressed all snotty. Yareal and Shaak were mingling with their guests (By the way, Qui-Gon's ship has sailed out of the Star Wars universe, into the Milky Way, and is heading for Central America. He is now within 200 miles of a sombrero. Any moment now he will be wearing one). Shaak and Yareal were chatting it up with a rich old heiress who had an obnoxious laugh and about 58 extra chins. Yareal was still wondering how he was going to get handwriting samples from everyone.

"So then I told Winston that if he piddles on the carpet any more I'm going to have to put a diaper on his little hiney." The heiress let out a shriek of laughter.

"I'm not sure if she's talking about her poodle or her husband at this point." Shaak whispered to Yareal.

"I stopped paying attention after she said "Nice to meet you"." Yareal confessed, "Any idea how to get a handwriting sample from all of these people…without blatantly asking for one (Yareal knew what Shaak's first thought would be after their encounter with Prudence yesterday)."

"Scattergories®!" Shaak whipped the game box out from under her robe.

"Okay, I do not want to know where that has been or why you have it, but I think that will work." Yareal said.

"Oh, I must say for newlyweds you two aren't very affectionate. When Winston and I first tied the knot, we couldn't keep our paws off of each other." The heiress said.

Yareal and Shaak exchanged worried looks.

"Okay, so either her husband piddles on the carpet or she married her dog or her dog is named after her husband. That's three possibilities. And I am deeply disturbed by all of them." Shaak whispered.

Yareal looked back at the heiress, "Well on our home planets couples usually keep their affections behind closed doors. We're very modest."

"Shut up and suck her face!" The heiress yelled, "I would hate to have to get Winston to bite you on your little hiney!"

…Woah…what was in that cheeseburger...

By now all of the guests were watching and waiting for the couple to kiss. Shaak stared at Yareal. She was way too short to initiate a kiss so it was up to him what their next move would be. Yareal very politely bent his neck down and gave Shaak a little peck on the cheek and hoped with all his heart that would satisfy everyone. Fortunately, a severely drunken guy a few feet away tossed his cookies all over the heiress and the kiss was immediately forgotten as she ran around the room screaming and beating the man with her 82-pound purse.

"Who's up for a game of Scattergories®?" Yareal broke the silence.

The guests all gathered around to play Scattergories®. They each had a board and answer sheet. For the first roll, the letter was B. And everyone had to think of answers for the questions on their cards that started with B (For example, the card might say "Vegetables" and the guests could write "Broccoli"). You can go to the website to figure out how the game works. After time was up, everyone compared their answers.

"Okay, number 1, did anyone think of a vegetable that started with B?" Yareal asked.

Everyone had put "broccoli" (except for a drunken Shaak who put "Bicycle"). So all of the guests cancelled each other out and nobody got any points (no matter how hard she tried, Shaak could not convince anyone that bicycles were a vegetable). The game went on, Shaak had put "Bourbon" for pretty much every other answer except for the category "Scary Things" for which she wrote "Buscemi, Steve"…that was the only point Shaak earned all night.

Anyway, the night went on, the guests left. Yareal, being the only sober person on the block drove everyone home and then had to get the wine stains off of the carpet, the furniture, and Winston (?). He looked at the Scattergories® sheets proudly. Tomorrow morning, he would compare them with the threatening note/time share offer they had found that morning.

"POOOF!" Shaak yelled from wherever she was.

"Yeah?" Yareal looked around the house until he finally found Shaak hanging upside down from the chandelier above the dining room table, "Yes Shaak. What do you want?"

"I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything as long as it's free, I want your love, love, love, love, I want your love…I want your drama, the touch of your hand…" Shaak continued her drunkening singing and swinging from the chandelier as Yareal retreated to his room for the night.

The next morning Yareal found Shaak with her face in the toilet. Big surprise.

"Well, have a little too much wine did we?" Yareal asked.

"I blame the cheese." Shaak looked up at him, revealing the dark circles under her eyes.

"I'm going to go compare the handwriting samples now." Yareal said.

"I'm going to lay my head on the nice cool toilet bowl until further notice. Have a nice day." Shaak said, laying her head on the toilet seat.

"Can I get you anything?" Yareal asked, silently praying that she would not break out into Lady Gaga again.

"No thank you. All I need right now is Mr. Toilet Bowl." A very dazed Shaak said.

"Okay." Yareal went to the dining room table to compare the handwriting samples. Fortunately, since so many people were playing last night, he had made everyone put their names on their answer sheets to avoid confusion. He looked at all 52 answer sheets and guess whose writing matched the writing on the threatening note/time share offer? That's right: Jameson Worthington. Yareal immediately marched to the Worthingtons' house to interrogate him. He asked Shaak if she wanted to come but she was too busy "bowing to the Porcelain Goddess". (The toilet has changed genders…)

"Mr. Worthington, why did you give me and my wife this threatening note/time share offer?" Yareal asked.

"Meep." Jameson said.

"Ugh. Jameson. Ugh. I cannot believe you did this. I knew I should have married Winston. Ugh." Prudence stormed off.

"Okay now that you wife is gone, maybe you can talk to me." Yareal said, "What is this note about?"

After making sure his wife was out of the room, Jameson spoke in words, "Well, you see, the Prince is a good friend of mine."

"Do you know where he is?" Yareal asked.

"I can't tell you." Jameson said.

"You better, or I'll tell the police about the note you slid under my door." Yareal warned.

"Okay…" Jameson sighed, "He's on a second honeymoon with his wife. I arranged the whole thing. He told me to keep it as private as possible so the paparazzi would not find him. Please don't tell anyone I told you this. If the prince sees any photographers while he's on his trip, he'll blackmail me!"

"When will he be back?" Yareal asked, "Assuming I believe your story."

"He will be back tomorrow evening. If he's not back by then, you can arrest me." Jameson said.

"Okay. You better hope for your sake that the prince is back tomorrow evening." Yareal went back home and told Shaak what Jameson had told him.

"Yeah, the prince is on vacation and he didn't want the paparazzi to find him." Yareal explained.

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, papa-paparazzi…" Shaak thankfully passed out on the bathroom floor. Yareal rolled his eyes and draped a blanket over her. Then he went off to swim in the kangaroo pool.

Sure enough the prince returned the next day and a swarm of papa-paparazzi greeted him. Yareal told Jameson that his name was clear but since Prudence was in the room, Jameson could only respond with a "Meep". Yareal and Shaak returned to the temple that evening. They found the other council members all doped up on Mountain Dew and still trying desperately to solve various Nancy Drew mystery games.

"Haha." Yareal laughed, "I solved a real mystery in less time than it takes you fools to solve a digital one."

"I have never even met OJ Simpson." Yoda said to no one at all.

Yareal rolled his eyes and decided to go schedule a vacation of his own. Shaak spent the rest of the night passed out in her chambers. The case of the missing prince was solved and no one except for a picture of Steve Buscemi got hurt.

Meanwhile…

Oaxaca, Mexico

9:15 pm

…Two brothers were sitting on their front porch sipping margaritas and just hanging out. When suddenly a bright light fell from the sky and crashed into the ground about 50 yards away from their house. The two brothers rushed over to investigate. They found the charred remains of some sort of aircraft and a dazed, blind-folded, bound man with long hair and a beard. They stared at him for a minute.

"Those masters. I will get them some day." The man struggled out of his binds and took off the blindfold to see two confused Hispanic men staring back at him, "Who are you? Where am I?"

The two brothers talked amongst themselves for a few seconds, then grabbed Qui-Gon by the arms and dragged him back to their house. There they gave him a margarita and *drumroll* slapped a sombrero on his head! And balloons fell from the ceiling as happy Mexican music played.

 


	32. Part 18: Jedi Trivia Bowl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 18: Jedi Trivia Bowl (but not like a bowl you eat out of. Like a Super Bowl or Music City Bowl. Just thought we'd clarify. This has nothing to do with bowls. That you eat out of…unless Mace is eating cereal. Then he needs a bowl. Kinda hard to eat cereal off a plate. I assume. I've never tried. But I think I just figured out what I'm doing this weekend…What were we talking about?)

End title. Begin story. Fire up the engines. We're blastin off.

* * *

The day was coming to an end. The sun was setting. And the moon started mooning. And people were heading home from work resulting in horrendous traffic and general unrest. The Council was still sitting the chamber listening to someone complain. The scene has been sat so here we go.

"Masters, I resent wearing humorously large headwear. I do not find it amusing." Qui-Gon had returned from Mexico yesterday. And he's ranting to council about being forced to wear a sombrero against his will. Sombrero rape. Why he is complaining to the council remains a mystery. Did they put the sombrero on his head? No. However, they did duct tape him up and launch him into space, resulting in him landing in Mexico, being kidnapped by Mexicans, and promptly sombrero raped. So I guess in a roundabout way, it is the council's fault.

"And after forcing this headwear upon my head, they offered me alcoholic beverages." Qui-Gon added.

Shaak rolled her eyes. This sounded like Friday night in her old apartment complex. She didn't see what the big deal was. She took out her Gameboy and started trying to get Mario across the desert. Note: If she had spent more time training with her lightsaber and less time playing Nintendo games, she might have survived Revenge of the Sith. Then again both of those scenes were deleted so maybe she did survive…I have just been informed that she does die in The Force Unleashed. Weed's husband killed her.

"Look, Qui-Gon. Let's call a truce. You stop whining and we don't poison your oatmeal tomorrow morning. Deal?" Mace offered.

Qui-Gon is just too furious to continue, "I am beginning to feel that expressing my concerns to you masters is a complete waste of my time."

"We couldn't agree with you more!" Plo cheered, "There are so many better things you could be doing! Like training Obi-Wan, solving world hunger, building a new lightsaber, hitting yourself in the face with a 2 by 4, licking doorknobs, ice skating in the nude, I could literally go on forever."

Qui-Gon shakes his head, "Masters. You make me so sad. You're breaking my heart." (we apologize for that)

"No we ain't breaking your heart, but if you don't leave here in five seconds or less, we will be breaking your face." Mace said, "So leave. Please."

Qui-Gon walked out looking quite defeated until he saw the calendar. This weekend filming started for the Jedi Trivia Bowl, a quiz show where teams of different Jedi are asked random questions. The winner gets a solid chocolate acklay (Big spider-lizard thing that tries to nom nom the Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones.)

The loser gets a really creepy picture of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo. Life sized. With pop-up action. Take that to mean whatever you want.

"I will get my revenge on those masters." Qui-Gon snickered, "I will sign all of them up for the quiz show. And sense they are so incredibly unintelligent they are destined to lose and be forced to deal with that picture. And its pop-up action. Meanwhile, I will have a chocolate acklay. I won't eat it but just having it will be a sign of my victory and their defeat…until it goes stale of course. Then I will have to burn it."

* * *

RAITMOTS: I like the letter X

* * *

So Qui-Gon signed all of the Jedi up for the quiz. Unfortunately, the quiz only required four teams of two people (meaning a total of eight Jedi, WOO math!). So a few days later, the show's producers had picked their teams: Qui-Gon and Eeth, Adi and Depa, Shaak and Mace, and Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi. Qui-Gon was a little disappointed that he had been forced to pair up with a real person instead of a cardboard Power Ranger like he had originally planned. He had insisted that he was intelligent enough to be a team by himself and did not require a real teammate. But the producers ignored him.

So filming started.

"Who the *insert dirty word* signed us up for this *insert famous Samuel L. Jackson dirty word* trivia show?" Mace demanded as he sat on the set behind his and Shaak's desk.

"Watch your mouth!" Shaak jabbed Mace in the ribs, "There's gonna be younglings watching this show!"

"We ain't started filming yet so I don't have to talk kid-friendly yet." Mace folded his arms.

"Ugh." Shaak knew this was going to be a LOONG night. The trivia bowl lasted like three hours. And that was after the editors got a hold of it. So they'd probably filming for at least six hours tonight. And she was sitting less than a foot away from an angry bald man. Good times for Shaak.

"Why am I here?" Yoda asked, "Sign up for this nonsense I did not. Old I am and getting a little bit senile but I am pretty sure I would recall signing up for this."

"You don't remember what you had for breakfast you old troll." Mace muttered.

Yoda used the force to throw a chair at Mace.

"It's turning into Jerry Springer already." Shaak covered her eyes.

"Jedi! Behave!" The host of the show, none other than Naboo Senator Palpatine, walked onto the set and took his place behind his podium (BTW: No one knows he's evil yet. This story is Pre-Phantom Menace. And Sans-any kind of real plot or accuracy. We do spell things right though!), "I expect a nice, clean, exciting quiz. I want you all to try your best! I want it to be a tight race! A photo finish! A thrill ride!" (man you are in for a real surprise…)

"Shut your *Samuel L. Jackson word* face!" Mace is REALLY mad today (in case you haven't figured that out), "I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to be here and this chair smells like old burritos."

"Mace, you wouldn't be here if we hadn't drawn your name out of all the candidates who signed up to be on the show. We didn't just pull your name out of thin air. Now just chill out and try to have fun. And I will try to find some Febreeze ® for your chair." Palpatine said.

Mace muttered under his breath. Shaak rolled her eyes. Yoda tried really hard to remember what he had for breakfast. Ki-Adi-Mundi was coloring on a children's menu from Waffle House (the Jedi had to be at the studio at 4:30 that morning and the only restaurant open was of course Waffle House. Ki-Adi-Mundi had stocked up on kid's menus and crayons to keep him entertained during filming). Adi and Depa were spinning in circles in their chairs really fast. Qui-Gon was sitting up very prim and proper in his chair with his hands folded neatly on the desk in front of him. He was so ready to win this. He had duct taped Eeth's mouth shut. He didn't need that imbecile to interfere with him winning this quiz.

RAITMOTS: Yes, there are Waffle Houses in a galaxy far away. We make a big deal and worry about writing a story about a cat in the Star Wars universe, but we just skim right over Waffle House. We don't even think twice before sticking it in the story. Waffle Houses are EVERYWHERE!

The director started counting down. It was time to begin! The excitement is almost too much!

"Good evening ladies, gentlemen, changelings, Wookiees, Hutts, Ewoks, Tuskan Raiders…(four hours later)…and Banthas! Welcome to the Jedi Trivia Bowl! The annual quiz where Jedi masters answer questions to see who will win that legendary life-sized chocolate acklay. In addition to that multi-legged tower of cavities, the victorious team will also achieve the pride and satisfaction of winning a completely pointless quiz show." Palpatine introduced. The studio audience laughed all cheesy and studio-audience-watching-a-filming-of-the-Brady-Bunch-like (you know, the kind of laughing where you can tell the studio audience didn't really find it all that amusing but laughed just to make the host or screenwriters feel good), "Let's meet our panelists! He's the oldest Jedi in the galaxy and his teammate is a pretty close second, it's Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi."

The audience applauded, "YAY HURRAY!"

Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi waved and tried to look happy.

"Have you picked out a team name?" Palpatine asked.

"A what?" Yoda questioned.

"You know, something funny I can call your team?" Palpatine asked.

"I don't remember you mentioning that before." Yoda said.

"Have you ever watched the show before?" Palpatine asked, "That's how it works."

"Never watched it. Have better things to do with three hours of my life. Watch six episodes of Friends I could." Yoda said.

"Aww, Yoda!" Palpatine said like he was scolding a silly dog.

"We are Lean and Green!" Ki-Adi-Mundi decided.

"Green yes. Lean, maybe thirty years ago." Yoda muttered.

"Alright Lean and Green! Good luck tonight!" Palpatine went on to the next team, "She's one of the loveliest Jedi in the galaxy and he's still wondering what happened to his hair. It's Shaak Ti and Mace Windu!"

The audience applauded, "YAY HURRAY!"

"What's your team name guys?" Palpatine asked.

"I don't know. Or care really." Shaak muttered, "Mace you pick."

"Well, if they get to be Lean and Green, then we're gonna be Black and Horny." Mace replied with a smirk.

TV screens all over the galaxy went to color bars! The censor people were staring at Mace, mouths agape. Qui-Gon fainted for a few minutes. We issue a formal apology and some Cinnamon Teddy Grahams to our readers. A few minutes later, the show returned and Mace looked even more ticked off after being issued a warning that if he said anything like that again, he would be fined 12894793 credits.

"Okay, your real name please. Keeping mind there are younglings watching." Palpatine tried again, now realizing he was in for a LOONG night.

"Springy velociraptors." Shaak said the first two words that came to mind (a sick and twisted mind maybe).

Palpatine sighed, "I guess that's better than the first one. Our censors are nodding that I shouldn't try to get you to think of anything else. Our next team features a former beauty contest runner up and girl who begs the question "What exactly is that in the middle of her forehead?" it's Adi Gallia and Depa Billaba!"

The audience applauded, "YAY HURRAY!"

"We're super-excited to be here, Palpy!" Depa grinned.

"We've been waiting for this our whole lives." Adi agreed.

"There's no need for sarcasm." Palpatine muttered.

"Palpy, I am offended! We try to bring a little bit of enthusiasm to this show and you accuse us of sarcasm. How dare you accuse us of being unreal? I never accused you of wearing a toupee did I?" Depa demanded.

"Um…uh…" Palpatine's eyes darted around nervously and he touched his hair for a brief moment to make sure his toupee was not obvious, "Um…yeah sorry about that. What's your team name ladies?"

"We are Damsels in Success! Because we are going to be successful and win this quiz for the good of our planet, the galaxy, and the universe." Adi decided.

* * *

RAITMOTS: Yeah, I totally stole that team name from Mario Party. Please don't sue me. I ain't worth nuthin.

* * *

"Adi, you may have your expectations set a little high there. At most, you're going to win an extra thirty pounds after eating that chocolate acklay." Palpatine said.

"It isn't about the acklay! It's about trying hard and overcoming adversity!" Depa disagreed.

Palpatine sighed. He was going to kill his agent in the most painful way imaginable. He had hosted this show before and it was usually a few teams of stuffy, boring Jedi who would just kind of sit there and age and answer a few questions. Never before had he seen so much energy and ridiculousness, "Alright. And our last team. He's the most annoying Jedi in the galaxy and I'm sure his teammate would agree with me if his mouth wasn't duct-taped shut. It's Qui-Gon Jinn and Eeth Koth."

Cricket chirps from audience. A few people clapped, hoping everyone would understand they were applauding only for Eeth and not the grumpy, hippy-haired geezer next to him.

"It is an honor and privilege to be here." Qui-Gon said.

"I know you are incapable of sarcasm Qui-Gon so I'm just going to say that you need to get a life. If this quiz show is an honor and privilege to you, then you are pathetic." Palpatine has heard about Qui-Gon and his constant complaining. He is just as disgusted with him as the rest of the universe, "Team name please?"

"The Distinguished Duo." Qui-Gon said.

"And my will to live just plummeted." Palpatine muttered, "Alright, now that everyone has been introduced, let us begin the questions. Our first category is science. And I have a feeling that at least 75% of our teams are going to be one step closer to a really creepy picture of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo after the end of this round."

"I resent your lack of faith in us, Palpy." Depa said, "We know that science is more than a kinda big word with a few "S"s in it!"

"Dear God." Palpatine is in physical pain. But the audience is finding this entertaining. This may be the first year in history that they don't fall asleep during the show, "Our first question is: what is the smallest bone in the human body?"

The contestants all discussed it with their partners and wrote something down. It took Depa and Adi a few minutes to figure out how their pen worked but they eventually wrote something down.

"Let's see what you all have come up with. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi, you wrote…" Palpatine looked at their answer board:

" **Some bone in the ear** "

"That's kind of close. The correct answer was the stapes or stirrups in the inner ear. Unfortunately you don't get any partial credit, you had to have that exact answer." Palpatine said, "Mace and Shaak, you wrote:"

"The little piggy that went "wee wee wee" all the way home."

"What the crap does that mean?" Palpatine was flabbergasted.

" _You know the little toe bone. In the little toe_." Shaak explained.

"It's wrong. Don't over-analyze it and make us stay here longer." Mace muttered, "No points. We suck. Get on with it."

"Mace. Don't be hard on yourself. What matters is that you tried. And that's all we can do is try our best." Adi encouraged.

"Yeah, well Adi, I refuse to believe that your answer is your best." Palpatine snorted, "You and Depa wrote:

" _ **The bird I ate as a kid**_ "

"Why? Why did you write that?" Palpatine could not believe what he had just read.

"Well, you see Palpy. We had brief discussion about bones in the human body and did not realize that when you said smallest bone in the human body, you intended for it to be a bone that occurred naturally in the human body." Depa explained.

There was a pause, "That still doesn't explain your answer. Not in the slightest." Palpatine said.

"I wasn't finished. I just allowed a short intermission for you all to absorb what I had said. So we were talking about bones that we have in our bodies. And Adi told me that as a kid she ate a dead bird she found on the sidewalk after some friends dared her to." Depa continued explaining, "And then she said that she had to get an ultrasound of her stomach a few months ago…"

"Oooohh." The audience made a suspicious noise.

"The doctor thought I might have an ulcer you perverts! Everyone hears ultrasound and they assume pregnancy! I am not sleeping around!" Adi shouted.

"Younglings." Palpatine reminded her.

"Anyway, Adi said that the ultrasound technician was still able to see bone fragments from the bird she had eaten like twenty years ago. They were still inside her HUMAN BODY and we figured that bird bones were pretty small. So the SMALLEST BONE inside Adi's HUMAN BODY is the bones of the bird she ate as a kid." Depa finished.

Palpatine dropped his head and rubbed his eyes, "No. Just no. Not right on any level. Let's move on to the Distinguished Duo."

Qui-Gon had written:

" _Stapes_ "

"Oh my word! A correct answer! Well done Qui-Gon!" Palpatine cheered.

"Thank you." Qui-Gon smirked.

"Alright next question. Still in science. We're stuck here for another three questions folks. God help us all." Palpatine said, "And question two is: If Billy and Betty are both heterozygous, each carrying a dominant gene for brown eyes and a recessive gene for blue eyes, how likely are they to have a blue eyed child? I can't wait to see how badly you all butcher this one."

The team discussed for a minute. Shaak sat there mouth agape trying to process the information. Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda talked it over for a while. Depa and Adi started writing instantly which can only mean they aren't thinking at all and just writing something random.

"Okay. Let's see the diamonds you all have emerged with this time." Palpatine sighed, "Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda, you all wrote:

" **25% chance of a blue eyed baby** **"**

"Wow. That is…correct. I'm not sure what to do with myself." Palpatine said, "Let's see what Shaak and Mace wrote:

" _They have a 258 in 39857 chance of conceiving a blue-eyed child_."

"Did you two just write down random numbers?" Palpatine wanted to know.

"You tell us, is that the right answer?" Mace asked.

"No." Palpatine replied.

"Then yes. Those are just random numbers." Mace answered.

"We were hoping the happy face would encourage you to take pity on us." Shaak informed.

"No. Let's see what Qui-Gon and Eeth put." Palpatine said quickly.

"Whoa there, turbo!" Adi spoke up, "You skipped us!"

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice." Palpatine groaned, "What did you ladies put?"

" _ **There's no way to know. She's cheating on him with Qui-Gon**_."

"Nice work you two. Inspiring." Palpatine shook his head, "Qui-Gon. What's the answer?"

"First of all. I find the previous answer most offensive and if I am forced to tolerate any more of this abuse, I will leave the show and you will be forced to deal with these six idiots on your own." Qui-Gon said, "Now that I have made that clear, here is my answer:

" _They have a 25% chance of conceiving a blue-eyed child_."

"That's right, Qui-Gon. But you don't have to restate the entire question." Palpatine said, "Second to last question. Then we are finally done with science. The third question is: Name one of the two elements on the periodic table that are liquid at room temperature."

The teams started writing. Qui-Gon looked quite smug. Jerk. Adi and Depa were giggling. God knows why. Mace looked generally annoyed. Understandable. Shaak looked like she was going to fall asleep. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi were asleep.

"Well. I'm going to skip Lean and Green here since they obviously cannot answer the question in their sleep. So let's move on to the Springy Velociraptors and they have come up with:

" _Mercury?_ "

"I love that you two were so unsure of your answer that you put a question mark after it. It is correct however." Palpatine said.

"Yeah, we were pretty sure that was right. Someone spilled mercury in the temple once. And we figure it was impossible to spill a gas or a solid…" Mace began his explanation.

"You can spill a basket full of Lego blocks!" Adi interrupted, "Wouldn't that be spilling a solid?"

"Legos are not on the periodic table of elements!" Palpatine argued.

Adi pouted.

"Yeah, well we had a mercury spill. And we were on lock down for twelve hours. And I was locked in the men's room with Yoda and Qui-Gon. I was three minutes away from fashioning my robe into a rope and hanging myself from the ceiling. But then the hazmat people came in and we got out but they stole my shoes and I was all like, man I paid 812 credits for those shoes you better give them back but he never did and…" Mace went on and on and on and most of the story was cut by the editors. Seeing as how it went on for roughly five hours.

"Beautiful." Palpatine said, "Let's see what the alleged Damsels in Success have come up with...And one of you traced your left hand. Beautiful."

"No actually, I traced Adi's left hand. It was a group effort. We are a team. We are truly united and because of that strong unity and teamwork, we are destined to win." Depa explained.

The audience cheered and Palpatine gave them a look that could kill.

Palpatine sighed, "No. That is nowhere near the right answer."

"Would it have been the right answer if she had traced my right hand?" Adi wanted to know.

"I'm ignoring that question. Let's move on to Qui-Gon." Palpatine said.

Qui-Gon wrote:

" _Mercury and Bromine are liquids at room temperature_."

"Again Qui-Gon, you don't need to restate the question. And you only needed one of the elements. But both of those are correct." Palpatine said.

"May I have two points since I knew both of them?" Qui-Gon asked.

Palpatine appeared to be in deep thought, then said very bluntly, "No."

"That is unacceptable." Qui-Gon scoffed.

"Why? You're still in the lead. By like forty." Palpatine reminded him, "Final science question! YAY! It is: What is the largest member of the Rodent family?"

Depa's eyes grew wide and she started bouncing up and down in her chair. She raised her hand and flailed it around in the air.

"Depa, you need to write down the answer." Palpatine reminded her.

Adi handed Depa the pen and she started furiously scribbling away.

"Let's see what you all have here. Lean and Green appear to still be snoozing away over there so never mind them. Mace and Shaak, you all wrote:

" _Lester_."

"I'm sure there's a long and complicated story behind this. Go on with it." Palpatine rolled his eyes.

"Well, guinea pigs are rodents, right?" Shaak asked.

"Yes." Palpatine answered, growing frustrated.

"Well, when I was a kid I had a guinea pig named Lester. And he was really really fat. Probably because I fed him nothing but lard and cookie dough. So I figured he may be the largest rodent that ever lived." Shaak explained.

"I'd just like to add." Mace spoke up.

"Keep it short this time, Windu. The show is only three hours long." Palpatine pointed to his watch (it had Pokémon on it!).

"When I was younger I lived next door to a family with the last name Rodent. And ironically enough, the dad's name was Lester. And he was a really big dude. So Lester was the biggest member of the Rodent family." Mace explained.

"So you see, either way, Lester is the right answer." Shaak concluded.

"No actually it isn't. Now Depa you seemed really excited about this one so I'm going to skip you and go to Qui-Gon first." Palpatine said.

Depa looked like she might cry. Adi hugged her and glared at Palpatine.

"Aww." The audience sympathized.

"What? The audience has turned to the dark side! They are actually rooting for those two!" Palpatine sighed, "Anyway, Qui-Gon, you wrote:

" _The capybara is the largest member of the Rodent family._ "

"Qui-Gon please don't write a novel next time. But yes, capybara is the right answer." Palpatine said.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Depa shouted, "And if you had come to us first, you'd know that!"

"Okay then, Depa. Tell us, what is the largest member of the rodent family?" Palpatine couldn't wait to hear this.

" _ **THERE IS NO RODENT FAMILY**_!"

"That's not right! Of course there's a rodent family! It's the family composed of guinea pigs, squirrels, beavers, mice…" Palpatine listed.

"NO!" Depa wailed, "That is the ORDER Rodentia! The next highest taxonomic classification level."

Palpatine looked stunned, "You know your taxonomic classification levels?"

"Yeah: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species. I had an acronym for them in college: Killing People Can Only Feel Good, Sam!" Depa explained.

Palpatine looks at the show's judges who are nodding that this information is correct. At the same time, they are worrying that the violent acronym may not sit too well with the censors.

"So you see, Palpy, there is a Rodent ORDER and it is composed of many FAMILIES such as Scuiridae which is the squirrels, Castoridae which is the beaver, and Muridae which is the true mice and rats." Depa finished.

The judges nodded to Palpatine, confirming this information.

"That is absolutely right. I guess you two get a point." Palpatine said.

The audience exploded into applause. Depa and Adi got up and skipped a few laps around the desk to celebrate.

"And Qui-Gon, I guess you lose a point." Palpatine said.

Qui-Gon died for a few minutes. Some EMTs revived him. They had no choice.

"So at the end of the science round the scores are: Lean and Green with 1 because they slept through the last two questions. Damsels in Success have an amazing score of 1. The Springy Velociraptors are also tied with 1. And The Distinguished Duo is in the lead with 3. We will back after these messages and we will begin our second round: the music round!"

The audience applauded.

© 1/4/11

"Puff" and "Weed"


	33. Part 18: Jedi Trivia Bowl (Part 2)

Once certain that the cameras were off and he would not get fined for using explicatives, Mace turned to Shaak.

"Seriously, Shaak. How the *insert dirty word* did we get sighed up for this *frequently used by Samuel L. Jackson dirty word* quiz show?" He demanded.

"Would you please stop using that kind of language? My ears are not a toilet!" Shaak snipped, "But in response to the question that I believe was buried somewhere inside that mountain of filth, I have no idea how we ended up on this show. I am certain that I did not sign up for this. Unless I was too drunk to remember."

Mace rolled his eyes. Then he glanced across the studio to see a very cocky-looking Qui-Gon sitting with his arms folded behind his team's desk.

"What does he look so happy about?" Mace asked aloud to no one at all really, "Something fishy is going on here. Qui-Gon is never happy unless he knows other people are miserable. And right now I'm miserable meaning Qui-Gon must be happy about my misery. Which most likely means that he is the cause of my misery."

Mace rose from his seat to go beat the crap out of…er…ask Qui-Gon why he looked so cheeky.

"Alright Masters, we're rolling again in thirty seconds." Said the director of the show.

"Aww man." Mace stomped his foot angrily. Like a flippin' three-year-old girl. His torture session…er…interrogation of Qui-Gon would have to wait. For now he had to continue to grin and bear this stupid trivia show (continue to grin and bear? Has he really been grinning and bearing it so far? Or has he just been whining and cursing a lot? We dunno. We didn't bother to reread the last part. We're totally doing this Lucas style. Writing with no clue what happened in previous chapters.)

Anyway. I think we were talking about bread.

No actually.

The cameras started rolling. Mace sat back down in his chair and Palpatine walked back onto the set. His face was red from all the yelling he did at his agent over the phone during the break. This is the real reason Palpatine is a Sith. You can bet you booty that his agent has a date with some lightning bolts later.

But like a true politician, the instant the cameras came on, Palpatine switched into 'I'm so happy and such a great wonderful guy' mode. He grinned and his face slowly returned to its normal pasty-white-old-guy color.

"Welcome back to the show. For those of you just tuning in please switch the channel now. It's not too late for you to escape! For those of you who have been watching this train wreck. I apologize." Palpatine said, "Just to review the scores. All the teams have one point except the Distinguished Duo who have 3 points. And judging by the last round, they're pretty much guaranteed to win so the next five hours of this show is pretty much a waste of time."

"I resent your lack of faith in us, Palpy!" Depa shouted, "It's not over until the fat Bantha sings! And right now I don't hear anybody mooing Another One Bites The Dust."

"If I start mooing Another One Bites The Dust can we say this is over and go home?" Shaak asked, "Because if that's the case…"

Shaak began mooing very loudly to the tune of Another One Bites The Dust.

Palpatine's will to live sunk a little bit lower. His agent is a dead man.

"That's quite nice, Shaak but I think you're a little off key." Adi spoke up, "Should go more like…"

Adi started mooing as well.

Palpatine is wondering if his robe can be fashioned into a noose so he can hang himself from the rafters.

"ENOUGH MOOING!" He finally yelled, "We're continuing with the quiz show whether you all moo or not!"

"I never said I didn't want to continue. I'm quite happy to be here. This chair is comfy and the temperature is pleasant. It's like a little vacation." Depa said, "I just don't like you calling us all losers before we've had time to lose properly."

Palpatine sighed. He was pretty sure he had a nail file in his pocket. If he broke it in half maybe he could use one of the jagged edges to cut his jugular vein…

…this story is getting rather dark isn't it? It's okay. It's just Palpatine. Who cares if he dies? He's killed plenty of people.

"Okay. Whatever. I'm just going to continue hosting the show while ignoring the panelists completely." Palpatine said.

"Aww Palpy." Adi whined, "We love you."

Palpatine rolled his eyes, "It's time for the music round. I'm going to ask questions about music and those…entities…over there are going to answer them. Sound good? Okay. Here is the first question. What Bealtes song, which is included on the CD of their number one hits, begins with guitar feedback?"

Mace and Shaak just stared at Palpatine. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi have woken up and are making paper hats for themselves out of the scrap paper the panelists were provided with to write on. They didn't hear the question, wrote something down, and continued with their hat making. Adi and Depa are giggling about something and writing God knows what. Qui-Gon still looks smug as he writes his answer. Eeth Koth managed to obtain a set of nail clippers from a woman in the audience during the commercial break and is currently trying to free himself from his duct tape restraints (was he tied up with duct tape? Again we didn't reread the first part here. Eh, since when do we care about continuity? It's not like we're getting paid to write this. It's not like anyone is paying us to read it. It's not like you can demand a refund if it doesn't make sense. If it makes sense, we're not doing it right anyway!)

"Alright. Time is up. Let's see what gems our panelists have come up with this time." Palpatine muttered, "Lean and Green wrote…"

" **Three Times a Lady** "

"That is not a Beatles song." Palpatine muttered, "Not even close."

"But that's like the standard answer to every song question ever. That or Bryan Adams. And you asked for a song. If you'd asked for a person, we would've written Bryan Adams." Ki-Adi-Mundi explained.

"So regardless of the question, you were just going to write Three Times a Lady if I asked for a song and Bryan Adams if I asked for a singer?" Palpatine wanted to confirm the insanity.

"Yep. Were we right?" Yoda asked.

"No!" Palpatine replied.

"Eh." Yoda shrugged, "Easy come easy go."

"I'd say that's true Yoda but first you actually have to have something, like points for example, coming in." Palpatine retorted.

"We have one point. That's all we'll ever need." Ki-Adi-Mundi replied.

Palpatine sighed, "I'm done. This is futile. Speaking of futility, let's see what The Springy Velociraptors wrote.

"Yellow Submarine"

"That is actually a Beatles song. So I'm proud of you two for that." Palpatine said, "But it is not the right Beatles song. So I can't give you any points."

"We don't care." Mace replied quickly.

"Good." Palpatine said, "Okay. Damsels in Success, were you two successful this time? I'm going to bet no but you two have surprised me before…once…so I guess that means odds of it happening again are pretty slim but…"

"Shut up and check their answer so I can go home and drink until I can't remember any of this!" Shaak yelled.

"Okay. Adi and Depa. What did you write?"

"Bottom"

"Really? Really? We've resorted to fourth grade humor now?" Palpatine was appalled.

"Bottom is a silly word." Adi giggled.

Palpatine hates his life. Seriously, I'm pretty sure this quiz show caused the whole Dark Side and evil Empire stuff he did.

"Distinguished Duo. Please. Get this right or at least give me an answer that isn't completely juvenile." Palpatine begged.

"I Feel Fine"

"Well I'm very happy for you, Qui-Gon. But what is your answer?" Depa asked.

"That _is_ his answer!" Palpatine growled, "And it is the correct answer. The Beatles song I Feel Fine begins with guitar feedback. That's one point for the Distinguished Duo."

"Thank you. And for the record, I do feel fine. I feel wonderful. I feel spectacular knowing that I will emerge from this quiz show a winner despite all of the other wonderful contestants that I…er…I mean that signed up for this show." Qui-Gon's eyes darted back and forth, hoping no one caught his little slip up.

But Mace did. Now Mace knows who got him into this terrible mess. Now Mace knows who is forcing him to miss a Mad Men marathon in order to sit in a studio under hot lights answering stupid questions. Now Mace knows who is going to be decapitated by a purple lightsaber some time in the very near future. Mace deserves his revenge. And Qui-Gon deserves to die. And apparently I want to watch Kill Bill.

"Way to go, Qui-Gon. I never thought I'd be rooting for you but since you're the only one getting points I guess I don't have much of choice, right?" Palpatine asked.

"Oh. All that is about to change." Mace muttered, "Things about to get serious all up in here."

RAITMOTS: We…are so sorry.

"On to the next question. _Trompette_ is the term used for the highest-pitched drone string that features the buzzing bridge on this musical instrument believed to have originated in Western Europe in the eleventh century AD." Palpatine read.

Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Shaak, Depa, and Adi's jaws all dropped simultaneously in a very cartoonish manner. Mace, however, looked confident as he grabbed the pen and wrote his answer.

"Okay. Time's up. Let's see if any of our contestants got that ridiculous question right." Palpatine said, "Remind me to tell our writers to dumb these questions down a bit. I know pretty much any question would be difficult for these particular contestants. But this question would be difficult for any contestants. It's cruel to give the contestants here today questions like that. It's downright abusive."

"Will you just shut your face and look at our answers already?" Mace demanded.

"Yes." Palpatine nodded, "Absolutely. I'm sure you all probably want the trauma of this question over. So let's see what Lean and Green wrote down."

" **The oboe** "

"I'm proud of you two for actually writing an instrument name. I almost wish I could give you half a point for getting that much right." Palpatine sympathized, "But I can't so let's just move on to Damsels in Success."

The Damsels in Success are not behind their desk. They are nowhere to be seen.

"Adi? Depa? Where did you two go?" Palpatine called, "Ladies?"

"We're hiding under the desk and we're not coming out until the mean scary question is gone." A voice called (sounded like Depa) from under the desk.

"Whatever." Palpatine shook his head, "Now Springy Velociraptors, let's see your answer. Unless you just want to hide under the desk too."

"Nope. Look at my answer and dump some ketchup on your foot 'cause you're about to eat it." Mace snapped.

"Mace? You feeling okay?" Shaak put a hand on Mace's forehead.

"Don't touch me woman!" Mace slapped her hand away.

RAITMOTS: ….

Shaak looked hurt. She scooted her chair away from Mace.

"Okay Palpatine. Look at my answer." Mace repeated.

"Alright." Palpatine stammered, obviously a bit shaken up by Mace's outburst, "You wrote."

"Hurdy Gurdy"

"Mace are you just making up words again? Like Bill Cosby or something?" Shaak questioned.

"No actually Shaak, that is the correct answer. The hurdy gurdy is a musical instrument." Palpatine said, "I can't believe I'm saying this but that is one point for the Springy Velociraptors!"

The audience explodes into applause. Shaak is too stunned to be happy.

"Mace!" She whispers loudly and pulls Mace closer to whisper in his ear, "How in the galaxy did you know that answer?"

"I'm not as dumb as everyone thinks I am. I've actually known the answer to every question tonight. I just didn't care until a few minutes ago." Mace explained.

"What happened a few minutes ago to make you change your mind?" Shaak wanted to know.

"I found out who is responsible for signing us up for this show. And he's in this room right now." Mace answered.

"Is it that kind of chubby guy in the green shirt back in like the eighth row? Kinda looks like Drew Carrey used to look before he lost weight and lost his glasses and made his hair different? Because I've been suspicious of him all evening." Shaak said.

"No you idiot!" Mace groaned, "Qui-Gon signed us up for this so he could humiliate us in front of the entire universe!"

"Really?" Shaak squeaked, "But that's so mean. Even for Qui-Gon that is just so…evil."

"Exactly. And now that we're here, all we can do is win the quiz and humiliate him." Mace explained, "Turn the tables on him a bit."

"That…is…brilliant." Shaak nodded, "We have to let the other contestants know that we know that Qui-Gon is evil."

"That can wait until the commercial break. For now we have to focus on getting these next few questions right. Maybe we can free Eeth and get him to participate and sabotage Qui-Gon's answers. I bet the rule book says that both team members have to contribute something." Mace plotted.

"And it appears that the Distinguished Duo came up with the answer hurdy gurdy as well." Palpatine said, having already checked Qui-Gon's answer while Mace and Shaak were plotting, "So that's one point for them. Okay. On to the next question. Which is a complete the lyric question. Here's the lyric: 'Looking at the crowd And I see your body sway, c'mon'. Contestants, complete this lyric."

RAITMOTS: For the record, we would LOVE to hear Palpatine read those lyrics. If you happen to know the guy who plays him, hook us up.

Team Lean and Green looked absolutely confused.

"What? What song is that from?" Yoda asked.

"I can't tell you. I'll tell you after I give the correct answer." Palpatine explained.

"I haven't listened to any music written in the last 400 years!" Yoda squawked, "And that was before lyrics were invented!"

"Then I guess you two better just make something up." Palpatine shrugged, "Or see if you can copy off of the Damsels in Success who seem to be jumping up and down in their seats and squeaking with excitement. Either they know the answer or they found an old gummy bear stuck under one of their chairs. Not sure which."

"We know the answer!" Adi cried, "If you saw who that song was by then you know we know the answer!"

"Shaak, what the hell is the answer?" Mace demanded, gripping the pen nervously.

"It sounds familiar but I'm not sure." Shaak said.

"Not sure?" Mace repeated, "Shaak we can't win this game on a 'not sure'!"

"Well why don't you know the lyric?" Shaak asked.

"Cause I ain't never heard that song!" Mace yelled.

"Well neither have I!" Shaak shouted back.

"Okay time is up! Let's read our answers!" Palpatine said, "Okay Lean Cuisine, what did you two come up with."

"Lean and Green you cannibal!" Yoda replied, "Ki, what the crap did you write?"

" **Three Times a Lady** "

"What?" Yoda squawked, "You wrote that again?"

"Looking at the crowd And I see your body sway, c'mon three times a lady." Palpatine read the lyrics all together, "No. That's not it."

Ki-Adi-Mundi shrugged, "Again, it was a song question and I've learned throughout the years that Three Times A Lady is the most frequently mentioned song on all of these quiz shows. Is Lionel Ritchie one of your producers?"

"Executive producer actually." Palpatine muttered.

"What was that?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." Palpatine replied, "Now, Springy Velociraptors. What did you write?"

"Nothing." Mace mumbled, "Stupid Shaak didn't know the answer."

"Well you didn't make any effort to help me!" Shaak exclaimed.

"It ain't my job." Mace replied.

"What? Getting us points isn't your job? Then what is your job?" Shaak wanted to know.

"I'm the scribe. I write your answers." Mace told her.

"Okay if you two are done arguing like an old married couple, let's move on to the very giddy Damsels in Success." Palpatine said, "Ladies, you wrote:"

"Wishin' I could thank you in a different way, c'mon"

Adi and Depa insisted on singing and dancing out their answer. It was fabulous.

"That is absolutely correct! Way to go ladies!" Palpatine cheered and then muttered under his breath, "I need a drink."

"Thank you, Palpy." Depa said, "You see, we are quite familiar with that song. It was one of our favorites back in middle school."

"Congratulations." Palpatine muttered, "Not surprised at all that you two knew that answer. God forbid you two answer an intelligent question."

"Ha! Like _you_ would know the answer to that if you didn't have that card in front of you!" Adi objected, "Admit it, we knew something you didn't and are therefore of higher intelligence."

"Whatever you say." Palpatine sighed, "Finally, Distinguished Duo, what was your answer?"

"I…um…didn't have one." Qui-Gon sounded insanely ashamed and defeated.

"Well spank my bottom and call me Pickle Girl! The squares didn't know the answer!" Depa cheered.

"I'm not doing either of those things but yes, it does appear that the alleged 'squares' didn't know the answer." Palpatine said, "Which doesn't surprise me. This isn't exactly Qui-Gon's type of music."

"He's got a young padawan. Like Obi-Wan never listened to Backstreet Boys music to try and get the girls to like him!" Adi said, "A lot of guys at our school did. There's nothing hotter than a man who knows all of the words to I Want It That Way in my opinion!"

"And now that Adi has converted the show to a dating website, I'm going to reveal the title and artist responsible for that song." Palpatine said, "That was Larger Than Life by the Backstreet Boys. And the correct lyric was 'wishin' I could thank you in a different way, c'mon'."

"I object! Those lyrics are vulgar! Obscene! We should _not_ be expected to write down such smut as an answer! I'd have to wash my hands for a solid fifteen minutes if I wrote that!" Qui-Gon yelled.

"That was a boy band song, Shaak!" Mace shoved Shaak, "Why didn't you know it?"

"I was…a…um…N*Sync fan. Never really cared for the Backstreet Boys. Now Bye Bye Bye. There's a song!" Shaak said.

"You better not let Adi and Depa find out about this. Probably have a massive cat fight break out." Mace mumbled, "Actually…that might not be such a bad thing…"

Shaak slapped him on the back of the head, "You're such a perv!"

"How exactly is that lyric dirty, Qui-Gon?" Adi baited Qui-Gon.

"Well…how exactly does he want to thank her…it's kind of implied that he wants too…" Qui-Gon just can't bring himself to complete the sentence, "you know…"

"No, I don't know." Adi played dumb, "Maybe he wants to bring her up on stage and give her a rose or a stuffed puppy dog. Or take her out for a delicious but healthy dinner and then go for a little stroll on the beach barefoot. Then take her home and tell her he had a wonderful evening and he'd love to see her again. Then maybe give her a peck on the cheek, if she's okay with it, then make sure she gets into her apartment safely, then drive off to go tell his friends and family that he has met the most amazing girl and he plans to spend the rest of his life with her."

Crickets chirp.

"Well, now that we all know Adi's idea of the perfect date, Qui-Gon why do you think the lyrics are vulgar?" Palpatine wanted to know.

"It's just that the song implies that he wants to thank her in a…physical way." Qui-Gon acted like saying the last two words physically hurt him.

"Well, aren't all thank yous technically physical?" Depa questioned, "I mean if someone says 'thank you' aren't their vocal cords _physically_ moving to produce the sounds required? Or if someone sends you a thank you card, isn't that card a _physical_ entity and doesn't the sender have to _physically_ write it and then _physically_ put it in an envelope and then _physically_ put a stamp on it and then _physically_ walk out to their mailbox, and then _physically_ put it in the mailbox, and then the mail carrier _physically_ picks it up and then…"

"IT IS IMPLYING THAT HE WANTS TO THANK HER BY HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER!" Qui-Gon screamed.

Adi and Depa instantly fainted the second they heard Qui-Gon say 'sexual'. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi were in hysterics. Mace and Shaak's mouths dropped open.

"Qui-Gon…just…said…sexual…on universal television." Shaak stammered, "This…is…the…happiest…day…of…my life." She had tears in her eyes.

"Okay, I'm hoping the editors can take of all of that. I'm just going to read the scores, skip the last music question, give the Lean and Green team a point because the answer to the last question actually was Three Times A Lady, and then we'll go to commercials. Sound good? Awesome." Palpatine said, "The scores are Lean and Green with 2, Springy Velociraptors with 2, and Damsels in Success with 2, and they are rapidly gaining on the Distinguished Duo who have 4 points. Tune in after the break for our next round. The geography round."

"Okay, the cameras are off. Go try to resuscitate Adi and Depa and tell them what Qui-Gon is up to. I'll go tell Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi." Mace told Shaak.

"Okay." Shaak scurried over to the Damsels in Success desk.

"Adi? Depa? Hello? You two want to come back to the land of the living?" She shook the two Jedi but got no response, "Adi? Depa?"

No reply.

"Hmm…okay you two leave me no other choice." Shaak held both of her hands up high, "I've been wanting to do this for years!"

SMACK!

She walloped both Jedi on the back of the head super hard.

"Ow!" Adi cried as she woke up, "Shaak, what's your deal?"

Depa was too stunned to say anything.

"I need to tell you all our plan. You see Qui-Gon signed us up for this…" Shaak started.

"No he didn't." Adi objected, "We signed us up for this."

"What?" Shaak was totally confused, "You two are on this show voluntarily?"

"Yes. You see, we felt like this show needed some fresh faces and a sense of fun. Not just a bunch of boring old Jedi answering a few pointless questions. It needs some silliness here and there. We've actually known the answer to every single question tonight but we gave silly answers to keep it interesting." Depa explained.

"The more I learn about you two…the less I understand you two." Shaak said, "But anyway, we can't let Qui-Gon win. We want to humiliate him on universal TV."

"I think he just did that pretty well himself just now. He did just scream 'sexual' you know." Adi stated.

"Yeah, I know. I was here." Shaak replied rolling her eyes, "Anyway, just don't let Qui-Gon win, okay?"

"You got it chief!" Depa saluted Shaak.

"Don't worry you can always count on us!" Adi saluted Shaak as well.

"Okay then." Shaak turned to walk away and then muttered under her breath, "Maybe I hit you two a little bit too hard…"

She returned to her desk.

"Yoda and Ki are in. They're going to do everything they can to keep Qui-Gon from winning." Mace said once she sat down.

"Adi and Depa are in too…I think. I honestly have no idea what is going on in their tiny little minds." Shaak sighed.

The commercials continued for a few more minutes.

…

After the commercial break came the geography round. Then the movie trivia round. Then the history round. Then it was finally time for the last round which was the grab bag round. Any questions from any categories.

"And as we go into the last round, we have an unexpectedly close race here now." Palpatine said, "Lean and Green, Springy Velociraptors, and Damsels in Success are all tied with 14 points and they are all just two points behind the Distinguised Duo who have 16 points." Palpatine announced, "So let's begin the final round of questions! Our first question is from the history category."

Adi and Depa groaned.

"I thought we were finished with that boring category." Depa whined.

"But you two got all of the questions right in that category." Palpatine pointed out.

"But that doesn't mean we we're happy about it!" Depa pouted.

Palpatine sighed, he's really close to his breaking point, "The question is what is the name of the Sith lord who could prevent people from dying?"

Crickets chirp. Their wee little legs are getting quite the workout tonight!

"Palpy…how do you know what a Sith lord is?" Adi asked.

"I um…I…er…I…" Palpatine started sweating, "I researched it a bit for the show. I figured this would be an easy question for you all."

"Are you sure _you're_ not a Sith lord?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"No…" Palpatine's eyes shot back and forth suspiciously.

"Because if you or someone you love is a Sith lord there is help. You can call the Sith lord hotline at 1-800-555-EVIL." Shaak explained.

"…there's a Sith lord hotline?" Palpatine asked, "Bet that's a pretty boring job."

"It's just one Jedi sitting by a phone all day. We all rotate. Today was Plo's turn. The phone hasn't rung yet. Either there aren't any Sith lords out there or there aren't any Sith lords out there who want us to know about them." Shaak said, "We're not sure which."

"Inspiring." Palpatine said, "Anyway, anybody care to answer the question?"

"We already did while you were getting all sweaty and shifty-eyed." Mace replied.

"Oh…well…um…" Palpatine loosened his collar, "Well, let's see your answers."

" **Darth Plagueis** "

"Darth Plagueis"

"Darth Plagueis"

"Darth Plagueis"

"And it's Darth Plagueis all the way around! Every team gets a point!" Palpatine cheered, "Alright now the third from last question is in the movies category. The question is: What was the name of the skunk in Bambi?"

The teams wrote down their answers.

"Alright. Let's see your answers." Palpatine said.

" **Flower** "

"Flower"

"Flower "

"Bambi is an inappropriate movie therefore I refuse to answer this question"

Palpatine sighed, he was way too tired to deal with this, "Okay Qui-Gon. I'll bite. Why is Bambi inappropriate? The other three teams are correct by the way."

"Is it because the mommy deer dies?" Adi asked.

"Well, yes, that is a part of my problem with the film." Qui-Gon said, "But the main reason it is inappropriate is because at the end when all of the animals have matured they get…you know…"

"No we don't know." Palpatine snipped, "What do they get?"

"…the film calls it 'twitterpated' but I'm pretty sure we all know what they were really implying." Qui-Gon replied.

"No we don't all know what they were really implying!" Palpatine snapped, "Qui-Gon don't you realize that insinuating supposedly inappropriate things is just as bad as actually saying them? So you may as well just say it!"

"I refuse!" Qui-Gon folded his arms.

"You're a sick man, Qui-Gon!" Depa shouted, "You take a sweet little kid's movie like Bambi and immediately focus in one the one possibly sexual aspect of it! You're perverse! I don't want you around the younglings anymore!"

"How did you get any of the questions in the movie category right? I remember questions about Terminator, Alien, Black Swan, and Pulp Fiction. How did you manage to answer those?" Mace wanted to know.

"I actually consulted my teammate for those answers." Qui-Gon said, "I have refused to allow myself to exposed to such vulgar films. But he had seen all of them. Apparently he's quite the movie buff. So I took the duct tape off of his mouth and let him tell me the answers."

"What if he had refused to tell you the answers?" Mace inquired.

"I told him that if he refused I would come to the council chambers every day and read Jedi Master Guidelines for six hours." Qui-Gon smirked.

"That's foul man." Mace shook his head, "You're a sick and twisted individual."

"ENOUGH!" Palpatine yelled, "Points for everyone except freakin' Qui-Gon! So now the other three teams are only one point behind the Distinguished Duo. Second to last question comes from the science category and it reads: What is the copper-rich protein in the blood of squids that gives their blood a blue color when oxygenated?"

"That had a lot of big words in it, Palpy." Depa pointed out.

"Yes. It did." Palpatine replied, "But you can do it! I have the utmost of faith in you…not…"

Depa made a pouty face and wrote down the answer.

"Okay, let's look at the answers." Palpatine said.

" **Hemocyanin** "

"Hemocyanin"

"Hemocyanin"

"Qui-Gon? Where is your answer?" Palpatine wanted to know.

"What? I know I wrote hemocyanin. Why isn't it showing up?" Qui-Gon demanded.

"I'm not sure. Technical difficulties maybe. Let's have someone go check out Qui-Gon's writing template." Palpatine said.

A technician hurried over to Qui-Gon's desk and began messing around with wires.

"Here's the problem." The technician said, "The pen was unplugged. That's why it didn't write anything."

"I demanded a redo! It is not my fault I was provided with lousy equipment!" Qui-Gon snipped.

"Sorry, no redos." Palpatine said, "The only question I have left is the last one. So right now all of the teams are tied!"

The audience gasped.

"BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Qui-Gon yelled, "I wrote the right answer and you know it!"

"No, I don't know it because I can't see it." Palpatine said, "Your pen was unplugged."

"I wonder how that happened." Mace spoke up, "Seems like it would take a lot of effort to unplug one of these."

He glanced over at the heavily duct-taped Eeth Koth who gave him a wink. Later tonight Eeth would explain to Mace that after trying for the entire four hours of filming, he managed to kick the plug on Qui-Gon's pen loose to prevent Qui-Gon from answering.

"Okay ladies and gentlemen. Here is our final question. And it's a very special one because the answer is based on a poll that we sent out last week. This poll asked every citizen in the galaxy who is the most annoying Jedi Master. This is the last question, teams. Whoever answers it correctly wins that chocolate Acklay! According to everyone in the galaxy, who is the most annoying Jedi Master?"

The first three teams had their answer written instantly. Qui-Gon on the other hand just kept writing and writing and writing and writing.

"Qui-Gon there is no reason you should be writing that much." Palpatine said, "Last time I checked the longest Jedi name on record had only 25 characters in it."

"I'm having trouble picking just one Jedi." Qui-Gon replied smartly.

Palpatine just rolled his eyes as Qui-Gon continued to write. Finally Qui-Gon put down his now-plugged-back-in pen and folded his hands neatly on the desk.

"You finished?" Palpatine demanded.

"Yes sir." Qui-Gon said.

"Okay, let's look at the answers." Palpatine said:

" **Qui-Gon Jinn** "

"Qui-Gon Jinn"

"Qui-Gon Jinn (that gray-haired, bearded wanker over there)"

"Mace Windu, Shaak Ti, Depa Billaba, Adi Gallia, Eeth Koth, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Yaddle, Yarael Poof, Oppo Rancisis, Plo Koon, and Saesee Tiin"

"Well ladies and gentlemen, it appears that three of our teams have the correct answer. The other obviously has some denial issues to work out. As everyone but Qui-Gon Jinn knows, Qui-Gon Jinn is the most annoying Jedi in the galaxy. One hundred and ten percent of all the people we surveyed answered "Qui-Gon Jinn" when asked who the most annoying Jedi in the galaxy was. And I say 110% because 10% of the people surveyed believed he was SO annoying that they came back and voted again." Palpatine said, "So it looks like…"

"I object!" Qui-Gon shouted, "That is not a common knowledge question! That is an opinion question!"

"No Qui-Gon, based on what I witnessed here tonight, it's a fact." Palpatine argued, "So for the first time in the history of the Jedi Trivia Bowl, we have a three-way tie between Lean and Green, Springy Velociraptors, and Damsels in Success!"

The crowd went wild! YAY!

"Now the real question is, how will you all divide up that chocolate Acklay?" Palpatine wanted to know.

"We decided that making Qui-Gon look like an idiot repeatedly was reward enough." Mace said, "So we're going to donate that chocolate Acklay to the entire planet! Everybody drop by the temple tomorrow and we'll give you a piece!"

The audience got wilder! Not just because of the offering of free chocolate but because Gene Wilder made his way into the studio…not sure why…maybe he's lost. YAY!

"And Qui-Gon, since you lost you get this lovely, magnificent life-sized cardboard cut-out of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo! I know you will cherish it forever!" Palpatine said.

A stage hand walked out and gave Qui-Gon the cut-out.

"I have never been so humiliated in my life!" Qui-Gon griped, "I was supposed to win! I was supposed to beat those morons! I don't think I can get more humiliated!"

"Oh, I think you can." Palpatine said, "Check out the pop-up action on that cut-out.

…

…

" _ **OH MY WORD**_!"

And with those last three words, Qui-Gon ran out of the studio and into the night, never to be seen again…

…

…

…okay so he will be seen again when we write another chapter. A chapter of this story ain't nothing without some Qui-Gon whining!

So the other Jedi shared their chocolate and it was a happy, happy day for all. The Damsels in Success were offered their own TV show but turned it down because they believed it would interfere with their ability to grow bananas in their coat closet.

…and on that note…

THE END

©7/28/11-7/29/11

Puff'N'Weed

…Google helped too. He's my homie.


	34. The Jedi Council are a bunch of morons who lack basic life skills: Part 19: The Water Park Times

Mace sighed. He'd done that a lot in the last half hour and it did not seem to be having any effect on his current situation. Half an hour ago Qui-Gon Jinn decided to grace the Jedi Council with his presence…and a complaint about how the water in the drinking fountain just outside the third floor women's restroom was about three degrees too cold.

"Qui-Gon, if the water in the fountain outside of the women's restroom offends you so much, why don't you use the one outside of the men's restroom?" Depa asked exasperatedly (we're going to have a little drinking game this chapter. Take a shot whenever someone gets exasperated while talking to Qui-Gon…actually don't do that. We'd hate for y'all to die of alcohol poisoning).

"Yeah, why are you creeping around outside the ladies' room? That's weird!" Plo agreed.

"The fountain is not in the ladies' room it is in the hallway beside the door to the ladies' room. The hallway is public space. Anyone can occupy it." Qui-Gon defended himself.

"Oh really?" Adi smirked, "So, is it okay if some Sith lords decide to chill in the hallway?"

"Of course not!" Qui-Gon shouted.

"What about rabid bears? Can we have rabid bears in the hallway?" Yarael wanted to know.

"No! What I meant was…" Qui-Gon defended himself.

"Nudists! Let's have lots and lots of nudists stand in the hallway!" Shaak contributed to the madness, "Would you have a problem with that, Qui-Gon?"

"YES, I would very much have a problem with that!" Qui-Gon yelled. He took a deep breath to regain his composure, "Masters, I am simply saying that I expect a certain degree of quality to the living conditions here at the temple. I expect there to be a standard for important things like drinking fountain water temperature, floor tile shininess, picture frame straightness, and toilet flush speed and efficiency (?). I am simply saying that by dispensing water that is three degrees cooler than all the other fountains the third floor water fountain just outside the ladies' room is not up to the standards of this facility. I think it should be removed and converted to scrap metal."

Qui-Gon had just said a lot and there were several words with more than four letters so it took the Jedi a few minutes to process exactly what he had said. They sat there and stared at him, mouths slightly agape when Eeth broke the silence.

"Up to the standards of this facility?" He repeated, "Qui-Gon, this is the freakin' Jedi Temple, not a Motel Six! We are not trying to satisfy customers, we are providing a place for Jedi to live and learn the ways of the Force. And one of the main things that the Force entails is focusing on your own inner peace in spite of all the adversity around you."

"I know that." Qui-Gon scoffed, "What's your point?"

"My point is _most_ Jedi…" Eeth continued, "and by 'most' I of course mean literally every Jedi except you, most Jedi have more important things to focus on than water fountain temperature. And they are so focused on the Force and the energies around them that they probably won't even notice slightly cooler water!"

"He's basically saying no one cares, Qui-Gon!" Shaak cried, getting sick of all the talking and long words. This scenario was giving her traumatic flashbacks to The Phantom Menace (even though that hasn't happened yet? And she wasn't in it?), "No one cares and it doesn't matter and I missed The People's Court because of your whining, so get out of here or I will stick your face in that fountain and hold it there until you either drown or freeze to death since apparently it's _that_ cold!"

Everyone stared at Shaak in shock (that kinda rhymes!). Her eyes were wide and her breathing was fast and shallow. All the other Jedi stared at her in slight horror.

"Yeah…remind me to restock the tampon machine in the ladies' room this afternoon." Depa whispered to Adi, "I think we've got a storm coming."

Adi nodded.

Qui-Gon sighed, "Masters. I just don't know how to get through to you all anymore."

"Could he ever really get through to us to begin with?" Mace muttered to Ki-Adi-Mundi.

"Perhaps I need to work on my communication skills." Qui-Gon decided, "I was recently informed, to my shock and surprise, by Obi-Wan that I have a tendency to blame others for my own possible short-comings. Perhaps it is my own inability to communicate the seriousness of this situation that is causing you Masters to fail to understand the detrimental magnitude of the third floor ladies' room water fountain temperature. I shall study up on communicating effectively and return next week."

"Could you give us a time frame when you might be back next week?" Plo asked, "I would hate to be like out on an assignment…or dead…and miss your presentation."

"Next Wednesday at 3:31 pm." Qui-Gon replied.

"Okey-dokey." Plo pulled out his personal planner and wrote 'get robe hopelessly caught in elevator shaft next Wednesday at 3:29 pm'.

"Thank you masters. I shall return." Qui-Gon bowed and left.

"I hate that man." Yoda muttered, "With fire, kill him."

The other masters were kinda worried about this statement. But not really. I mean seriously who cares?

"All this talk about cold water makes me want to go up to that fountain and soak myself in it." Adi decided to direct to conversation away from murder and killing and fire and stuff, "It's getting hot in here."

"So take off all your clothes!" Mace sang. And was promptly swatted on the back of the head with a Gimmer stick.

"Mace. Remember that talk we had last week about workplace harassment?" Yoda asked.

"Yeah. Didn't listen though. Was thinking about cereal." Mace replied, "Anyway, I agree with Adi. It's like a freakin' oven in here. It's almost as hot as my burning rage and hatred for Qui-Gon."

"Well I don't think we'd all fit in the third floor ladies' room water fountain." Shaak said.

"If only there was some place else with water. Cold water." Eeth lamented (ooh fancy wordage!)

At that moment, some Padawans from the Temple's AV department (that's Audio/Video for you whipper-snappers who may be too young to remember such things) burst through the Council chamber doors pushing a large TV on a cart.

"Is today Bill Nye the Science Guy day?" Depa asked, bouncing in her seat.

The other Jedi just stared at her blankly.

"What are you two doing here with that very large television?" Yoda wanted to know.

"You all didn't order it?" One of the Padawans asked.

The other Padawan grabbed a clipboard off the cart the TV was on and started flipping through the papers on it.

"It says right here that the Council chamber requested a TV for 2 pm today." He read.

"Who signed for it?" Mace asked.

"Hmm…" The Padawan looked back down at the clipboard, "Apparently they didn't sign their name. They just wrote 'OK'."

The masters were now puzzled. They hadn't been required to use this much brain power since that really complicated nautical-themed crossword they'd solved on the kid's menu at Red Lobster last week.

"Does it say why we need this TV?" Mace asked.

"Umm…it says 'it is the will of The Force'." The Padawan read.

"Dude!" The other Padawan said, "Way cryptic!"

The masters exchanged looks for a while. Except for Depa. She was curled up in the fetal position crying softly (the only appropriate reaction for someone who was anticipating Bill Nye the Science Guy and then denied it).

"Well, if it's the will of The Force, leave the TV here." Ki-Adi-Mundi decided.

"Okay." One of the Padawans replied as the other one started hooking up the TV, "Have fun watching whatever it is you will be watching!"

The two Padawans hurried off.

The masters stared at the TV for a while.

"Should we…" Plo paused, "…turn it on?"

"I certainly hope it doesn't have some sex ed video left in it." Adi said, "I don't think I could sit through Blossoming Into Womanhood again."

Adi, Depa, Yaddle, and Shaak all shuddered violently.

At that moment the TV turned itself on! :-O

The Jedi all leapt out of their seats and drew their lightsabers.

"Haunted TV! Haunted TV!" Shaak screamed, "Get the salt and gasoline!"

RAITMOTS: Yeah, Puff has been hitting the Supernatural pretty hard lately…

The TV turned to static for about five seconds and then a commercial came on.

An announcer started spouting off questions in quality get-in-as-many-words-as-possible-in-a-30-second-time-slot fashion, "Are you bored? Hot? Dryer than a Tuskan Raider's bum? Then why not come have fun, cool off, and get wet at Splash City Coruscant?"

By now the TV screen was mesmerizing the Jedi with images of happy people in swimsuits going down water slides and splashing in pools.

The announcer continued, "Splash City Coruscant is home to over 50 water rides and attractions. Actually it's probably closer to 100 if you count our lifeguard staff as attractions!"

The screen showed a very tan male lifeguard with the muscular body of an Olympic swimmer wearing a tiny red Speed-O. He grinned and winked at the camera.

"Actually I'd probably count him as a ride." Depa muttered to Adi who nodded in agreement.

RAITMOTS: O_O We…are so sorry. We stopped actually thinking about what we type a long time ago.

The announcer continued, "So what are you waiting for? Come on down to Splash City Coruscant now! Now! Right now! NOW! **AAAAAGGGGHHH**!"

The announcer's intense yelling caused the TV to actually shake. It almost fell off of its tiny cart (thank goodness they put those little seatbelts on those things!).

An address flashed across the screen and the commercial ended. The TV turned itself off.

"Oh…my…sweet…Cheerios." Mace whispered in awe.

"That place…looked…incredible." Oppo gasped.

"We…we have to go there, right?" Plo asked, "This TV and this commercial; they are a sign from The Force that we must go to Splash City, right?"

"Are they allowed to say 'bum' on TV?" Yarael asked to no one in particular.

"Think Plo is right I do." Yoda said, "Go to Splash City we must. The will of The Force it is."

The Jedi cheered!

"Get your swimsuits on. Leave in half an hour we will." Yoda said.

The Jedi stampeded out of the chambers like kids leaving school to start summer break. They raced to their personal chambers to get ready.

…

Half an hour later, the Jedi were ready to go. They piled into two speeders and took off. The drive was relatively uneventful. They got caught in a traffic jam because of construction and their GPS tried to find them an alternate route but ended up putting them on a creepy dirt road that eventually dead-ended (this happened this July to a certain Weed who shall remain anonymous)(I blame that road for us not writing this chapter then. The horror.). Then they had a couple dozen Chinese fire drills. Then one of the speeders malfunctioned and crashed into a bill board for Bailey's (which someone had graffitied a cartoon Old Gregg on). No one was injured and the speeder was still drivable. Then they played the license plate game which of course ended in a lot of obscenities and some mild bloodshed. Then they picked up a Hutt hitchhiker who claimed he was trying to save the world from mutant corn silos with fangs…the five gallon jug of tequila he was carrying made his story slightly less than believable.

So overall a pretty boring trip. Not a lot happened. I've had more eventful trips to the laundromat. (I'm calling shenanigans. I know where you live.)

They arrived at Splash City and parked in the parking lot (betcha didn't see that coming! Shyamalan twist!)

They all literally ran to the front gate and asked for tickets. For good measure Shaak issued the guy at the ticket counter a death threat should he not meet their demands.

Finally, approximately twelve hours after they'd left the Temple, the Jedi were at Splash City (but it's still daylight. They passed through several time zones so it's about 2 pm where they are (2 am back at the Temple). Deal with it!

"What should we ride first?" Yoda asked.

"Well, I don't see the lifeguard from the commercial anywhere…" Adi looked around. Mace shoved her.

She shoved him back. He used the Force to hurl a lawn chair at her. She used to Force to hurl a pretzel cart at him. They were both hauled off by security and thrown into a detention cell for an hour.

The others watched as their colleagues were dragged away.

"Anyone else think we should just head back to the Temple now and leave them here?" Oppo wanted to know.

"I ain't going nowhere until I ride the giant toilet bowl I saw on the commercial!" Depa disagreed.

"Giant toilet bowl?" Eeth repeated, "So we'd be like…pieces of excrement?"

He then glanced around nervously, waiting for Qui-Gon to appear out of nowhere and scold him for using a naughty word. Even though there are much naughtier words he could've used to end that sentence.

"Yep! That's been a lifelong dream of yours, right, Eeth?" Depa chuckled.

"So what Mister Rogers said about never going down the drain…that was all a lie?!" Shaak had tears in her eyes.

Depa hugged her, "Don't worry. The giant toilet bowl sends you down the drain and into a splash pool where sexy lifeguards help you out of your raft. Sound fun?"

Shaak grinned and nodded, "Let's go!"

All the Jedi linked arms ("We're Off To See The Wizard" style!) and skipped off towards the giant toilet bowl.

It was two people per raft. So the Jedi paired up: Shaak and Depa, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda, Eeth and Yarael, Oppo and Yaddle, Saesee and Plo. Is that everyone? I lose track of all these weirdos.

Eeth and Yarael went down first. Naturally, Yarael clonked his head on the top of the first tunnel the inner tube went through and was unconscious for the rest of the ride. Eeth was screaming like he was being murdered. Honestly, he was having the time of his life but evilly, he was trying to scare the small children waiting in line.

After the lifeguards hauled Yarael's unconscious body out of the inner tube it was Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's turn. They went down the slide and their inner tube was spit out into the giant toilet bowl…where it promptly got stuck. For whatever reason they didn't have enough momentum to make it all the way around and down the tube at the center of the bowl. They were stuck behind that tube.

RAITMOTS: This almost happned to Puff and Weed once. Awkward. Maybe don't ride giant toilets with Puff.

The lifeguard at the top of the ride was stumped.

"Are they stuck down there?" Oppo asked.

"It looks that way." The lifeguard replied.

"How do we get them out? Is there like a giant plunger for this thing?" Plo wanted to know.

"No." The lifeguard thought for minute and then went with the only obvious solution, "We'll just have to send more of you down until one of you bumps into them and gets them moving again."

"That sounds…incredibly dangerous." Saesee disagreed.

"That sounds incredible awesome you mean!" Depa cheered.

She and Shaak hopped into their raft and pushed themselves down the slide without even waiting for the lifeguard to tell them it was okay.

They went down the slide and were spit out in the toilet bowl where they went around and around and did eventually crash into Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's inner tube but not with enough force to push them loose. Realizing that wasn't going to work, Shaak reached out her hand in attempt to grab the stuck inner tube and pull it down the drain with hers. But her arm wasn't long enough. She and Depa's inner tube went down the drain and crashed into the splash pool where they were extremely disappointed that while the lifeguards who stopped their inner tube were attractive; they were also female. Shaak and Depa exited the splash pool and sat on a bench to pout their misfortune.

RAITMOTS: Apparently the whole Jedi "no sex" thing has just completely gone out the window by this point.

So, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda were still stuck in the middle of the toilet bowl. Plo and Saesee didn't manage to get them free. It was now down to Oppo and Yaddle. Before going down the slide, Oppo braided his beard into a lasso. Once their inner tube was spit out into the toilet bowl, he whirled it over his head then tossed it at Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's stranded inner tube. It managed to snag one of the handles!

Finally, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's inner tube was pulled down the drain by the power of Oppo's beard.

Beards are mighty powerful. Yes indeed.

Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Oppo, and Yaddle exited the splash pool and met up with the others. What to ride next?

…

Meanwhile in the detention cell…

"I can't believe I'm missing out on the fun because you're an idiot." Adi grumbled at Mace.

"Maybe if you could keep your hormones under control!" Mace snapped, "You act like an out of control teenager!"

"I merely said that a lifeguard I saw on TV was attractive." Adi shrugged, "You were the one who turned it into a shoving match. Why did what I said offend you so much?"

"Well…" Mace stammered, "First of all, we are Jedi and we aren't supposed to be thinking about stuff like that. And second of all…maybe I got a little jealous."

Adi's eyes were the size of grapefruits.

"Say what?!" She squeaked, "Jealous?!"

"Adi." Mace sighed, "Surely not even someone as dense as you can ignore the chemistry between us. Remember how we kinda flirted it up at the end of the Road Trip chapter?"

See Chapter 11 for details! And shrimp! …okay not really shrimp. But definitely details!

By this point Adi could do nothing but stare.

"It's just that…" Mace took a deep breath, "If you are going to choose to ignore the whole 'attachment is forbidden' thing…I just always kinda hoped you'd do it for me."

Adi was still quite stunned. As were the writers. We weren't really expecting this twist either.

"I guess I just never realized you felt that way about me." Adi replied, "I mean you treat me like a total moron."

"I treat like everyone like a total moron." Mace muttered, "It's just my style I guess. I think everyone is moron." He paused, "But you're my favorite moron."

Adi smiled, "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. You're my favorite moron too."

"Thanks Adi. That means a lot to me." Mace grinned, "What do you say we bust out of this cell and go join the other morons?"

"Sounds like a plan!" Adi agreed.

Mace pulled a screwdriver out of his robe and carefully took all of the screws off of the mesh over the window. Without the metal lattice, Adi was able to use a hair clip to pick the lock on the window and push it open. The two of them carefully climbed out the window and scurried off to find their fellow morons.

…

The other morons had made their way over to the body slides. They were waiting in line on a staircase that ended on a deck. At the top of the deck were three different body slides, all three completely enclosed and all three painted black (I've ridden a slide like this…talk about feeling like sewage!)

"I don't know about this. I'm a bit claustrophobic." Plo admitted.

"It's June, Plo." Eeth pointed out, "I don't think we have to worry about running into Santa Claus."

The other Jedi just stared at him like he was an idiot. Which he is, I guess.

"You'll be fine, Plo." Ki-Adi-Mundi assured, "You can't suffocate because you have that masky thingy."

Plo sighed, "Okay. But if I die of a heart attack, you freaks stay away from my funeral."

At that moment Adi and Mace spotted the others and ran up to them, ignoring the glares of people they cut in front of waiting in line. Not sure why they didn't just Jedi mind trick them.

"Did you all have fun in the detention center?" Depa cackled.

"Did they make you write 'I will not use my mind powers to throw pretzel carts at people' on the chalkboard one hundred times?" Shaak added to the taunting.

"No but we did decide that you're all morons." Adi retorted.

"Can't argue with that I guess." Depa shrugged.

Finally the Jedi reached the front of the line. Depa decided to be brave and go down first. Naturally, she pretended like she didn't understand how she was supposed to lay on the slide (with her legs crossed at the ankles and her arms crossed over her chest) just so the lifeguard (who looked somewhat like Joseph Gordon-Levitt) would have to help her.

"No ma'am, cross your arms on your chest, not behind your head." The JGL lifeguard explained.

"Like this?" Depa asked, crossing her arms over her eyes like a person shielding themselves from an explosion.

"Closer but not quite." The JGL lifeguard said, "Over your chest, like a mummy."

"I'm not a mummy but I wouldn't mind being one someday. If I can find the right guy." Depa replied with a wink.

The JGL lifeguard's eyes quadrupled in size. He couldn't have looked more horrified if Depa had funnel-web spiders crawling out of her eye sockets. He took a deep breath to regain his composure.

"Like this." He demonstrated how Depa should cross her arms.

"Oh okay!" Depa said and flung her arms out to the sides, Jack and Rose on the bow of the Titanic style.

The JGL lifeguard apparently has the patience of a saint, "No that's still not quite it." He knelt down beside her, "May I?"

"Absolutely." Depa replied with a grin.

The JGL lifeguard took Depa's wrists in his hands (causing Depa to look up at Adi and Shaak and mouth, "He's touching me!" To which they responded with cheeky grins and silent clapping.) and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Just like that." He said, "Enjoy the ride!"

"I plan to. " Depa replied slyly, "What time do you get off work?"

Unable to stomach anymore of this insane and creepy flirting, Plo stepped forward, put his foot on Depa's shoulder and kicked her down the slide. She screamed profanity at him the entire way down.

"Okay…um…who's next?" The JGL lifeguard asked while contemplating radioing his supervisor and asking whether or not he needed to fill out a workplace sexual harassment report after his encounter with Depa.

Adi and Shaak's hands shot up and the JGL lifeguard looked like a deer in the headlights. Yoda sensed how uncomfortable the lifeguard was at the prospect of being molested again (hell, you didn't have to be Yoda to sense it! The poor lifeguard was clearly about to dive headfirst down the slide with his shirt, shoes, and gear still on) so he volunteered to go next.

"Oldest I am! More likely to die waiting in line than the rest of you!" Yoda explained.

Adi and Shaak looked defeated. Yoda went down the slide, screaming all the way down (Yoda screaming is hilarious!). Once he was at the bottom, a female lifeguard appeared at the top of the slide to relieve the JGL lifeguard so he could take a break…and possibly visit the company psychiatrist.

Adi and Shaak looked even more defeated and each went down the slide with pouty looks on their faces. One by one the Jedi went down the long enclosed tube slide until Mace was the only one left. He sat down on the slide and waited for the lifeguard to give him the signal to go.

At the bottom of the slide, the other Jedi were all talking about how they all nearly suffocated in the hot, dark, enclosed slide. Seriously, have you ever been on a slide like this? Not fun! Not to mention the hydro-wedgies!

"I feel bad for sewage now. I can't imagine going through that every day." Saesee commented.

"Poor sewage." Shaak agreed.

"Maybe someday I will see the bottom of my tankini again." Adi whined as she sat down uncomfortably on a park bench, "It may require surgery but I will see it again."

"Too much info." Plo winced.

The Jedi all turned to the slide to watch Mace come out. But Mace did not come out. A piece of blue fabric did.

"What is that?" Yarael asked.

Eeth scurried over to the splash trough that the slide emptied in to. Instead of emptying into a pool like the toilet bowl slide, this one just spit the rider out into a long trough with about two feet of standing water. The water would slow the rider's decent and they would stop in the trough…unless the rider had too much momentum, in which case I suppose they would just shoot straight off the end of the trough and into the iron fence around the ride. Ouch.

Eeth reached into the trough and pulled out the soaked blue fabric.

…it was Mace's swim trunks.

They had made it to the end of the slide without him.

"What is it?" Shaak called.

With a stunned look on his face, Eeth raised the swim trunks up so the other Jedi could see. They all gasped.

"But if the swim trunks are down here…and Mace is not down here…then…that means…" Adi's voice trailed off.

"HOLY HAMSTER ON A PIANO, MACE IS NAKED SOMEWHERE!" Plo screamed.

The other Jedi screamed as well and started running around in circles. Other park visitors just stared at them and debated calling security.

A few seconds later, Mace emerged from the slide with a big spray of water. He skidded to a stop in the water trough and immediately crossed his arms awkwardly over his lap. He glanced up at Eeth.

"I, um…" Mace started, "I…think you have something that…um…belongs to me."

Eeth nodded frantically and tossed the swim trunks to Mace.

"Alright now, everybody close your eyes!" Mace shouted.

"Why?" Adi asked, "Are you ashamed of your body?"

"No!" Mace snapped, "It's just…this water is cold, man."

Shaak, Depa, Adi, and Yaddle all giggled. The male Jedi nodded in sympathy. Everyone closed their eyes and Mace put his swim trunks back on.

"Alright, what's next?" Mace asked.

"Someone finds me a set of tongs so I can retrieve the bottom of my tankini?" Adi suggested, wincing as she stood up from the park bench.

"Um. Gross." Saesee muttered, "How about the wave pool?"

"Sounds good." Oppo agreed.

"I'm in." Eeth nodded.

"I'll pass." Shaak said, "The urine to water ratio in the average public pool is just too high for my liking. I'm going to go work on my tan."

Everyone stared at her for a bit.

"Yeah, well…don't burn." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "We'd hate for you to get all red."

"I won't." Shaak smiled, "Thanks for your concern, Ki."

Shaak and Yaddle both went off to find some lounge chairs. The others all splashed into the wave pool. Depa, Adi, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, and Yarael all started a game of Marco Polo…which with the Force ability to see with your eyes closed was kind of pointless. Yoda was floating around in a ducky ring sipping a red blended drink with an umbrella in it. Mace, Eeth, Plo, and Saesee all went out to the deep end until they could barely touch the bottom.

"This has been the best day ever!" Eeth said, "I'm so happy the Force willed us to come here."

"Me too!" Plo agreed.

"I'm still suspicious about that TV randomly being sent to us." Saesee confessed, "But I'm still having fun."

Suddenly a foghorn sound filled the air and the swimmers around the Jedi all screamed. Then silence.

"What was that?" Mace wondered.

"I don't know." Eeth replied.

Then there was a loud "whoosh" sound and the four Jedi turned to see an eight-foot tall wall of water rushing towards them.

"Oh yeah, I forgot Splash City's wave pool boasts the tallest man-made waves in the galaxy." Plo said.

"Man-made?" Eeth repeated, "But I thought Rodian engineers built this park?"

Everyone ignored him. The giant wave was now only about ten feet away from the four Jedi.

"So…what do we do?" Saesee asked, slightly frantic.

Mace looped his arm around Saesee's and then his other around Eeth's. Eeth looped his other arm around Plo's arm. The four Jedi stood there, arms linked, facing the approaching wall of water.

"Gentlemen, it has been a privilege protecting the galaxy with you." Mace said.

The wave hit them. They all lost their grips on each other and were shoved backwards as though they were hit by an invisible bus. For a few slightly horrifying seconds they were completely out of control of their bodies, mercilessly being dragged by the water. Then the four of them emerged about ten feet away from their previous standing spot and a few feet away from each other. They all exchanged looks.

"That…was…" Plo stammered, "Freakin' AMAZING!"

Mace, Eeth, and Saesee cheered in agreement.

RAITMOTS: Puff witnessed four dudes do this last time she was at a water park. It was hilarious!

The wave had little or no effect on the Jedi in the shallow end of the pool. However the force of it caused the umbrella to fall out of Yoda's drink.

"No. No. No. No." Yoda objected.

Mace, Eeth, Plo, and Saesee did their little "human chain" thing for a few more giant waves. Then all of the Jedi decided to leave the wave pool.

They rode a few more slides and re-rode the toilet bowl twice. Then they decided to ride one last ride before the park closed. They chose the park's new water coaster. Four riders sat bob-sled style in a raft then went down the slide. But unlike other slides, the water coaster had jets of water which were able to push the rafts uphill again. Like a rollercoaster. Hence the name water coaster. But you smart readers had that figured out already, right? Super fun!

The Jedi all stood in line and argued about who was going to ride with who. Then Yoda spotted his mortal enemy. The thing Yoda feared more than anything else. A "you must be this tall to ride" sign. And he was a good six inches too short.

"What am I going to do?" Yoda thought to himself, "Mind trick the lifeguard I cannot. Dishonest that would be. Hmm…"

Then he got an idea.

"Need to go back to the locker I do. Be back in a few minutes I will." He said and hurried off.

A few minutes later Yoda returned with Mace's brown Jedi cloak.

"What are you doing with that?" Mace wanted to know.

"Need it I do. Too short for this ride I am." Yoda explained.

"And this affects my cloak how?" Mace asked.

"Yaddle, on my shoulders get." Yoda said.

Yaddle hopped up and stood on Yoda's shoulders. She put her head in the hood and then covered her body and Yoda's with the rest of the cloak.

"But my robe is gonna get wet, man!" Mace objected.

"Care about your robe getting wet you do not." Yoda waved his hand in front of Mace's face.

"Care about my robe getting wet I do not." Mace repeated.

"Buy Yoda a burrito you will when back to the temple we get." Yoda added.

"Buy Yoda a burrito I will when back to the temple we get." Mace repeated.

…So mind-tricking a random lifeguard is dishonest but mind-tricking Mace is a non-issue? Oh; Yoda logic!

Finally the Jedi were at the front of the line. Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, Eeth, and Plo would be in one raft. Mace, Adi, Shaak, and Depa would in another raft (poor Mace). And Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle (and the concealed Yoda) would be in a third raft. Got that?

"Excuse me." The lifeguard at the top of the ride said to Yaddle, "Are you sure you want to wear your robe on this ride? It is going to get wet."

"Part of my religion it is." Yaddle replied quickly, "Take it off ever I cannot. Bathe in it I do!"

"Um. Okay then." The lifeguard said, "Who's first?"

Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, Eeth, and Plo went down first and had an awesome time. Mace, Adi, Shaak, and Depa went down next and somehow managed to get their raft turned around so they came out of the tunnel at the end backwards. The lifeguards were all impressed.

Finally it was Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle, and (unbeknownst to the lifeguards) Yoda's turn. They sat down with the lightest, Yaddle, in front and then went down. Well apparently not only was there a minimum height requirement for this ride, there was also a minimum weight requirement per raft.

And this raft was too light therefore Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle, and Yoda were all tossed out of the raft on the first hill.

The other Jedi were waiting for their friends next to the splash pool.

"Shouldn't they have come out by now?" Shaak asked, mildly concerned.

"Yeah, I didn't think the ride lasted that long." Adi agreed.

At that moment an empty raft shot out of the tunnel and into the splash pool. Everyone around the pool looked very confused.

"Haunted raft! Haunted raft!" Shaak screamed, "Get the salt and gasoline!"

RAITMOTS: My name is Puff and I am a Supernatural-o-holic.

A few seconds later a flailing and cursing brown robe shot out of the tunnel and crashed into the pool. Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle, and Yoda's heads all surfaced from the water. They were all mildly beaten up after having gone down the slide without a raft. Those water jets can give you a beating. Yes sir. (Someone's speaking from experience, here.)

"Are you alright?" A lifeguard asked as she ran over.

"I'd be better if you could give me that guy who works at the body slide's number." Depa replied.

The lifeguard stared at her, "I was talking to them." She pointed to the people in the pool.

"I know." Depa said, "But seriously, what's his number?"

The lifeguard rolled her eyes and turned back to the beat up people.

"I think we're okay." Yarael said, "Just a bit traumatized."

"Thank goodness." The lifeguard said, "We can't afford another lawsuit this year. If you all need anything, the first aid kiosk is by the front gate. Otherwise have a great day."

She scurried off.

"That's what y'all get for disregarding safety rules." Mace snipped, "And it serves you right for mind-tricking me and stealing my robe!"

"The park is closing guys." Adi spoke up before a fist fight could break out, "I think it's time to leave."

"Yeah. I hate to go but it's been a great day!" Depa said.

The others nodded in agreement. They changed back into their robes, piled into the speeders, and drove home. The ride home was relatively uneventful. They got caught in a traffic jam for an hour because a Goodyear blimp had crash-landed on the road. Then they got pulled over by a cop who just wanted to compliment them on how safely they were driving and gave them all gold star stickers. Then they were flagged down by an ice cream truck driver broken down on the side of the road who was worried his entire load of merchandise would melt before he could reach his destination so he gave them all free ice cream. Then a random Spider-Man impersonator jumped off of an overpass and onto one of the speeders. But then he realized he had the wrong speeder and they weren't bad guys and he was embarrassed, so they gave him ice cream and he felt better and hopped off the roof of the speeder to find the real bad guy. Then a mutant corn silo with fangs grabbed one of the speeders and was about to slam it into a brick wall when the Hutt hitchhiker they'd picked up earlier appeared out of nowhere with a flamethrower and burned the mutant corn silo to ashes. They gave him ice cream to show their gratitude.

So you know, a pretty uneventful trip. I had a more exciting trip to the grocery store this morning.

Okay with all the time zone madness, the Jedi arrived back at the temple a little after midnight…two days after they'd left? Is that right? I can't math! It's late when they get back to the temple! That's all that matters! And even that doesn't matter that much. (?)

The Jedi all showered, then turned in for the night. They were all exhausted after their crazy day and they knew they'd have to deal with Qui-Gon's wraith the next day since they'd taken off unexpectedly.

…

The next morning the Jedi were all still tired, but still had to sit in their chambers. As expected, Qui-Gon showed up bright and early looking most distressed.

"Yes Qui-Gon, I know we were off having fun while the third floor women's restroom water fountain was trying to give you hypothermia but seriously, grow a pair and get over it!" Mace said grumpily.

"What?" Qui-Gon sounded genuinely confused, "Oh no, masters the situation I must discuss with you is much more serious than that!"

"I'm way too tired to sarcastically try and guess what you're going to whine about so just go ahead and tell us." Tired Depa is impatient Depa.

"Obi-Wan is no longer my apprentice and according to temple records he never was!" Qui-Gon cried.

"What?" Yoda asked while munching a breakfast burrito Mace had purchased for him for some 'unknown' reason, "Come again?"

"There is no record of Obi-Wan having ever been my apprentice! It says he has been Master Hazza's apprentice since he started training!" Qui-Gon yelled, "How could this have happened?! He is my apprentice, correct?! I'm not losing my mind, am I?!"

"It would take hours to erase all of that information from the temple records." Ki-Adi-Mundi thought aloud.

"Hours?" Shaak repeated, "Heck, I think it would take like two days."

"Or maybe…" Adi spoke up, "It would take as long as it takes to drive to Splash City, have a super-awesome fun day, and then drive back?"

The other Jedi all exchanged knowing glances. It all suddenly seemed so clear.

"Well, Qui-Gon, I think you're definitely losing your mind." Mace said, "I'm gonna send you to the temple shrink so she can lock you in a room with nice fluffy walls."

"WHAT?!" Qui-Gon screamed, "Masters, you cannot be serious! You know as well as I do that Obi-Wan Kenobi has been my apprentice for well over ten years! Clearly someone has tampered with the temple records!"

"Qui-Gon, you know as well as we do that it would take an experienced hacker days to break into the temple records and delete that much information." Saesee said.

"And Master Hazza will be most displeased when he finds out you're trying to steal his apprentice." Eeth added.

"WHAT?!" Qui-Gon was getting pretty furdigflatchy by this point.

"Qui-Gon, I'm going to tell you one more time to go down and see Dr. Josser so she can give you the help you need. These outbursts are making me begin to worry that you are a threat to yourself and others. If you do not head down to Dr. Josser's office by the time I count to three, I am going to call temple security and have them escort you down there." Mace said.

"But!" Qui-Gon started.

"One." Mace counted.

"Masters, I…" Qui-Gon squeaked.

"Two." Mace continued, ignoring him completely.

"This isn't…" Qui-Gon yelled.

"Thr…" Mace started.

Qui-Gon took in an angry breath, then stormed out of the temple to the temple psychiatrist's office. Where he will hopefully be locked in a padded cell until the end of time…but truthfully we'll probably have him out by the next chapter. Can't have the Jedi Council Behind the Scenes without some Qui-Gon complaining!

As soon as Qui-Gon was out of sight, a very sheepish-looking Obi-Wan appeared in the doorway of the temple chambers.

"Hello masters." He said softly, "I guess you all figured it out then."

"I think we did, Mr. OK." Mace replied.

"Sending us off to a water park, so we would be out of the way while you hacked into the temple records and erased any proof that you are now or have ever been Qui-Gon's apprentice." Adi said, "Pretty smart, Kenobi."

"It was the will of the Force." Obi-Wan smiled sadly, "It's not going to work though, is it?"

"Probably not." Ki-Adi-Mundi answered with a sigh, "Even with the electronic records erased, there is still evidence that you are his apprentice. Other planets where you two had missions together no doubt have a record of your presence. And I know we have paperwork on every Jedi here down in the basement. In the event of an electronic system crash."

"I would estimate it will take about a week for Qui-Gon to escape his padded cell and find evidence that you are his apprentice." Depa told Obi-Wan.

"Oh. Okay then." Obi-Wan said, turning to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Yoda asked.

Obi-Wan turned back to them, "To have the best darn week of my life!"

"Wait a minute!" Shaak called, "I have one more question. Where was Qui-Gon while you were erasing the records?"

"I um…slipped sleeping pills into his tea." Obi-Wan confessed.

"Brilliant." Shaak giggled, "Okay. I guess now you can go have some fun."

Obi-Wan turned to leave again.

"Obi-Wan!" Mace called after him.

Obi-Wan turned back again.

"Thanks for sending us somewhere fun while you did your evil plan instead of just drugging us." Mace said.

"You're welcome, masters." Obi-Wan smiled, "I figured you all were just as fed up with Qui-Gon as I am, so you deserved a little vacation."

"Darn right." Depa muttered.

"Well. Thanks again." Plo said to Obi-Wan, "Now go! This week will be over before you know it!"

Obi-Wan ran down the hall.

"So Obi-Wan is a brilliant criminal mastermind." Adi said.

"Yeah. Thank goodness he's on our side!" Eeth cackled.

The Jedi laughed all cheesy like the end of an episode of The Brady Bunch.

* * *

We'll see ya next time!

THE END!

7/11/12-11/14/12

Puff n' Weed


	35. The Jedi Council Part 20: Grocery Shopping 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puff hates whipped cream. Puff went to McDonalds this evening and ordered a Frappe. Puff was told they were out of whipped cream thus could not put any on the top of Puff's Frappe. Puff naturally viewed this amazingly positive twist of fate as a sign that she must begin work on a new chapter of The Jedi Council.
> 
> So after sending Weed a picture of her cheese grater, Priscilla, Puff began writing. (A cheese grater, guys. I'm in the middle of DragonCon and Puff is sending me pictures of cheese graters. What the hell?)
> 
> Puff likes talking in the third person because it makes the voices in her head happy.
> 
> And now The McDonalds Is Out Of Whipped Cream Thus Cannot Top Your Frappe With It But That's Totally Awesome With You Because You Hate Whipped Cream Anyway Gods present for your reading pleasure…

To say Mace Windu was annoyed would be the equivalent of saying that Japanese tree squirrels were only kind of cute. An understatement of epic proportions.

Why was Mace in such a state you ask? Have you read the other 19 installments of this series? Why is Mace usually in this state?

Qui-Gon Jinn of course!

What was Qui-Gon whining about today? We're getting to that! Gosh you're impatient!

"Masters, I cannot fathom why the cafeteria workers thought this was a good idea." Qui-Gon complained, "Their complete disregard for the health and wellbeing of the Jedi in this temple is deeply troubling. If we let this incident go without reprimand, I fear the worst is yet to come."

RAITMOTS: Kudos to the thesaurus for giving Puff the word 'reprimand'. Ain't heard that word since the 'Part of Your World' song in The Little Mermaid!

"Masters, I beg you to take action and correct this great injustice." Qui-Gon finished his speech, folded his note cards, tucked them away in his robe, and folded his hands as he waited for the Masters' response to his desperate plea.

Ki-Adi-Mundi took in a slow deep breath in an attempt to compose himself. He was so furious you could fry an egg on his head. Heck, you could probably fry a dozen eggs! Dude got a big head!

"Qui-Gon, just to clarify." Ki-Adi-Mundi said with a calmness that amazed the other masters, "The 'great injustice' for which you want the cafeteria workers to be reprimanded is that they used regular spinach instead of baby spinach in the salads yesterday?"

"Precisely." Qui-Gon replied.

"Okay, first off, how the crap could you tell the difference seeing as how they chop the spinach for the salads?" Eeth wanted to know.

Qui-Gon opened his mouth to respond.

"Nevermind!" Ki-Adi-Mundi interrupted, "We really don't need to know that. Let's not drag this out any longer. Let's just cut to the chase here. Qui-Gon, when you spoke to the cafeteria workers, did they have a reason for using regular spinach instead of baby spinach?"

"Yes." Qui-Gon replied.

"And what was that reason?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"They said there was an E. coli outbreak on the other side of the planet and it was traced back to their produce supplier's baby spinach. All of the baby spinach had to be recalled thus they were unable to acquire any for the salads yesterday." Qui-Gon explained.

"Now to me that sounds like a pretty reasonable excuse for them to not have baby spinach." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "You don't want everyone here to get E. coli do you, Qui-Gon?"

"Of course not!" Qui-Gon answered quickly, "But that is entirely beside the point. Should their usual produce supplier be unable to provide them with baby spinach they should be able to find a supplier who can."

"They probably didn't have time to do that." Adi spoke up, "They needed to make the salads. They didn't have time to search for another supplier and place another order."

"That shows nothing but laziness and apathy." Qui-Gon disagreed, "If the cafeteria workers truly cared about our health, they would've found a way to acquire baby spinach. Furthermore, they should have a back-up plan in place in the event of situations like this."

"They did have a back-up plan!" Mace scoffed, "They used regular spinach!"

"Not a suitable substitute." Qui-Gon objected.

"Would you rather have had NO SALAD AT ALL?!" Depa borderline screamed.

"Down, Depa." Ki-Adi-Mundi said calmly, placing a restraining hand on Adi's shoulder.

No one had any idea how Ki-Adi-Mundi was keeping his cool. Maybe he'd been hitting the painkillers again like he did in Part 4.

"Qui-Gon." Ki-Adi-Mundi continued, "You have given us all of your information. Presented your case as it were. Now I'm going to share a little piece of information with you. Regular spinach has fewer calories than baby spinach. And it contains fiber which baby spinach does not. Which would actually give regular spinach a slightly higher nutritional value than baby spinach. But overall these differences are so minute they don't really make a difference."

The other Jedi's jaws dropped and they stared at Ki-Adi-Mundi in shocked awe. Ki-Adi-Mundi smirked proudly. He minored in Nutrition in college. He was convinced this moment was the sole reason he'd chosen to do so. Fate and destiny and The Will of the Force, all that crap.

RAITMOTS: I legit researched spinach nutritional values for this. If I had showed that much commitment in college I'd be making a lot more money right now. (But probably working with fewer fuzzy feathery animls.)

Qui-Gon scrunched his face up in annoyed thought.

"I suppose I will forgive the spinach substitution this time. But next time I cannot promise any leniency." Qui-Gon said, "I will be monitoring the cafeteria workers very closely. I will report my findings to you every Thursday. Good day."

And with that, Qui-Gon bowed and left the chamber.

"Master Yoda, can I be excused from the chamber every Thursday until the end of time?" Adi asked.

"Nope." Yoda replied, "Suffer through it together we will."

At that moment the phone in the chamber started ringing. Yoda answered it.

"Hello?" He said then listened to the person on the other line, "What? Why?" He paused again, "But resolved the issue we have." Pause, "If feel that way you truly do, so be it." He hung up the phone.

The other masters were staring intently at him.

"The cafeteria manager that was." Yoda told them, "Angry about Qui-Gon's complaint he is."

He continued in his sullen 'Begun the Clone Wars have' voice.

"On strike the cafeteria staff has gone." He said.

"But who's gonna make food?" Shaak asked, "Jedis gotta nom!"

The stupidest thing ever written, ladies and gentlemen!

"Make the food we will." Yoda replied, "Time to hire and train new staff before breakfast tomorrow we do not."

"Can't we just order pizza and Chinese takeout until the strike is over?" Oppo suggested.

"Oh yeah there's no way Qui-Gon would complain about that." Depa muttered sarcastically.

"Well if we're gonna do this, we need a game plan. I saw half of us get the necessary groceries and the other half cook." Mace said.

"We get to go grocery shopping?!" Shaak squeaked excitedly.

"Um…yeah?" Mace replied, not understand her enthusiasm.

"The time has come!" Shaak shoved her hand down the collar of her robe.

"NO Shaak! " Depa shrieked, "We don't want a repeat of last year's Christmas party!"

…Shaak tends to lose what little modesty she has whenever coconut rum is involved. After last year's Christmas party the rest of the Council is never sure what to expect when Shaak reaches into her robe.

"…I wouldn't mind a repeat of last year's Christmas party." Pervert Eeth muttered and was promptly thwacked with a Gimmer stick.

"No you idiots!" Shaak scoffed, "That was a once in a lifetime event."

"Good thing most of us had our camera phones out then." Mace mumbled.

"ANYWAY!" Shaak yelled, "As I was trying to say before your minds inevitably leaped into the gutter: I have something here that will make our grocery shopping much easier and more cost effective."

Shaak pulled a gigantic three-ring binder out of her robe. It was so stuffed that it looked as though just one more page would make it explode.

"You just keep that in your robe?" Adi said, "Thing looks like it wears forty pounds!"

That's 18.14 kilograms for you non-American readers. No metric in 'Murica!

"Well I never know when I'm gonna need it, do I?" Shaak defended herself.

"Depends. What's in it?" Plo wanted to know.

"COUPONS!" Shaak exclaimed.

Pretty sure that's 'voucher' for you European readers. How can English be two different languages?

"Er. Okay." Depa said, "I've used a coupon before. I understand the concept. I do not understand why you need forty pounds of them."

"Extreme couponing, you uncultured bantha!" Shaak insulted, "Haven't you ever seen it on TV? People will clip a crap-ton of them then take them all to the store and end up getting $400 worth of merchandise for like $3*. And that's on a bad day! I've seen people on TV actually get paid by the store to take items."

*That's 256.57 pounds worth of merchandise for 1.92 pounds for our British readers. Or 40048 yen worth of merchandise for 300.36 yen for our Japanese readers. Or two cows, a pig, and three goats worth of merchandise for three chickens for our readers in third world countries (if you're one of them, please PM us and let us know how many cows it takes to purchase Internet service in your country. We are curious).

…This is what sleep deprivation does to Puff.

Anyway. Shaak was explaining the concept of extreme couponing to the idiot Council.

"I've seen that show." Mace spoke up, "Them people are crazy! They make shopping a sport. Shopping is a time to acquire more cereal. A peaceful wonderful time. I say we go grocery shopping like normal people, make sure we buy some marshmallows, then we can burn that big ol' binder of yours, and roast marshmallows over it."

"No way, baldy!" Shaak clutched her precioussssss binder to her chest, "I spent almost a year gathering these coupons. No way I'm gonna let you burn them! Trust me, extreme couponing is awesome."

"I'm not convinced." Mace said, not convinced.

"Would you be convinced if I told you I have enough coupons here to get thirty boxes of Cheerios for just 35 cents*?" Shaak offered.

*Let's just say that's less than a dollar. No more math!

Mace squinted his eyes skeptically, "What kind of Cheerios?"

"It says 'any flavor'." Shaak bribed.

"I'm convinced!" Mace said, convinced.

"Okay." Yoda spoke up, "Shaak, Mace, Eeth, Depa, and Shaak's giant binder go shopping. Get everything organized and later cook Oppo, Adi, Yareal, Yaddle, Plo, and I will."

"How about you work on your word ordering a little too?" Eeth suggested, "That kinda sounded like you were gonna cook Oppo, Adi, Yareal, Yaddle, Plo, and yourself."

"What?" Yoda said, "Realize that I did not. Sorry I am. A cannibal I am not."

"Much better word ordering there." Eeth rolled his eyes.

"Come on people!" Shaak cheered, "We must go shopping! Last one to speeder is a cereal-obsessed bald man!"

"You implying I'm gonna be last?" Mace demanded, "I'll show you!"

Mace stood up from his seat and tried to take off running…but fell flat on his face because Shaak had tied his bootlaces to his chair while Qui-Gon had been ranting a few pages ago.

Eeth, Depa, and Shaak all laughed hysterically as they ran past Mace to the speeder. Mace cursed loudly as he struggled to untie his bootlaces. When he was finally free he took off after the other Jedi. Still cursing loudly. Because that's what Samuel L Jac…er…Mace Windu does!

* * *

Tune in soon for the next exciting installment of The Jedi Council Part 20: Grocery Shopping 101

…


	36. Chapter 20: Part 2: Grocery Shopping 101

Fifteen minutes later, the Jedis' speeder arrived at the grocery store. The drive would take normal people about seven minutes but the Jedi passed a lot of shiny things and were thus distracted several times.

They were, however, smart enough to take Yoda's speeder which was equipped with a handicapped parking tag and thus allowed them to park very close to the store. This would make loading up the insane amount of groceries they planned on purchasing much easier.

"Okay, so let's start at the produce and then work our way around the store." Mace suggested.

"Or we could split up. Each of us tackle a different section." Depa suggested.

"OR you could all shut up!" Shaak shouted, "I hold the coupon binder therefore I decide what we're gonna do! "

Eeth, Mace, and Depa just stared at her.

"Okay. So what's the plan?" Eeth asked.

"Grab a cart and follow me, peasants!" Shaak ordered as she snatched a cart away from the store's elderly greeter and galloped off towards the produce.

The other three Jedi sighed, apologized to the greeter for their companion's rudeness, then each took a cart and headed after Shaak. They stopped in front of the bagged salad display fridge.

"Watch and learn, underlings. Now we're gonna need a crap ton of spinach to make salads." Shaak started, "Ordinarily baby spinach is $1.99 a bag. But as you can see from this little yellow tag, the spinach is on sale this week for just $1.97 a bag. And I just so happen to have forty coupons here for $1.95 off of selected bag salads. So we will be able to get forty bags of spinach for just two cents a bag!"

"That's highway robbery." Eeth muttered, "And we wonder why poor farmers are so poor."

Shaak shrugged, "Their loss. Anyway! On to the next!"

"Hey couldn't we get some carrots to go in the salads?" Depa asked, "Says here they're buy ten and get ten free."

Shaak chuckled. "Oh Depa. Sweet naïve little Depa. Buy something and get something free deals are never worth it. You have much to learn in the world of couponing, young padawan. Besides carrots are not on my list."

Shaak piled forty bags of spinach into her cart. The Jedi continued on their way.

"Young padawan." Depa muttered, "I'm older than her!"

They stopped in the canned goods aisle.

"Now canned goods are already a pretty good deal." Shaak said, "Especially if you're willing to buy lower grade canned fruits and vegetables. The more you're willing to sacrifice taste, visual appeal, and digestibility the more money you can save!"

"I remember reading somewhere that fruits and vegetables with grades lower than C were questionable at best for human consumption…" Eeth pointed out.

"Oh Eeth. Adorable childlike Eeth. That's all a conspiracy made up by stores to try and get people to buy higher grade foods. They wouldn't sell it here if people couldn't eat it." Shaak said.

"They sell bleach here…" Mace mumbled.

Shaak either didn't hear him or ignored him and continued, "Anyway! We need kidney beans for the chili on tonight's menu. Now the grade A kidney beans cost 85 cents for a 15 ounce can. Absurd. For that price the beans better be able to give me a manicure."

The other three Jedi just stared at her. Seriously what else can you do when someone is completely losing their mind before your eyes?

"The grade B kidney beans are 75 cents for a 15 ounce can and the grade C kidney beans are 50 cents for a 15 ounce can." Shaak read, "Again, insanely overpriced. Pretty sure only millionaires can afford to eat this well. BUT if you look down on the bottom shelf you find these beauties."

Shaak lifted a huge can of beans off of a lower shelf and plopped it into Mace's cart.

"This 128 ounce can of grade T kidney beans is on sale for just 5 cents. One nickel. For this much food." Shaak explained.

Depa eyed the can, "Shaak the label says consuming more than the recommended serving amount of these beans can cause strokes and intestinal failure."

"That's a nonissue because we won't be giving anyone more than the recommended serving amount. We're gonna water this chili down like it's a church on fire!" Shaak chirped.

"Holy crap." Mace rolled his eyes.

"Don't just stand there like a bunch of double amputee tauntauns! We need twenty of these cans! Load 'em up!" Shaak ordered.

The Jedi sighed but obeyed. They were definitely questioning Shaak's mental stability right now and didn't want to risk ticking her off.

"Now normally I would pay $1 dollar for all twenty of these cans. But I ain't made of money. I have twenty coupons for 10 cents off of any 128 ounce can of grade T kidney beans. So you know what that means?" Shaak asked.

"You're probably at high risk for getting paper cuts?" Depa guessed.

"No!" Shaak scolded, "It means that for each of these cans, the store is going to pay ME 5 cents! That's right; the store is going to pay ME for taking their merchandise! It should be illegal."

"Probably is…" Eeth whispered to Mace, "Pretty sure the "T" in "grade T" stands for "toilet" because that's where you're going to spend a lot of time after eating them."

"So I will earn $1 by purchasing twenty cans of beans. Are you all amazed yet?" Shaak wanted to know.

"I'm…something." Depa replied, "Not sure 'amazed' is the right word for it."

"Now for the tomato paste we'll need for the chili." Shaak walked a little bit further up the aisle. She then lifted a freaking GIGANTIC can of tomato paste and plopped it into Mace's cart. The cart's wheels creaked in protest.

"This 640 ounce can of grade X tomato paste is 12 cents." Shaak informed, "And unfortunately it isn't on sale right now. I have three coupons that will save us 9 cents per can but like it or not we will still have to pay 3 cents a piece for three cans of tomato paste. Absurd isn't it?"

"Shaak the label on this can says grade X tomato paste is only recommended for industrial varnishing and removing rust from rain gutters." Depa read.

"We're going to be watering it down. Stop worrying so much!" Shaak said.

"We're all gonna die." Mace whispered to Eeth.

"I heard that!" Shaak shouted, "When you see our receipt you're going to eat those words!"

"Better those words than this toxic chili you're planning." Mace retorted.

Shaak shook her head and continued down the aisle. It took both Mace and Eeth to move the cart with all the cans in it.

The madness continued for an hour. Shaak was able to purchase 33 boxes of corndogs for just 25 cents. And still claimed that was too much. She then bought 155 2-liter bottles of Pinnacle Deliquescence (an extremely generic rip-off of Mountain Dew) for just 15 cents. And wasn't happy about it. She got 120 bags of chips for FREE. And still said she could do better. She also got 500 (yes, 500. That's not a typo) travel-sized cups of mini Oreos for -$5. Yes, the store was going to have to pay her $5 for buying an insane amount of Oreos. She was pleased with this outcome.

…

Meanwhile back at the Temple…

Yoda and the other Jedi were preparing to serve lunch. Fortunately the cafeteria staff had already prepared most of the food before their strike. So the Jedi pretty much just had to hand out sandwiches and fruit cups and pasta salad. Simple enough, right? Well, remember who we're dealing with here.

Yoda was wearing an apron that read "The Cook You Must Kiss" and a hairnet. Because a hairnet is so necessary for Yoda. For ear hair perhaps? His job was to make sure everything ran smoothly. So far so good.

"Good to know PB&J is still just as popular as ever among the younglings." Oppo said. He was on sandwich duty. Serious business.

"Running a little low on fruit cups here, Yoda." Adi called, "Only about fifteen left. And Master Gububble hasn't been here yet.

Master Gububble was a Hutt. Of massive proportions. Even for a Hutt.

"Get more from the back I will." Yoda said.

He made his way back to the fridge and to his utter HORROR saw that there were only six fruit cups left!

"Chop up more fruit I must." He said, "Plo! Come help me make more fruit cups."

Plo made his way into the kitchen. He and Yoda got to slicing. They were pretty darn good at it. Lightsaber practice ain't just for fighting, ya know!

"Okay. Now assemble the cups we will. Apples, cantaloupe, and grapes I have." Yoda said as he carefully distributed the fruits into plastic cups.

"And I've got honey dew, strawberries, and tomatoes." Plo said as he did the same.

"What?" Yoda questioned, "Put tomatoes in the fruit cups you did?"

"They're a fruit, ain't they?" Plo pointed out.

"Yes but…they don't go with the other fruits." Yoda explained.

"Guys!" Adi shouted from the serving area, "I need those fruit cups, STAT!"

"Taking this a bit too seriously I think Adi is." Yoda sighed.

"Uh oh, Master Gububble just entered the cafeteria." Plo observed, "No time to make more fruit cups! We're gonna just have to go with these and hope no one notices the tomatoes."

Yoda wasn't happy with this decision but knew it was their only choice. They took the fruit cups up to Adi. She was immediately disgruntled.

"Tomatoes? Seriously?" She scoffed.

"Hello Master Gallia." Master Gububble greeted, "Fine day isn't it?"

"Yes. How are you, Master Gububble?" Adi asked.

"Hungry!" Gububble said with a laugh.

Adi laughed too as she placed fifteen fruit cups on his tray.

"Thank you. Have a good one!" Gububble said as he slithered away.

"You too!" Adi called then turned to Plo and Yoda, "Okay guys, I shoved most of them fruit cups off onto Gububble. He's going to inhale them so fast he won't even taste them. Gonna need some more now. And hold the tomatoes this time!"

"There ARE a FRUIT!" Plo objected, "Don't understand what the problem is!"

Yoda dragged him back into the kitchen for more chopping.

…

Shaak, Depa, Mace, and Eeth had been shopping hard for three hours and had filled eight carts. Fortunately the store was nice enough to let them park a few carts at the front of the store so they didn't have to drag them all over.

"Okay we are almost done, guys!" Shaak exclaimed, "Then we just have to check out. That's where you'll be truly amazed!"

The other three Jedi were so tired that they didn't even have a sarcastic response. They followed Shaak mindlessly down a few more aisles and watched as she filled their carts with tons of stuff and rambled on about the savings. They finally stopped in front of the meat cooler.

"Our last stop!" Shaak said, "Sad to see a journey come to an end, isn't it?"

The other Jedi just stared at her.

"Don't you worry though. The most exciting part is yet to come!" Shaak cheered.

The other Jedi just stared at her.

"Who am I? Where am I? What time is ferret?" Depa said in a dazed tone.

"We just need some hotdogs. And by some I mean 160 packages!" Shaak explained as she tossed a package of hotdogs into Eeth's cart.

Mace picked up the package and read it, "Shaak, these are Miss Syndee's Hotdogs."

"I know. And they're on sale for $1.50 a package but with my coupon and shopper's club card we can get them absolutely free!" Shaak replied.

"I don't care if they're free; we CAN'T buy Miss Syndee's Hotdogs." Mace objected, "First off their logo is the silhouette of a stripper on a pole. What's that all about? And second of all they are currently being investigated due to questionable ingredients and hygiene practices."

"I remember reading about that." Depa spoke up as she looked at the package, "Sweet crap on a cracker these ingredients are terrifying! 'Organ meats from various mostly quadruped mammals, lard, chicken beaks, eyes but not from potatoes, lard, rectums, bi-products from other hotdog companies, factory worker sweat, lard, sodium hypochlorite, flavorings, tongues, metal phosphides, and oh here's a surprise; more lard'."

"Delicious!" Shaak quipped, "Come on guys, everyone knows that all hotdogs are nothing but the parts of animals no one wants and chemicals. I don't see why Miss Syndee's are under fire."

"In the past year five deaths were linked to consuming Miss Syndee's hotdogs." Eeth read off a news article he had brought up on his smart phone.

"I'm sure more deaths were linked to improperly cleaned vegetables!" Shaak disagreed.

"Thirty-five former Miss Syndee's factory workers diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and admitted to mental asylum." Eeth read off a different news article.

"They're just being over dramatic. They want media attention." Shaak countered.

"CEO of Miss Syndee's hotdogs said she would rather be covered with flesh-eating ants, peel off her own skin with a butter knife, eat her own pancreas, douse herself in non-dairy creamer, and set herself ablaze than eat one bite of her company's hotdogs." Eeth read from a different news article.

"THEY'RE FREE OKAY!" Shaak screamed, "I don't care how dangerous for consumption they are. They are FREE therefore they can't be all bad! We are getting them and that's final!"

The other Jedi stared at her, horrified.

"Sounds like solid reasoning to me." Mace said sarcastically as he held his hands up in surrender.

Shaak filled their carts with "hotdogs" and then they headed to the registers.

"Now for them moment you've all been waiting for!" Shaak grinned.

"The sweet release of death?" Depa guessed.

"No you silly! It's time to check out and see how much money MY brilliant couponing has saved us!" Shaak said.

They started placing items on the conveyor belt. It took the poor cashier THREE hours to ring up the massive load of groceries.

"Okay, miss." The exhausted cashier said, "Your total is $4,762.80. Do you have any coupons?"

"Is Hoth cold?" Shaak giggled and handed the cashier her three-inch thick stack of coupons, "I also have a shopper's club card."

The cashier began ringing up the coupons. There was immediately a problem with the spinach.

"Hold on, the spinach is ringing up as $1.97 a bag." Shaak pointed out.

"Yes ma'am, it's on sale from $1.99." The cashier replied.

"But my coupon is for $1.95 off. So they should just be 2 cents a bag." Shaak objected.

"Oh, I'm sorry this coupon says it's for selected bag salads. If you read the small print you can tell that it excludes spinach." The cashier pointed to the fine print on the coupon.

"Really?!" Shaak stared at the coupon in disbelief, "Am I supposed to look over these coupons with a magnifying glass before I cut them?!"

"Not amazed so far." Mace teased.

Shaak sighed, "Well we need that spinach. Guess we'll just have to pay $1.97 a bag for it."

"At least with the sale you're saving 2 cents a bag." The cashier said.

"Two cents isn't a sale! It's a slap in the face." Shaak disagreed.

The cashier continued ringing up the coupons. Another problem!

"Wait a minute! I'm supposed to get paid a dollar for those beans!" Shaak said.

"What? Oh, I guess they haven't changed the list price on the shelves yet. The canning company that packages all of these lower grade fruits and vegetables had to raise their prices twenty-fold. Something about a lawsuit over food poisoning at an orphanage. They needed some pretty good lawyers."

Shaak sighed, "So they used to cost 5 cents a can but now they're $1.00 a can?"

"We could've bought edible kidney beans for that!" Eeth piped up.

"Well with your coupon the beans will be 90 cents a can. I would offer to let you go and exchange these but the store will be closing soon and I won't have time to complete your transaction." The cashier said.

"Whatever." Shaak snipped, "Just keep swiping."

"This will affect the tomato paste as well." The cashier told her.

"WHATEVER!" Shaak shouted, "Just get it over with!"

The cashier continued. And of course hit another problem.

"Hold on! The price for those bottles of Pinnacle Deliquescence can't be right!" Shaak protested.

"Oh. Thanks for pointing that out. The sale ended yesterday and we haven't entered it into our registers. Let me do that now." The cashier said and typed on his keyboard, "There we are. Thank you, ma'am. Nice to know there are still some honest people left in this galaxy."

Shaak was turning red…well MORE red, I suppose, "But what about my coupon?!"

"It appears to have expired on July 26th. It's after midnight on the side of the planet it was printed on so according to the coupon it is already July 27th." The cashier told her.

"So you're going to charge me full price on all 155 bottles?" Shaak asked, "They were supposed to be 1 one-thousandth of a cent each! For a total of just 15 cents!"

"I'm afraid the total for 155 bottles is now $232.50." The cashier said.

Mace, Eeth, and Depa were having trouble holding back their laughter.

"Shut up!" Shaak yelled at them.

The cashier continued scanning coupons.

Long story short, after discovering several expired/invalid coupons and expired sales, the new total for Shaak's groceries was $6,482.65. Yes, Shaak's total was now $1,719.85 MORE than it had been before she'd handed over her coupons.

Shaak's mouth was hanging up in stunned disbelief.

"Ma'am is this going to be cash or credit?" The cashier asked.

"Wait!" Depa called, "I just realized we missed the cart of hotdogs. It was hidden behind the $5 DVD bin."

She pushed the cart up to the register and the cashier picked up a package of the hotdogs.

"Oh no! Our stocking department has really dropped the ball this week!" He exclaimed. He grabbed the phone next to the register and frantically entered in a number.

About two seconds later his voice came over the intercom, "Code 59 at register 6! Repeat code 59 at register 6! This is NOT A DRILL!"

"What fresh Hell is this?" Mace wondered.

Suddenly, people in full Haz-mat suits burst into the store and surrounded the Jedi and the cashier.

"Please remain calm!" The leader of the Haz-mat group said, "We understand you have come into contact with hazardous and potentially fatal materials; namely Miss Syndee's hotdogs. We need to transport you to our decontamination facility immediately to reduce the risk of severe health issues."

The Jedi all exchanged horrified looks and were then herded out of the store by the Haz-mat team along with the cashier.

…

Two hours and several awkward group showers later, the group was declared decontaminated and allowed to leave the facility. The grocery store was to remain closed for the next week until all of Miss Syndee's hotdogs could be removed and properly disposed of. The management of the store felt so bad about the entire ordeal that they decided to give the Jedi their groceries for free.

"I told you all I'd save us money!" Shaak smirked as the Jedi were driving back to the Temple.

"Please." Mace rolled his eyes, "You had nothing to do with it. If anything we should thank Miss Syndee and her horrible business practices."

"Your heart was in the right place, Shaak." Depa said, patting Shaak on the back, "You'll get it right next time, I'm sure!"

"No I think my couponing days are over." Shaak replied with a sigh, "Actually I don't know why I even tried this time. I mean the Temple was going to pay for all of those groceries. I wasn't benefitting by the savings. It was all taxpayer money anyway."

"That's the spirit!" Eeth cheered.

They arrived at the temple and began unloading the groceries.

"Hey guys!" Depa greeted when she saw the Jedi who had stayed behind for kitchen duty, "Hope you all are ready to make some chili for tonight!"

"Actually…" Adi started, "We aren't making chili tonight."

"What?" Shaak demanded, "You can't change the menu now! We already have all the ingredients! We can't go back to the store for a week; it's being quarantined!"

"No, WE aren't making chili tonight; THEY are." Yareal pointed into the kitchen.

There stood the Temple kitchen staff. In all their hair-netted glory.

"I thought ya'll were on strike?" Mace was confused.

"We were. But then we saw your sorry faces on the news. We go on strike for half a day and you all manage to get the grocery store shut down." The head kitchen lady mused, "We were afraid if we stayed gone much longer the entire planet might blow up!"

"After the day we've had, nothing would surprise me." Eeth sighed.

"What can we do to prevent another strike in the future?" Mace wanted to know.

"Simple; keep Qui-Gon Jinn out of our kitchen!" The head kitchen lady answered.

The rest of the kitchen staff cheered in agreement.

"We'll see what we can do but Qui-Gon has this habit of appearing when and where we don't want him to." Plo said.

"As a matter of fact, he's here right now!" Adi chirped.

Sure enough, Qui-Gon was marching across the cafeteria towards the Jedi with a determined look on his face.

"Masters!" He started up right away, "I cannot BELIEVE what I just saw on the news! Were you all REALLY planning on purchasing potentially hazardous foods for the Temples?! Is that what this place has come to?! I just wanted to let you all know that Obi-Wan and myself will no longer be eating in the cafeteria! I shall be preparing all of our meals myself from here on out just so I am certain they are safe for human consumption. Good day!"

And with that he marched off.

"I love it when problems solve themselves." Oppo said.

"Well I guess everything is back to normal." Mace added.

"Just one more thing, Masters." The lead kitchen lady spoke up, "We've altered our deal. We will do all of the purchasing and cooking but YOU are going to do the dishes for the next six months!"

The Jedi all exchanged looks.

"Okay." Yoda finally said, "Deal it is."

He and the head kitchen lady shook hands on it.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except the owners of the Miss Syndee's hotdogs company. They all went to jail. Forever.

THE END

* * *

6/17/2014 Puff & Weed

* * *

So, there's that. Review. Or don't. Whatever. We're not your boss and we'll write more regardless. You can't stop this crazy train.


	37. The Jedi Council Make My Teeth Hurt With Their Stupidity Part 21: Special Kitty 3: Moonbeam is Missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 21? Does this mean the story can buy alcohol now? They grow up so fast.

Meanwhile down in the forest of the magical dawn, the chipmunks scurried as Gary the bunny peeked out of his hole. He watched as the rain fell in big drops from the gray clouds above and declared that he and his friends would have to find something fun to do inside today. But that was just fine! Rainy days are the best days for board games and puzzles and shadow puppets and….

Oops. Wrong story! Seriously where does this Gary the bunny crap keep coming from? Maybe I've got a virus on my wee little computer.

Enough of that soggy nacho slop. Real story time.

"And that Masters is why I believe lightsabers should be outlawed and destroyed entirely." Qui-Gon Jinn stated proudly as he finished his presentation.

The Jedi Council sat there, mouths agape. Every time they think Qui-Gon has said/done the stupidest thing ever he goes and outdoes himself again. Amazing really.

"Okay." Ki-Adi-Mundi took a deep breath as he gathered his thoughts and reigned in his annoyance.

The Council was recently forced to undergo some communication and sensitivity training after someone (who definitely wasn't Qui-Gon, I mean why would you even think that? How very dare you? When has the Council ever been anything but professional and dignified when addressing one of Qui-Gon's concerns…..okay so it was Qui-Gon) complained that they were all desperately lacking skills in the communication and sensitivity areas. Not that those are the only areas in which the Council are desperately lacking skills though. They suck at many other things too.

Remembering the training despite doodling all over the handbook and making sarcastic comments under his breath during the entire lesson, Ki-Adi-Mundi spoke as calmly as he could manage, "Qui-Gon, I understand and agree that lightsabers can be very dangerous in the wrong hands. But I feel that Jedi still need them as weapons to protect the galaxy and when used responsibly they can be very beneficial. So I do not think we should get rid of lightsabers."

Wow. How many "I" statements was that? No accusatory language either. Nice job, Ki-Adi-Mundi. Got some brains in that big ol' head after all.

"Yeah and we all remember what happened when you tried to force everyone to put those safety lock things on their lightsabers. Freaking Sith lord got away because of your stupid face." Depa added.

Wow. Zero "I" statements. And accusatory language much? Clearly someone remembered less than nothing from the training. Nice Depa. You make us all so proud.

"Masters, I feel as though the benefits of lightsabers do not outweigh the risks." Qui-Gon objected (did you really expect him to do anything else?), "So many Padawans don't take their lightsaber skills even the slightest bit seriously and I've seen so many of them getting treated for accidental burns which is undoubtedly raising the Temple's insurance rates…"

Now is the part where any ounce of professionalism or anything the Council learned about communication/sensitivity flies right out the window and lands somewhere near the bird bath in Gary the bunny's backyard.

"Is that what this was all about?!" Adi demanded loudly, "Insurance rates?!"

"The financial advantages of banning lightsabers are indeed quite considerable." Qui-Gon replied, "Safety is a concern but in the end it all comes back to money."

"I….I just…." Shaak can't make no words.

"Qui-Gon I don't think I've ever heard you sound so petty." Mace said, "And believe me, I've heard you sound hella petty."

"Banning lightsabers we are not. Get out of my face Qui-Gon will." Yoda decided.

"But Masters I have not…" Qui-Gon started.

"Did you bring your lightsaber today?" Plo interrupted, hopefully.

"Of course not! Who would bring a lightsaber to a presentation about banning lightsabers?" Qui-Gon replied.

"A complete idiot." Depa muttered under her breath, "Therefore you."

"Well we didn't know this presentation was going to be about banning lightsabers so we all brought ours." Plo continued, "Right, Masters?"

Seeing what he was planning, the other masters all drew and ignited their lightsabers. Qui-Gon suddenly looked a bit uncomfortable. Maybe a tad furdigflatchy.

"I suppose you Masters just need some time to think over my proposal." Qui-Gon swallowed, "I'll be back tomorrow to hear your response."

"I'm pretty sure we've voiced our opinion on the matter quite clearly." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, giving his lightsaber a cool little spin. So sassy.

"Well then. I will be back tomorrow to see if you have reconsidered." Qui-Gon replied.

"You'll be back tomorrow with something totally new to complain about because that's what you always do. Stormtroopers miss, banthas crap, Bothans die, and Qui-Gon complains. It's the natural order of the universe." Shaak said, putting her lightsaber away with a sigh.

Qui-Gon couldn't muster up a response. After 21 chapters you'd think he'd realize how the Council feels about him. But no. People in this story are nothing if not persistent. As you shall soon learn…

After Qui-Gon exited the chambers the Council members all put their lightsabers away and sat down.

"Can we call it a day?" Saesee asked.

"See why not I do not." Yoda replied.

The other members of the Council repeated the statement in their heads to make sure they properly understood it then rose from their seats and exited the chambers.

Mace entered his chamber and took off his robe. His outer robe that is. Mace doesn't usually perform a total strip-tease as soon as he gets home. Not saying it's never happened but it's not the norm.

As he was hanging up his robe, his four favorite kittens scampered over to greet him. Moonbeam Jr, Honey, Bunches, and Of Oats had all grown out of their adorable kitten phase and had now entered the teenage kitty phase. All four of them had been growing rapidly and were getting quite long-legged and muscular. And destructive. So so destructive. Cleaning up after and wrangling the cats was almost as tiring as dealing with Qui-Gon all day. Almost.

Mace greeted each cat as they mewed and rubbed against his legs.

"Are my precious kitty witties hungry wungry?" Mace asked. What I would give to hear Samuel L. Jackson actually say that. I'd need dialysis for the rest of my life but it would be worth it. (Editor's Note: Obligatory Captain Marvel plug. I mean, he may not say this exact thing, but you do have Samuel L. Jackson being adorable with a cat.)

It wasn't until Mace opened the closet to get the cat food out that he realized someone was missing.

Where was Moonbeam?

Quickly Mace counted the cats again and once again he came up short. Strange. Sure, Moonbeam wasn't usually as pushy for attention as her offspring but she would certainly come to the door to welcome Mace home every day.

"Moonbeam?" Mace called, a hint of worry in his voice.

Trying not to trip over the begging kittens Mace began checking all of Moonbeam's usual hiding spots.

Nothing.

Mace was getting frantic now. He reached out with the Force but still couldn't sense his faithful kitty anywhere. Then he saw it.

A note on the small dining table in the corner of the kitchen area. It was addressed to "Master Windu."

Mace picked up the note, unfolded it, and began reading.

"Dear Master Windu." He read aloud to no one really, "If you want to see your precious Moonbeam again meet me at the Psychedelic Wookiee tomorrow night. Come alone. Or bring some friends I guess. Tomorrow is Ladies' Night; all females get in for free. Cocktails are half off after 10pm. Live music from local bands. It's a good time. Be there around 8pm. Dress casual but not too casual. Like 'cousin's wedding dressy' but not 'your favorite cousin's wedding dressy'. Like you're there to be supportive or whatever but you don't really care that much and you're not trying to impress anyone but there's free food and an open bar so how could you have turned down the invitation? Does that make sense? I'm rambling aren't I? Anyway. Psychedelic Wookiee. Tomorrow night at 8pm. Get your cat back. Maybe try a Citrus Tauntaun. It's basically a screwdriver; orange juice and vodka but they add just a splash of cranberry soda and do this cool thing with dry ice so there's mist coming off of it. And like I said earlier cocktails are half off so why not? Okay. I think that's it. Yours truly, E.S." Mace flipped the letter over and could NOT believe there was even more writing on the back, "P.S. I forgot to mention parking can be a bit of an issue. There's some construction so some side roads are closed. You should probably leave early to make sure you get a spot. Otherwise you'll have to park in the parking garage and there's a fee."

Mace crumpled up the note (I guess you could call it a novel really. A short story at least.) and fell to his knees.

"NOO!" He yelled dramatically throwing his fists up into the air, "I have to get Moonbeam back but in order to do so I'm gonna have to PARALLEL PAAAARK!"

As he knelt on the floor, wide-eyed, still trying to process what he had just read, and not to mention getting screeched at by demanding kittens who still hadn't been fed, Mace heard a knock on the door.

Damn. Run-on sentence much?

Taking a deep breath to regain his composure, Mace pulled himself to his feet, tried not to step on or accidentally kick any of the kittens, and opened the door.

There stood Legolas. But he quickly realized he was once again in the wrong story and promptly sprinted off.

Behind Legolas was a confused Yoda.

"Who is that?!" The small Jedi master asked, "And how does he keep getting by security?"

"No idea but his hair is fabulous." Mace answered, "Why are you here, Master Yoda?"

"Sensed a disturbance I did." Yoda replied, shoving passed Mace to go pet the kittens.

The kittens (and their mother) adored Yoda and immediately swarmed around him, purring loudly and nearly knocking him over.

"Distressed you are, Master Windu." Yoda continued, "I am wondering what is wrong?"

"It's Moonbeam." Mace said, "She's…been taken."

"WHAT?!" Yoda screamed loud enough to wake the entire Temple, "Missing Precious Moonbeam is?!"

"Yes." Mace sighed, "Someone took her and left this note. Someone named E.S."

Mace handed the note to Yoda.

As the green Jedi was reading, Mace knew he had plenty of time to feed the kittens and thus get them out of the way. The kittens almost always crashed for a nap after dinner. As he finished filling the last bowl he heard Yoda make a "hmm" noise and crumple the note up again.

"Disturbed this E.S. clearly is. Very very disturbed." Yoda shook his head, "Rescue Precious Moonbeam we must. Even if parallel parking it means."

"It says I can't rescue her until tomorrow night." Mace said, pacing the room, "What am I supposed to do in the mean time?"

"Decide what to wear?" Yoda suggested, "Trendy club the Psychedelic Wookiee is. Look foolish you must not."

This is where most writers would insert a cheesy shopping montage with upbeat music and Mace trying on different outfits while Yoda shook his head or whatever. But…no. So let's just fast-forward to the next day.

The next day…

Mace got up early the next morning so he would have plenty of time to tell the other members of the Council what was going on. And invite them to go along of course. I mean it was Ladies Night after all. And half price cocktails after 10pm.

Currently the Council was in their chambers listening to Qui-Gon complain that he received a piece of Official Jedi mail with the stamp placed slightly askew on it.

"Masters I just feel that whoever is working in the Temple's mailroom needs to take more pride in their work and the Jedi Order." Qui-Gon stated, "Crooked stamps on an envelope are an indication of negligence and simply unacceptable. It is a dangerous path to start down. If we allow stamps to be placed carelessly, what's next? We start using postal abbreviations instead of writing out complete words like 'street' or 'avenue?' Disgraceful. We as Jedi need to be more fastidious about our written correspondence."

The Council is just done.

"Qui-Gon." Plo said calmly, "From now on I'm going to order the mailroom staff to put all of the stamps on your letters upside down! Just because I know it annoys you so much. Thank you. Now leave."

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes and frowned as though he was trying to think of a rebuttable but thankfully he turned to leave. He had other matters to attend to. Obi-Wan claimed he and some other Padawans were attending a training lesson at a park downtown. But Qui-Gon sensed something fishy. As he does.

"Okay now that fifteen minutes of my life have been meaninglessly burned away, I need your help, masters." Mace spoke up, "Moonbeam was kidnapped from my chambers last night. The kidnapper left a note…er…I guess it was more like an essay…saying that if I want to get her back I have to meet him at the Psychedelic Wookiee tonight at 8pm. I was wondering if any of you…"

"Heck yeah! Tonight is Ladies Night at the Psychedelic Wookiee!" Adi cheered, "Count me in!"

"…how did you know that it…" Mace trailed off any shook his head, deciding he didn't care, "Anyone who wants to join me on this mission can meet me at my chambers at 6:00. Parking will be limited so we can all ride together in my speeder."

"Six?!" Shaak scoffed, "Why do we have to meet two hours early? Do you have any idea how long it takes a gal to get ready for a night out? I need to do my hair!"

"…but you don't have ha…" Mace once again trailed off, once again deciding he didn't care, "We have to leave early because the note said parking could be an issue. And we all know what that means when it comes to downtown…"

The face of every master went pale. Except Yoda. He already knows all this.

"P…pa…pa…" Depa stammered.

"PARALLEL PARKING!" Ki-Adi-Mundi completed in horror.

"Fate worse than death!" Yareal added.

Hey Poof. Kinda forgot you were here. Good to see ya. We'll try to give you more lines.

Before his colleagues could panic any further, Mace continued, "Y'all don't have to worry about parking because I'm driving. So make sure you're at my chambers at 6pm sharp so you don't miss the bus. Once we get there, let's try to spread out around the building so we can keep an eye out for anyone suspicious. Once we have located the kidnapper we will have to guard all the exits. Even if he returns Moonbeam unharmed, we can't let him get away to kitty-nap another day."

The other Jedi stared, unable to process more than two sentences at a time. Because idiots.

"I feel like the Mission Impossible theme should've been playing during that monologue." Adi said, "But I think I'm down with that plan. Heck, I'm down with any plan that could potentially result in me getting drunk."

The other Jedi were able to agree with that. The rest of the day went on without a Qui-Gon…er…a hitch I guess is the typical phrase. But I guess in this context "Qui-Gon" and "hitch" are interchangeable.

At exactly 6pm everyone showed up at Mace's chambers dressed in their best clubbin' clothes. They all piled into Mace's speeder (Mace drives the Star Wars equivalent of a Chevy Tahoe; bigger than necessary but plenty of seating. Frequently makes extremely poor decisions as a result of little to no depth perception. Always takes up three or more spaces when parking. You know.) and sped off.

And the fates were smiling at Mace that night. Perhaps they knew how distressed he was over his missing kitty? That's right; Mace managed to find a spot in a public lot and did not have to parallel park.

…okay so I didn't feel like writing a parallel parking scene. Get over it. No one is paying me to write this!

The Psychedelic Wookiee was PACKED, as they expected it to be. Ladies' Night and whatnot. The clubbin' music was pumping like the beginning of that Lonely Island song before Michael Bolton interrupts with his Jack Sparrow nonsense. Google it.

"This place is jumping." Oppo observed, "Do the kids still say that? Jumping?"

"Kids don't really say anything these days." Depa replied, "They just stare brainlessly at their phone screens*. Makes them excellent pick-pocketing targets…not that I would know anything about that."

*Seriously kids, put down the phone and look around every now and then. There's a big crazy world out there. You might see a severely sleep-deprived, grown-ass woman sobbing in a Salsarita's parking lot after she unintentionally bought TWO POUNDS of guacamole because she was too brain dead to realize how much sixteen ounces was and by the time she realized the employee had already started filling the container and he already seemed pretty annoyed so she was too anxious to ask him to stop so now she's gotta decide what to do with TWO POUNDS of guacamole and freaking garbage bag full of chips.

…not that this has ever happened to me…(Editor's Note: #FirstWorldProblems)

"I might need to disguise myself or at least hang back from the crowd." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "I see some of my former…customers here."

He used to be a drug dealer, remember? Chapter 4? Go reread that. Reread it carefully.

"Good luck disguising yourself with that big ol' volcano head." Eeth cackled.

Mace was done with this ludicrous banter. His stomach was in knots as he anticipated his rapidly approaching face-to-face meeting with his precious Moonbeam's cat-napper.

"Focus, people." He commanded, "Remember why we're here. Oppo, Eeth, Depa, you guys cover the left side exit. Ki, Yaddle, Plo, you guys cover the right side. Yoda, Yareal, and I will cover the front. And Saesee, Adi, and Shaak will watch the rear."

"Oh I'm watching the rear alright." Shaak smirked as she watched an extremely attractive dude shake his buns of steel on the dance floor.

Were Moonbeam's life not on the line, Mace probably would've just decapitated himself with his lightsaber then and there. He ignored Shaak's perv-iness to continue with his plan.

"Everyone set your comlinks to channel 6 so we can all keep in touch." He said, "Anyone sees anybody who looks shady let me know immediately. I have no idea where this guy will be or what he looks like. As long as his freaking ransom note was, he couldn't even bother to tell me what he would be wearing."

"The Force is telling me that he's going to find you." Yoda spoke up, "If he has not already."

"Okay. That's hella creepy." Mace sighed, "I really need all y'all's* help with this. Please stay somewhat focused."

*My Kentucky is showing, ain't it?

"Somewhat focused." Eeth repeated with a roll of his eyes, "I appreciate the vote of confidence."

"Can't really say I blame him." Depa shrugged, "Most of us have a pretty crappy track record when it comes to staying focu…OMG they have Shady Corellian on tap!"

She scurried off to the bar.

The rest of the Jedi made their way to their assigned exits as unsuspiciously as they could manage, gazing around cautiously.

After about fifteen minutes, Mace was losing patience, "Where is this creep?!"

"Still look too on edge we all do." Yoda's voice said over the Comlink, "Except for Depa. Doing body shots off some shirtless guy she appears to be. Find some tables and order some drinks."

"Yeah I doubt this guy will approach you if it looks like you're surrounded by bodyguards." Adi agreed, "Let's stay alert but try not to look like we're alert."

"Are we just seriously gonna skittle over the fact that YODA just told us to order drinks?! This is EPIC!" Shaak cackled gleefully.

"Knew I would regret that I did." Yoda sighed.

Ten minutes later, the Jedi were all looking much more relaxed. They were lounging at tables near all the exits, drinking and socializing. Eeth and Depa were dancing to the live band.

Mace was still restless and would remain so until Moonbeam was safe.

"Where the hell is he?!" He muttered allowed to no one as he glanced at his watch for the trillionth time that evening.

"Hey bub." Came a throaty frog-like voice from behind him, "Don't think I've seen you here before."

Mace turned around and saw a familiar face. In a Kill Bill-esque fashion he had a sudden and alarming flashback of the individual in front of him offering to sell him death sticks and complimenting his wardrobe!

"You're that…that…Elan guy!" Mace managed to stammer.

"You remember me." The guy grinned, "Glad to know."

"Kinda hard to forget your borderline stalker." Mace replied with an eye roll.

All the pieces fell into place. Elan Sleazebaggano (yes that is actually the character's name) had flirted with him when he first found out Ki-Adi-Mundi was an illegal pharmacist on the side. I think he came back again at some point but I didn't have time to reread all the chapters so…I don't know?

In summary, it seemed like Elan had been fixed on Mace for quite a while. And as his initials were "E.S." he had no doubt kidnapped Moonbeam as a means to get to Mace.

He was hoping some of the other Council members might also recognize Elan and realize what was going on.

He might as well have hoped that a bunch of neon green ninjas riding giant hermit crabs riding hoverboards would glide through the door and throw under-ripe avocados at everyone in the club. It would've been much more likely to happen.

Yoda was leading a group of wasted college students in the YMCA. Shaak was straight up making out with some random Calamarian. Adi had managed to get behind the bar and was juggling bottles of vodka. Depa was dancing on the bar. Eeth, Saesee, and Plo were having a break dancing contest. Ki-Adi-Mundi was chatting with former clients from his previous side business. Yaddle was passed out on a table. Yareal had a lampshade on his head. And Oppo…appeared to be starting a strip tease.

"Wow." Mace sighed, "That became a total dumpster fire as expected. Way to stay on task, team."

Realizing he had to deal with this himself, Mace turned back to Elan, "Look man, you seem like a nice guy…actually you seem like a complete disaster…whatever you are, it's not gonna happen. Jedi ain't supposed to have relationships."

Elan looked over at Shaak and the Calamarian, then back at Mace, "Is that so?"

Mace forced himself to remain calm, "Okay so that rule has been totally fudged before. I guess I'll just have to flat out say it; I'm not into dudes. Nothing against people who are; I truly hope you find someone but it ain't me, pal. Now please give me my cat back. She's everything to me."

Elan no longer appeared to be listening. He was staring at someone across the bar. Mace turned to see who he was looking at.

"Hey Master Windu!" A familiar voice greeted, "Imagine seeing you here!"

"Obi-Wan? What the $*(% are you doing here?!" Mace couldn't keep the profanity in check any longer. It'd been a hell of a night.

"I told Qui-Gon I was going to go study with some other Padawans in the park. But we were coming here instead." Obi-Wan shrugged, "It's ladies' night you know."

"You two know each other?" Elan asked.

"Yeah. He's a Jedi apprentice. He has absolutely no business being here…why am I telling you this?" Mace wondered, then turned his attention back to Obi-Wan, "Obi-Wan, if Qui-Gon finds you here he's going to somehow make it MY fault and complain to me every day forever until I die. I suggest you go home now."

"What's the rush?" Elan wanted to know, eyes still fixed on Obi-Wan, "Let's chat a while."

"Yeah, let's chat a while!" Obi-Wan cluelessly agreed.

"Here's your cat back, Master Windu." Elan pulled a pet carrier out from behind the bar and shoved it into Mace's hands, his eyes never leaving Obi-Wan, "Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll never bother you again. Why don't you round up the other Masters while Obi-Wan and I have a chat?"

Mace glanced in the pet carrier and could not contain an audible sigh of relief upon seeing Moonbeam annoyed but otherwise unharmed. Mission accomplished.

…but he couldn't just leave naïve little Obi-Wan alone with Elan. He was planning how he would put an end to the situation when he suddenly realized he wouldn't have to.

Because someone had appeared behind Obi-Wan.

Someone named Qui-Gon.

Mace decided now would be an excellent time to get the hell out of this club, get his cat home to her kittens, and wash his hands of Elan Sleazebaggano forever. Gripping the pet carrier, he quietly slipped away from the bar to at least try to gather up the rest of the Council before leaving.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi." Qui-Gon's stern voice filled the club.

Alarmed, Obi-Wan spun around on his bar stool, "Um...hi, Qui-Gon! We finished studying in the park and uh decided…uh…to…"

There was no talking his way out of this.

"Chill out, gramps." Elan said the furious Qui-Gon, "Have a death stick."

Qui-Gon waved his hand, "You don't want to sell me death sticks."

"I don't want to sell you death sticks." Elan repeated blankly.

"You want to go home and rethink your life." Qui-Gon added.

"I want to go home and rethink my life." Elan said. And left.

"Obi-Wan we are going home this instant and you are grounded FOREVER!" Qui-Gon fumed.

"You mind-tricked that guy." Obi-Wan stammered, "You never do cool stuff like that!"

"Well unfortunately that particular mind trick only lasts about fifteen years." Qui-Gon said, "In roughly fifteen years that piece of scum will most likely be right back here trying to sell death sticks to minors!"

"I'm eighteen, Qui-Gon." Obi-Wan sighed, "And I wasn't going to buy death sticks." He then mentally added, "Pretty sure he would've given them to me for free."

Apparently he forgot Qui-Gon's ability to read his mind through their bond.

Witnesses would later say that Qui-Gon legit burst into flames. Others would say he melted into the floor, Wicked Witch of the West style. Some claimed he vanished in a flash of lighting.

Whatever happened, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were in the club one minute and gone the next.

…

Mace took Moonbeam home and reunited her with the kittens. There was lots of purring and rubbing and adorableness. Mace was so relieved to be rid of Elan. It was super scary having a crazy person so desperate for your attention (been there done that). Mace collapsed onto his bed and fell into a deep sleep, the cats all cuddled up around him. He completely forgot about the other Masters passed out drunk in his Speeder.

…

Shockingly, no one heard from Qui-Gon for an entire week. Obi-Wan said he had gone into some kind of near vegetative state and was muttering to himself and not blinking. Rage overload perhaps? Obi-Wan actually felt so bad for breaking his master that he grounded himself and decided to remain in the Temple only going to classes until Qui-Gon was coherent again. Well…as coherent as Qui-Gon could get.

The Council had been enjoying their break from Qui-Gon complaining and were actually able to focus on real Jedi matters.

Until…

"Masters." Qui-Gon entered the Council chambers with a bow, "I'm afraid I must take a leave of absence."

Adi pulled a small top out of her robe and quickly spun it on the floor. It eventually wobbled and tipped over.

"Okay, according to the movie Inception, we are not dreaming." She concluded, "I'll pinch myself to be sure." She did, "Ouch!"

"No Masters, I assure you that you are not dreaming." Qui-Gon said, "I understand most of my complaints to you have fallen on deaf ears."

"Most?" Eeth muttered to Oppo, "Pretty sure he means all."

"I feel at this time, my efforts might be better suited to combating the death stick problem plaguing the streets of our planet." Qui-Gon said.

"That is…" Ki-Adi-Mundi started, "An amazing idea."

"Yeah, if there's one person in the universe who can annoy someone out of doing drugs, it's Qui-Gon!" Shaak agreed.

"An excellent idea this is, Master Jinn." Yoda spoke up, "And an honorable one. Take as much time as you need."

"Yes, please do!" Mace nodded.

"Thank you, Masters." Qui-Gon bowed and left.

"How long do you all think it'll take for him to annoy the planet's drug problem to death?" Yareal asked.

"I'm betting three months." Depa said.

"I say two!" Yaddle called.

"Three weeks." Plo said, "The drug problem doesn't stand a chance."

Only time would tell how long Qui-Gon's war on drugs would last. If I had to guess I'd say he'll be back by the next chapter. So…ten years?

For now, Moonbeam was safely back home, Obi-Wan was behaving like a saint, and Elan Sleazebaggano was off of death sticks until the time came for him to appear in Attack of the Clones.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. We are now fully up to date with the original story on fanfiction.net. I have everything cross posted. This quarantine has been good for something.  
> We also have another chapter currently in the works. So that should be up....soon...ish?  
> Let us know if you have any ideas for Jedi Council shenanigans.   
> Wash your hands. Don't touch your face. Think about all the other people at risk of this crazy virus. And now's an excellent time to work on everything that you've been putting off at home. (For me, it's cleaning the library. (I'm not rich. That's just what we call the tiny ass second "bedroom"). What are you doing during this time of isolation and social distancing?)


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